Blog Archive

Thoughts On "Blades of Glory" . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, March 31, 2007 6 comments

1) Will Ferrell reading the phone book would be semi-funny, so there are some laughs in "Blades of Glory," but the overrall film is not nearly as solid as "Anchorman" or "Talledega Nights" and simply coasts by a "big premise" and Ferrell's brand of nonsensical statements.

2) Part of the problem is that Ferrell's comedy sparring partner in 'Blades' is John Heder, who was excellent as "Napolean Dynamite," but with each increasing role it's becoming adundantly clear that he lacks some acting chops and I don't find his vacant stare that funny anymore.

3) Jenna Fischer from "The Office" also appears, and she looks terrific, especially in a seduction scene with Ferrell where she winds up dressed in a corset. Who knew Pam had it in her?

4) One of the funniest Ferrell quips involves Nancy Kerrigan, but I won't reveal the actual exchange. Luckily, they left a few scenes out of the previews and in the film which provided some laughs as I was begining to wonder.

5) Ferrell has probably displayed more flesh - pale, hairy and soft - onscreen than any other actor/actress over the past 5 years. His body of work, literally, is amazing and for some reason is nearly impossible not laugh as he uses his frame to full effect.

Overrall, if you go in with low expectations and don't pay full price, then "Blades of Glory" will likely satisfy you with some decent laughs. It's not up to some of Ferrell's past films, however, and I just hope that his next project places more importance on the script because Will Ferrell + some big idea does not always equal comedic gold.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, March 30, 2007 10 comments

"I covered myself in Vaseline. I can feel it squishing between my toes," - Burt Reynolds, "Striptease"

It's been an overcast, rainy and generally crappy week in Austin with end of quarter madness at work and my vacation tan fading faster than Lindsay Lohan's sobriety, but let's put all that aside to deal with the important stories like:

Officials confirmed this week that Anna Nicole Smith died as the result of an accidental overdose caused by combining a powerful sleeping drug with a number of prescription medications, which totaled close to 10 substances.

This should put to rest most of the conspiracy theories about her death, and also explain how she could stand to be around Howard K. Stern so often.

On Sunday night Britney Spears entered a hospital - but it had nothing to do with her recent stay in rehab. The 'Toxic' singer was admitted to the Century City Medical Plaza for little more than a broken tooth.

The catch: Spears likely broke her tooth trying to open a Vodka bottle with her mouth.

Rapper Eminem and his ex-wife Kim Mathers have reached a court agreement to stop criticizing one another. The couple, who divorced for the second time last year, decided to stop publicly trading insults for the sake of their 11-year-old daughter Hailie.

It's a good thing the rapper and his ex-wife will start acting civil, which just leaves the multiple recordings Eminem has released over the years threatening to rape and kill Kim for their daughter to discover at a later date.

Wynonna Judd filed for divorce Tuesday from estranged husband Dan Roach, less than a week after he was indicted in Tennessee on three charges of aggravated sexual battery against a minor under the age of 13.

Sounds like a really bad country song don't it?

Bloomsbury Publishing Plc and Scholastic have unveiled the cover design of the last book in the Harry Potter series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" which was created by Mary GrandPre, acclaimed illustrator of the six previous U.S. editions.

The book doesn't come out until summer, but now adults and kids alike have something keep their wands in a frenzy until the release date.

Bono was bestowed knighthood in Dublin Thursday in a private ceremony attended by family and friends in recognition of his contributions to the music industry and his inspirational efforts to end poverty on the continent of Africa.

After the ceremony, Bono went to take a leak and during his stroll through town he stopped a mugging, gave money to a homeless man, rescued a kitten from a tree and cured cancer. The man always makes me feel lazy.

The 30th "Star Wars" anniversary will be celebrated with a set of iconic stamps featuring the well-known characters of the "Star Wars" movies, including Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and R2-D2.

The U.S. Post Office also announced they fear that some fans will just lick and lick and lick the stamps bearing their favorite characters and never properly mail anything.

