Blog Archive

Split Pants and A Cool Breeze . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 30, 2008 19 comments

"The hurricane party's winding down and we're all waiting for the end
And I don't want another drink, I only want that last one again," - James McMurtry, "Hurricane Party"

That's one of the truest lines I've heard in a long time, and while I agree that most drinking sessions break into diminishing returns rather quickly, I still wanted another cold Shiner Bock at McMurtry's concert this past weekend.

My thirst was palpable as I sat on the top row of a set of metal bleachers and watched the show at Threadgills. The sun was down, however, the temperature was still in the high 80s and I felt parched.

I had money. The outside bar was within 20 yards of my seated position. My problem was simple: I had split my jeans wide open, three songs into the set, while trying to showcase my athletic prowess and jump back onto the top row of the bleachers from the grass.

Right away, I knew something was wrong. The sound of fabric being ripped from my body was loud enough to be heard over the music - at least to me. But I did make it back up to a seated position where I inspected the damage.

The tear began at my crotch, under my right testicle and spread in length and width up through the middle of my right butt-cheek. I could feel the breeze immediately run through me, a sensation that was not entirely unpleasant, but the circumstances didn't allow me to fully enjoy it.

I had bigger problems on my mind because I wasn't wearing any underwear.

This is why they tell you to always wear underwear I thought and laughed to myself. My brother eyed me warily until I explained the situation. He then made fun of me for the next several songs, although he graciously agreed to buy the next few rounds which meant I could stay seated and keep Stanley from causing a stir.

But near the end of the concert, I could no longer resist the urge to rid myself of a few Shiners and I had to go to the bathroom. Luckily, it was dark outside, however, the bathroom was inside the restaurant and after making it safely into the Men's room, I was waiting in line when I heard someone say "you got a big-ass hole in your pants buddy."

I replied, "I know, but I got a big ass penis and it ripped a hole in them and damn near took the entire back side off before I corralled him." Then I walked into the next available urinal, took care of my business and kept to the shadows as I walked back outside for the encore.

The rest of the concert went off without issue, but there were no post-concert drinks downtown for me that night. Sometimes, you have to realize when luck is not running your way and simply flee in the opposite direction.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, June 27, 2008 24 comments

"There's nothing wrong with going nowhere, son. It's a privilege of youth." - Kevin Costner, "Fandango"

I'm going nowhere fast today, but it's Friday, so it's hard to quibble about such things. If the work day moves quickly, then everything else will fall into place. But before that happens, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:

George Carlin, the dean of counterculture comedians whose biting insights on life and language were immortalized in his "Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV" routine, died of heart failure Sunday. He was 71.

This was a depressing way to start the week, and the only thing I have to say is "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits." Carlin had too many other great bits to list, and it's sad that he's no longer around to say them himself.

British singer Amy Winehouse, a Grammy winner for the song ``Rehab,'' is being treated for emphysema, a potentially deadly lung disease.

The 24-year-old ``has an early form of emphysema,'' Winehouse's U.K. publicist, Chris Goodman, said today in a telephone interview. ``It's totally reversible and she's responded well to treatment.''

By "treatment," Goodman means that doctors have finally been able to forcibly remove the crack pipe from her hands with a set of restraints and a pair of pliers.

An Italian businessman who had been romantically linked to Anne Hathaway has been arrested on wire fraud conspiracy and money laundering charges, Manhattan prosecutors said Tuesday.

Raffaello Follieri, who was awaiting an appearance in Manhattan federal court, is accused of falsely telling an investor that the Vatican had appointed him to manage its financial affairs. He allegedly claimed that, as a result of his Vatican connections, he and others could obtain properties of the Catholic church in the United States at a substantial discount to fair market value.

There's no word on what questionable details he told Hathaway, however, I'm certain he lied about the size of his penis.

U.S. pop star Madonna reportedly is seeking advice from Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer - Fiona Shackleton - regarding a possible split from her husband Guy Ritchie.

Madonna married the British filmmaker in 2000, and the couple, who have 3 children are not thought to have a prenuptial agreement.

Shackleton's first piece of advice was "you should have signed a pre-nup, you oversexed baboon."

A Los Angeles judge questioned Britney Spears and a parenting coach on Tuesday during a hearing into the pop star's child custody case before ordering a change to her visitation status with her two sons. reported that the judge has granted the Grammy-winning entertainer overnight visits with sons Sean Preston, 2 1/2, and Jaden James, 21 months, who are in the custody of her ex-husband, Kevin Federline.

