Blog Archive

It's A New Year (Or Close Enough) . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, December 31, 2007 23 comments

The countdown has begun, and the New Year's preparations are driving me half-crazy.

A solid game plan is key. The battle will be won and lost in the details, in the muck and those who are afraid to get their hands dirty will suffer like fools. But enough of the doomsday scenarios.

Mostly, I need to finish work at the office so I can round up my New Year's Day essentials. These include: 1 bottle of champagne, 1 bottle of Orange Juice, 1 Chocolate Silk Pie, Freshly ground coffee, 6 aspirin, Black Eyed-Peas (for luck of course), breakfast sausages, Eggs, pesto jack cheese, hash browns, 1 cantaloupe, turkey bacon, 2 bottles of Young's Winter Warmer, and a chopped onion.

College Football will be watched throughout the day, and I've got a backlog of magazines to sift through while this all takes place among packing for Taos, N.M.

So, here's to a hell of a good New Year's Eve and Day celebration for everyone. Be safe, watch out for the amateur drunks on the road and don't forget the Black-Eyed Peas because who couldn't use a bit of luck in 2008?

Happy New Year.

And to fulfill a promise and keep a streak alive, here is a holiday meme that I'm behind on:

1. Post a note about a blogger you would like to see something wonderful happen for. Maybe one whose posts have touched your heart in one way or another. Include details as to why you admire them and what you wish for them. Be as supporting and affirming as you can. This is tough as I generally pull for everyone whose blogs I read consistently. Cyberspace is like real life in that there is only so much time in the day, so why waste it on those who don't interest you? Anyway, I'll go with Jlee on this one since she could use good medical news and is due to get some anytime now. This seems the most pressing to me as it all starts with health in my book.

2. Post your favorite memory around selflessness, giving, or doing for others. Something that has actually changed you. "Changed" is a big word, but I do remember always finding families, older people, etc. to buy presents for around the holidays since I was very little as my parents encouraged it. This has stuck with me, and although some years I'm better than others at keeping this tradition alive, it's always one of the reasons I enjoy the holidays as I am a fan of random acts of kindness, even if I LOATHE those t-shirts that advertise the same sentiment.

3. As a postscript, name one thing you will actually do for someone in your life before December 31 that is born out of joy. Buy my boss a present because unlike many others in his position, he still finds time to be a decent human being. This mostly means leaving me alone to do my work, and to never question my hours which can sometimes get a little sideways. There is also some joy much closer to home that I will unleash at the appropriate time.

| edit post

Ho, Ho, Ho . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, December 25, 2007 21 comments

{Editor's Note: I already did my Tara Reid post, so this title has more to do with Christmas than D-list starlets.}

Christmas Day has finally brought me back to a computer as my holiday started last Thursday in Austin. Since then, I have driven to Dallas before moving onto Oklahoma to visit family (and where my grandparents know about "the Internet" but don't care to explore the concept any further).

After celebrating the holiday early, I'm back in Austin before moving onto Houston tomorrow to visit my best friend and his wife, who have traveled from their home in Dublin, Ireland.

Then it's back to Austin to blow out New Year's Eve at my loft, a holiday event which doesn't excite me that much because unlike Groundhog Day, I consider this annual year-end event to be extremely overrated.

So, once I can shake off my New Year's Day hangover by surrounding it with grease, aspirin, two mimosas, a slice of pie and 2 pots of coffee, I can fly to Taos, NM to visit in-laws and ski like a greased weasel down the ski slopes.

All of this is one excuse after another for my continued absence until January 8th.

And more importantly, this post exists to wish everyone a Merry Christmas or if you hate the holiday like treatment-resistant TB, then simply enjoy the time off. I, however, am an unabashed fan of Christmas.

It's got a jolly old man who arbitrarily decides your fate:

There's always candy around to snack on with friends:

But there's just something about a well-lighted Christmas tree that does it for me (this is our family tree post-gift opening):

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from $2 Dollar Productions.


| edit post

Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, December 21, 2007 20 comments

"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says... [the ceiling gives way] Oh, shit." - Judd Nelson, "The Breakfast Club"

That's the best thing that Nelson has ever done, but damn, what a fine example 80's filmmaking. Since Christmas is around the corner and I've got traveling to do where the Internet doesn't roam, let's get right to the stories of the week:

Jamie Lynn Spears -- the 16-year-old children's television star and younger sister of beleaguered pop star Britney Spears -- announced to OK! Magazine that she was pregnant this week. Spears, the star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101," confirmed to the magazine that she was pregnant and that the father is her 18-year-old boyfriend.

