Blog Archive

HD UGLY TV . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, September 30, 2006 15 comments

Rosie O'Donnell was recently named the "worst looking" celeb in High-Definition TV, and although I don't know the exact criteria for this designation, this doesn't seem particularly shocking to me.

Phillip Swann of, a website that covers the HDTV industry, came out with his list of rankings that puts O'Donnell at the top followed by Howard Stern, Teri Hatcher, Britney Spears and Burt Reynolds (who I can attest to after watching him in HDTV on "My Name is Earl" this week).

HDTV is known for its crystal clear reception and, much to Hollywood's chagrin, its ability to pick up every line, wrinkle and crevice on a star's face.

Swann says "no one enjoys the view of Rosie in high-def" and adds that she "looks like she uses a Brillo pad" to wash her face. Ouch.

Of Stern, he said that the satellite radio star has undergone the "worst abuse of a surgical scalpel since Jack the Ripper roamed the streets of London." Brutal.

Hatcher topped last year's roundup, but this year she fell (or rose depending on your point of view) to number three. "She's so thin that she could pass as a mother of four... in Darfur." This seems offensive to Darfur.

Spears was attacked as "Mrs. Federline is just 24, but she looks 34 in HDTV," and Reynolds took some heat for a "face looks like it's been Scotch taped back in place."

Finally, Madonna was pulverized by Swann as having cheeks that are "more caved in than a West Virginia coal mine."

I have seen no picture of Swann, but I hope for his sake that he looks pretty damn good in any medium because he spared no expense in ripping these people for their flaws.

To be fair, Swann did note that some stars hold up remarkable well under the glare of HDTV as Scarlett Johansson, Beyoncé, Eva Longoria, Ben Affleck. No shit.

Some people would look good if you smeared them with peanut butter and threw them in a burlap sack - not that I've ever considered doing that to anyone.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, September 28, 2006 16 comments

"If you're looking for sympathy, you can check between shit and syphilis in the dictionary." - Paul Gleason, "Johnny Be Good"

I feel bad for Anna Nicole Smith after losing her son to a deadly mix of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro. Who I don't feel bad for, however, is her lawyer, Howard K. Stern, the self-proclaimed father of her new baby.

Although I wouldn't rule it out, Stern has competition from some other guy who also claims to be the father. If I were Anna, I would go with bachelor #2 because Stern seems like a complete and total dipshit.

Apart from the obvious reason, I'm not sure why I enjoy it so much when celebrities are photographed in see-through tops.

Posh Spice and the rest of them have to know that they will be photographed and their breasts will be on display. I suppose it's a small price to pay for a little extra press coverage, eh?

I dig these Mark Nason boots, but I'm worried that I can't buy and wear them without being in a band. Is this true?

I'm not sure what disturbs me more, that Clay Aiken came within a hair of having the #1 best-selling album this week or his hair itself, which looks like a dead otter is draped to his head.

Todd Phillips could never make another movie again, and rest of the laurels of "Old School," which despite being quoted while drinking far too often, remains a great comedy. "School For Scoundrels" opens today, and it looks like a rip-off of several different movies that are likely far superior such as "Rushmore."

I might be swayed, but for now, I'm highly skeptical that Scoundrels will be any good at all.

This is when running on the beach is not sexy:

Oh, Mischa Barton, you're lucky that you are no longer on "The O.C." which peaked during its first year where you were easily the worst actor on the show.

Per usual, I like to end with what I consider to be a good visual, and the colors here are enough for me.

Happy Friday.


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Sex Tape For Screech . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions 12 comments

The celebrity sex tape market is set to induct another member to its ranks, and they are going strictly D-list with this one.

D is for Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from "Saved By The Bell," and D is also for Dirty Sanchez which is a filthy sexual maneuver that DD supposedly performs on the tape.

David Hans Schmidt, who has become famous in the sex tape industry by peddling videos featuring Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell and others, claims ownership to the Screech tape.

Diamond shot the film at a hotel, and narrates the feature where engages two women in various combinations and positions. It allegedly starts with Diamond in a bathtub, and ends with Diamond introducing one of the women to a Dirty Sanchez.

For those people who have no idea about the filthiness of a "Dirty Sanchez" let me just say that you never want to be on the receiving end of one - especially from Screech. The term describes a deviant sexual act that involves doggy-style lovemaking, feces, and hand-drawn mustaches.

