{This is the 32nd entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I ploughed through a holiday birthday bash during the Big 12 Championship game where the Shiner Bock was flowing freely, which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
• Kay Jeweler’s boasts the cheesiest holiday commercials by far each and every year
• You can never have too many Christmas lights around your place.
• Don’t be the person who gives the awkwardly long hugs at holiday gatherings – it’s just creepy for everyone involved
• Be done with your shopping by Dec. 15th – except for the inevitable last minute emergencies - or you will pay the price
• Don’t be the guy wearing the Santa hat to the party unless the full outfit is included with it
• Never get behind anyone older than 65 when checking out with your gifts because this age bracket still writes checks to pay for things
• Stop giving knick-knack gifts to people – everyone has too many of those things already
• When you have multiple party invitations, always finish with the one closest to where you live so your drive home is shorter
• Never use someone else’s joke at a holiday party if the originator is also on the guest list
• Never drink more than 1 cup of eggnog at any party. 
• Some combination of Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story and Scrooged should be watched during the month of December
• Never consume more than 3 drinks at your company holiday party unless you want terrible stories to circulate about you and the office intern following the bash
• “You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin
-BDS
{This is the 31st entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I endured sun and rain and mud and drank my way through a plethora of Heineken Keg cans at the ACL Festival, which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
• All women look sexier covered with sweat than drenched with water
• Nobody looks sexy while wearing a poncho
• Learn how to take a punch, but only utilize the skill on rare occasions
• Even if it’s being sold, wine has no place at a music festival – beer or water are the only reasonable choices
• Gate Security never pats you down well enough to find a few tightly rolled joints
• There are absolutely no winners, but women truly get a raw deal when it comes to port-a-pots
• You’ll never discover how all the bruises and sore muscles occurred the night before when you wake up the following morning
• Unless you’re younger than 25 years old, then it’s not worth fighting your way right in front of the stage
• Join in during an impromptu group dance session, but stay out of a freshly formed Mosh Pit
• Much like prison, cigarettes work as a particular kind of currency that is valuable even if you don’t smoke
• Never order food that requires utensils in order to be eaten
• Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him. – Mark Twain
-BDS
{This is the 30th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. Last night, I wallowed in Dos Equis and Shiner Bock for football which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
• You can never fully trust built-in underwear lining.
• If your actions cause a female to call you a pussy, then there’s a 97.2% chance that she has made an accurate assessment.
• If you cry during the conversation, the percentage raises to 100%. 
• Everyone should be able to make themselves vomit because the occasion will present itself when this skill is required.
• Only buy a hot dog at a ballpark or sports stadium
• Never step into a deserted elevator alone when it smells like farts or cloying perfume or both.
• Taco Bell has only 4 total ingredients in each store which are turned into 78 different foods and all of them will give you gas.
• You should cease to perform any kind of elaborate hand-shakes by the time you turn 30 years old.
• Never eat a banana in public.
• Talk to small children, old people and pets like adults and they will be better off for it and you will sound like an adult yourself.
• Never order the special at a restaurant when they fail to mention the price
• “Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure” – Ambrose Bierce
{This is the 29th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. Last night, I wallowed in a refreshing tequila drink called a Mexican Summer Smash which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
• The odds of picking up a hot bartender are astronomically low, so tip normally when confronted with one. 
• Whenever anyone slides on a pair of rubber gloves in the same room as you, something awful is about to happen.
• Hot tubs are great places to start fooling around, but horrible places to finish 
• You can save money on paper towels, but never spare expense on toilet paper
• Absolutely nobody looks good in the mirror at an airport bathroom
• It’s best to always be two steps removed from your drug dealer.
• Swinging on a swing set never gets old even when you do.
• But never go to a park alone to do your swinging or you’ll be arrested.
• Your car will never make the same noise it makes for you when you take it to a mechanic or service dealer – ever.
• Always keep $500 in cash hidden somewhere inside your house. 
• “The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.” – Winston Churchill
-BDS
{This is the 28th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I wallowed in a mess of things, white wine with dinner followed by rounds of Dos Equis, Shiner Bock, Heinken, Tecate and Fat Tire, a poorly paced spectacle with a concert thrown in which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
• If you have to look behind you before saying it, don’t tell that joke
• Nobody looks good in a flat cap – not even Brad Pitt can pull it off
• Whenever a restaurant includes gratuity on parties of six or more it only ensures your level of service will suffer
• Compliment a woman’s shoes every single time, even if you’re staring at her breasts
• Dentists have the absolute worst magazine selection in all the waiting rooms in all the world
• If you aren’t sitting with kids, then don’t eat at a restaurant where they let you color on the tables
• Never buy an entire outfit that a store mannequin is wearing
• Call in sick to work on a Wednesday – never a Monday or a Friday – and you’ll have a wonderfully inventive day playing hooky
• Golfers are easily the worst-dressed athletes in sports
• You will always get stuck next to a morbidly obese person or a baby on every single flight, just accept it.
• “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading,” Home Simpson