In a related story, it was announced that Lynne Spears - Britney and Jamie's mother - will have her forthcoming book on parenting postponed indefinitely.

Sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Celine Dion called it a wrap at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas this week after a five-year engagement. Her fan cheered, stood and clapped throughout the show, as Dion told them of the show's troubles:

"At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again," said Dion.

And personally, I would rather go down on the Titantic than attend one of her shows (sorry Canada).

Matthew McConaughey cut his face this week while preparing for his role in "The Grackle," a new movie from his J.K. Livin Productions. The actor's publicist said that McConaughey had been training Ultimate Fighting Championship-style and that McConaughey did not know when and where the injury occurred.

He later added that Matthew might have been able to identify the time period if "he wasn't so high all the time."

Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from third hubby Rick Salomon after just two months of marriage -- but she may have changed her mind.

The former “Baywatch” star cited “irreconcilable differences” in court papers filed Frida. But Anderson later pulled the request and posted a brief note on her Web site Monday reading: "P.S. We're working things out."

If I was betting, I would bet that things don't "work out" and that this will be divorce #4 for Anderson before 2008 arrives.

"Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson will take part in "The Hobbit," the prequel to the highly profitable film series, after settling disputes with New Line Cinema over "Rings" residuals, the studio announced Tuesday.

Legions of fans immediately leapt from their parent's basements and began sewing Middle Earth costumes for the premiere.

Oscar-winning actor Michael Douglas has a new gig - the 63-year-old Hollywood star debuted on Monday night as the new announcer for the network newscast -- "This is the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams."

I didn't realize that Douglas was that hard up for work, although I guess it costs a fair bit of money to keep a much younger Catherine Zeta-Jones satisfied.

Amy Winehouse was arrested in London on Tuesday as the "Back To Black" singer was implicated in a bribery plot for which her 25-year-old husband, Blake, has been jailed since November.

A police spokesperson confirmed: “A 24-year old woman has been arrested by appointment at an east London police station. She is currently in custody. The arrest was in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice.”

If I was ever going to be charged with anything, I wish it would be "perverting the course of justice." I love English expressions.

Speaking of perversion, let's end with this:

This combines a few of my favorite things in life in one gorgeous package. Let's hope we all get a few holiday packages soon enough, but if not, feel free to put on your stockings, head to your local bar and . . . Happy Friday!


| edit post

The Evolution Of Tara Reid . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, December 19, 2007 22 comments

I hate to waste space writing about Tara Reid since she's a considerable waste of it in the first place. However, I recently saw this picture of Reid in Australia wearing a swimsuit and looking gaunt which caused me to re-consider this stance.

Reid resembles two popsicle sticks that are about to break with a pair of cantaloupes tied on top to make the whole package wobbly. It's not a pretty sight. But this evolution (or de-evolution) of Reid is easy to see in bikini shots as her career has faded into oblivion.

In these shots, the actress looks nice and relaxed. These would be the "American Pie" and "The Big Lebowski" years where Reid was an up and comer after a passable turn in 'Pie' coupled with a small yet spectacular role in 'Lebowski' where she uttered the highly memorable line: "I'll suck your cock for $1,000."

This time it was years later after a string of flops including "The Boss's Daughter" and "Alone in the Dark," the latter of which Reid played a highly intelligent scientist (who cast this movie?). This was also around the time that Reid's horrendous plastic surgery choices were also bearing fruit.

And finally, Reid's career catches up to present day where she seems to have stopped eating and is appearing at club openings in Australia for money.

These things happen in Hollywood, and if I had the time to study the phenomenon, I would be interested to check the correlation between swimsuit shots and career trajectories.

Research is the key.


| edit post

The Greatest Sex Around Part 13 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, December 18, 2007 12 comments

{This is the Thirteenth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}

"Wild Orchid" is not a good movie.

In theory, this film could have been a decent companion piece to "9 1/2 Weeks," a project with some genuine erotic material. Mickey Rourke and Zalman King were back for 'Orchid,' a story set in Brazil also featuring newcomer model Carre Otis and Jacqueline Bisset.

The murky plot involved Otis working for an international law firm, an important negotiation in Brazil with Bisset acting as a mentor and Rourke hovering in the background as a reclusive millionaire. If you want to see a trailer for the film go to:,_Carre/Trailers/3329/

Otis is quickly drawn to Rourke (of course), however, Rourke seems more interested in pulling her sexual strings by having her watch another couple have sex inside a limo as well as trying to get her to sleep with an oily businessman wearing a carnival mask.