Schmidt is out shopping the tape with rumors circulating that it has been generating significant interest.

I suppose I have a morbid curiosity about the thing, but my main question remains: What the hell did Mr. Belding do to all those kids during school that turned them into such deviants when they became adults?


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Stay Out Of Volkswagens . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions 4 comments

I am sick and tired of the new round of Volkswagen commercials that keep invading my television viewing.

In the past, I've always liked VW cars fairly well as I've ridden in some Jettas and Passats and a bright yellow Bug on one occasion. But my opinion is starting to sour due to these ads which keep showing horrific and jarring crashes involving Volkswagen cars just when you least expect it.

The first time I saw one of these ads, it made me jump, and even with each new commercial and subsequent viewing of old ones, I still find myself tensing up just waiting for the collision to occur.

Just what the marketing genius behind this series was thinking is beyond me. I'm sure the idea was obviously to stress the safety of VW automobiles, but it has actually had the opposite effect on me.

Instead of considering these cars safe, I now believe them to be moving targets that nearly anyone else on the road plans to t-bone when you're driving around with your friends.

I would go so far as to say that I will volunteer to drive or simply pass on a ride from anyone who offers me a lift in one of these death machines in the near future.

Life is too short to tempt fate, and Volkswagen has only themselves to blame for putting this association in my brain.

VW = Terrible Crash is not the message that advertising dollars should be spent on, and although you could argue that it has raised brand awareness, it's still for all the wrong reasons.


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Burning Fiercely With Some Extra Help . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, September 27, 2006 14 comments

Rumor has it that in addition to canoodling (always felt like using that word) with Owen Wilson, the self-proclaimed "Butterscotch Stallion" (great nickname), Kate Hudson also has six toes.

That's right - apparently Hudson is sporting an extra digit on her foot, which might not affect her movement, but it sure as shit throws the whole story about the Little Piggies going to the market into utter disarray and complete anarchy.

I considered this news vaguely interesting, but no deal breaker because at least it's a small extra toe, however, I don't think I'd feel the same nonchalance about an additional big toe - that would just be nasty.

For years, Halle Berry has also been rumored to sport a little something extra on her foot.

The reason it took so long for this to come to light was that Berry is so damn good-looking that nobody every paid attention to her feet, unless you have an unabashed foot fetish or simply couldn't bear to look directly at her gorgeous face and killer body. But I digress.

These actresses and their extra appendages did start me thinking about other extras that I've encountered or might encounter in the future.

Ever since I saw "Total Recall," I've always felt that it would be worth the money to pay for a 3-breasted prostitute because I remember it being a powerful turn-on at the time.

While I haven't seen an extra mammaried hooker outside of that film, finding a third nipple isn't all that rare. I don't care as much for this scenario because they tend to be in semi-strange places, and their disclosure while becoming intimate can be surprising and distracting unless you have the focus of a Tiger Woods or a parking meter cop.

And don't even get me started on boasting three eyes because while some cultures might consider it a form of enlightenment, I just consider it to be something out of ancient mythology, "The Goonies" (not really a 3rd eye per se, but enough space and distribution to qualify in my book for good ol' Sloth) or someone who hails from their hometown near Chernobyl.

Finally, the expression "I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters" has been coined, manipulating and used extensively for years and would set the gold standard for an extra appendage.

It always sounded intriguing to me, however, I'm not sure that the reality of having two dicks would be as good in practice as it is in theory. In my mind, having a single dick has already gotten me in enough trouble for a lifetime, and throwing another one into the mix would only add fuel to the fire which burns brightly like the Bangles alluded to in that song "Eternal Flame."

I guess there really can be too much of a good thing - at least when it comes to an extra penis.


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Up On The Mountain Vol. 3 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, September 26, 2006 7 comments

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books and life its ownself.}

Personally, I don't much care for Ben Stiller's launching pad to the upper echelon of comedians - "Meet The Parents" - because despite some funny moments (Speedo scene, Owen Wilson) I found the movie too awkward and painful to truly enjoy.

That is not the case with "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" where Stiller kills as White Goodman, the spandex-clad, dirty mustached, narcissistic moron who owns a set of upscale gyms and refers to his rival Vince Vaughn's club as a "shit heap" and his clients as a "mongrel race."

