Blog Archive

Is It Really Cheating If . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, July 31, 2007 21 comments

{This is the Eleventh in a recurring series which will explore the brutally complex concept of monogomy in increasingly outlandish scenarios. We hope these will be illuminating what-if scenarios, and that they will cultivate some intense philosophical discussions around what, if anything, really constitutes cheating.}

Is It Really Cheating If:

You find yourself in Brazil during Carnival on business, but like any rational human being, you cannot ignore the craziness, dancing and half-naked women in the streets.

Finding yourself in a mass of people, you swill rum and are dancing with exuberance rather than skill when a dark-haired exotic woman spends an extended amount of time bumping and grinding with you to the beat of the drums.

After hours of this, you've worked yourself into a frenzy and are also quite parched, so you follow her back to her house to quench your thirst (and nothing else).

Upon entering, however, you hear a loud growl from an blind older man who holds a huge Jaguar on a leash as it lunges towards you. The old man says nothing, and barely holds it back.

"He likes to watch me have sex," the woman says as she leads you to the bedroom. The old man follows with the Jaguar who menacingly growls at you as they stand in the corner of the room.

You put on a show-stopping performance as she matches every move while the drums continue to wail away outside. The man never says a word and keeps the Jaguar away from you until you finish, and then run back to the festival and later your hotel.

The next day, you fly home to your girlfriend/fiancé/spouse, but don't say a word about the encounter. So, since you were fearful about being savaged by a rabid Jaguar and since the Jaguar was the only witness to the act . . . Is it really cheating?


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Sick and Irritated . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 30, 2007 16 comments

Whenever I'm sick, I nearly always find that my tolerance for life's little irritants to be extremely low.

This past weekend, I still wasn't fully recovered from my cold, and so I found myself passing up invitations to do things and dwelling on other items - big and small - which were causing me serious grief.

The list included:

1) I just got a raise, but my company is headed in a strange, unsettling direction that I don't like
2) My toenails are too long

3) Lindsay Lohan and Michael Vick are so incredibly stupid that it pains me.

4) I need a haircut
5) It's been raining for weeks on end, and my car is filthy.
6) I need to eat more fiber, but can't get it going.
7) A man whose toenails are too long should be able to at least get a little fiber into his diet
8) I need a rug for my TV room.
9) I don't want to pay for a rug for my TV room.
10)Bora Bora is too damn far away from Austin, TX.

11) Summer television is putrid
12) I haven't won the lottery yet

None of these gripes are particular major or noteworthy, however, sometimes the simple act of listing out the shit that is causing you anger is worthwhile.

Luckily, I feel better now because getting bent out of shape about minor irritations is no way to live.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, July 27, 2007 16 comments

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist," - Kevin Spacey, "The Usual Suspects"

I've been half-sick all week since swilling Vodka in Houston last weekend, but I think we should all feel slightly better with the knowledge that none of us are Lindsay Lohan. That is a comforting thing because:

Just 11 days after completing an extended stint at Promises rehab facility, her second tour of duty in treatment this year, Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine.

Lohan later claimed the cocaine found did not belong to her.

That excuse might have worked on Lohan's mother, Dina, who would let her daughter do anything she wanted as long as Lindsay continued to pay the bills, but I have a strong suspicion that the police and the Courts won't be as forgiving this time around.

Joining in the "Dumb and Dumber" hijinks was Britney Spears whose controversial new interview with OK! magazine started 45 minutes late and ended with the pop star storming off after two hours with more than $15,000 of designer clothes and jewelry hired for the accompanying photo shoot, according to the magazine.

Spears also damaged designer clothes, which included an Alisha Levine dress she left with grease stains after wiping the remnants of a fried chicken lunch on it.

The only person happy with interview and photo shoot that went horribly awry was Colonel Sanders, who's always a winner in my book.

But back to the police reports as Ja Rule and Lil Wayne were each arrested this week for possessing a loaded handgun after separate traffic stops on the streets of Manhattan’s Upper West Side, the police said.

Maybe the rappers were on their way to play a real life version of the computer game: Shoot The Rapper which caused controversy this week and then caused . . .

Rapper 50 Cent to sue an Internet advertising company for $1 million, claiming it illegally used his image in a game where the player pretends to shoot him.

In a statement, 50 said that while he might get rich by trading on his own wounds that "some Internet geek has no right to cash in on my bullets."

It was announced this week that CBS will pay Drew Carey a high seven-figure annual salary to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right"

Carey also announced that his first show will sign off with "Always remember to spay and neuter your pets and Rosie O'Donnell."

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes along with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett threw a bash for the arrival of David and Victoria Beckham in Los Angeles this week.

The party consisted of intense talk about Xenu and Cruise's forthcoming ascension to a higher plane as well as an orgy atop stacks of $100 bills. No food was served at the event.

