Blog Archive

GQ Takes On 2 Dollar Productions . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, June 29, 2006 13 comments

I was reading the new "GQ" magazine today when I turned the page and discovered that those bastards on the writing staff had ripped me off.

A single article extolling the rise of the Dirty Sanchez into mainstream America was laughing at me from the glossy pages as I sat in stunned disbelief.

This idea was not news to me.

In fact, I had written about this very topic on this very blog nearly one year ago (8/30/05) and now "GQ" was running way behind the curve and taking away table scraps to put in their magazine. So, I felt the need to re-publish my ORIGINAL article to set the record straight:

"I saw "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" last week, and the movie was a pleasant surprise as it was consistently funny and fairly raunchy.

Much like "The Wedding Crashers," Steve Carrell and company reveled in their R rating and didn't pull punches when it came to describing sexual acts or situations.

But it was also one of these descriptions, however, that disturbed me after leaving the theater.

About half-way through the movie, a character of Middle Easter origin discusses a variety of sexual activities with Steve Carrell. The exchange begins with some common sexual banter, but then takes a turn for the gutter.

Somewhere in the middle of this sequence, the term "Dirty Sanchez" was thrown out. I found myself laughing because the idea of a "Dirty Sanchez" is always good for a chuckle or two due to its extremely revolting visual nature.

After I finished laughing, however, I looked around and noticed that a large majority of the theater was also in stitches.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but afterwards it started to disturb me that not only did a large percentage of the general public seem to understand what a "Dirty Sanchez" entailed, but that they also appeared to condone its usuage by their gales of hearty laughter.

For those people who have no idea about the filthiness of a "Dirty Sanchez" let me just say that you never want to be on the receiving end of one. The term describes a deviant sexual act that involves doggy-style lovemaking, feces, and hand-drawn mustaches.

The "Dirty Sanchez" originated as part of an email laundry list of strange sexual pleasures, but since its humble beginnings the act has now leapt into the mainstream.

Howard Stern talks frequently about it, a team in last years movie "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" adopted it for its tournament name, and most recently a full description could be found in the new release "The Aristocrats."

So what does this all mean?

And what will this onslaught of "Dirty Sanchez" talk add up to in the near future?

Personally, I think it is only a matter of time before a "Dirty Sanchez" is actually performed in a theatrical release. Or at the very least the conclusion of one will soon be out there for public consumption.

You can only talk about something for so long before the urge to actually perform the act becomes too overwhelming to resist.

Call me a prude, but I can do without watching actresses running around with brown mustaches unless that actress happens to be Paris Hilton - in which case I hope she boasts a huge brown handlebar on her upper lip that would put any long-haul trucker to shame."

I still feel like I was dead-on with this topic and obviously "GQ" feels the same way or they wouldn't have published an eerily similar story.

If I ever do make it to NYC for modeling I already have a plan to swing by the "GQ" offices with my printed blog to demand justice and demand that they print an acknowledgement in their next issue in big bold letters.

And then when the administrative assistant has heard enough, I'm sure security will kindly escort me out of the building.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 4 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, June 28, 2006 18 comments

It's another week and another round of bad pics, although this time is a bit different as Lara Flynn Boyle is competing with herself in a contest that has no winners.

I think the real decision comes down to preference for an emaciated, brittle-looking Lara who I would be very worried that I might break if I laid on top of her or the newer, fuller Lara.

The new Lara has some curves (a plus in my book) but she also has what I consider one of the worst traits around - the skinny person gut.

This phenomenon occurs when a skinny guy or girl is supposed to be thin, but they are also very soft and have no muscle tone and so their stomach protrudes in a round fleshy lump.

I generally find this physical trait to be particularly unattractive, and that means that I'm going to take the old Lara because her sheer tiny size would make her fun to play with if she didn't crumble into little pieces during the process.

{Editor's note: I realize she's likely anorexic in the first pic and 2 Dollar Productions does not endorse or encourage this look outside of abstract gamesmanship}


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Would You Rather . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 26, 2006 18 comments

It was somewhere after my brother and I finished our second pitcher of Paulner Hefe Weizen that we got onto the topic of sex.

