Blog Archive

Caress Me Like A 90-Year-Old Woman . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, April 29, 2006 5 comments

Talking about Nicole Richie's weight jumped the shark a long time ago, but that doesn't mean that new pictures won't continue to surface showing just horrible she looks these days.

Just looking at her hands is enough to vanquish any trace of groin stimulation for at least a week.

I imagine sleeping with Richie these days would be akin to mounting a 12-year-old boy crossed with a 90-year-old woman.

And besides being completely illegal, it's just plain nasty.


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If David Blaine Is A Magician Then My Ass Is A Banjo . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, April 27, 2006 5 comments

The above title references an awful Sean Connery quote from an equally bad movie, "Just Cause," but it is still apt to describe the talent or lack thereof concerning the career of David Blaine.

Blaine is ostensibly a "magician" as his past feats of daring work included balancing on a small platform for 35 hours and surviving inside a massive block of ice for 61 hours. In 2003, he visited London where he fasted for 44 days in a suspended acrylic box over the Thames River and had to contend with passerbys who taunted Blaine and pelted him with food.

Now, Blaine plans to live underwater for seven days and nights in a "human aquarium" in front of New York's Lincoln Center. At the end of this week-long journey with the sea monkeys, Blaine will attempt to set a new record for holding his breath underwater.

This guy isn't a magician, he's simply some jerk-off with a lot of patience and too much time on his hands.

ABC plans to air a 2 hour special detailing the attempt, and the only reason I might tune in for 5 minutes will be to see if Blaine happens to drown during his attempt.

For a real funtional magician, Blaine might look at David Copperfield.

Copperfield had never had impressed me too much, but recently, he used magic to foil a group of would-be robbers.

One woman handed over $400 US from her pockets and the other gave up her purse with 200 euros, $100, her passport, plane tickets and a cellphone.

Copperfield says he turned his pockets inside out to reveal nothing in them, even though he was carrying his passport, wallet and cellphone and the thieves walked away with none of his property.

Now that's real magic (even if he did allow his female companion to be thoroughly robbed).


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Where The Wild Things Aren't . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, April 24, 2006 8 comments

In Hollywood it's almost always a divorce that unleashes a torrent of lewd allegations and deeds that nobody wants the public to know.

And so it goes with Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.

Recently, Richards filed some legal papers that did not paint Mr. Sheen in a very flattering light.

"When I started dating him, I knew the Respondent had a history of abusing drugs, cocaine and alcohol, and also was known to hire prostitutes," Richards wrote. "I believed him at that time when he said he changed. Unfortunately, I was wrong to believe him."

In the 17-page declaration, Richards describes Sheen's volatile mood swings, admitted addiction to prescription drugs, manhandling behavior, prostitution use (he told her he had a madam), online pornography visits, gambling losses numbering in the hundreds of thousands and one occasion where he fractured his hand from punching a headboard in response to Richards asking him to help her with looking after their eldest child.

Richards also described how Sheen took one of their wedding pictures, sawed it in half and spray-painted "the dumbest day of my life" over it.

I tend to believe Richards so far, but as anyone who's seen "Wild Things" or a few of Richard's Playboy spreads, she's not exactly free from skeletons in her closet either.

The next step for Richards is apparently taking up with the injured Richie Sambora, who is divorcing Heather Locklear who was friends with Richards. Oh, what a tangled web . . .

Heather is not sitting around crying, however, as it's reported that she has taken up with David Spade for some bizarre reason (and it certainly wasn't due to "The Benchwarmers").

On my scorecard, Richie got the better end of that stick.


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Bring The Pain . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, April 22, 2006 4 comments

It's been a week since my computer got fried, and it's nice to finally be back online.

For a reason completely unrelated to downloading pornography (seriously) my computer was hijacked and hosed by something unknown that corrupted my hard drive and forced me to pay the "Geek Squad" at Best Buy $200 to remedy.

Not only did I have to suffer the indignity of not having a computer for a week, but the "Geek Squad" check-in guy also hit on me as I told him my troubles.

It must have been all the talk about hard drives and corrupted systems and hosing my mainframe that opened the door I suppose.

As I grew more restless with each passing computer-less day, however, I wasn't thinking of the "Geek Squad." Instead, I was contemplating the various ways that these cretins who put viruses and spyware and trojan horses on the Net should be dealt with.