It was really just your old-fashioned courtship.

The main problem is the dialogue is consistently awful. Plotting is also suspect, and most of the screen time between sex scenes is mostly laughable or boring. A sample of dialogue from Bisset:

[after Volleyball Player has removed his jeans] "Ask him if he understands what tremendous pleasure women get looking at naked men."

But the reason this film earned a place among the all-time cinematic sex scenes is the climax of the film, which involves Otis and Rourke in a passionate tryst that was rumored to have been actual real sex as the pair were dating at the time. It's hard to say, however, both are greased up with what appears to be a conspicuous amount of Baby Oil for the scene and if they didn't have sex then the acting was pretty damn good.

I can't recommend watching "Wild Orchid" all the way through (unless you truly enjoy bad movies), but if you find yourself in the middle then fast forward straight to the end of this scene that generates some actual heat.


| edit post

Corporate Etiquette 104 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, December 17, 2007 18 comments

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the fourth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

Things were going well for me at work this past Friday until I walked into the bathroom.

It was almost 2:00 p.m., and I was wrapping things up for the week with an eye on leaving early to beat the Friday traffic. My mind was on a downtown bar as I opened the men's room door to discover a foul and unpleasant odor.

This olfactory irritation wasn't entirely unexpected. These things DO happen. I was, in fact, standing inside a bathroom so the surprise factor was limited. The culprit was inside a stall with his pants bunched around his ankles in the common mode of bathroom operation.

As I stood at a urinal, however, a low rumbling was heard from the stall. It was a guttural, primal sound of fury. A take-no-prisoners cry from the bowels of hell. It sounded like a an oversized duck being fed into a wood chipper, except the smell was much worse.

I quickly flushed, and started washing my hands. I wanted to leave. No part of me wanted to actually view the man responsible, but right before I could exit our CEO walked out.

He looked neither ashamed nor proud. He just looked above the fray, and held an expression that seemed to signify "I'm the CEO, a title where earns me the right to shit like an unholy beast and feel no shame."

In fact, he wanted to talk to me. I simply wanted to vacate the area, but was forced to discuss a deal that I was working to update him on the progress. The conversation seemed to continue forever as he washed his hands, casually dried them and then we left the bathroom before ultimately parting directions.

My day had gone sideways.

Regardless of the circumstance, it's never a comfortable conversation with your CEO - especially in the men's room following an unrelentingly savage toilet attack. But I was impressed with his attitude following the discovery. I made a mental note to remember that same philosophy if I ever became CEO of any company at any point in life.

Then again, if I was CEO, I would negotiate my contract to stipulate that a bathroom would be built inside my office with a toilet made out of gold.


| edit post

Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, December 14, 2007 22 comments

"When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks," - Jonah Hill, "Superbad"

The days are moving quickly in Austin as Christmas is approaching like a hyena on speed. I've got work to do, shopping to finish and more of these damn parties to attend, however, there are stories to discuss such as:

Paris Hilton has created a new line of champagne, and painted her naked body gold for its first ad campaign. The new champagne, called "Rich Prosecco", comes in a can and will initially launch in Europe before making its debut in the US next year.

I'm not an expert linguist, however, I believe that "Procecco" roughly translates to "Bitch" in English.

People magazine reported this week that Jessica Alba is pregnant with longtime boyfriend Cash Warren's baby.

"I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer," her rep tells the mag.

I can say that I'm undoubtedly jealous of Warren as I would have paid Cash money for the opportunity - at least $2.

Britney Spears failed to attend a court-ordered deposition after telling her ex-husband's lawyer that she was feeling unwell - allegedly with "high anxiety."

The irony is that I'm sure Spear's children are also in a constant state of "high anxiety" whenever she's around them, which might not be that much longer if she continues to live on a different plane of reality.

Eddie Van Halen returned to his home in Los Angeles to discover that broken water main in Studio City had sent thousands of gallons of water flowing down Coldwater Canyon Avenue and into Van Halen's yard.

"The pool is buried in mud, the driveway gate is down and some major landscaping is going to be needed to restore the yard to its former self," said Janie Liszewski, Van Halens' publicist and live-in girlfriend. "It could have been a lot worse."

The only way it could have been worse was if the gushing water had washed up Gary Cherone into Van Halen's backyard, which is way I assume their short-lived band partnership was originally forged.

Charlize Theron's Hollywood Hill home was the scene of a break-in last week, police said.

Los Angeles police are currently investigating the break-in. It is still unknown when the forced entry occurred and whether anything was taken from the house.