Vaughn got top-billing, but Stiller steals the movie out from under him in virtually every scene by taking Goodman to a demented, delusional level that he maintains throughout the entire running time.

It's hard to pinpoint just how many great scenes and lines that Stiller delivers, but let's start with his wardrobe as he has no shame in wearing spandex or an all-white jumpsuit with his "shiny shoes" for a date with Christine Taylor, his real life spouse.

He tries courting Taylor by strolling around reading the dictionary because he likes to "break a mental sweat too," but just to make sure he's fully-prepared, Stiller also inflates a cod piece in his spandex shorts to give him the advantage in the battle of the bulge department.

This painting behind his desk is just as phenomenal as his clothing, and as Stiller notes in the film, a metaphor for him taking the bull by the horns, although that also "really happened" according to him.

The best comedy usually happens when an actor fully embraces the inherent silliness of the character that he is playing. Looking stupid should not be a limitation, and in fact, it is almost a requirement for a fully realized performance that will stick around long after the movie ends.

Stiller embraces this philosophy to the nth degree in "Dodgeball," never breaking character or softening his creation in the slightest and while I can't remember a single line from Vaughn in the film, anytime I think of White Goodman I always laugh.

And that is a very good thing for a comedy.


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Deal Breakers . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, September 25, 2006 21 comments

"Ain't it funny how liquor and the flicker of a candle
Makes you see if from a different view
I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman
But I sure woke up with a few," - Bobby Bare

Everyone has standards, although some are obviously higher or lower than others.

This is especially true about people who we might consider dating, fooling around with or marrying. These choices can be as complex and razor-tight demanding as completing a lucaractive business deal, and much like any potential agreement, there are deal breakers that can ruin the whole thing like a fart in a car.

Over the years, I developed a few of these moral absolutes that I tend to live by, but this list is constantly in flux because things can be added or subtracted (unlikely) at will.

And they don't even revolve around looks that often because appearance is an immediate visceral reaction, however, most of the deal-breakers occur after the initial attraction stage.

BDS's Absolute Deal-Breakers:

- Using the word like way too many times in like such a short sentence or something like that

- Hair in the ears

- Any woman with bigger arms than me

- Someone who wears sunglasses in a dark club who didn't just come from the eye doctor or else she better be so smoking hot that she needs the shades all the time to hide from her fans.

- Owning more than 6 pets of any given species inside one household (this doesn't apply to those living on farms)

- Good friends with Dick Cheney

- Lapses into a British accent at dinner parties for no apparent reason

- Can't adequately appreciate the talents of Mickey Rourke

- Cannot spend more than 90 minutes getting ready to go out unless it is an extremely formal occasion and even then the results better be worth the wait

- Has an imaginery friend who never left after elementrary school

- Summer teeth - some are straight, some are crooked, some are missing, etc.

This is only a partial list, but it seems to grow larger with each passing year. I'm not sure if my standards are more exacting or if I'm just becoming more of a misanthrope, however, I refuse to apply labels and will continue to say no thanks to anyone boasting these attributes.

We all have our standards, eh?


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Feeling Nasty On A Sunday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, September 24, 2006 12 comments

Maybe it's because Sunday is beating me down per usual. Or it might be due to the gray weather outside and the prospect of another work week settling into my brain.

Whatever the underlying rationale, however, the fact remains that these pictures of Jared Leto, Prince William and Kate Bosworth have done nothing to brighten my mood.

Leto seems intent on proving that he is morphing into a rock star. I'm not exactly why this entails dressing like a drunken gypsy hooker or the doughiest goth boy this side of Brandon Davis, but it certainly seems to be a pattern these days for him.

I generally don't give two shits about the British Royal Family unless something truly bizarre is afoot, which usually happens when Prince Harry decides to dress like a Nazi or something, but I do know enough to remember that Prince William was supposed to be the stud of the group.

Those days appear to be over as he looks about 20 years older than he really is (although I admit I couldn't tell you his true age if you paid me).

Finally, and I hate to keep harping on this subject, but Kate Bosworth looked so much better only a few short years ago.

I'm begging Kate to stop the madness immediately and go share a cupcake or three with Leto before it's too late.


