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Good Help Is Hard To Find When You Beat Them . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, March 30, 2006 4 comments


Forget disposing of hazardous waste or trying to squeeze Star Jones into a thong, perhaps the most dangerous job on the planet is being a housekeeper for supermodel Naomi Campbell.

On Thursday Campbell was arrested for assault after allegedly beating her 41-year-old cleaning woman.

At 8:30 a.m., according to police, the woman was struck in the back of the head "by an object" at Campbell's residence.

This is not the first time that Campbell has gotten violent with her help as she had twice been accused of striking them with telephones to stress her displeasure over their job performance.

When asked if the offending "object" was a telephone, White ( a NY police spokesman) said he didn't know. An Associated Press report cited police as saying a telephone had been used in the alleged attack.



Regardless of Campbell's weapon of choice the message is clear; if her toilets don't sparkle you're going to get one upside the head AND it will cause enough trauma to send you to the hospital.

Forget Mason "The Line" Dixon, for my money Rocky's opponent in his new film should be replaced by Campbell - and my money's on her.

-BDS

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Spears Humped By Bear . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, March 29, 2006 0 comments

Britney Spears just can't win sometimes.

Once again the pop tart has been thrust into controversy, and for once it has nothing to do with her marriage to that no-talent jerk-off K-Fed.

Although she's not pregnant with Kevin's demon sperm for a second time, Spears is set to give birth in statue form for a pro-life exhibit in Brooklyn.



"This is a new take on pro-life. Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," Daniel Edwards said of his work.

The life-size pop princess is naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bare-toothed bear rug as the baby's head appears on the opposite end.

This image of Spears has made almost nobody happy as the gallery, which is set to display the statue in April, has been deluged with angry calls and emails.

"We also got calls from Tokyo, England, France. Some people are upset that Britney is being used for this subject matter," said gallery co-owner David Kesting. "Others who are pro-life thought this was degrading to their movement. And some pro-choice people were upset that this is a pro-life monument."

It seems like much ado about nothing as far as I'm concerned. If I happened to be in Brooklyn next month, I might give it a quick look if there was no admission fee.

I couldn't bring myself to pay good money to see Britney lay on top of a stuffed bear, however, if there was a statue of a large bear stuffing Spears then sign me up.

-BDS

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100 Yards Ain't Shit For The Hoff . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, March 27, 2006 2 comments

Late last week, a Los Angeles judge issued a decree that David Hasselhoff must stay at least 100 yards away from Pamela Bach - his soon-to-be ex-wife.

The divorce seems to have taken a nasty turn as Bach also cast allegations that didn't paint former lifeguard Mitch Buchanan in a very flattering light.



"[In December, he] grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car. In the past, he has also broken my nose and called me 'whore,' 'cunt,' 'bitch,' 'slut' and 'drug addict' in front of our children," said Bach.

I wouldn't have guessed that living with Hasselhoff would be a picnic, but who knew it would include fistacuffs and vulgar language.

Apparently the judge believes Bach because he granted her the restraining order.

My only problem with the whole process, however, is that the punishment should have been much longer.

Anyone who's ever watched the opening "Baywatch" montage knows that 100 yards means nothing to The Hoff AND that was when he was running in sand.

The man is like greased lightening on asphalt.

-BDS

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Stone This Family . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, March 25, 2006 0 comments

When you're traveling overseas you tend to do do things that would never happen in the States - like watch really odious movies such as "The Family Stone."



In our defense, this viewing did occur on an airplane, but I still felt ashamed as the end credits rolled because I knew I had just wasted 2 hours of my life on a group of fuck-knuckles who didn't deserve 5 minutes of my precious time.

The first half of the film was merely awkward and unfunny as Sarah Jessica Parker tried to make herself as dull and unlikable as humanly possible.

She was succesful in her attempts, but luckily for her Diane Keeton was running annoyingly amok and Rachel McAdams also showed up to skulk around in a foul mood, which left Dermot Mulroney to hold up the film.

And as anyone with half a brain knows, this is simply not possible as Mulroney is about as interesting as dirt.

Luke Wilson was the only shining light in this otherwise dreadful mess, although Claire Danes was also minimally helpful.

But neither actor could save this putrid film from turning into a maudlin mess in the second half before it mercifully ended with an implausible feel-good Christmas montage.

"The Family Stone" is exactly the type of "comedy" that makes me wonder if we can ever sell a script because if studio execs think this is the height of hilarity then we're in deep, deep trouble.

-BDS

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Celebrating 100 On The Pig's Back . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, March 21, 2006 1 comments



If someone tells you that they're "on the pig's back" in Ireland then life is grand and things could not be better.

