Moving sucks.
There is no upside to the experience until you have finally emptied the last box in your new place and poured yourself a strong drink.
But until that point, it's all about dealing with expensive movers who don't care that they spill a box of your books onto the street or trying to convince the electric company that you shouldn't have to pay a ridculous $200 deposit for no good reason at all or maybe it's just trying to find a particular item that is hidden among a sea of boxes.
Luckily, that experience is now largely gone, and here's some pics of the new loft near downtown Austin: 
{Rooftop deck where there will be patio furniture, plants, a grill, a mini-fridge, and possibly a hot tub or pool in the next few months}
It's still far from finished, but the worst is over - until the bills for everything start rolling in.
-BDS
I really liked the original "Clerks."
It was my senior year in high school when it came out, and I can still remember turning my friends onto it because I thought it was fresh and funny as hell.
This is no small thing in high school because if the movie sucked then I would have been quickly ranked out unmercifully by my friends.
But it didn't and the movie proved to be both quotable and also possessed the ability to be seen multiple times (another essential in high school).
So, it was with great trepidation that I saw "Clerks 2," but it passed the sniff test - barely. 
1) The movie succeeds by wearing its heart on its sleeve to use a good cliche as this time it's about best friends as much as it is about relationships between guys and girls.
2) Rosario Dawson was a really enjoyable presence in the film. I have always liked her, but often actresses are absolutely horrible when they find themselves in these kind of roles. Dawson, however, pulls it off extremely well.
3) Jay & Silent Bob are used just enough as it's always a slippery slope with this duo. If they are in a Kevin Smith movie too much ("Dogma") or not enough ("Jersy Girl" - although one might argue that they were smart to stay away from this dog) things can get out of hand.
4) The donkey show scene was filthy and wrong and funny and caused at least one critic to walk out in horror. I find that pretty pathetic, but I have always had a thing for donkey shows ever since "Bachelor Party" with Tom Hanks (this is also noted in "Clerks 2."
5) Ben Affleck shows up for roughly one minute of screen time sporting a handlebar mustache, and it's the best film work he's done in years.
All in all, this sequel wasn't a horrible idea, but it in no way compared to the first one.
It's obvious that Smith is at a different place in his life, and although you can't fault him for trying to express those feelings, they just aren't as funny as the riffs you've got going in your early 20s when you've got the world by the balls and endless supply of good friends, laughs and potential to pull you through.
-BDS
Val Kilmer has been in some pretty good movies.
"Real Genius," "Tombstone," "Top Gun," and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" spring immediately to mind.
He's also had some killer lines in those films like "I'm your huckleberry" or "What about that time I found you naked with a bowl full of jello."
And one could argue that his greasy, homo-erotic volleyball game with Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards and some other guy in "Top Gun" made him a sex symbol.
Those days, however, appear to be over: 
This picture is wrong in so many ways as the combination of the pale skin, protruding belly, scraggly chest hair and general sloppiness is a tough one to swallow.
And that hat provides no kind of redemption.
Moving from Val to Nicole Richie is a major reversal, but Richie stepped out again recently to disgust me with her sickly appearance. 
I don't know how those legs support her because they look revolting and like they could crumble into a million tiny pieces at any given moment.
A stiff wind would knock Richie flat on her bony ass, which would provide no cushion and probably shatter her tailbone.
On second thought, she probably shouldn't be walking around at all - she's simply an accident waiting to happen.
-BDS
I hate Dave Navarro.
Actually loathe might be a better word as it seems pretty damn unfair that he gets to marry and now divorce Carmen Electra:
And then he rebounds with Jenna Jameson. 
Who recently became immortalized at Madam Toussad's empire of wax:
I guess it really does pay to be a rock star or a porn star (not that there was ever much doubt in my mind).
-BDS
Although I'm not sure exactly what this blog tagging entails, I have been drafted to answer some questions and that's something I can do.
And without further ado, here's my list the begins and ends with 5 things:
5 Things always in my wallet:
1. Driver's license
2. Credit Cards
3. Cash - Always remember that cash is King and trumps credit cards because it is taken everywhere.
4. Press card from when I was a journalist, which was nearly 5 years ago.
5. Starbucks gift card as I always tend to get these for various occassions and like the coffee even if I hate to pay for it - hence the cards.