More specifically, we started to play the Would You Rather celebrity sex game where one of us would call out a name and within 10 seconds you had to say whether or not your would sleep with them or take the alternative measure.

10 seconds is not a long time and it's interesting and often shocking just who you will agree to share a night of unbridled passion with once you've consumed some alcohol.

This game was not intended for the Charlize Therons or the Halle Berrys of the world.

That would be too easy and the contest would be over before it ever really began.

It's a game of creativity and one-upmanship (sp?) and danger and the only given is that you will surprise yourself at some point in the process.

It's also juvenile and vaguely mean-spirited, but then again so is Pictionary and besides we already solved the Israel-Palenstian crisis earlier in the night.

So, here's a partial list from that night of situations that required a gut reaction yes or no answer.

1) Dolly Parton or pay $1,000?

No question as I think Dolly looks great for however old she is and so I picked her.

2) Pink or a horrible poison ivy rash?

I'd rather have a pink rash all over me than for me to be all over Pink as I took the poison ivy.

3) Brigette Nielsen or cleaning the public bathroom at a bus station?

I took Nielsen as I compare it to scaling Mt. Everest as she's a gigantic woman in every way possible and I hate cleaning my own bathroom, so . . .

4) Chyna or running a marathon?

I'd run to China before I'd sleep with Chyna.

5) Pre-cosmetic surgery Ashlee Simpson or 5 licks with a meat whip?

I'd take the whip, and I'm not a masochist. I just fear that Joe Simpson might be the devil and he seems to be a package deal with either of his daughters.

Scoff at these answers, but I would be very interested to hear any other new situations and the more controversial the better as this is intended to be a one night stand with dim lights and animal passions.

The game might not hold the social relevance of "Candyland" or "Uno," but it beats the hell out of talking about office politics.


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Did I Hear That Right . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, June 24, 2006 13 comments

It's easy to say stupid, odd or inept things, but when public figures do it the results are magnified and scrutinized by a mass audience.

This is common knowledge yet it's always funny what celebrities will say when someone is recording their words and Ryan Seacrest recently had me laughing with this gem.

"Dude, I'm totally into girls...but you're at the top of my hump island when it comes to guys!" Ryan Seacrest in an interview with Vince Vaughn.

A word of advice: Saying things like this and holding horribly awkward public kisses with Teri Hatcher will do nothing to dispel those rumors about your sexuality Ryan.

I don't care which way you play the game, however, you really ought to know that statements like this only add fuel to the fire and make it difficult to book Vaughn for future appearances on your show.


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The Edge . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, June 22, 2006 7 comments

There are periods of time for everyone where you find yourself on the Edge.

It might be while riding a motorcycle or flirting with the wrong person or pushing your body to the limits through physical exertion or emotional pain.

But the common denominator is that feeling of surging forward on a high-wire line that could snap violently at any given moment.

It's a natural high and it can be more addicting than crack, "Beverly Hills 90210" and Marble Slab Creamery combined.

Finding that Edge and sometimes pushing past it carries its own mixed bag of risks and much like cheap cocaine, the ride going up might be wonderful, however, the descent can be equally as brutal.

I was reminded of this problem by my wife this week as I have been letting things slide while chasing that feeling on the Edge at work, modeling, blogs, lofts and script writing.

I suppose there's no harm in looking for the Edge, but when it comes time to pull back from that abyss, you have to know how to make the retreat back to a normal pace.

And whether that entails kicking down from 6th to 4th gear or saying goodbye to the gang at West Beverly High School, sometimes you have to simply walk away.

Or wait for the DVD to arrive.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 3 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, June 21, 2006 20 comments

This one is the toughest decision so far in this series of increasingly bad images.

But I'm gonna have to declare Pink the winner because she has no business posing for any pictures in this outfit.

The juxtaposition between her manly features and this sheer top is horrifyingly painful and not sexy at all.

Meanwhile, the couple in the second picture may be physically mismatched, but maybe they are on such a passiionate emotional plane that the laws of gravity hold no relevance for them.

The weight differential might limit them in the bedroom, but damn it they appear to be in love whereas Pink is alone and looking defiant and brutally ugly.