As always, let's end things with a pleasing image like this one:

I like women who spell things out, so forget any sense of ambiguity today, say what you really mean and . . . Happy Friday!


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Love Patch . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, March 29, 2007 9 comments

It seems that Anti-Eating Hollywood Club has added another member in Courtney Love if these recent pics are any indication.

I always found Love to have a vague sex appeal in the way that only drugged-out, curvy and crazy rock n roll women can attain. You'd have to be crazier than she was to date her, but if you were looking for one wild night of animal frenzy and hotel-room trashing, then you could do far worse.

Apparently Bruce Willis felt the same way as he is rumored to have recently hooked up with Love inside a nightclub where the duo were pawing each other all night.

On the other hand, Willis would likely hump a rhinoceros if it weren't for the horn, but that's neither here nor there.

Men prowling for Courtney Love or women in general should be overjoyed at the news that a new patch by Procter & Gamble designed to increase women's sex drive will become available in the UK from the beginning of April.

Intrinsa is the first treatment for women with low sex drives and has been branded a female Viagra.

The patch will be by prescription only, but I can already see guys walking around clubs with a pocketful of patches just waiting to buy a lady a drink and slap on a patch in the guise of a friendly hug. Alcohol and the patch and some witty conversation would easily increase your chances of scoring.

It would also be cheaper than other arousal techniques including one that an old friend once espoused, which was "$100 bills makes 'em all horny as goats."

He was a charming bastard.


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Is It Really Cheating If . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, March 28, 2007 15 comments

{This is the ninth in a recurring series which will explore the brutally complex concept of monogomy in increasingly outlandish scenarios. We hope these will be illuminating what-if scenarios, and that they will cultivate some intense philosophical discussions around what, if anything, really constitutes cheating.}

Is It Really Cheating If:

You enter and win a trip on one of the first commercial shuttles going to Outer Space. Before you depart, however, you find yourself noticing another passenger, a dark-haired woman originally from Brazil and now living in Texas.

She notices you as well and then the space suits go on and blast-off occurs. You wave to your spouse/fiancé/girlfriend on the ground as the ship moves away from the Earth. Once you start orbiting our planet, you are struck by the amazing beauty of the experience and then find yourself floating towards the woman in a tucked-away corner of the shuttle.

You point at the Earth down below and both share a moment watching it before the sheer immensity of the situation and her hand on your shoulder cause you to produce a bold, yet weightless erection.

In slow motion, you both float to the back for some privacy and engage in a bump and grind that sets records for slowness and concentration, yet you still manage to complete the task like an unbridled stallion.

With space suits back on, you enjoy the rest of the trip and return safely to Earth where your spouse/fiancé/girlfriend meets you at the gates.

So, since the entire experience was weightless and extremely difficult, and you also remember that your spouse/fiancé/girlfriend once said that fidelity meant not having sex with "anybody else but me on the face of the Earth," is it really cheating?


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Gene Versus Nicole In The Morning . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, March 27, 2007 12 comments

I was drinking coffee this morning and scanning the Web when I came across this recent picture of Kiss frontman Gene Simmons following plastic surgery:

That puffed-up image was tough to stomach, but I guess you have to do whatever it takes to stay on top for Rock N Roll. My main question is why does Simmons look like a bloated old Asian woman?

Following the Simmons shot, I then confronted another rough one as Nicole Kidman seems to have lost at least 95% of her sexiness (not that I ever found her particularly attractive).

I guess Keith Urban's rehab stay took a heavy toll on Nicole because she looks pale and downtrodden with a body devoid of curves. Even her hair looks tired.

But I'm tired as well, and look like a wet sewer rat as it's been raining and gray in Austin for the past week, so I can empathize with Gene and Nicole's plight. I just wish I was making the same amount of cash as either of them because being money-whipped always eases the pain of looking like hell.