5 Things always in my refrigerator:
1. Lots of water
2. Eggs (roughly 36 or so a week).
3. Salsa - good on almost everything.
4. Coffee
5. Beer - If I'm not dieting it's usually Heineken, Negro Modelo, Dos Equis, or Guinness. 
5 Things always in my closet:
1. Square-toed shoes black/brown
2. Shoe polish
3. Fire-proof mini-safe for important stuff and also miscellaneous crap.
4. T-shirts & Button-downs - A good mix of dress/casual is important.
5. Ties - although I haven't worn one in years when I wasn't at a funeral or a wedding. 
5 Things always in my car:
1) Garage door opener
2) Insurance card
3) Change - for making complete dollars at fast-food establishments
4) Microfiber cloth - To clean sunglasses
5) A towel - In the trunk because you just never know when you might need a towel and it has come in handy more than once.
5 Most Recent DVD Purchases:
1) Dazed and Confused: Criterion Collection
2) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
3) Gina Lynn's Dark Side
4) Tombstone - Collector's Edition
5) The Karate Kid - Special Edition
5 Books That Always Make Every Move:
1) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
2) The Curse of Lono - Special Edition - Hunter S. Thompson
3) The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
4) All My Friends Are Going To Be Strangers - Larry McMurtry
5) One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest - Ken Kesey
5 things always on my desk:
1. A flat-screen monitor
2. Phone
3. Printer
4. Ipod - I like to listen to music while I write.
5. Assorted pens/pencils/highlighters and glue - I sometimes like to sniff glue while I write, but the results are less than stellar.
-BDS
Sex is on my brain today, which seems a bit sacreligious considering it's Sunday.
But it's not my fault as I will throw Hollywood under the bus, and more specifically Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen are to blame.
It started with Paris as I was reading my Sunday newspaper when I came across a few ludicrous quotes from the heiress as she discussed her prediliction for humping nearly anyone in her path. 
She told British GQ that "People think I sleep with everyone, but I'm not like that. Kissing is all I do."
She neglected to mention that after she kisses her stable of men that they proceed to screw the hell out of her.
Details.
Hilton went onto say that she wouldn't have sex for a year, and would get by on kissing alone.
If she intends to be successful with this new mission (and I would bet my car/life savings/big toe that she isn't) then she better stay away from Charlie Sheen. 
30 - That's the number of women who Denise Richard's alleges that Sheen sent pictures of his erect penis to either via email or phone.
That's a lot of penis pictures floating around cyberspace, and quite impressive when you consider that the duo weren't married for too long.
It's also another reason for me to think this about Sheen - I might not like the man, but dammit I respect him.
You have to hand it to someone who is willing to just be totally sleazy and have no remorse about it.
And he will never change.
-BDS
It's Friday, and good things tend to happen on this day except for items like this:
This is Melanie Griffith lighting up a cigarrette (sp?) for her 17-year-old daughter in an image of model parenting.
If she didn't appear to be so vacant, I would say that Griffith should know better, but then again, her daughter should also realize that too much smoking and too much bad plastic surgery will cause you to look like this when she's older:
Scary.
I like Vince Vaughn. I think he's a funny guy, and would be a good person to have a beer with, however, this new look for some movie that he's filming is disturbing to me. 
Vaughn looks like a filthy bastard with the suit and goatee.
I hope the role is a good one because this look says to me: There's no low and nothing that I wouldn't do in the right circumstances. This is the kind of person who would clog up your toilet and then wipe their ass on your curtains before quietely leaving your place and never mentioning it again.
But maybe that's the kind of role he playing, and in that case, more power to him.
I hate to end negatively, so let's include one more picture of Pam Anderson frolicking in a bikini in St. Tropez. 
Surgery and gravity and decency be damned - in the words of that poet Ricky Martin "she bangs."
But I'm sure Kid Rock already knew that before he married her.
-BDS
{Editor's Note: 2 Dollar Productions does not make it a habit to disparage calorie-enhanced individuals unless that individual is a bloated Brandon Davis or Rosie O'Donnell - in which case all bets are off.}
It's been too long without a little evil, and consequently it's time for another battle and this time it is all about flesh.
A lot of flesh. 
{This is a man as I was confused upon my first look and thought him to be female}
I think the clear winner in this brouhaha of excess epidermis is the grotesquely overweight 10 year-old.
The first picture showcases a grown man who has made his bed (figuratively not literally as it appears to be quite messy in the image) and now he must lie in it while eating an entire cake by himself.