So the end result for Round 3 goes to the recording artist, although it seems extremely ironic for any shot of Pink to be reproduced in Black and White.


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No Question At All . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 19, 2006 13 comments

I'm not planning on publishing the Playboy advisor column verbatim every month, but the latest issue had me howling with laughter with the circle jerk and now this:

I have been dating the same woman for 10 years. We live in different states, but see each other as often as we can. The other night I called her at 12:15 am, but she didn't answer. The next morning she told me she had gone to a neighbor's pool party and gotten home at midnight. I investigated and heard from one of her female neighbors that my girlfriend had sex with the host and his brother next to the pool. In fact, the neighbor had filmed the whole thing and sent me the tape. When I confronted my girlfriend she played dumb . . . Should I believe her?

I'm not sure what kind of relationship this was to begin with, but the answer is no.

Hell no.

I would believe the video I watched in my DVD player, which showed my girlfriend getting tag-teamed by two brothers as I tend to believe my own two eyes versus hazy recollections from several states away.

My question is why was this a question in the first place as the answer was obvious, and my next question is why do I not get invited to these kind of parties?


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No Circle Jerks For Me . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, June 17, 2006 13 comments

I've had a subscription to Playboy magazine and have been reading it for the past several years.

There's no shame in that, and it might be a cliche but I actually spend about 90% of my time reading the articles.


I'm not going to lie and say that I don't also look at the pictures, however, it's the articles and monthly interview that are usually more entertaining (the pics are too air-brushed and tame for my tastes).

The advisor column is also a good source for hilarity, and this month I burst out laughing as I read this:

"My friends and i sometimes share porn clips by e-mail and joke about masturbation . . . But once in a while we together to drink, and the host will put a porno in the DVD player. That's when the awkwardness begins, because as the film goes on everyone gets horny and is dying to jerk off. The last time it happened I tried to end the silent tension by suggesting a circle jerk. Everyone called me a pervert. What do you recommend in this situation."

Answer: Calling it a night.

I couldn't agree more, but this situation should have never arisen (pun intended) in the first place.

There are very few circumstances that call for a group of grown men to watch porno together - it's one of those activities that is best done alone or with one or several other women.

Nothing good can come of it, and this guy's suggestion of a circle jerk just turned an awkward situation from bad to worse.

I have no sympathy for their plight, however, as this kind of activity stopped being fun somewhere around middle school and as my grandmother always said "if you play with matches you're going to get burned."

Or asked to participate in a circle jerk as the case may be.


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How The Mighty Have Fallen . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, June 15, 2006 10 comments

Britney Spears went on the "Today" show Thursday and wept and confessed to being "an emotional wreck" due to her latest pregnancy as well as being under a media microscope.

But she defended Kevin Federline while refuting rumors that he had been banished to the basement of their mansion.
"He helps me," Spears said.

Probably not too willingly as the most active part of K-Fed seems to be his demon sperm, which does seem to have an alarmingly high potency.

I didn't see the actual interview, but I did catch of glimpse of Spears and she looked horrible.

It's a shame how far she's fallen since her days of being one of the sexiest performers around (and I know she's pregnant, but this has been going on for awhile).

I can still remember her performance at the MTV Music Awards several years ago where she butchered the Rolling Stones classic "Satisfaction" but nobody cared because she looked so damn good while doing it.

But those days are long gone, and Spears is sliding downhill at a high rate of speed that makes me wonder if she'll ever get back to where she was in the past.

She was never a very good singer, so her looks and performing ability had better recover after her next baby or it will be hard to support K-Fed and his lack of a career with your rapidly diminishing prospects.


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Pieces Of Meat . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, June 13, 2006 22 comments

After a few shirtless poses inside a downtown Dallas hotel room this past weekend, I am now one step closer to New York City - If I want it bad enough.

The meeting took place on the 5th floor of Hyatt Reunion Hotel, and I was examined like a piece of meat (although I've never felt this was a bad thing as I happen to treat my own meat very well).

This was no mere metaphor as the agent used some of the same terms to describe me as he did his ribeye steak at our dinner following the meeting.

Back - "Looks great. Perfect."

Originally uploaded by twodollarproductions.

Legs - "Fine. Nobody pays for those anyway."