The word "back" in the saying, however, is short for backside or butt or ass, and it never really made sense to my brother or me why anyone would equate being on top of the world with fucking a pig.



But then again, we've never really tried it and I hate to disparage swine considering they're also responsible for bacon and pork chops as well as a horrifying cinematic exchange in "Deliverance," when a pale and portly Ned Beatty is forced to "squeal like a pig" by a group of dentally-challenged mountain men.

Life in Ireland wasn't all pig-fucking as we had an excellent time pub crawling, walking around Dublin, watching hurling matches, eating vegetable soup, and getting hot towel shaves complete with a fine glass of Irish whiskey to enjoy.

The spectacular pints of Guinness also made up for the fact that the food was horrible.

Irish chefs seem to feel that the only natural way to eat is to add copious amounts of salt, butter, mayo and more salt to everything they get their hands on.

A typical breafast for us would consist of sausage, salt-cured ham, fried eggs, and black and white pudding (which is not really pudding but strange parts of meat held together by blood).

But neither the questionable food nor the frigid temperatures kept us down as there was a fine wedding to attend and pints to be consumed and slang to be deciphered.

We found ourselves starting to use terms like "grand" or "cheers" and ending conversations with "thanks a million" by the time we boarded our plane back to Austin.

Now, it's back to work while trying to ride out jet-lag that makes me want to crawl up in a fetal position under my desk and hide.

On the positive side, this post marks our 100th blog and a little celebration might be in order considering nearly 90% of blogs last less than 3 months. With a little luck and some dedication from my brother, we should also have pictures to add some spice to the site within a few weeks.

All this activity makes me extremely happy, and I suppose you could say that I'm on the pig's back where 2 Dollar Productions is concerned.

But then again, "According to Jim" is well past 100 episodes and that show is absolute horseshit.

-BDS

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Guinness Is Good For You . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, March 14, 2006 0 comments

In a few short hours, my brother and I depart for Ireland to spend St. Patty's Day among the true Irish and also plan to watch my best friend get married at an ancient structure near Cork.

It should be a good trip with free-flowing Guinness and old friends and green fields and rain and pub crawls and train rides through the country and a wedding to serve as the catalyst for the whole experience.

We also plan to get some work done on our two comedy scripts because the deadline for the International Screenwriting Awards is fast approaching and we narrowly missed the semi-finals last year.

Two lousy points cost "Last Train to Amsterdam" a place among the internationally elite.

This year, however, we've revised the train and also have "Monkey Business" to enter in hopes of advancing far enough in the contest season to lure an agent to our work.

That's the plan for now, but we'll see how much work we can acomplish on our vacation.

To prepare for Ireland, we spent this past weekend stuffing ourselves full of Tex-Mex and barbecue at various joints around Austin, which as Dan Jenkins once noted could rival Geneva, Buenos Aires, and Paris as the best eating city in the world.

This was necessary because the Emerald Isle has a lot going for it, but food is not at the top of the list.



On the other hand, the Irish regard Guinness as a food group unto itself and they make and pour it better than anyone. Doctors still prescribe it to cure certain ailments and with any luck at all it will help with writer's block and laziness.

Happy St. Patty's Day,

-BDS

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Money Whipped By Disney . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, March 11, 2006 0 comments

This past week I was unable to escape previews for the Disney remake "The Shaggy Dog," but only yesterday did I realize that Robert Downey Jr. was in the film.

I nearly fell off my couch when I saw him slumming it up in a film that looked awful and boasted a cast that included Tim Allen, Kristen Davis and Danny Glover.

It's no surprise that Allen would partake in this kind of a project as schlock is his middle name. The only decent movie I've ever seen him in was "Big Trouble," which was nothing to write home about.

Kristen Davis could turn up anywhere now that "Sex and the City" is finished, and Glover is also prone to taking the cash and running; witness "Gone Fishin" "Operation Dumbo Drop" and "Saw".

Or better yet, don't waste your time.

It's just sad to see someone like Downey, however, who has considerable talent follow-up a great turn in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" with this shaggy project.

I guess everyone's got to pay the bills, eh?

-BDS

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The Donald Trumps Papa Joe . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, March 08, 2006 2 comments

Just when you thought Papa Joe Simpson had the market cornered on swarmy, disgusting comments about his offspring, Donald Trump appeared on "The View" this week and gave his thoughts about the physical charms of his onetime-model daughter Ivanka.

When asked how he would react if Ivanka, a former teen model, posed for Playboy, Trump replied, "It would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what's inside the magazine."

