Blog Archive

Thoughts On "Miami Vice" . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 31, 2006 8 comments

1) This movie makes you want to be filthy, stinking rich. I don't mean well-off or upper middle-class.

I mean flat-out, wipe my ass with $100 bills rich. Everyone in this movie has boats, cars, houses, jets & clothing that makes you feel really bad about your current situation after leaving the theater. The fact that these same people with the mega-money are all drug dealers, pimps and scumbags with extremely short life spans is only a minor deterrent. Details.

{This is a car that is driven by Farrel in the film}

2) There is very little actual dialogue in this movie, which is about style, visuals, music and bullets. This combination is a feast for the eyes and actual talking can take a back seat when the music and the scenery are this cool.

3) I like movies that aren't afraid to be rated R. Screw going for the biggest possible demographic with a PG-13 rating - this movie needed to be and is a full-on R due to violence and sex.

4) Colin Farrel's fu manchu in the movie is awesome. Facial hair is a tricky thing, but whoever let him go with this look was a smart individual because it gave him some added weight or gravitas or something that benefitted the entire movie.

5) That being said, I hate when actors decide that they need to talk tough by growling every line they utter. Farrel falls into this trap as his dialogue all sounds like he's gargling glass, which is a poor substitute for actual line readings.

"Miami Vice" was much better than I anticipated despite a rather pedestrian undercover police plot.

The plot is secondary to the visuals and it provided a great escape where all situations were intense and fraught with danger. This scenery combined with the exotic locales, good-looking cast and erection-inducing transportation culiminates in an entertaining film that is worth at least a matinee price.

Now I just need to work on getting more money immediately and I think the local 7-11 has a lottery ticket with my name on it.


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Gibson Owns Malibu, But His Life Is 'Fucked' . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, July 29, 2006 19 comments

"They can take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom," - William Wallace (Mel Gibson) "Braveheart"

By now the word has spread that Mel Gibson was arrested for DWI recently, but new reports are also starting to trickle out that Gibson was particularly drunk and extremely nasty to the arresting officers.

The trouble started when it became obvious to Gibson that unlike William Wallace the Malibu PD really was going to his freedom away from him.

The police report says Gibson said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

We're told Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "f****d" he was and how he was going to "f***" Deputy Mee.

That is a lot of fucks for one night, but I'm sure the police knew that Gibson's threats rang hollow because if you've had that much to drink it's hard enough to get it up for one round of fucking much less all the people who he threatened.

And if he would have just kept his mouth shut, his life wouldn't be 'fucked' either.

It's not uncommon for people in Hollywood to be arrested for DWIs, however, when you add in the anti-semitism and just generally being an asshole it makes for a much nastier story.

But I have to admit that the sugar tits line did make me laugh.

Mel Gibson - what a comedian.


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Excuse Me While I Kiss The Skyy . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, July 27, 2006 8 comments

I thought that I'd posted enough disgusting images this week that I felt compelled to regain my karmic balance by posting something hot.

I've had a firm appreciation for Skyy Vodka ads for years as I think nearly all of them have been first-class advertising.

They almost always feature a prominent shot of the vodka and two good-looking people who either just got it on, are about to get it on or just really want to get it on.

And I like the consistency of the message - people who drink Skyy vodka love to screw and drink vodka and maybe not in that order.

I would also like to point out that not all racy images get to me because some are just in poor taste and have the opposite effect.

For some reason, however, Skyy Vodka has me figured out and I can still recall one night several years ago when I ordered a vodka tonic at a club and the bartender then asked me what type of vodka I wanted in my drink.

I was stunned for a second (still in the early 20s) and images of Vodka's past flashed through my head:

1) McCormicks - I used to drink this horrible crap in high school and early college because it was cheap and got the job done.

2) Absolute - Started switching over sometime in college.

3) Grey Goose - Good stuff, but I feathered the goose much too hard one night and have had a difficult time drinking it since then.

In desperation my mind finally seized upon a half-naked woman by a pool with a Skyy Vodka and a willing pool boy nearby.

So, I went with Skyy Vodka for the drink.

Who says advertising doesn't work?