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Love & Hate & Letters . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, March 26, 2007 15 comments

I got letter-tagged with the intent being to come up with 10 things you love and hate beginning with that one letter, which is fine in theory except my letter is V and that is tricky. So, let's see about some answers:


1) Virgin Gorda - Easy one.

2) Vonnegut - If you haven't read Slaughterhouse 5 and Cat's Cradle, I highly recommend them.
3) Voltaire - I have a nice leather-bound copy of Candide that I like quite a bit.

4) Vagina - A bit clinical, but . . .
5) Vegetables - I wouldn't say I love them, but I've grown a lot closer to them than I ever was before.
6) Van Wilder - This was actually a semi-funny movie that I rented and enjoyed much more than I thought possible.
7) Versailles - Great palace well worth seeing if you're in France.

8) Voltron - At least I did as a kid, but I'm not sure about the movie if it gets made.
9) Vulgar people - But only funny ones, a true vulgarian knows how & when to display it.
10) Victoria Silvstedt - Just look at her.


1) Vacillate - I don't care for people who constantly change their opinions all the time.
2) Venereal disease - Enough said.
3) Venom - Hate snakes, especially poisonous ones.

4) Ventriloquists - I just find it vaguely creepy to make puppets talk like that.

5) Vertigo - Not the movie, just a feeling I get when I'm up high as I prefer being closer to the ground.
6) Victims - Not real victims, but your friends who always make themselves out to be the "victim" of life - every damn time.
7) Vanilla Ice Cream - Too bland. At least mix in something interesting.

8) Vonage - Those commercials annoy me (mostly the music).
9) Van Damme - I'd always go with Seagal over Jean Claude.

10) Vince Mcmahon - I'll give him credit for showmanship and making wrestling popular, but I'd still like to punch him in the kidneys.


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Up On The Mountain Vol. 12 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, March 24, 2007 10 comments

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books, music and life its ownself.}

It's easy to dismiss Steven Seagal these days as a paunchy pugilist who releases another straight-to-video movie with increasingly unbelievable editing each week, but back in the 90s, Seagal and his ponytail kicked some serious ass.

And no movie put his particular brand of authoritative aloofness and bone-busting ability on better display than "Marked For Death," which found Seagal battling drug-dealing, voodoo-practicing Jamaicans. This film was preceded by the excellent "Hard to Kill" and occurred before his fame reached its zenith with "Under Siege."

For my money, however, "Marked For Death" was the high-water mark for Seagal as the fight scenes were numerous and featured several busted arms, a few clotheslines and even a brutal eye-gouging that didn't stop until there were empty sockets staring at nothing in particular.

There was also plenty of weaponry on display that was used on bad guys and huge slabs of meat, but in a smart move, the filmmakers had the final showdown come down to Segal casually wielding a large sword against his nemesis, Screwface.

The movie even featured Seagal doing a bizarre shimmy to Reggae music inside a Jamaican dance-club, a scene that showcased the pure animal magnetism that he boasted in those days as Seagal looks woefully out of place, yet still managed to seduce and threaten a good-looking woman for information.

That's the Seagal I grew to love in those days.

He was afraid of nobody and didn't care if he was up against one Jamaican or a posse of them wielding carpentry materials. He was a man of few words, the majority of which were barely audible and he still found time to have a beer with old friends (Keith David in this movie) when he wasn't charming the ladies with his ferocious pony-tail.

These traits were on full display in "Marked For Death," a movie that is a must-see for those whose lives feel incomplete without taking a good look at Seagal during his salad days of yesteryear.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, March 23, 2007 9 comments

"I don't speak very much Arabic, but I'm pretty sure I heard the word for gang-bang," - Demi Moore, "St. Elmo's Fire"

It's been a dreary, rainy week in Austin, a marked contrast to the sun and the beach, but enough about that as you cannot live in the past and time marches on with stories to discuss like:

This week a judge in Nassau, Bahamas ordered DNA samples from Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead for testing.