A few to wit:

1) Tear their nipples off with a pair of rusty pliers
2) Force them to watch every movie Rutger Hauer has ever been a part of.
3) Two words - "The Gimp"

4) Three words - Liza Minelli's houseboy

5) Chinese water torture while a recording of the Nelson classic "After The Rain" blares in the background

I don't care if most of these Net-marauding jerk-offs are probably around 15 years old and living the life of a social outcast in public school systems around the world - you still deserve a cruel and unusual punishment.

And I think any combination of rusty pliers, The Gimp, and Nelson will truly allow the punishment to fit the crime.


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I Dreamz of Something Better...

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, April 21, 2006 2 comments

In general, I like Paul Weitz movies as I own "American Pie" and "About a Boy" on DVD and have watched both of them multiple times.

His latest film "American Dreams," however, holds absolutely zero
interest for me because I can't justify plunking down $9 to go see a
big-screen version of something I can watch on my TV screen any night of
the week.

A singing contest where more people vote on the winner than the
President - check

An acid-tongued Brit berating singing contestants - check

A war in the Middle East - check

A clueless President - check

A shady and controlling VP - check

When your biggest stretch is Mandy Moore playing a singer there is
something rotten in Denmark.

A movie satire needs to be sharp, and this one looks about as
destructive as a butter knife and the only question in my mind is why
did so many semi-talented people spend their time, energy and effort on
something like this?

They should find out the answer when the box office returns come rolling
in on Monday morning.


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A Little Too Far . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, April 16, 2006 2 comments

I tend to like Brad Pitt as an actor, and I didn't harbor any ill will towards the guy when he dumped Jennifer Aniston to pursue Angelina Jolie - who most people (regardless of gender) would happily cut off their pinkie finger to sleep with.

But I'm starting to lose respect for him as he seems to have completely surrended his individuality to the altar of Jolie.

First it was a bleach job that looked alarmingly like Jolie's first husband, Johnny Lee Miller. Then it was flying lessons, and now it's onto this:

Things have gotten out of hand when you retreat to Africa and then get a mohawk haircut that resembles Angela's adopted son, Maddox.

Brad might be half a world away, but his pride seems to remain firmly fixed in America - or in Angelina's purse.


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These Boots Are Made For Running . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, April 13, 2006 3 comments

It appears that Us Weekly is reporting that Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson nearly incited a brouhaha at a Hollywood nightclub recently.

The story goes that Lohan sent some drinks over to Simpson, who refused to acknowledge the gift.

This snub led to Lohan furiously yelling at Simpson's table and taunting Simpson about her age and her toughness.

Lohan screamed something like, "What's the matter? When your sister is around, you can talk shit about me, but now that Ashlee's not here, what are you going to do? C'mon! I'm 19 and you're 25. Say something, you coward!'"

US Weekly claims that Simpson broke down in tears.

Brett Ratner, the director of the video for "These Boots Were Made For Walking," was also in attendance, and helped restore calm by possibly directing a crappy movie (but that's purely speculation on my part).

It's a good thing order was restored, however, because I know for a fact that it's hard enough to walk in boots, but it's damn tough to run in them.


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You'll Find Me At The Road House . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, April 12, 2006 9 comments

As far as time-wasting tools go,, is an entirely acceptable way to kill part of an afternoon at work.

This is one of those sites that requires you to upload a picture of yourself, and then it spits out a random group of celebrities that you supposedly resemble.

I heard about it on the "Best Week Ever" show, which caused me to recently send this picture for analysis:

Within a few minutes, the verdict was returned and the self-analysis began as the people at Myheritage can be a cruel and strange group on occasion.

The Good: Val Kilmer, Andy Roddick, Hugh Grant, Michael Douglas

The Bad: Patrick Swayze, Haley Joel Osment

The Truly Ugly: Jeb Bush

I swear they threw that last one in for spite, but despite my reluctance to be associated with Bush, Swayze or Osment - I'll watch "Road House" anytime it's on cable.

And that is pretty much every day of the week.


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Tara Reid Is This Close To Porn . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, April 10, 2006 5 comments

Tara Reid just can't get any work these days, and she recently bemoaned her stagnant career in an interview with Hustler magazine.