Chest - "Looks good. But needs to be a little bigger and heartier."

Originally uploaded by twodollarproductions.

Arms - "Same as chest. Bring out the veins and tendons more. A bit tender."

Abs - "Tight, but need to bring out the obliques."

The verdict was that I was close to earning an all expenses paid trip to New York, but I needed to finish "hardening out" first.

He explained that I had to "perfect" when I hit New York because my week will be spent going to casting calls, taking acting lessons, going to the offices of "Men's Health" and "Men's Fitness" and meeting all sorts of key players in the industry.

Commercials is where the real money lies, and luckily he said I had a very "commercial" look and so that made me happy as you get paid every time an ad airs anywhere in the world.

Easy money, eh?

Well there's no such thing as truly easy money because to get as hard as he wants, I will have to lead the life of a monk for awhile (if said monk were to lift weights everyday & still swear & view the occasional risque video).

The agent is supposed to get in touch my nutritionist this week, and then I should have a concrete plan by Friday of just how hellish this transformation will be.

At that point, I will decide if the reward is worth the work as it will undoubtably strain my relationship with my signficant other, cause my social life to suffer and place strict demands on my schedule.

But there's also the money to consider as the agent told me that he's got a guy who has booked $25K a month for the past 3 months and he said I've got a "prettier face - no offense."

"None taken," I replied. "I'd rather be called a pretty boy than an ugly bastard any day of the week."

Originally uploaded by twodollarproductions.

So, big decisions will need to be made after this week, but for now, I plan to fill myself up with barbeque and Tex-Mex and drink some Negro Modelos.

And I'm really gonna miss those things if I have to give them up.


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Dare To Be Stupid . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 12, 2006 13 comments

A court has ruled that R. Kelly's sex tape can be viewed by the public, which most likely means that it will also be splashed across the Internet faster than you can say "what a moron."

Judge Vincent Gaughan said there was no "overarching interest" in banning the videotape - which shows the singer allegedly having sex with an underage girl - from being shown to the media and public in his child pornography court case.

Kelly has pleaded not guilty to 14 counts of child pornography stemming from his alleged encounter with a 13-year-old girl.

Rumors have abounded that Kelly tape includes sex and urination, which led to a pretty funny skit on the now-cancelled "Dave Chappelle Show."

Ignoring the legal and moral issues at stake here (of which there are quite a few and they are just wrong), my main question is this: If you're going to have sex with an underage girl, then why in the world would you tape it?

Everyone knows that sex tapes ALWAYS are discovered and dispersed and anyone stupid enough to record themselves committing illegal activities deserves whatever punishment comes to them.

At least that's my opinion.


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Bob Saget Is A Dirty Man . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, June 10, 2006 13 comments

"I got a cock like a donkey, hard as a rock," Bob Saget, "Rolling With Saget."

If anyone was led to believe Bob Saget was the blandest man alive after his back-to-back hit TV shows, "Full House" and "America's Funniest Home Videos," they could easily be excused.

Those programs were the definition of mediocrity and Saget was the wholesome, lily-white anchor who held held John Stamos' mullet in check and later allowed a mass audience to laugh as parents were hit repeatedly in the crotch by little children as the home video cameras rolled.

But lately, Saget has revealed himself to be foul-mouthed and dirty.

The first sign came when popped up several years ago in "Half-Baked" and proclaimed "I used to suck dick for coke."

That was fairly dirty, but then he went on an even longer and filthier rant in last year's "The Aristocrats."

And now he's really coming full circle in his upcoming rap collaboration with Jamie Kennedy titled "Rolling with Saget," which features lyrics referring to Saget's sizable manhood.

This whole Saget saga actually gives him an edge that I respect more than in his "Full House" glory days, but at the same time, any world that lets Bob Saget get rich from crap television shows AND have a huge dick is one where I don't wish to reside.

I guess life really is unfair.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 2 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, June 08, 2006 14 comments

After last week's mini-debate on the merits of two dueling pics, I came across a new pair to face-off while recently cruising the Internet.

This one is no contest for me since I generally loathe Papa Joe Simpson.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard who's building is burning AND who will think twice about sleeping naked again.