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All That Glitters Is Gay . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, July 26, 2006 12 comments

I don't feel the need to constantly criticize celebrities for looking horrendous, and I generally feel that there's a surplus of irritating snark on the Internet but lately I just can't stay away from brutal sights like this:

This was Mariah Carrey at a recent appearance where she was singing, dancing and working up a nasty sweat that makes me want to stay far away from her.

She is working those Daisy Duke shorts in ways that should never be done to any amount of denim, and I bet they stink to high heaven.

It's tough work putting on a show for your fans, however, Mariah should seriously consult her makeup team because they have let her down in a big way.

And now I am forced to comment on it, although this is the last time for awhile as I would much rather look at things that excite me than those that repulse me.

In a different late news item, former 'N Sync member Lance Bass admitted to People magazine that he is gay.

In a related story - the sun rose in the East.


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Oprah Meet Tara (For No Good Reason) . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 24, 2006 20 comments

Some things go together like Peanut Butter & Chocolate or Ben & Jerry or drinking & Taco Bell, but then there are times where two items get smashed together for no good reason.

And so it goes with my linking Oprah Winfrey and Tara Reid.

There's nothing that ties these two women together as Tara is a slightly deranged, frequently drunk actress in need of credability and a job while Winfrey has more money than she knows what to do with.

Both women came onto my radar this week, although the reasons were quite different.

Oprah has made news lately by venhemently denying that she has had a lesbian relationship with her friend Gayle King.

Some might say she has been denying it too loudly and too often, but I'm not one of those conspiracy theorists.

What I would say to her is this: When you're trying to assert your heterosexuality don't tell stories like this one:

"When I was 22 years old and working as a TV anchor in Baltimore, there was a young production assistant in the newsroom, Gayle King. One night there was a snowstorm and she couldn't get home. I said, 'Hey, you can spend the night at my house.' She said, 'I don't have any panties.' I said, 'Well, I do. I have clean panties, and once I give 'em to you, you don't have to give 'em back.'"

This story is just plain wrong on so many levels, and the strangest thing is that she would tell it to news outlets for a purpose that it just didn't accomplish in mind.

Moving onto someone who I no longer care what her panties look like, Tara Reid came to my attention after she was seen poolside drinking and hanging out - literally.


It's a long way downward spiral since "American Pie" for Tara, but I hate to take delight in the descent as "Taradaise" was such a spectacularly entertaining train wreck that I can never wish her too much bad luck.

I do wish, however, that she would never stand that way again because it's about as sexy as a hernia exam - which is extremely minimal.


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When Everything Rebels . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, July 23, 2006 18 comments

It's one thing to have a bad hair or face or body day, but then there are also times like this:

And you know your day has gone to absolute shit when your surgically-enhanced boobs decide to droop and feature enough space between them to park a half-ton truck.

Paula Abdul has enough issues with reality, medication and coherant conversation that you have to feel slightly bad for her because it seems like she took some time to put herself together to venture into public and yet this is the best that she could manage.

On the other hand, she is making a ton of money from "American Idol" and she did get to dance with MC Skat Cat back in the early 90s, so she'll just have to take the good with the bad.

And in this case the truly awful.


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Why The Hell Not . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, July 21, 2006 15 comments

Although my motivation is lacking, I've decided to give this NYC modeling gig one more shot.

My nutritionist recently held a long discussion with the modeling agent and the topic was my body. Specifically, it was about the exact dimensions that my body needs to attain to earn a free trip to New York and an introduction into print ads, magazine covers and commercials.

And although it wasn't mentioned I would hope that it also means a free pass to parties and scenes from Roman times complete with ample food and drink and drugs and orgies - minus the vomitorioums.

"It won't be easy or any fun at all," my nutritionist warned me, and he is currently devising a hellacious 8 - 12 week program that will be absent of many things that makes life worth living.

That means no booze, sugar, refined grains, milk, dope, starches, and fat. On the plus side, there will be plenty of egg whites and protein powder.

The plan is to start the program in mid-August when I can focus my energies on this project with the idea being to peak in October.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my freedom of food choices and plan to consume a lot of barbecue and Tex-Mex and Shiner Boch beer.

I also plan to start working on my model expression of "I don't care about any aspect of your existence and wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire" look. It should look something like this:

It's far from perfect, but it's a start as this one was taken by my brother while we were attending my best friend's wedding in Ireland.

