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Treat Me Like A Rented Mule . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I need a massage.

All this weight-lifting and running combined with sitting at my desk for vast stretches of time has led to me to having more kinks than Charlie Sheen with a bag of cocaine and an escort service on speed-dial.

I need a masseuse to come over and tear me down. A Swedish massage or something light and relaxing would be utterly useless to me right now. That kind of thing might work on a vacation in the Caribbean, but it would only scratch the surface of my current problem - I need someone to bring the pain.

Someone to knead me like dough. Slap me around like salami. Beat me like Bruschetta.

That last one might have gone too far, but I'm sure you get the idea.

I am in dire straights without a deep tissue massage to release some built up tension and let the toxins run free and loose and leave my body for greener pastures. It's been at least a year and a half since I last had a massage, and the time seems right to schedule another one.

My problem lies in the fact that I have no idea where to start outside of the Yellow Pages as my familiarity with Austin masseuses is minimal.

When I asked some guy at the office if he knew anyone, he said "Sure. Especially if you want a happy ending."

I don't need a happy ending as I would be thrilled with a female (I just don't prefer a rub-down by another guy; sue me) with strong hands (but not "Man Hands" a la "Seinfeld") and someone willing to ignore the screams of pain that will be coming out of my mouth because this will not be an easy job.

The result will be worth the effort, however, as John Cougar said it best when he acknowledged that sometimes a thing just "hurts so good."



  1. Sherry Says:
  2. You should look up or go to the Asian areas and ask them where to have a good rub down. They're tiny, but if it's a deep, hard, tissue rub down that you're looking for, those tiny feet and weight of their bodies should do the trick.

  3. Miss Ash Says:
  4. Apparently your co-worker is into rub and tugs.... too much information i would presume.

    I would continue to ask around, or call a gym or chiropractor to see if they know of any reputable places. Last thing you need is to be stretched out in a tiny towel getting your mugshot taken.

  5. SymplyAmused Says:
  6. Can't help you there. I only know of a Spa in my area. I'm planning to go some day soon to there. I need the same thing you need... deep, deep, massage... sighs.

  7. Carmel Says:
  8. I need one too, but not as bad as you since I don't want to be beaten like a bruchetta.
    Perhaps ask your wife to get the rolling pin out and other kitcen accessories.

  9. Kayla Says:
  10. Just don't want her to bop your bologna?
    Sorry...couldn't resist.
    I've watched "Vacation" one too many times

    I have found the best massage therapists are connected with chiropractors or MDs that are associated with sports clinics

  11. Sherry - That is a good idea if they can get deep and I've always been curious about the walking on the back trick.

    Miss Ash - Too much information indeed, and the last place I want to be is in jail in a towel. Bad combo.

    Symplyamused - It does sound good, but I would prefer to forgoe the spa and have them come to my loft.

    Carmel - Maybe I was exagerrating a bit as pair of strong hands will do just fine.

  12. Kayla - Just missed you in cyperspace, and I happen to love "Vacation" and caught the reference and still remember the good old days when Chevy Chase was funny.

    That's a good idea as I used to go to a chiropracter until I got very nervous about them popping my neck until it sounded like it might just twist off entirely.

  13. JLee Says:
  14. I just happen to be a massage therapist! Too bad you're a few hours away, and I also don't do real deep tissue massage. I do have a guy I go to if you're in the area that is great. He's the husband of the owner of the school I went to. You should try calling a local massage school and ask for an RMT do to deep tissue. It's usually less expensive and they will usually have the most training. (dont' get an intern massage though...never know what you're gonna get!) Good luck with the meat beatin'! LOL

  15. JLee Says:
  16. oh yeah, I forgot though..guys don't get massages from other guys..."man law"

  17. Life is full of missed opportunities as you should expand your repetoire (sp?), although I don't exactly know who one becomes adept at deep tissue.

    And I'm glad you said it because paying good money to have some guy rub me down is not something I'm willing to do.

    I hate to discriminate, but . . .

  18. Melissa Says:
  19. A friend of a friend uses this girl. I know she does outcalls.

  20. Lucy Says:
  21. A massage sounds like a great plan...a good reward at the end (it is coming to an end, right?) of a strenuous fast. Hope you find a good person with a good strong set of hands.

  22. Jackie Says:
  23. I like pain, like getting shots or the harshness of a cheap cigarette... or the vigorous manhands of a professional massuese.

    Uh, anyway, I don't know where in Austin you live, but I got a nice half-hour massage at Anne Kelsoe. It's a nice place, good service, nice ambiance. I don't remember it being that expensive. It's on Lamar really close to campus. You should give them a call.

  24. JLee Says:
  25. yeah, you have to take additional classes ($$$) but I did take a class recently in trigger point, which releases the muscle without having to work it over so much, which can help, but sometimes can be painful.

  26. Melissa - Thanks for this as one of their offices is close to my work, and I think I'll try them first.

    Luce - I was thinking the same thing and keep your fingers crossed that I can find all my requirements in one capable set of hands.

    Jackie - Thanks for the tip as I think I'm going to start with this one up North first, but campus isn't too far away either. And I'm with you on the cheap cigs, but I hate shots. Loathe them.

    Jlee - That sounds interesting, but even the name sounds vaguely painful. Let me know when you've tested this out on a few people as I would be curious about trying it - just not the first person.

  27. Nancy Drew Says:
  28. ummm how about going to a physiotherapy place? They give massages there too. Usually.

    Does Sheen ever look sober?

  29. I know this massage in theory.
    I have never tried it as it was more on the Estheitc end of my Hairstyling course and we didn't need to be practically tested on this.

    I agree with everything Kayla said on this one.

  30. Nancy Drew - I think that's a good suggestion too as the more professinal the better in my book.

    Girlbehind - That's interesting that it was part of the course, but it seems like if you're going to learn, you should also be tested on a real person. I'm sure there are some volunteers running around.

  31. And I don't think that Sheen has looked sober since about 1985.

  32. BostonPobble Says:
  33. Truly, is there anything better than a massage that makes you scream with pain? LOVE the deep tissue stuff. And I have a great massage therapist who could hook you up ~ in California. Guess that isn't helpful. :( Sorry.

  34. I do love a deep tissue, and if you feel like sending your person to Austin or me to California that would be extremely helpful and appreciated.

    Just a thought.


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