Singer Kelly Clarkson has ended her high-profile feud with her record label boss Clive Davis, calling him "one of the great record men of all time" after arguments over material on her new album, My December, were thought to have caused the Grammy-winning vocalist to have fallen out with the BMG chairman.

"I really regret how this has turned out and I apologies to those whom I have done disservice," Clarkson said.

In response, Davis cancelled the contract he had taken out on Clarkson's life.

In uplifting news, Jessica Alba is single again after ending the romance with longtime boyfriend, film producer Cash Warren, media reported Thursday.

She reportedly called him and told him "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Alba later added that she was "passionately in love with a devastatingly handsome writer for 2 Dollar Productions, but I'm not naming names." And I won't either.

Since we're on a happy note, let's wrap this week up with:

That looks a little dangerous to me, but what's life without risk? So, with that in mind, stay on your feet today, glide through work and . . . Happy Friday!


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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, July 25, 2007 17 comments

{This is the Twelfth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Sam Adams Summer Ale were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* Why do we all assume when reading a book or watching a movie about a disaster which wipes out 99% of the planet that we would definitely be one of the survivors?

* Vacationing in Europe is always worthwhile, but rarely relaxing.

* Never rub sunscreen on another man's shoulders - that's why spray-on sunscreen mists were invented.

* When handcuffs are involved always use a safe word.

* I think all guys have a deep-down desire to rob a bank in some elaborate way where nobody gets hurt, you don't go to jail and you still get rich.

* I would love to race ostrich's for a living if there was a market for the activity and I could curb their surly dispositions.

* A speech or toast overflowing with inside jokes at a mass wedding is a mistake, lazy and you sound like a buffoon.

* If you don't wear underwear be extremely careful with zippers on your pants.

* Never get a haircut from a guy with a Mohawk.

* Sea Monkeys make awful pets.

* "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut". ~Ernest Hemingway


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Disturbing UpChuck . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, July 24, 2007 16 comments

I had a sneaking suspicion that "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" was going to top the box office this past weekend, but I hoped that I was mistaken.

But per usual, I am seldom wrong and right again as Chuck and Larry knocked Harry Potter off his perch to the tune of $34 million and change.

I have seen countless previews for this movie, and despite the sublime presence of Jessica Biel's body on prominent display, I have yet to find anything even remotely funny from the actual film. Most reviews I glanced at savaged the movie as inept, unfunny and generally offensive to gays, Asians and most people who like a shred of cleverness in their comedy.

It's this last part that irritates me and also gives me the Fear. I am halfway through a re-write of a comedy script, and seeing Chuck and Larry do well at the box office just gives more ammunition to studios to make comedies as high concept and broadly as possible to draw a mass audience.

I have no problem with high concepts, Adam Sandler or being offensive, but at the end of the day, the best comedy needs to be sharp and the success of Chuck and Larry will only serve to make it duller than a butter knife.


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Lost Weekend At Hotel ZaZa . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 23, 2007 13 comments

If someone else is picking up the tab, then I highly recommend staying at Hotel ZaZa.

Luckily, this was the case for me this past weekend as I concerned myself with ordering room service, watching the British Open on a huge flatscreen mounted on the mirrored wall facing the bed, working out, reading, hanging out in their trendy restaurant/bar and lounging by the pool. It was a tough gig.

The main problem was that staying in such places makes me hate my own stuff upon leaving.

My pillows aren't big or soft enough. I need new furniture. And a staff to ensure that when I arrive home at 3 am smelling like a Russian distillery that I can have a burger and ice cream without driving anywhere. The individual ketchup and mustard bottles are imply a "nice to have."

The room was modern and sleek with an atmosphere that made you want to commit deviant acts because they were expected of you. Sometimes, you have to live up to a situation, and let it dictate your actions to a certain degree.

The only problem was a few events where I had to glad-hand a bunch of strangers. To cope with this scenario, I proceeded to pour copious amounts of vodka tonics down my neck until they ran out of tonic at 10:20 pm, which forced me to switch to soda. By that time, however, it could have been mixed with gasoline and I wouldn't have cared too much.

It all seemed like a good idea at the time, however, as I sit here on a Monday morning, I am forced to re-consider a lost weekend full of haze, booze and club sandwiches from room service. My head might feel like an elephant is sitting on it, but when somebody else is picking up the bill there is a moral obligation to push things too far.

That being said, it's easy to explain why I needed a hamburger and caramel ice cream at 3:30 am, but even I could not justify why someone else should pay for me to watch "Candy Stripers in Heat" 3 times in a 24-hour period.

Life is full of missed opportunities.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, July 20, 2007 11 comments

"What are they going to arrest me for? For being awesome." - Cole Hauser, "The Break-Up"

I'm headed for the airport, and praying for no flight delays as I'm due to board a plane that will eventually land me at the Hotel ZaZa, which should be a good time because despite a corporate party that's required, somebody else is footing the bill.