Nothing says classy like Hustler, eh?

The last thing I saw Tara in was her horrendous E! show, "Taradaise," where she drunkenly wandered the planet looking for drinks and any reason to display her tremendously-enhanced chest.

She found both in ample supply, but E! cancelled her gig and now Reid feels she's been unfairly branded by Hollywood.

Tara Reid: Think about it. Did Paris Hilton do porn videos? Nicole Richie did heroin and now they're great! Nicole has done some really bad things that I won't even go into it and look at them. They get nicely dressed again and everyone is nice to them. But what about me? What did I do wrong? I never did anything! I partied! I danced on a table. So that makes me a bad person? I don't get it. Our society is so messed up. What am I supposed to do, sit in my house and not go out, not do anything?

Hustler: What is the biggest misconception about you?

Tara Reid: I'm not an idiot! I'm smart. I'm a lot smarter than people realize. I've been doing this my whole life. I've been acting forever. I'm good at it. I just want to act again. I'm more than they're letting be. I need a chance. If I get that chance, people will see.

I'm no psychic, but I tend to doubt Reid is going to get another chance and if she doesn't watch herself closely, she'll end up in one of Larry Flynt's videos instead of just in his magazine.

And in another 20 years, she'll probably look like this:

Beware Tara.


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Hartnett Is One Lucky Bastard . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, April 08, 2006 2 comments

"Lucky Number Slevin" opened yesterday, and although it might be an entertaining and semi-cool movie, the film has a glaring problem at its core.

And his name is Josh Hartnett.

Hartnett is one of those actors who continues to get cast despite a resume that boasts more bombs than decent flicks.

It doesn't help matters that Hartnett often looks like he could break into uncontrollable weeping at any given moment while he's onscreen.

This kind of suspect emotion doesn't bolster your credibility as an action hero or hitman, yet those kind of roles litter his resume.

A few of his notable films:

"Here on Earth" - An odious date movie that also boasted Chris Klein in its cast.

"Pearl Harbor" - This mess of a movie wasn't entirely Hartnett's fault, but he sure as shit didn't help matters.

"Black Hawk Down" - Probably Hartnett's finest film to date, but he also had an excellent supporting cast to help him.

"40 Days and 40 Nights" - I watched 20 minutes of this unfunny, pitiful attempt at comedy and those 20 minutes felt like I'd been bashing my head against a wall for 40 days and nights.

"Hollywood Homicide" - Nobody saw this buddy comedy with Harrison Ford, and that's just as well because it was supposed to be truly awful.

"Sin City" - Although the movie itself was excellent, I thought Hartnett was a horrible choice to bookend the project as he turns in a wholly unbelievable performance as a hit man.

I haven't seen nor talked to anyone who's seen 'Slevin' yet, but Hartnett looks like a boy among men from the previews.

Morgan Freeman, Bruce Willis, Ben Kingsley or Stanley Tucci could put Hartnett's balls in a vice without blinking an eye, which is another reason I'm skeptical of any movie that casts him as an integral part of the story.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just jealous that Hartnett is supposedly dating Scarlett Johansson.

But I doubt it.


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Houston We Have A Crack AND Sex Toy Problem . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, April 06, 2006 3 comments

Reading or seeing pictures of Whitney Houston these days is like watching a train wreck or "Saved by the Bell" - you know it's awful but you can't look away.

This week, Tina Brown (Bobby's sister) told The National Enquirer some new filthy revelations about Whitney's drugged-out behavior.

According to The Enquirer, when Whitney is high on crack, she "takes part in lesbian sex, chases any man who comes into her house, and locks herself for hours on end in her bathroom to use her vast collection of sex toys."

Bobby's equipment must not be up to snuff because Whitney's sex toy collection is massive.

"They are all around the damn house," says Tina. "I'm constantly having to get them up. I don't want the kids to find them."

It's good someone is concerned about the children because Whitney apparently just wants to have some private time to reflect in her massive bathroom.

"She locks herself in the bathroom and you hear the 'Vrooom!'," says Tina. "She smokes some crack and says, 'I gotta go.' You know what she's gonna do. It's constant. She be in there for hours, and then I have to call out, 'You all right?' She'll say, 'Yeah,' and she can't talk. Her voice is so hoarse."