But that's neither here nor there, and I think there's an ice-cold Dos Equis in the freezer calling my name.

The plain oatmeal and chicken breasts will have to wait for now.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 6 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, July 19, 2006 14 comments

These battles are not getting any easier and now Star Jones has leapt into the fray.

In the latest round of evil things it's t-shirt slogans that have locked these two firece combatants into a brouhaha.

Although I do own a couple of t-shirts with pithy sayings, I've always felt that if you have to wear something clever on your body then you're probably not a very clever person in real life.

But the winner (or loser) in this case is clearly Star Jones who has had a bad run of luck recently as first she gets fired from "The View" and now she loses this contest by the decree of 2 Dollar Productions.

The cake girl most likely has a good sense of humor in order to wear that shirt, but I have a suspicion that Mrs. Jones actually believes that she is indeed a "trophy wife."

Nothing could be farther from the truth, however, and if Star is the trophy for winning anything then I can guarantee you that I'd be throwing that game.


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She So Crazy . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10 comments

Naomi Campbell might be one of the best-looking people walking this planet, but she is also a flat-out terrifying bitch with a nasty temper, powerful hands for dealing out cell phone blows to her hired help and the morals of rabid wolverine.

In her latest round of bizarre and violent behavior, Campbell allegedly caused over $50,000 worth of damage to her boyfriend's yacht.

And once again it was the hired help that set her off.

The trigger that caused the ferocious supermodel to destroy fittings and furniture aboard the vessel was something universal that I'm sure we can all relate to as an unrelenting cause of anxiety and pain - A tomato, mozzarella and dried ham appetizer with white wine sauce.

The dish did not meet Campbell's satisfaction, and when the cook shouted back at the model, a furious Campbell is said to have begun throwing around items.

"All hell seemed to break loose," an onlooker told an English tabloid. "All you could hear was shouting and screaming in English. There was the sound of plates being broken. Some of the crew later said the kitchen was a complete mess and the curtains and cushions had all been ripped apart."

Naomi better reign herself in or she will be putting those fighting skills to use in jail as she is currently defending herself against 3 lawsuits brought by former employees.

{Editor's Note: Real prison will probably be nothing like the fictional one presented in this film.}

I'm not sure about the exact circumstances around those cases, however, Campbell's temper has gone completely over the edge because anyone who can justify throwing a tantrum when you're dining on Italian cuisine aboard a high-priced yacht needs to get some real problems.

I can only imagine how much damage Campbell would do if she was ever forced to mail something at a U.S. Post Office.



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Not Eating Daily Or Knightly . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, July 16, 2006 12 comments

Keira Knightly recently admitted that anorexia runs in her family, but the announcement was no surprise to me after she turned up at a "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" premiere looking like this -

Talk about a Dead Man's Chest.

Knightly's sunken and emaciated chest was distressing to me because I generally think she's one of the best looking actresses in Hollywood.

And while her face is still fine, Keira's new body would be about as much fun to touch as a 90-year-old woman after her feeding tube was removed.

Obviously I have never experienced such a sensation, however, the image just came to me after seeing this picture and I only hope that Knightly puts some weight back on in a hurry.

Anorexia may run in her family, but she needs to run to Burger King and order the left side of the menu.


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Drinking, Drugging & Wakeboarding . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, July 14, 2006 13 comments

Strange thoughts start running through your head when you realize that it's early Thursday afternoon and you're half-stoned and partially drunk and being driven around Lake Austin by the highest boss that you report to in your company.

This is a dodgy proposition under the best of circumstances, and then "Paradaise City" comes on the radio and thanks to your slightly altered state everything is OK again.

For at least a little while.

I found myself in this very situation today as I was one of four employees who were spending the day "bonding" and "planning strategy" on the boat.

As far as I can recall no real iniatitives came from the afternoon, but I can attest that there was a lot of Negro Modelo and Heineken consumed and then things got even stranger with a little dope.

There's nothing quite like being more than a little strung out on sun, surf and other intoxicants before deciding that it would be a good time to wakeboard (sp?) for the first time.