I'm just glad they haven't noticed that 3 pairs of Theron's undergarments are missing yet. Small favors.

During a an appearance on "TODAY" earlier this week, Janice Dickinson told Al Roker that Love Hewitt "is a healthy, not emaciated woman." Then she added, "You want to see someone who's fat? I'm sorry, Tyra. Tyra Banks is fat."

I found Dickinson's critique semi-funny, although I wouldn't take it too seriously as her face is stretched so tight that I'm not sure how it has affected her eyesight.

Alex Trebek, the longtime Jeopardy! Host, suffered a minor heart attack at his home Monday night, a spokesperson for the quiz show confirmed to E! News.

He was said to be "resting comfortably" at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles on Tuesday and was expected to remain there for two days while undergoing tests.

Trebek had to be physically restrained from attacking his original doctor after the medic kept phrasing his treatment options in the form a of a question.

San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker and his wife, TV actress Eva Longoria, issued a statement Wednesday night defending their marriage against claims by a French model that she had an affair with Parker in September.

"I love my wife," Parker, 25, said in the statement from Longoria's spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. "She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier."

Parker later added that he's damn near ecstatic that Longoria actually believes his story about not cheating with a French model. I know I would be.

Shia LaBeouf is no longer facing criminal charges for refusing to leave a downtown Chicago drugstore last month because he appeared to be drunk.

The star of the forthcoming "Indiana Jones" movie appeared in a Chicago courtroom for only minutes Wednesday before prosecutors read a letter from the Walgreens Co. and a security company saying they don't want to continue the case.

LaBeouf immediately made plans to celebrate his victory by getting blitzed and heading to a CVS store.

Since we're ending with victory, let's continue with a pleasing image like:

I don't generally like for people to drape themselves on my vehicle, however, sometimes you have to really lean into something to make it shine. So, put your back into your work today, press forward towards the weekend and . . . Happy Friday!


| edit post

Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, December 12, 2007 23 comments

{This is the fifteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* When I lose something, find it and then somebody says "it's always in the last place you look," I want to strangle them because why would I continue searching if I found the item in the first place I looked.

* It's not a real vacation if you take your work Blackberry along for the trip.

* Brokeback Mountain jokes are no longer funny - that ship has sailed.

* Unless you're inside a limo then sex in the car is usually more trouble than it's worth

* If you're in a limo with loads of champagne then it's a perfect time to spring that "exotic" request on your partner

* A turtle is a pet for people who don't want to own pets

* Even if you don't care about your shoes, a smoking pair is a good investment because they can damn near get you laid

* Standing in line at a U.S. Postal office is akin to standing in the third ring of hell.

* Never wrestle a bear unless the match is rigged, and even then, I wouldn't recommend it.

* See no evil, Hear no evil is the best way to approach public restrooms

* Never use the word boner after the 9th grade.

* "O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!" - William Shakespeare


| edit post

Bring On The Champagne . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, December 11, 2007 19 comments

"Champagne don't hurt me baby
Cocaine don't make me lazy
Ain't nobody's business but mine," - Jerry Jeff Walker, "Champagne Don't Hurt Me Baby"

I rarely drink champagne.

It might happen at the occasional brunch where I'll order a Mimosa over a Bloody Mary mainly because I cannot stand tomato juice. I also have a bottle chilled for New Year's Eve as well as companion piece for New Year's Day to ward off the evils from the previous night .

But overall, I don’t drink champagne that often as I prefer to stick to good beer, top-flight vodka, and big red wines.

This outlook generally changes with the holiday party season, however, as I think it's a fine idea to have champagne at nearly every event. There's something about champagne that signals a decadent celebration which can lead to random behavior, horrendous toasts and act as a precursor to debauchery.

That is a winning combination in my book. Champagne can serve as the catalyst as few people will actively turn down a glass when the air is cold, and the holiday lights are flickering.

It's also a perfect turn-on because it doesn't make me tired like some drinks can, and how many times have you heard the phrase "that glass of champagne and those bubbles went straight to my head."

I know I've heard it quite often. This simple phrase can also be used in hindsight to justify any illicit behavior or toasts. I vividly recall one such toast that somehow wrapped around to " . . . And I know for a fact that hundred-dollar bills make women horny."

The man was a true poet.

So, now that we're getting into the thick of the holiday party season, I say bring on the champagne. Why not?

I figure that if I MUST go to a plethora of holiday parties which I'd rather decline, then at least there better be champagne floating around because the potential for weirdness and wildness increases with every single glass.


| edit post

About Me

Contact Us

You can reach us by email at