It's just sad.


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Homeland Security Works Overtime . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, April 05, 2006 2 comments

A new scandal erupted from Department of Homeland Security this morning when it was announced that Brian Doyle, deputy press secretary, had been arrested on charges stemming from indecent computer use.

Doyle is accused of trying to seduce a child into onliine sex and transmitting pornographic material.

"He graphically explained to a 14-year-old girl what he would like to do to her and what he would like her to do to him," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said.

Doyle thought he was getting hot and heavy with a young girl, but instead his online conquest turned out to be an undercover detective in Florida.

"He started his communication on the computer, clearly identified himself from the very beginning as Brian Doyle from the Department of Homeland Security, where he's a deputy press secretary," Judd said. "Apparently, he was trying to impress this 14-year-old."

He told her his office phone number and the number for his cell phone, which was issued by the government, Judd said.

What kind of deranged lunatic does this kind of thing?

And what 14-year-old girl is likely to be impressed with his position within the Department of Homeland Security?

A 40-year-old conservative political junkie perhaps, but it makes you wonder how somone with absolutely no common sense holds a position of influence within the government. Scary.

Doyle "admitted he liked young girls," confessed, and now is in jail in Maryland, according to Judd.

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Brokeback Buying In Best Buy . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, April 04, 2006 4 comments

I didn't feel particularly manly today when I set my DVDs in front of the Best Buy cashier.

His barely contained smirk didn't help matters as he scanned "Brokeback Mountain" and "Be Here To Love Me," a documentary about Texas troubadour Townes Van Zandt into the computer.

I could see in his eyes that he knew I would also take the free offer of the "Brokeback Mountain" screenplay book which lay next to him on the counter.

At least he didn't make any brokeback jokes, however, because they were funny for awhile, but now they're dead as dogshit or Sharon Stone's career. Take your pick.

I was surprised at how good "Brokeback Mountain" was because I was initially skeptical and felt it was probably getting rave reviews for the novelty of being a "gay cowboy" movie rather than on its own artistic merits.

But I was wrong.

It deserved every award it received and was also better than "Crash," Oscar's pick for best picture of the year. Of course, "Capote" and "A History of Violence" were also better than "Crash," but that's neither here nor there.

My only hope is that a female sequel to Brokeback is lurking in some studio right now, and if so, I say go ahead and here's my idea for the casting.

The acting might not be up to par, but the tent scene would make it all worthwhile.


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Stonewalled . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

A few signs that your career is in BIG TROUBLE:

A) The biggest male co-star you can get to participate in a sequel to a smash hit is David Morrissey

B) You go on a crazed global tour to promote your new movie where you discuss topics ranging from the film's outstanding pedigree to oral sex for teenagers AND still nobody cares.

C) Basic Instict 2 opens to a paltry $3.2 million tying for 10th place with Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.

D) All of the above.

For those playing at home, the correct answer is D. Ouch.


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Bad Hair Hall of Fame . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, April 01, 2006 5 comments

The new Vin Diesel movie, "Find Me Guilty," opened in Austin yesterday, and I wasn't paying the project a speck of attention until I saw a preview where Diesel was running around some courtroom sporting an atrocious wig that I personally found insulting.

How could the filmmakers expect me to believe anything that Diesel said or did when it appeared that someone had plucked a large bird's nest and then glued it sideways onto his bald chrome of a head.

If the production value was so low that they couldn't find a better wig for their main star then the film was in big trouble.

The case could also be made that "Find Me Guilty" was already doomed by the decision to cast Diesel in the first place, but let's focus on his disasterous follicle choices for now.

The tonsorial trauma of Diesel quickly got me thinking of other films where a suspect hairstyle or horrible wig had sabotaged a project.

So, here's a few cases (in no particular order or awfulness):

Joe Pesci in "JFK"

Jeff Bridges in "The Vanishing"

Bruce Willis in "The Jackal"

Collin Farell in "Alexander"

These are just a few cases of preposterous hair in movies, and I'm always curious about other examples that are lurking out there unbeknownst to me.

So bring 'em on if you've got some good ones. In the meantime, I think I'll go see "Thank You For Smoking" where everyone's hair appears to be just fine.


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