I cannot fathom exactly what an overnight visit with Spears might entail, but I bet Cheetos are involved somewhere along the way.

Bill Murray and his wife of nearly 11 years, Jennifer Butler Murray, are now divorced.

Documents filed in Charleston County in South Carolina show that a judge approved a divorce agreement on June 13th, barely a month after Jennifer Murray filed divorce papers. Under the agreement, the couple's four children will live with their mother. Bill Murray will have visitation rights and will pay child support.

Jennifer also will keep the couple's home on Sullivans Island, South Carolina, and their second house in Hemet, California.

Bill Murray will get to keep his acute sense of humor - if he's lucky.

Actress Heather Locklear has checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment, her spokeswoman said on Tuesday.

"Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression," Locklear's spokeswoman Cece Yorke said in a statement to Reuters. "She requested an in depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment."

I'm holding out for a quick recovery and hopefully her doctors keep showing her mirrors to remind her she's Heather Locklear and she should be happy about that. I know I am.

Tim McGraw helped eject an unruly fan from a concert this week as he was about to sing "Indian Outlaw."

McGraw shouts "Get rid of this guy," summons security and helps arriving crew members haul him onstage. When the heavyset fan moves toward McGraw, the singer threatens him with a cocked fist as he's hauled away.

In the ejected fan's defense, "Indian Outlaw" really, really sucks.

But let's not end on a down note, and instead, focus on a gold image like:

I'm a man who can appreciate both vice as well as nudity, and I never judge a person who indulges in both at the same time. So, don't be afraid to mix your pleasures today, refuse to throw stones in glass houses and . . . Happy Friday!


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Inching Forward . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, June 26, 2008 18 comments

Ever since I delivered the final draft of our screenplay at the end of May, each week has been largely spent sending emails and leaving voicemails politely checking to see if it had been read by the producer.

I felt this showed a sizable amount of restraint because what I really wanted to write/say was "get off your lazy ass and spend a few hours reading the damn thing - jerk-off."

But I didn't. This turned out to be a smart move as the mark-ups were finally given back to us yesterday, and my brother and I spent last night pouring over them.

Luckily, the script wasn't gutted, and in fact, it remained largely intact from the copy that we sent his way last month. At his suggestion, we had already upped some of the vulgarity to ensure an 'R' rating, which may or may not remain as we move forward. However, it did lead to my writing lines such as:

"Now fuck me like a farm animal on my father's front porch."

I liked the imagery and attempted alliteration. The producer seemed to enjoy it as well.

He still wants to add a half dozen elements to the script, but most of them are fine by us. There are a few questionable ones that we plan to push back on to show some backbone.

The next step is to try to set a face-to-face meeting to go over details like registering the script with the Writer's Guild, options and who we're going to pitch the script to as National Lampoon's has come into the conversation recently since they are beginning to make their own movies again versus licensing their name to straight-to-DVD flicks. We'll see.

So after spending a month stuck in neutral, we seem to be inching forward again and I'll take minimal progress versus a black hole of information any day of the week and twice on Sunday.


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Road Trip Blues . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, June 24, 2008 16 comments

It was 1:30 a.m. and my brother and I were driving west on I-10 out of Houston when I began to seriously regret eating the sirloin burger from Jack in the Box.

We had taken a road trip from Austin to Houston and back again to see Tom Waits in concert. The show was easily worth it as Waits wasn't touring in Austin, and it had been more than decade since he'd been anywhere in Texas that was vaguely close to where I was living at the time.

But as the sirloin burger sat in my stomach like a lead balloon coated in six different kinds of cheese and the darkness felt oppressive, I began to wonder if I could survive work the next day. The six Heinekens which were consumed at the concert weren't helping matters either.

This is the problem with road trips - the coming home is lousy.

On the drive down, optimism reigned supreme as my brother and I discussed new script ideas, plotted other concerts to attend, and espoused the collective merits of Marissa Miller.

The return trip was bleak.

Three hours of darkness. Three hours of halting conversation punctuated by long silences of evil contemplation, which would be followed by complete conversational non-sequitors. I recall snapping out of a daze near Lulling to bitterly wonder:

Who the fuck eats turnips anyway?

There was no answer. At least none offered.

Whereas the ride to Houston was generally filled with a positive view of the universe, the world had suddenly turned against us. It took 30 minutes at Jack in the Box for unknown reasons of sloth. There was nothing on the radio. Construction zones were abundant.