I think we all know exactly what's inside an issue of Playboy magazine Donald.

He added: "I don't think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."

It was obvious that the Donald was joking, but any kind of humor that centers around sexual relations with your daughter is just misguided.

Joe Simpson talking about Jessica's "double dds" was filthy. And now Trump has upped the ante by openly talking about dating his daughter.

I would warn them both that it's a slippery slope once it crosses your mind that you have a daughter who's hot.

One minute you're just a lecherous bastard, and the next you're Woody Allen.

-BDS

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'Crash' Landing . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, March 06, 2006 0 comments

Last night at the Oscars, the racial drama "Crash" landed with a thud, and played the role of spoiler when it rode off with the best picture award.

There had been rumblings all week that this might happen, however, I was hoping the rumors were created by Lions Gate studio and simply constituted wishful thinking on their part.

But then it turned out to be true.

"Crash" was a good movie with an excellent ensemble cast, but it was not the best picture of the year.

Just because it dealt with race doesn't mean that it should get a free critical pass. It tackled the subject fairly well, but it was still obvious in several places and heavy-handed in others.

The main message was the race plays a huge part in our daily interactions, and that our own prejudices influence our reactions to people, places and situations.

This volatile mix can often lead to horrible and unforseen consequences.

No shit.

I didn't feel that the film tackled racism from a radically different angle; it merely showed once again that prejudice is bad.

"Crash" lacked several things that I liked about "Brokeback Mountain," which was lean and sparse and let the audience draw its own conclusions. "Capote" was also a superior film as it reveled in its ambiguity towards characters.

On the whole, the Oscars were solid and predictable, but Hollywood just couldn't help itself when it came time to hand out the biggest award of the night, and it turned out that a good film leapfrogged some great ones.

I stand by my initial reaction to "Crash," which I blogged about last May. It read:

I saw "Crash" this past weekend, and it was almost exactly as I anticipated from the previews - well-meaning but ultimately a little heavy-handed.

The issue of race is the beginning and end of every action, conversation and thought in "Crash." The movie is set in Los Angeles, but the message is that it could be anywhere, USA and that we all bring our own experiences and prejudices into our daily interactions with other people.

That message is just fine as any movie that makes people examine their own actions in the context of race relations seems more important than any Vin Diesel movie that comes to mind.

The ensemble cast also does a fine job with the material as Don Cheadle and Matt Dillon are particularly good.

My main problem with the movie is that every single problem or issue boils down to race.

Maybe the filmmakers just wanted to drive home their point, but a little more subtlety would have been appreciated.

I'm not going to argue that there's a fair amount of underlying racial hostility, but "Crash" is the kind of movie where a character would be walking down the street and another person could knee them in the crotch, thus making them very angry.

The person who got kneed in the crotch would be justifiably furious, but he wouldn't be mad because he got a sharp, painful object jabbed in his privates but rather because the person who did it was African-American or Hispanic or Muslim or some other nationality that the victim hates.

If a person walked by and kicked me in the crotch, however, I wouldn't care about my assailant's race, religious credo or political idealogy - Whomever it is that just kicked me is going down.

Some things are not about race; sometimes it's simply about the family jewels.


-BDS

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It's Not Sabatoge, It Just Sucks . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, March 02, 2006 0 comments

The celebrity sex tape club recently added two members to its ranks as a leaked tape showing Kid Rock, Scott Stapp and a bevy of strippers is making the rounds and about to be distributed by the World Wide Red Light District for public consumption.

A 40-second preview clip of the tape is currently available on their website for anyone who's interested.

Personally, I have little desire to view the tape, although I would watch it for 3 days straight if you threatened me with attending a Creed concert as an alternative.

I saw part of the Paris Hilton video (which looked like a really horny version of Baghdad nights as there seemed to be no light anywhere) all of the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee one (giant cock, stupid man) but you would have to glue my eyeballs open if anyone came near me with the Fred Durst video.

So at least Stapp and the Kid aren't straddling the very bottom rung of the celebrity ladder; for that one will ALWAYS be reserved for the supremely untalented jerkoff that is Fred Durst.

But not everyone is happy at the impending video release as Stapp himself is crying foul.

Not only does he see the sex tape as an unlawful invasion of his privacy, but he also believes there are far more sinister forces at work.

"Obviously, someone wants to hurt me and doesn't want me to be successful in my solo career," said Stapp, former lead singer of Creed.

That's one theory that could explain Stapp's lack of solo success.

My personal one, however, is that his utter failure will be less a product of the sex tape and more attributable to the fact that he really, really, really sucks.

-BDS

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