Not only will he lose his possesions, but he'll also lose some dignity as a crowd of gawkers will watch him descend the stairs without pants. It's like that "Seinfeld" episode where they discuss "good" and "bad" naked - and this shot easily falls in the latter category.

As for Simpson, the guy is a sleazy pimp who has made far too many remarks about his daughter's chest and her looks for my taste.

The picture was from the recent MTV movie awards, and that outfit is just pathetic as it screams "I'm trying to be good and hip and with it despite my advanced age."

His ensemble might be appropriate for a teenager watching MTV, but on Papa Joe, it just solidifies his soiled sensabilities in my mind and wins him the award for the worst picture in this duel.


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What Kind Of Life Is This . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, June 06, 2006 20 comments

It's been nearly 5 weeks since I began my horrific diet, but the end is finally in sight.

This Friday I am due at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dallas to show a NYC modeling agent exactly what changes I've made to my body since our last meeting in the early spring.

He wanted an additional 10 lbs. of muscle (which is impossible in less than 4 months without steroids), and I've only got 5-6 lbs. to give him as my low-fat, no-taste diet has stripped away part of my weight gain along with the fat.

If I had any energy I would jump for joy at the prospect of this ordeal being finished, but I'm also starting to realize that the results aren't worth the process that got me to this point.

My life has essentially been put on hold for the past month as I've turned down party invitations (can't drink alcohol or eat the party snacks), avoided eating out (why pay money for plain chicken breasts with brown rice), plotted my days around my food intake (a meal every 3 hours) and to top things off my sex drive could accurately be compared to a 3-toed sloth on tranquilizers.

Is this any way to live?

I tend to doubt it, but it's too late to change at this point in the cycle, so I'll end this now because I've got some tuna and rice to choke down.

It's a sad commentary on life when you stop dreaming about sex and start dreaming about food.


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Thoughts On The Break-Up . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, June 04, 2006 11 comments

I went to see the “The Break-Up” yesterday, and felt I should offer a few thoughts on the movie as a general public service announcement or simply a mini-review.

1) Romantic comedies live or die with how greatly they can engage the audience into pulling for them to overcome whatever hardships the script thrusts at them. Unfortunately, I was as ambivalent about their relationship as Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston’s characters were in the film.
2) Any movie that allows Vaughn to riff and improvise his dialogue is bound to have funny moments, and there are several laughs amidst the yelling and screaming about breaking up.
3) The Aniston nude scene was a cop-out as she is fuzzed-out onscreen for no good reason as she strolls past Vaughn while trying to make him jealous.
4) If you’re comparing the Vaughn-Aniston chemistry to Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” the new parents win in a route as they appeared ready to tear each other’s clothes off while Vince and Jen generate only casual chemistry.
5) It made me feel old to see Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn shares scenes (despite their hilarious chemistry) because both actors have added so much weight and mileage since their debut in “Swingers” where they played a couple of lean, hungry guys on the prowl. Now, they are hungry no more.

Final Verdict: A decent date flick that is better than your average romantic comedy, but is still only worth a matinee or a rental.


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The Lesser Of Two Evils . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, June 02, 2006 10 comments

I stumbled across these two pictures while surfing the Internet, and both disturbed me for different reasons.

After my initial laughter subsided, however, I started debating about which one was worse. Or rather which picture felt the most wrong or disturbing in the eyes of myself and of society at large.

The knee-jerk answer would be the kid in the t-shirt because there is something inherently misguided about someone this young offering up this kind of suggestion and punctuating it with the word fuck.

But then again, he’s also young enough to where this wouldn’t scar him for life, and his friends at school would get a good laugh out of the shirt before the principle hustled him out the door and suspended him.

Bruce Willis does not have youth to scapegoat for his ridiculous outfit.

Willis has been walking the Earth for more than 50 years, and at no point during that time would this suit have ever been reasonable outside of a Dr. Seuss book.

He looks like a smirking stop light, although he is rumored to be dating the model standing next to him and she doesn’t seem to mind that she’s draping herself around a human barber pole.

So, I guess in the end, the kid probably wins this face-off for the more disturbing image.

At least that’s my opinion, but I could always be convinced otherwise.


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