It's also a peculiar breed of person who is out that early on a weekday. When we stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break, there was an older man in the bathroom who was chanting or muttering to himself - loudly - in the stalls and it gave me the Fear.

Inside the store itself, a bleached blonde hovered with glazed eyes around a box of Nilla Wafers. She was staring in the direction of the box when I entered restroom, when I left the restroom and for all I know, she might still be looking for any shred of wisdom that could be found on the box of such snack treats.

We finally hit the Austin city limits around 2:15 a.m., and I got to bed around 3 a.m. before getting up at 6 a.m. to make the gym as a punishment for my hubris. Ugly.

My head hurts, my eyes look like cracked walnuts covered in red jell-o and I'm strongly considering pulling a George Costanza and trying to sleep under my desk today. But it was worth it. I think.


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Thoughts on "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 23, 2008 13 comments

Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Matinee or rental. If you're starved for comedy, then you could justify a matinee of 'Zohan,' however, it will lose nothing by waiting until it transitions to DVD.

Will I Own It On DVD: No. At this point, I don't own any Adam Sandler movies on DVD.

1) The summer movie crop has been fairly unappealing so far, which has caused a multi-week absence from the theater that ended when the 100 degree weather in Austin pushed me to see "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" this past weekend. I went in with low expectations, and wasn't disappointed as the film had solid laughs and its overall good-natured approach also helped make it a worthwhile experience.

2) As a general rule, I don't like Adam Sandler movies that much. I don't loathe his material, but I am also not rolling in the aisles when he talks in a little boy voice or morphs into pure rage. I liked "Happy Gilmore" and "The Wedding Singer" and never saw "Little Nicky" or "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" because they looked so horrible. I would place 'Zohan' closer to the top of Sandler's work.

3) Sandler must have been working out as he spends a decent amount of the movie shirtless or in sleeveless attire. Personally, I would have preferred to see more of his love interest - Emmanuell Chriqui - baring the same amount in the name of equality, but I think the ratio was heavily tipped in Sandler's favor. Chriqui plays a salon owner who eventually falls for Sandler despite hearing him pleasure at least 40 geriatric women in her place of business. She has a fine attitude, which obviously includes not sweating the small things like STDs.

4) There are lot of cameos in the movie with everyone from Chris Rock to Mariah Carey to Dave Matthews showing up during the running time. Matthews was the best of the bunch as his turn as a redneck leader trying to incite a Israeli-Palenstenian fight was pretty funny and he also got to sport a fine mustache in the process.

5) Since Judd Apatow co-wrote 'Zohan,' it's about 15 - 20 minutes too long as the story of an ex-Israeli soldier who comes to New York City to become a hairdresser just doesn't justify more than 90 minutes.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, June 20, 2008 16 comments

"Don't condescend me, man. I'll fuckin' kill ya, man. " - Brad Pitt, "True Romance"

This will be brief today as I've been living in a suspended state of reality due to the fact that time and news don't exist in Las Vegas. But before I collapse and start hiding from casino henchmen looking for their money, let's discuss:

Soul singer Amy Winehouse remained in hospital on Tuesday for more tests after fainting at home on Monday and being rushed to a clinic by her father, a spokesman said.

"She's staying there for the time being," the spokesman said. "They are still not quite sure what happened and the tests were inconclusive."

I'm no doctor, but I would wager that she fainted from taking too many drugs and not eating anything except a crack pipe - you don't need a degree in medicine to figure out that mystery.

Officials said on Monday they will not file charges against pop star Britney Spears over a photographer's claim she ran over his foot as she backed up her car in a crush of paparazzi.

Joseph Shidler, deputy district attorney, said:

"We have no evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the suspect was aware that the victim's foot had been struck by the car," Shidler wrote. "There was much commotion and noise at the time and there is no proof that the suspect was aware of what had happened."

He also added that "unfortunately, Miss Spears is rarely aware of what has just happened so this might set a dangerous precedent for the future."

Britney Spears' 17-year-old sister Jamie Lynn, star of Nickelodeon's popular TV show "Zoey 101," has given birth to a baby girl, People magazine reported on Thursday.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to Maddie Briann on Thursday morning at a hospital in Mississippi, the magazine said.

The baby girl's name was changed from the original choice of "Hope" when the parents realized their wasn't any.

Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty Friday to assaulting two police officers during an "air rage" incident at Heathrow Airport. She has not been sentenced yet.