It's about damn time as this test should easily solve the "Who's Your Daddy" mystery, although it might just turn the whole thing on its head when my DNA comes up as a match. That's right, I'm ready to throw my hat in the ring too.

Dina Lohan said recently that her daughter Lindsay isn't an alcoholic and that people are wrong to assume that she's a club-hopping "party mom." "Oh, the party mom, the party mom, the party mom!" Lohan says. "Whoever said that, my ex-husband or whatever, I'm not the party mom!"

She went onto add, "I'm hardly a mom at all. I'm more like a big sister - who gets paid by my little sister, who drinks like a fish." Dina then giggled uncontrollably and went back to her cell phone call.

Hollywood actress Uma Thurman and her partner, businessman Andre Balazs have reportedly broken up after a three-year relationship and just days after US reports claimed the two would get married this summer on a secluded West Indies island.

This is just another affirmation to me that nearly 96% of relationships where the woman is more than 4 inches taller than the man are doomed to failure (witness: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman for example).

And speaking of Tom Cruise, the actor signed up this week to star in an untitled thriller based on an attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler at the height of World War II and will be directed by Bryan Singer.

I think this is a good career move for Cruise because if there's one person who's popularity is even lower than Tom's has plummeted lately, it's Adolph Hitler.

It took a couple of false starts, not to mention a shaved head, but Britney Spears now "successfully completed" her stay in rehab. The pop star checked out of the Promises Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility on Tuesday, her manager, Larry Rudolph, said in a statement released by Jive Records.

I might have stayed in rehab longer if I knew I would likely have to pay K-Fed $20 million for a divorce (as it is rumored) upon my return home.

Nicole Richie, The Simple Life star, who took ill on the set of her E! reality show this month, has been diagnosed with hypoglycemia, or low-blood sugar, her rep confirmed Wednesday.

Richie will control this disorder by continuing to not eat sugar or anything else besides lettuce and hot tea.

Oscar winner Cate Blanchett has joined the cast of the long anticipated 4th 'Indiana Jones' film due to start filming in Los Angeles in June.

I guess "Babel" and "Notes on a Scandal" will net you nominations and awards, but it won't pay the bills.

Former Desperate Housewives lawn boy Jesse Metcalfe has entered rehab for an alcohol problem, and the 28-year-old star’s publicist issued a statement Wednesday asking the media to respect his privacy.

That should be easy as it's not hard to respect privacy when nobody gives a damn.

But I do give a damn about images like these outtakes from Virgin Gorda:

I'm not sure how that last one got in there, but regardless, everyone enjoy your time in the sun or the rain, make sure to minimize tan lines at all costs and . . . Happy Friday!


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Jenna Breaks My Heart . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, March 22, 2007 14 comments

I've finally reached my boiling point with the stick-thin, emaciated, curves like a 90-year-old woman Entertainment industry junk, and it was legendary porn star Jenna Jameson who finally pushed me over the edge.

Jameson recently turned up somewhere looking gaunt, an appearance that completely baffles me as she was always thin and yet still had some exquisite curves (some of them bought and paid for, but I refuse to quibble). The scary part is that she looks pretty damn happy with herself in the shots:

When will the madness end?

This stick-thin craze has claimed another victim, an actress whose body of work could rival nearly anyone in the industry, but now Jameson's legendary tattoo on her ass reading "Heart-breaker" is very apt because these images rip mine into two parts.

Jameson used to ooze sex like oil from an '88 Taurus:

It's a truly sad day when Jameson is forced to join the ranks of:

Nicole, Kate, Kiera & Jessica

I never thought I'd advocate anyone hanging out with Rosie O'Donnell, but I'd recommend any of these actresses begin consultations with the View co-host on dietary matters, hopefully starting with Jameson.

And if that doesn't work, I might just start my own service in Austin because there's enough Tex-Mex, Chicken Fried Steak and Barbecue to add weight to any of these women if they needed a place to stay for awhile.


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