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Plowing Cameron . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, September 23, 2006 13 comments

Cameron Diaz filed a police report this week accusing a photographer of assault with a deadly weapon after he got into a brouhaha with Diaz and Justin Timerblake over some pictures.

Diaz and Timberlake were leaving a friend's home in Hollywood just after midnight Wednesday when a photographer who had been hiding in the bushes jumped out and tried to snap a picture of the pair, said police Officer April Harding.

The couple chased the photographer "a short distance" until he allegedly got into his car and then drove towards Diaz and Timberlake, which caused Cameron to lunge out of harm's way.

While I don't condone mowing people (even celebrities) down in the street, and despite my feelings that Diaz was unfairly harrased on this one, there's just something about Cameron that irritates me enough to understand where the photographer was coming from.

It's hard to articulate just what Diaz has done to cause this feeling, but the fact remains that it's there and it's not budging.

Anna Farris came close to nailing it with her homage or send-up up of Diaz in "Lost in Translation," although Farris denies she based the fictional character on Cameron.

Or maybe I'm just angry that Cameron has never been as fresh and sexy as she was when she first came onto my radar opposite Jim Carrey in "The Mask."

I suppose some things must remain a mystery, and this is just another one to add to my list.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, September 22, 2006 16 comments

Quote of the Day:

"What you don't know about me, I could just about fit in the Grand fucking Canyon," - Silent Bob, "Chasing Amy"

It's Friday again, and I need a quiet weekend after ACL this past one to recover my senses and watch the UT football team stomp Iowa State into oblivion.

Before that happens, however, let's wrap up the week in style:

But first a public service announcement; if you see you these women during your travels this weekend please feed them. Money can buy all the giant sunglasses and designer handbags in the world, but it obviously cannot be used to purchase food.

Help them before it's too late.

I generally don't spend any of my time nor care very much about Clay Aiken and his preferred sexuality, but I would tell him that wishy-washy denials like this (as told to "People") will not put those gay rumors to bed.

"What do you say? It's like when I was eight, I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?'

"It didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was, 'Yes.' People are going to believe what they want."

Weak. Very weak.

Someone at the other end of the spectrum is Alec Baldwin, who is loud, frequently funny and occasionally a bit of a scary alpha male. He's got the body hair and attitude to prove this out, and in the latest issue of "GQ" he tears into his ex-wife's lawyer, Judy Bogen, who is battling Baldwin in a drawn-out custody battle.

He calls Bogen a "300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist. She's this hideously angry-looking woman. She'd snarl and hiss."

Kim Basinger retorts, "I am appalled by the statements made by Alec Baldwin in GQ. I am sickened by the fact that somebody can speak this way about another human being."

This Baldwin attack might be nasty, unprovoked and uncalled for, but damn if he isn't right. No wonder he's the top Baldwin brother (not that he's been given a run for his money in this regard since the mid-90s).

Kid Rock and Pam Anderson might not be the classiest couple walking this planet, but I bet they have one of the best sex lives because I can't see either one saying no to any deviant request that I can think of - and that is quite a few.

So let's end with that image since good sex is always a good idea, and with that in mind, happy Friday to all.


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Man Bites Panda . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, September 21, 2006 11 comments

That title should have merited some attention because while man bites dog has been around for awhile, man bites panda is an entirely different matter.

But this is not a misprint nor red herring plea to be read because on Tuesday a drunken Chinese migrant worker guzzled 4 jugs of beer and then jumped inside the panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo.

Once inside, this drunken buffoon tried to visit Gu Gu the panda who was peacefully sleeping before Zhang Xinyan startled the animal, who in turn bit Zhang on the right leg.

Then things really got ugly. Zhang was so enraged by the panda attack which he provoked that he decided to bite Gu Gu in the back to even the score.

“I bit the fellow in the back,” Zhang was quoted in a Chinese newspaper. “Its skin was quite thick.”

Witnesses said that a tussle soon ensued between the two combatants that ended with Gu Gu biting this pickled moron on his other leg. Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, and Zhang was hospitalized.

Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was “healthy.”

“We’re not considering punishing him now,” Ye said in a telephone interview. “He’s suffered quite a bit of shock.”