Prosecutor Melanie Parrish told the court that Campbell had taken a first class seat on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles when she was told one of her bags, along with other passengers' luggage, had not been loaded onto the plane.

She said the captain came out to explain the situation to Campbell, but that she became abusive and refused to listen and used to her mobile phone to yell:

"Get me another flight, get the press, get me my lawyer," the model said, according to prosecutors.

Get Campbell a nice, big jail cell too - just don't leave anything lying around for her to throw at the guards.

Charlie Sheen has issued an apology after expletive-laden answer machine messages he left for his ex-wife Denise Richards two years ago were made public online.

In the 2005 voicemails, which have been circulating on the Internet for the past two days, an angry Sheen rages about what he calls his former wife's "lawyer bull [bleep]" in the midst of their divorce proceedings.

He rants, "I guess I should just get used to the fact that ... you fire off your nonsense and your lawyer bull [bleep] and your [bleep] e-mails and then you don't answer the phone.

"I'm just really [bleep] mad and you owe me a phone call. ... If I did the same [bleep] to you, you'd be [bleep] furious."

And in a follow-up voicemail, from April 19 of the same year, Sheen goes ballistic, shouting, "I hope you rot in [bleep] hell. You're a piece of [bleep], [bleep] liar. ... I hope I never [bleep] talk to you again you [bleep] [bleep].

Personally, I felt the messages were a bit ambigious, and that Sheen should have aplogized for not making his feelings clear.

But let's not end with ugly fights and nastiness and instead go with a gold image such as:

This picture makes me feel guilty for neglecting my fruit intake. So, get some Vitamin C today, squeeze a few oranges to make sure they're ripe and . . . Happy Friday!


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Working In Sin City . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 16, 2008 16 comments

"This old town is filled with sin, it will swallow you in
If you've got some money to burn," Gram Parsons, "Sin City"

I'm flying to Las Vegas tomorrow morning, and unless something strange happens, I won't return until Friday. If I'm not back by Monday, alert the authorities and begin the search at the Spearmint Rhino.

This is not a leisure trip, however, as I was drafted by my company's marketing department to attend a large trade show because I had a "a positive look for it" and I would "represent (insert company name here) well." We'll see.

I tried several excuses to get out of this gig, but none of them worked. The only times I've been to Vegas were for bachelor parties, which happened to coincide with college football season, so my time there has been largely spent betting on games, playing low-limit Blackjack downtown and scheduling quality time at the aforementioned Rhino.

But I doubt that I will indulge myself in the same manner this time.

Instead, I have to spend half my days working at our booth, and then the nights going out with clients and co-workers and making the kind of annoying small talk that leaves my stomach full of battery acid and a semi-permanent smirk on my face. This is an ugly combination that I dread like the plague.

The only way to combat the horror is to pour booze down your neck, but that has its own pitfalls because my body deals with hangovers by utterly rebelling on me and that would make the next day's booth duties nearly untenable. I simply cannot talk about our product suite if my stomach is churning with electric eels and my mouth tastes like a dead raccoon died inside of it.

I cannot rally like I could when I was 20 years old, which burns on multiple levels.

At least the hotel I'm staying at looks solid, and with any luck at all, I can cover my gambling debts by expensing client dinners to the company. I just hope our payroll department doesn't object to Rhino on the menu.

Everybody have a hell of a good week.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, June 13, 2008 19 comments

"First learn how to heal people to be great, to hurt people is easy." - Steven Seagal, "Hard to Kill"

Seagal is a man who understands the virtues around striving for greatness, and so do I. I doubt I will find a direct path to that fabled land at work today, however, it might happen later at a concert that I plan to attend in downtown Austin. But for now, let's focus on the tough stories of the week such as:

Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl - Honor Marie Warren - this week in Los Angeles and her husband, Cash Warren, was also at her side.

It was reported that Mr. Warren chose the baby's name in recognition that it's "an Honor that Jessica hasn't divorced me." Yet.

The New York City Opera has commissioned American composer Charles Wuorinen to write an opera based on "Brokeback Mountain," a love story about two U.S. ranch-hands that won three Oscars when it was turned into a movie.

The opera house's spokesman Gerard Mortier said in a statement on Sunday that Wuorinen had accepted an invitation to compose an opera based on Annie Proulx's short story. It is slated to premiere during City Opera's 2013 spring season.

In a related story, Clay Aiken has purchased a season pass for the Opera's 2013 spring season.