But he's obviously a full-grown adult. An adult who has been able to make his own choices about food, exercise, cake, seeing his toes and other such things for many years.
I might feel bad for him, however, there are likely many elements that he could have controlled which would have altered his fate and not left him all alone and eating a gigantic cake while sitting buck naked on an unmade bed.
It's about choices people.
The kid is a different story, and his parents should be locked up.
There's no way he should be 10-years-old and this large. It's possible he has some sort of crazy medical disease, but it's more likely a set of over-indulgent parents who give into his whims of playing video games, looking at the Internet and shoveling mass quantities of food into his mouth.
They should have made him do something outside that involved running and playing and limiting his calorie intake wouldn't hurt either.
Therefore, another round is over, and I have to declare the second picture as the worst one in this battle for supremacy.
The only question that remains regards our old friend the cake lady:
As I stared at the first picture, I had to wonder if her shirt was just a playful boast or if she would be driven mad with lust to see a naked man and a cake in the same room.
I guess we'll never know.
-BDS
It's been a classy week around the world and here's the pics to prove it:
This was Mad Mel just a few hours before his DWI arrest as he was drinking and carousing and hugging every woman on the patio of some Malibu restauraunt.
He looks like he's having a good time here, and it's hard to believe how bad things would get in such a quick time span.
And look at those forearms.
Who knew that he was such a hairy bastard as those things look like they belong attached to a caveman, which might explain some of Gibson's drunken ramblings later in the night.
Across the pond, the shores of St. Tropez were ringing with the first of 4 planned weddings between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. 
I applaud the duo for throwing class and tradition to the wind and just partying like a couple of sailors on shore leave and then deciding to get married too.
And while Pam's face is looking a wee rough these days, her body is still working for me.
Saline be damned.
Who am I kidding? I could never stay mad at you.
-BDS
1) This movie makes you want to be filthy, stinking rich. I don't mean well-off or upper middle-class.
I mean flat-out, wipe my ass with $100 bills rich. Everyone in this movie has boats, cars, houses, jets & clothing that makes you feel really bad about your current situation after leaving the theater. The fact that these same people with the mega-money are all drug dealers, pimps and scumbags with extremely short life spans is only a minor deterrent. Details. 
{This is a car that is driven by Farrel in the film}
2) There is very little actual dialogue in this movie, which is about style, visuals, music and bullets. This combination is a feast for the eyes and actual talking can take a back seat when the music and the scenery are this cool. 
3) I like movies that aren't afraid to be rated R. Screw going for the biggest possible demographic with a PG-13 rating - this movie needed to be and is a full-on R due to violence and sex.
4) Colin Farrel's fu manchu in the movie is awesome. Facial hair is a tricky thing, but whoever let him go with this look was a smart individual because it gave him some added weight or gravitas or something that benefitted the entire movie. 
5) That being said, I hate when actors decide that they need to talk tough by growling every line they utter. Farrel falls into this trap as his dialogue all sounds like he's gargling glass, which is a poor substitute for actual line readings.
"Miami Vice" was much better than I anticipated despite a rather pedestrian undercover police plot.
The plot is secondary to the visuals and it provided a great escape where all situations were intense and fraught with danger. This scenery combined with the exotic locales, good-looking cast and erection-inducing transportation culiminates in an entertaining film that is worth at least a matinee price.
Now I just need to work on getting more money immediately and I think the local 7-11 has a lottery ticket with my name on it.
-BDS
"They can take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom," - William Wallace (Mel Gibson) "Braveheart"
By now the word has spread that Mel Gibson was arrested for DWI recently, but new reports are also starting to trickle out that Gibson was particularly drunk and extremely nasty to the arresting officers. 
The trouble started when it became obvious to Gibson that unlike William Wallace the Malibu PD really was going to his freedom away from him.
The police report says Gibson said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.
Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."
The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"
The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"
A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
We're told Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "f****d" he was and how he was going to "f***" Deputy Mee. 
That is a lot of fucks for one night, but I'm sure the police knew that Gibson's threats rang hollow because if you've had that much to drink it's hard enough to get it up for one round of fucking much less all the people who he threatened.
And if he would have just kept his mouth shut, his life wouldn't be 'fucked' either.
It's not uncommon for people in Hollywood to be arrested for DWIs, however, when you add in the anti-semitism and just generally being an asshole it makes for a much nastier story.