Gu Gu doesn't deserve any punishment for this incident, but I think that Zhang should be banned from ever visiting another zoo and possibly flogged in front of Gu Gu while the panda munches on leaves and shouts insults.

I've always thought that having a panda around the house would be an excellent addition as they seem to be very mellow creatures. It's too bad that they are so rare and expensive because I would have already had one long ago.

Obviously, I wouldn't startle the panda or try to bite in the back, and I have no sympathy for Zhang because if 4 beers caused him to do something this stupid then he deserves to be savagely bitten by Gu Gu and mocked by the general public.

I mean it's not everyday that some joker has a few beers and then gets his ass handed to him by a panda bear.


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Up On The Mountain Vol. 2 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, September 20, 2006 13 comments

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books and life its ownself.}

I was recently reminded about the greatness of "Bull Durham," and more specifically Kevin Costner's role as Crash Davis when a wise person quoted the film and said "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."

It's one of several astute observations on life that are peppered throughout the movie in which Costner gave what will probably be the performance of his career.

He was very good in "Fandango." He was excellent in "No Way Out." He was even better in "Tin Cup." We need not mention "Waterworld," "3,000 Miles to Graceland," and the awesomely deplorable "The Postman."

"Bull Durham" came along at that perfect nexus where a star is still on the rise, and then they manage to snag a juicy role in a movie that fits them perfectly - and Crash Davis was that role.

This was before the overwhelming hubris that nearly did Costner in, and his portrayal of a mostly washed-up minor league baseball player with too much self-awareness hit all the right notes in a movie that had more than a few.

Susan Sarandon definitely rivaled Costner as his love interest, and I remember thinking when I saw the movie for the first time around middle school, that their interaction was the first "adult relationship" I had seen onscreen.

It just felt right that Costner would tie Sarandon up and paint her toenails, or that he would casually stroll around in her blue Kimono while eating Wheaties before ultimately deciding that he would rather screw her on the wood table than finish his breakfast of champions.

Those kind of games seemed adult and sexy as hell.

Besides the relationship side of the movie, Costner also managed to nail the sports scenes which can be daunting for some actors who look about as athletic and believable as Clay Aiken at a strip club.

Tim Robbins is a good example because despite turning in some fine acting in "Bull Durham" his pitching delivery left a lot to be desired. Where Robbins failed, however, Costner excelled as I never doubted that he could play catcher and hit home runs for the Durham Bulls.

The film also gave Costner the ability to flex his emotional muscles as his character was alternately cocky, humbled, angry, joyous, stern, comedic, melancholy and authoritative.

Costner never made a false move while navigating through any of these emotions, and he also got to give a great speech to Sarandon about his beliefs which he listed as:

"Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Goodnight."

That's a hell of a way to say goodnight, but a great speech to deliver by an actor who hasn't hit a high-water mark like this one since he was leading the Bulls to victory and teaching Nuke about getting to the Show and the value of a good cliche.


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Turn Your Back And Urine Trouble . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, September 19, 2006 12 comments

I can't remember where I found this picture, but it really got me thinking about deep questions concerning life lessons, the illusion of safety and personal hygiene.

These weighty topics all stem from the central question regarding the eternal topic that has plagued modern man for decades: Is there ever a situation where it is acceptable to piss on a small child's head while his back is turned?

Although the answer seems to be an obvious and resounding "No," lately I'm not so sure this is the right path.

Maybe it is a great idea to urinate on small children because it's an early lesson that if you don't stay constantly vigilant that life will shit (or in this case piss) all over you.

Trust nobody - not even family. Sometimes, especially not family as you might be tempted to let your guard down due to blood relations and then they use that weakness to gut you like a striped bass.

It seems entirely possible that shattering a young adult's illusions about life being kind and gentle is a good one to learn while innocently dog-paddling in a swimming pool versus being pushed in front of a bus.

Hell, the kid is in water - the urine would just wash right off, and although he might object to the temperature of the stream, it could be easily rectified with a furious paddle to the deep end.

It might even make him a better swimmer too.

All in all, there actually seems to be very little downside to this choice apart from a few psychic scars, and the high potential for neighborhood scorn if someone were to witness such an incident.

But that's a small price to pay for an early lesson which will likely stick with that lucky child for a lifetime.

{Editor's Note: Obviously, I do not have children of my own}


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