Katherine Heigl, who was honored as best supporting actress in a drama last year for "Grey's Anatomy," declined to put her name in consideration for an Emmy bid, a spokeswoman for the actress said Wednesday.

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization" decided against competing, Heigl said in a written statement.

Let me get this straight: Heigl chose to remove her name from the Emmy's, yet also chose to make "27 Dresses"?

Two years after sweeping the city streets as part of community service, Boy George has decided to perform a free concert for his former sanitation co-workers in New York City on Aug. 17th.

"The people I worked alongside showed great kindness to me at a very difficult time, and I wanted to thank them all in a way that would show my appreciation," he said.

A sanitation spokesman said that while the group appreciates the gesture, "we really don't need to deal with any additional garbage on our day off."

Pancreatic cancer is not slowing Patrick Swayze as the "Dirty Dancing" veteran will star in the cop drama "The Beast," which has just been picked up by cable's A&E Network.

Swayze plays an unorthodox but effective FBI veteran who trains a new partner (Travis Fimmel) in his hard-edged and psychologically clever style of agenting.

"I have searched for quite a long time to find a character that is this multilayered, unpredictable and downright entertaining as well as a project this current and cutting-edged," Swayze said.

It's unclear if Swayze will also teach his new partner the finer points of the Mambo or Foxtrot, however, his contract calls for any dancing to be "dirty."

Paul Newman reacted to a rash of internet and television stories that he has lung cancer by telling the world he is "doing nicely".

Media reports began circulating on Monday that the actor was undergoing out-patient treatment at New York's Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

Much like the frenzy around "Snakes on a Plane," I hope the Internet got this story wrong and that Newman is doing just fine.

As always, let's end on a high note with:

I sometimes find myself tied up in knots, which is not always a bad thing. So, don't worry if find yourself in a tight spot, let the punishment fit the crime and . . . Happy Friday!


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Aggressive Art Buying . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, June 11, 2008 22 comments

"Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect." - Steve Martin, "L.A. Story"

At some point during my hiatus, I started buying art.

Art is very subjective, and I hate to ridicule virtually anything in this particular field with the possible exception of that ridiculous sculpture of a pregnant Britney Spears bent over a bearskin rug in all her glory - or lack thereof. I suppose you have to draw the artistic line somewhere, and that figurative line in the sand could start with that worthless piece of crap.

"I want to draw. I want to create. I want to sculpt something massive . . . Where's the bathroom?" - Chevy Chase, "European Vacation"

I can't draw two realistic stick figures, so I have a high degree of admiration for someone who can paint a realistic fruit bowl sitting on a table. That being said, I could care less about buying something like that to hang on my wall. Especially my current residence, which is an industrial loft with high, exposed ceilings and a few cinderblock walls scattered among the traditional drywall.

Modern art works well for me in this regard. I enjoy colors and textures versus a faithful rendering of a field of lilies. At least I do right now.

Luckily, my wife and I discovered a local artist who paints modern pieces as well as someone who boasts a strong dislike of galleries. This latter philosophy meant that her pieces were somewhat affordable, a change of pace from the downtown galleries where similar pieces carried price tags in excess of $5,000.

She kept her art on display at her home, which was a 3-story house that had art on every floor. It was a comfortable setting and I was able to consume several complimentary cocktails as I roamed the residence.

There was no pressure to buy, and no pretentious art gallery salesperson to stalk me and discuss how a certain piece "conveys the artists feelings of alienation and anger in the face of a cold, hard world."

Save that shit for someone who cares.

But I did buy a piece to hang over the bed:

(On the artist's wall)

(Above my bed)

The piece (I also love referring to art as "pieces" for some reason) simply jumped out at me, and since hanging the painting, we've had several people over to view it. Some of them were a little taken aback at the boldness of the colors, but my typical response has been: "It's an aggressive piece - like me in the bedroom."

I like to watch their reaction, and then follow it up with "Art should reflect your personality - don't you agree?"

I do.


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Corporate Etiquette 108 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 09, 2008 16 comments

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the eighth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

I worked like an animal in May.

This was mainly due to my daily attempt to shoehorn 8 hours of office work into 4 hours of actual effort when you take away the 3 hours I spent writing the screenplay and another hour at lunch. My typical day went like this:

6:30 a.m. - Gym
7:45 a.m. - Arrive at work and drink two cups of coffee
8 - 10 a.m. - Write at least 3 scenes for script
10 - 11:30 a.m - Work
11:30 a.m. - 12:30 a.m. - Lunch
12:30 - 2 p.m. - Work
2 - 3 p.m. - Write at least 1 scene for script
3 - 4 p.m. - Work
4:15 p.m. - Drive home and finish working from there

It was a stressful time, and I looked a bit rushed. I was also getting into the office early and remaining there for long periods of time. Whenever my boss or someone would come by my desk, I appeared deep in thought or furiously writing a vastly important email.