But before I raid the mini-bar and order some in-room "art" films, let's look at this past week because:

We're less than 24 hours away from the release of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the series where the Muggle world will discover if Harry lives or dies or moves to an island in the Pacific with Snape.

It's probably not the latter, but I'm just ready for the madness to conclude as I would like to walk into a local bookstore and not encounter an adult dressed as a wizard.

Lindsay Lohan left rehab on Friday following the completion of a 45-day residential treatment program, and was seen at a Las Vegas club the following night with an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet.

I'm not a qualified rehab specialist, but I imagine that Lohan's Vegas choice is akin to giving a reformed bank robber the key to a bank and telling them to simply enjoy the décor.

Former 'Grey's Anatomy' star Isaiah Washington is joining former 'EastEnders' star Michelle Ryan in the new US TV version of 'The Bionic Woman" for NBC as Washington will guest star in five episodes.

When reached for comment, Washington said "As long as she's not a gay bionic woman then I'm cool with that."

Michael Jackson has been ordered to pay more than $256,000 in legal fees to a firm that handled some side issues during the pop star's child molestation trial.

Jackson argued that for that amount of money he could have purchased at least 2 children on the black market, but his argument failed to sway the judge.

Comedian Dave Chappelle checked into a hospital over the weekend for exhaustion as the comedian was rushed to the emergency room of an unnamed hospital, where he remained for 12 hours before returning home.

It's hard to believe that someone could give Paula Abdul a run for the title of TV's biggest lunatic, but Chappelle is certainly pushing Abdul for the crown. Exhaustion my ass.

Victoria Beckham allegedly snubbed friendship overtures from Paris Hilton this week after Hilton said:

"I just know Victoria and I would get along. We could be soul mates” Hilton told a pal, according to the London Sun.

Posh responded with:

“Over my dead body!” she snapped to a friend, reports the paper. “We couldn’t be more different. You won’t catch me falling out of nightclubs with no knickers on.”

I never thought I'd say it, but I actually have a little more respect for Posh Spice right now.

But all is not gloomy for Hilton as almost a year after the release of her self-titled debut album, she is planning on returning to a recording studio to lay down the follow-up.

"I’m already working on my new record,” Hilton told E! Online recently. “I’ve been in meetings with Scott (Storch) and we’ve been working on it.”

Let's hope Hilton can avoid the dreaded sophomore slump with this album because her debut was so artistically amazing that it will be hard to top.

Speaking of hard to top, let's end with a top-flight image per usual:

If your ass is hot, make sure it stays where it is and regardless of the size, shape or firmness . . . Happy Friday!


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Fat and Happy . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, July 19, 2007 14 comments

I recently saw this picture of Val Kilmer, and it just made me feel disillusioned as it's always disturbing to see actors you like let themselves completely go.

What happened to the intellectual slacker of "Real Genius"?

Or the rival to Tom Cruise in "Top Gun"?

Wyatt Earp's best friend in perhaps his finest role?

But now, he seems to be on a bloated slide towards utter softness and he looks very content to be there. I suppose he's earned the right to do so, however, it still irritates me for entirely selfish reasons.


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Lesser Of Two Evils Part 8 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, July 17, 2007 11 comments

It's been a long time since the previous installment in this series, but I recently came across these pictures of Britney Spears and Mel Gibson and thought that the images constituted a titanic battle fit for this Evil series.

As I mentioned, this is a fierce contest as Gibson's shot was in Costa Rica where he recently purchased a home (and has a glazed look similar to the one he displayed just prior to his DWI arrest), and Spears is simply acting crazy inside a sporting goods store and then looking even more unhinged with a hot pink wig.

I would have to argue that Gibson is the lesser of two evils here. Gibson is older, has more money and seems to have the good sense to take his particular brand of insanity to South America where he can drink and run wild on his own fortified compound without raising too many eyebrows.

He's obviously not hurting for women either.

As for Spears, she seems to be regressing again. She looks crazed and bloated and if her day job consists of bizarre displays of her questionable tennis skills, then I would also worry that it's only a matter of time before she fritters away the money she made when she actually had a management team that kept her on a short leash and working.

This was not an easy choice, but by judges decision I have to award Spears the victory. It's a dubious honor for certain, and Gibson only finished slightly ahead of her, yet in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is King.


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The Bulls Run The Show . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 16, 2007 14 comments

The annual running of the bulls last week in Pamplona, Spain was particularly noteworthy thanks to a group of pissed-off bulls, who hurt 13 people during the festival including a nasty goring of a pair of American brothers.

I saw highlights of these maulings, and I have to admit that I was cheering for the bulls.

The running of the bulls is a colorful spectacle full of fear, mockery, "courage" and pure animal instincts. It is fairly bizarre that an entire festival would spring up to allow a bunch of the bulls the chance to even the score with humans who have lorded over and eaten them centuries.