{Editor's Note: This is NOT me in the picture}

I wouldn't recommend it for anyone considering the option, but I did manage to get up and ride the waves several times before swallowing a lot of water and ultimately wiping out.

But what I had on my mind wasn't wakeboarding - it was music as the radio station that we had cranked in the boat played a random selection of tracks that I thought were absolutely essential for the situation.

In addition to Guns N Roses, I also heard:

1) "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith
2) "Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes
3) "Slow Ride" by Foghat (?)

There were others, but due to my state I've since forgotten them.

But I would like to hear from anyone else just which 3 songs would you consider to be 100 percent perfect for a day cruising around the lake with one of your bosses in tow and a bunch of bad stuff running through your body and mind.

Music might not solve this situation, but it damn sure made it a lot more bearable.


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If These Are Real . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12 comments

I don't spend much time pondering the size flucuations of Lindsey Lohan's chest, but . . .

I do believe that Ms. Lohan now has a new set of surgically-enhanced tits.

There might have been a question about this subject in the past, but the evidence is now round and perky and crystal clear.

I have absolutely no problem with her new chest as I don't discriminate between real and natural in that area, but the next time Lohan gets asked about platic surgery and categorically denies it - we'll all know that she's lying.


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Personal Training, Orgies & Questions . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 10, 2006 8 comments

"The only thing that can break up an orgy is daylight
or a bigger orgy down the street," - Unknown man at Gold's Gym

{Editor's Note: This picture is supposed to represent a turn-of-the-century orgy. I'm not sure if I buy it}

I was a personal trainer for nearly 5 years before recently hanging up my old work attire of shorts and a tank top for an office job.

The training gig started as a lark, but then I began to really enjoy it and ended up managing a personal training studio before moving onto a women's only gym for my last two years of service.

Gyms can be microcosms of life and quotes like the intro to this post are commonplace as I experienced numerous strange and hilarious statements during my time in the trenches.

I still recall the horror of one particular man who was squatty, sweaty and hairy and boasted the awful habit of wanting to talk to me in the locker room while standing buck naked.

He never actually used the towel that was always draped casually on his shoulder or on the bench beside him, and I rarely heard a word he said because I would try to tune him out and escape to a happy place in my mind which didn't involve a hairy naked man talking about how "me and my son really moved some furniture around this weekend."

It didn't stop there as there was always something interesting or impossibly stupid being uttered in the gym.

Here's just a few of the ones that I still remember:

"If I do 2 sets of 15 reps then can I just do one set of 25 reps?" - Not by my math.

"Can I lower my body fat and still eat a few Krispy Kremes everyday?" - Unlikely.

"How much does the 15 lb. bar weigh," - Would you believe me if I told you 15 lbs.

"Can you not mention my extra training to my wife because I want to show her ass up at the 4th of July picnic this year?" - I suppose.

"Do you think my wife would notice if I hired a dancer from The Lodge (Dallas strip club) to watch our kids sometimes?" - This is likely a bad idea for a number of reasons.

I'm sure there are others, but I'm out of time and need to get back to my present job and living in the past is a dangerous proposition when there's work to do.

And if I'm lucky the asinine questions will be kept to a bare minimum.


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Thoughts On Pirates . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Saturday, July 08, 2006 11 comments

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" was the first real summer blockbuster I've seen so far, and here's a few thoughts on the experience:

1) This movie is going to make a ton of money as the theater was packed and it was showing on about 27 different screens and several were already sold out.

2) It's not quite as fun as the first time around simply because the original was such an unexpected treat. That being said, both films were far better than movies based on a Disneyland ride had any reason to be.

3) If there's a better looking trio of Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly onscreen recently I can't remember it. Those genetically-gifted bastards probably sat around on the set and argued about who was prettier between takes (my vote is for Kiera).

4) There's more chemistry between Knightly and Depp than Knightly and Bloom, who is her fiance in the movie.

5) The movie is far too long as it has no business having a 2 1/2 hour running time. This is not an epic or a subtle story that needs ample running time - it's a pirate movie.

In the end, Pirates will be a major summer hit and as far as popcorn movies go it's a cut above the field thanks to Depp's interesting choice for Capt. Jack Sparrow and enought ships, rum and blue water to make for enjoyable escapism.