The fact that I was constantly trying to think my way around a plot point or scribble down a few golden nuggets of dialogue for the screenplay was lost of everyone except me. And in fact, I was rewarded for my behavior.

At the end of the month, my boss surprised me at my desk early one morning, where I sat trying to figure out whether a feathered riding crop or a purple dildo was a funnier visual. He told me he appreciated all the hours and effort I'd been putting into my work lately and it had NOT gone unnoticed.

He then handed me a $50 gift card to use at any store at a local mall, and told me to keep up the example for the rest of our group. I was a shining light.

Crazy. I had to laugh and now that I've finished the script, my work accolades will likely suffer. Then again, I just need another side project to keep me busy and I'll be rolling in gift cards and promotions.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, June 06, 2008 18 comments

"The things you own, end up owning you," - Brad Pitt, "Fight Club"

There's probably some truth to that statement, however, I have little interest in owning anything except my own free time today, which will begin about 3:30 pm CST if I can get my work done and bolt out the office doors like greased lightening. But before that can happen, let's look at the tough stories of the week such as:

Tatum O'Neal was due to be arraigned in New York City Monday after police arrested her for allegedly buying crack cocaine near her home.

Police charged Paper Moon Oscar winner, 44, with criminal possession of a controlled substance. The New York Post reported that O'Neal is said to have told officers, "You know who I am, right?" She also claimed she was "researching a part – I'm doing this for a part as a junkie."

I wish O'Neal good luck with that excuse as mine didn't work two weeks ago when I told Austin police that I was "working on my method acting for the part of a fire hose" - they still issued me a ticket for urinating in a dark alley near Sixth Street.

Hulk Hogan's son - Nick Bollea - requested alterations to his jail sentence, but was denied removal from solitary confinement at the Pinellas County Jail in Largo, Florida.

The 17-year-old is currently in solitary confinement at Pinellas County Jail after pleading guilty to a charge of dangerous driving involving serious bodily injury.

The judge said that releasing Nick Bollea into the general inmate population would only result in dangerous wrestling matches which weren't faked "like your Dad and the Iron Sheik."

A spokesman for Kelsey Grammer says the "Frasier" star is recovering in a Hawaii hospital after a mild heart attack this weekend. Stan Rosenfield says Grammer is "resting comfortably" after the actor was stricken with the attack while paddle-boarding with his wife, Camille.

I'm glad Grammar is doing well, but he was definitely motor-boating his wife Camile, not "paddle-boarding" as that sounds closer to the truth.

Rosie O'Donnell told Howard Stern this week that she finds her former "View" co-host and sparring partner Elisabeth Hasselbeck "very attractive."

"Were you not attracted to Elisabeth Hasselbeck?" Stern asked. "When you look at her physically, you don't want her?" "See, the 'want' is the big thing," O'Donnell responded, suggesting she doesn't desire Hasselbeck. "I find her very attractive. She's very attractive, I think."

I think - check that, I know - that I'm going to be a little sick.

The backlash in China against Sharon Stone continued Wednesday as the Shanghai International Film Festival said the American actress was not welcome at this year's event.

The 50-year-old "Basic Instinct" star provoked outrage in China after suggesting the recent earthquake in central Sichuan province may have been the result of bad "karma" because of Beijing's rule in Tibet.

The festival might claim it was Stone's tasteless remarks about the earthquake, however, I think it was due to her participation in "Basic Instinct 2" that caused the invitation to be rescinded.

Ed McMahon, the longtime sidekick to U.S. talk show host Johnny Carson, is fighting to save his multimillion dollar Beverly Hills home from foreclosure, McMahon's spokesman said on Wednesday.

According to public records, McMahon was then about $644,000 in arrears on the mortgage for the six-bedroom, five-bathroom home in an exclusive area of Beverly Hills.

Hopefully, McMahon can work something out with the bank or he'll be loudly proclaiming "Heeeeeeeeere's Bankruptcy" soon enough.

Per usual, let's end on a high note:

I rarely crawl myself, however, I might get down on all fours to play this game. So, stay low to the ground today, know that it's OK to get dirty and . . . Happy Friday!


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