Trading Up . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, September 22, 2005 10 comments

A few days ago, my brother and I were having pints at the Draught Horse Pub and discussing such weighty topics as the proliferation of weapons in North Korea, a revolutionary mass transit system for the public, the relative merits of pomade and eventually Brad Pitt.

By this juncture everyone in America has watched Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Anniston crumble, and his subsequent romantic entanglement with Angela Jolie to blossom.

The fact that Pitt would leave his wife for Angela Jolie was not surprising because all red-blooded American men and virtually all women would also drop their significant other like a greased pig for the opportunity at a single five minute tryst with Jolie in run-down Spanish bodega.

So while I wasn't surprised by Pitt's actions, I did find the public's relative lack of outrage a little strange.

My brother had no such reservations, however, and he calmly leaned back on his barstool and said "Of course he got away with it - he traded up."

I knew right away that my brother was right.

The truth was simple: When public figures cheat on their spouses with someone who is better-looking they can weather the storm, but when they get caught cheating with a dog-faced substitute they are mercilessly berated.

Hugh Grant learned this lesson several years ago when he cheated on Liz Hurley with a hooker who looked like she'd been beaten with an ugly stick and who was far from Divine.

Grant caught a load of grief not because he cheated and not simply because he got caught with a prostitute. Instead he found himself embroiled in such public shame because he cheated on an exquisite-looking woman with a third-rate hooker who was far from a looker and should have been paying Grant instead of the other way around.

More recently Jude Law experienced this phenomenon when he cheated on the lithe vixen Sienna Miller with his nanny; a woman who doubly shamed Law by keeping a detailed diary describing his prediliction for premature ejaculation.

Like Grant, Law found himself on the wrong end of public opinion after the story broke. And I had to agree because only a dangerous lunatic or a serial pervert would trade in Miller for a poke at an extremely average-looking nanny.

After recapping these shameful episodes, my brother and I both agreed that Pitt realized the error that some of his fellow thespians had made when he considered whether to cheat with Jolie.

He realized the impressive pedigree that goes with cheating up (see Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford, Jennifer Garner) and also that the public will accept a bit of philandering as long as it's not with someone less attractive.

Big-time celebrities would do well to remember this rule because when executed properly it can not only give your career a boost, but it can also get you laid by Angela Jolie.

And it doesn't have to be in some filthy Spanish bodega unless that's the way you like it.


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Get 'Lost' Joe, Chris & Freddie . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, September 08, 2005 0 comments

Now that Labor Day is over and the dog days of summer are gone, I suppose it's time to turn on my television once again.

After a summer-long hiatus, I'm ready to jump back into the mix even if that means a substantial time drain as well as a recurring case of Tivo anxiety for which I have found no cure.

It's always difficult selecting which TV shows to watch during a given season as there's only so much time one can dedicate to the leisurely pursuit of couch-sitting. Time is far too precious a commodity waste on mind-numbing crap like "According to Jim," "Joey" and "Fear Factor."

I used to watch a few minutes of "Fear Factor" due to my fascination with the nubile, big-breasted halter-top wearing women on the show - but then Joe Rogan ruined my fun.

Rogan looks and acts like some sort of mutant chimpanzee who's been jacked up on too much speed and false bravado. He's also about as funny as a steel-toed boot to the crotch.

It is this combination that makes even a brief glance at "Fear Factor" virtually impossible.

Luckily, there are some intriguing shows that will take up the slack as I plan to watch "Lost," "Arrested Development," "My Name is Earl," "Kitchen Confidential," "Nip/Tuck," "American Dad," "The Simpsons," "The Shield," and depending upon whom I'm talking to "The O.C."

On the other hand, two shows that I definitely won't be watching involve Chris O' Donnell and Freddie Prinze Jr.

O ' Donnell plays some sort of lawyer in yet another show focused on the quirky legal profession while Prinze Jr. will undoubtably be doing something wholly uninteresting in a show that bears his name as the title.

I find these actors about as dynamic as wallpaper or vanilla yogurt, and I can't imagine that their shows will find an audience.

The only show I might watch with these actors would be a combined contest to see which thespian could be more innocuous or bland. Then again I might just watch paint dry in my apartment depsite my morbid fascination with the eventual winner.

I can make room in my schedule to watch grisly plastic surgery, survivors on a mysterious island or the promiscuous activities of the residents of Orange County but I will never have enough time for Joe, Chris or Freddie (although I would clear my calendar for Sarah Michelle Gellar if she ever needed a shoulder to cry on).


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