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The Cows Have Come Home To Roost . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, July 06, 2006 10 comments

It's good to know that talent or a lack thereof always shines through and Ashlee Simpson's debacle of a summer tour is another reminder of this fact.

The lack of demand for Simpson's vocal stylings had been so low that promoters had been slashing prices faster than a hooker on Columbus Day.

During her recent stop in Portsmouth, VA, Simpson played to fewer than 700 people in a venue that hold 6,500.

I'm no math major, but I do know that 700 ticket-buying fans does not constitute a major summer tour and Joe Simpson is probably in his underground lair at this very moment hatching a plot to boost her career and possibly find a loophole that would allow him to marry Jessica.

With any luck he will be foiled in both pursuits, however, at least Ashlee has her new cosmetic looks to keep her spirits high as she wails to a sell-out crowd of few hundred poor and desperate souls.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 5 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, July 05, 2006 14 comments

It's never easy to compare evil and horrendous images, but then again, life rarely allows you to reap its rewards without a certain amount of struggle along the way.

I imagine that I will be shouted down once again, but from my perspective the soccer player who is receiving a face full of sweaty ass is the winner for worst picture.

This poor bastard is just trying to play a game - a game that doesn't typically involve wearing an opposing player's ass like a tight-fitting hat.

I found the other image on PerezHilton (complete with hand-drawn graffiti) and it features UK celeb Jodie Marsh on the red carpet at some premiere.

I'm not sure what she's famous for across the pond, although there are at least 2 reasons that spring to mind immediately.

Personally, I could handle the floss-like horizontal suspenders that barely cover her nipples, however, I do feel that the cowboy hat is a bit tacky and in poor taste when combined with the rest of the ensemble.

Her classy package of orange skin, gigantic boobs, nipple strips, bleached hair and skin-tight pants would have been better served without the hat and she made an undeniable mistake with her choice of headgear.

And despite the fact that her picture inspires some purely evil thoughts inside of me, I still have to say that Jodie lost this round to an exuberant soccer leap that showcased tremendous effort but also caused one competitor to bring an entirely new meaning to "taking one for the team."


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Going Out With A Bang . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, July 04, 2006 7 comments

The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays.

There's something about copious amounts of food and drinks and family and friends and huge exploding balls of fire that leaves me emotionally erect to steal a phrase from Steve Martin in "L.A. Story."

For the past 20 years, my family has gathered in the wilds of Oklahoma to celebrate the holiday and this year was no exception.

Hundreds of dollars are spent on fireworks and there's always enough food to feed a small army or Rosie O'Donnell on any given Tuesday evening.

Fried chicken, deviled eggs, potato salad, watermelon, chips and dips, smoked brisket, fried pies, birthday cake, a lemon cake and a relish tray to try and soak up a little of grease from the rest of the spread are present every year.

A diet would suffer at this event, but there is the opportunity to run some of it off by chasing parachutes and artillery shells and smoke bombs around a gigantic front yard out in the middle of the country.

Personally, I would celebrate Independence Day in no other fashion, but regardless of your personal rituals, have a good time and also remember that the 4th of July is also the best holiday for getting ahead with the opposite sex.

Or so I read somewhere.


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I Call Bullshit . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, July 02, 2006 17 comments

The former greatest lifeguard in the world, David Hasselhoff, was recently rushed to a hospital in London after severing a tendon in his right arm.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said.

That's the official story, but I call bullshit on that one as something smells fishy and for once it's not the tanning lotion all over the Hoff's furry chest.

How the hell do you hit your head on a chandelier while shaving in a gym?

My feeling is the real version was something like this: Hasselhoff entered the sauna to sweat out his previous nights intake of cocaine and prostitutes. After a few other sauna members noticed who he was and started asking him questions about where he parked his talking car, the Hoff exited the sauna.

Then he began shaving and the guy next to him mentioned that his singing was responsible for several crimes against nature and as Hasselhoff leapt onto the chandelier it promptly collapsed under his immense power and he was rendered immobile and rushed to the hospital.

That is probably closer to the real account, but if Hasselhoff wants to keep up this foolish charade he should really come up with a better story than one that would have been rejected for an episode of "Baywatch" as being far too ridiculous.


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