I'm sure the human runners have their reasons for voluntarily choosing to place themselves in harm's way, but I could care less. My amount of sympathy for anyone being gored by thousands of pounds of pissed-off beef is nonexistent despite attendees wanting to "live life to the fullest" or "overcome fear" or any other rationale that precipitates climbing into the streets and running like a bandit.

Bulls are faster than you. They are meaner than you.

And anyone who hasn't heard the expression that if "you mess with the bull, you get the horns" deserves the natural conclusion that occurs when this saying proves to be true.


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Harry Grande Burritos . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, July 15, 2007 14 comments

I woke up yesterday, it was drizzling and on a whim I decided to go see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" at 9:30 a.m. But I was hungry. Damn hungry and I felt it was too early for movie popcorn and only people with low or nonexistent morals choose to eat nachos purchased inside the theater.

So I opted for a bold plan that included smuggling in a contraband "grande breakfast burrito" from a Wendy's close to my loft.

I wore cargo shorts with many deep pockets, an untucked button-down and loaded the burrito in one pocket and a water in the other. Feeling like a fugitive, I made it into the theater without incident, and when the movie began, I quietly unpealed the wrapper and it was then that a potent smell of eggs, potatoes, peppers and onions was unleashed upon the other 30 or so people in the audience.

The two people sitting almost directly behind me whispered "what's that smell?" and looked around in vain. A single man sitting roughly six seats away crinkled his nose, but had no better idea of the culprit.

I was stealthy as a trained ninja and ate only when it was a dark part in the movie and when there were loud noises coming from the scene. It worked to perfection.

Nobody called me it, and it was the ideal meal to eat at 9:30 am on a rainy Saturday when popcorn wouldn't satisfy the lust inside me for a substantial meal.

As for the movie itself, it was proficient and solid and not much else in my mind. It's extremely difficult to condense a 900 page book into 2 1/2 hours of screentime and I thought the filmmakers did a credible job.

The cast of children were uniformly good as they navigated the waters of teen angst and sullen irritation without becoming annoying.

The third Potter film is still the best, but Phoenix can only reasonably be compared to the fourth film which was also based on a mammoth book. I think the previous installment was slightly better than this latest one, but only slightly and I can't recall exactly what I'm basing that opinion on.

On the other hand, I didn't have a tasty burrito to eat during part four, which might just push "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" over "Goblet of Fire" through circumstances beyond the filmmaker's control.


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Quick Hit Friday . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Friday, July 13, 2007 15 comments

"It's better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool," - Mickey Rourke, "Harley Davidson and the Marlborough Man"

I've been in the weeds this week during the my kick-off conference, so I may have missed some vitally important stories like Nicole Richie's trial being postponed and other Earth-shaking issues. That being said, I did learn about some items such as:

Clay Aiken was involved in an airplane disturbance a female passenger recently while en route to Tulsa International Airport.

FBI Special Agent Gary Johnson would not confirm identities, but said the dispute was over the male passenger's foot resting on the woman's armrest and that the woman gave the male passenger a "minor shove" during the argument.

Aiken was also overhead asking an unidentified male passenger is he "wanted to play footsie," an invitation which was declined and may have been an indirect cause of the later incident.

Victoria Beckham has insisted that she doesn't want to launch a movie career in the US. The Spice Girl claimed that she will be turning down any offers that she receives after moving to the States with her family, a move which received a big publicity push during an interview with Matt Lauer this week and a new pictorial in W magazine.

That's very wise of Posh not to jump into movies, but I think you have to be offered roles to officially turn them down (then again, I don't work in Hollywood).

Tori Spelling, the "Beverly Hills, 90210," alum is now an ordained minister, having obtained her certification online in order to marry a gay couple at her bed-and-breakfast

You just know that any marriage officiated by Donna Martin can only end in lifelong happiness.

Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo, kept her crown this week despite photos that show her acting "not in a ladylike manner."

Hours after Polumbo went public Thursday with photos of herself that had been sent anonymously to pageant officials, those officials decided the pictures did not merit stripping her of the title.

Only if Polumbo kept stripping in the pictures would they have stripped her of the title I guess.

US rapper P Diddy has split from his long-term girlfriend and mother of his three children, his publicist has said. The break-up comes just six months after 37-year-old model Kim Porter gave birth to twin girls, D'Lila Star and Jessie James.

My gut feeling is that Diddy sampled women other than Porter at roughly the same rate he sampled other artists for his songs.

It feels like a slow week or I just missed it, but let's end with a gold image anyway:

I am very proud of this shot as I just barely got myself in the frame before the flash went off. We'll leave the rest to the imagination, and with that in mind, visualize yourself in great situations, move towards them and . . . Happy Friday!


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