But I have to admit that the sugar tits line did make me laugh.
Mel Gibson - what a comedian.
-BDS
I thought that I'd posted enough disgusting images this week that I felt compelled to regain my karmic balance by posting something hot. 
I've had a firm appreciation for Skyy Vodka ads for years as I think nearly all of them have been first-class advertising.
They almost always feature a prominent shot of the vodka and two good-looking people who either just got it on, are about to get it on or just really want to get it on.
And I like the consistency of the message - people who drink Skyy vodka love to screw and drink vodka and maybe not in that order.
I would also like to point out that not all racy images get to me because some are just in poor taste and have the opposite effect.
For some reason, however, Skyy Vodka has me figured out and I can still recall one night several years ago when I ordered a vodka tonic at a club and the bartender then asked me what type of vodka I wanted in my drink.
I was stunned for a second (still in the early 20s) and images of Vodka's past flashed through my head:
1) McCormicks - I used to drink this horrible crap in high school and early college because it was cheap and got the job done.
2) Absolute - Started switching over sometime in college.
3) Grey Goose - Good stuff, but I feathered the goose much too hard one night and have had a difficult time drinking it since then.
In desperation my mind finally seized upon a half-naked woman by a pool with a Skyy Vodka and a willing pool boy nearby.
So, I went with Skyy Vodka for the drink.
Who says advertising doesn't work?
-BDS
I don't feel the need to constantly criticize celebrities for looking horrendous, and I generally feel that there's a surplus of irritating snark on the Internet but lately I just can't stay away from brutal sights like this: 
This was Mariah Carrey at a recent appearance where she was singing, dancing and working up a nasty sweat that makes me want to stay far away from her.
She is working those Daisy Duke shorts in ways that should never be done to any amount of denim, and I bet they stink to high heaven.
It's tough work putting on a show for your fans, however, Mariah should seriously consult her makeup team because they have let her down in a big way.
And now I am forced to comment on it, although this is the last time for awhile as I would much rather look at things that excite me than those that repulse me.
In a different late news item, former 'N Sync member Lance Bass admitted to People magazine that he is gay. 
In a related story - the sun rose in the East.
-BDS
Some things go together like Peanut Butter & Chocolate or Ben & Jerry or drinking & Taco Bell, but then there are times where two items get smashed together for no good reason.
And so it goes with my linking Oprah Winfrey and Tara Reid.
There's nothing that ties these two women together as Tara is a slightly deranged, frequently drunk actress in need of credability and a job while Winfrey has more money than she knows what to do with.
Both women came onto my radar this week, although the reasons were quite different.
Oprah has made news lately by venhemently denying that she has had a lesbian relationship with her friend Gayle King. 
Some might say she has been denying it too loudly and too often, but I'm not one of those conspiracy theorists.
What I would say to her is this: When you're trying to assert your heterosexuality don't tell stories like this one:
"When I was 22 years old and working as a TV anchor in Baltimore, there was a young production assistant in the newsroom, Gayle King. One night there was a snowstorm and she couldn't get home. I said, 'Hey, you can spend the night at my house.' She said, 'I don't have any panties.' I said, 'Well, I do. I have clean panties, and once I give 'em to you, you don't have to give 'em back.'"
This story is just plain wrong on so many levels, and the strangest thing is that she would tell it to news outlets for a purpose that it just didn't accomplish in mind.
Moving onto someone who I no longer care what her panties look like, Tara Reid came to my attention after she was seen poolside drinking and hanging out - literally. 
Ouch.
It's a long way downward spiral since "American Pie" for Tara, but I hate to take delight in the descent as "Taradaise" was such a spectacularly entertaining train wreck that I can never wish her too much bad luck.
I do wish, however, that she would never stand that way again because it's about as sexy as a hernia exam - which is extremely minimal.
-BDS
It's one thing to have a bad hair or face or body day, but then there are also times like this:
And you know your day has gone to absolute shit when your surgically-enhanced boobs decide to droop and feature enough space between them to park a half-ton truck.
Paula Abdul has enough issues with reality, medication and coherant conversation that you have to feel slightly bad for her because it seems like she took some time to put herself together to venture into public and yet this is the best that she could manage.
On the other hand, she is making a ton of money from "American Idol" and she did get to dance with MC Skat Cat back in the early 90s, so she'll just have to take the good with the bad.
And in this case the truly awful.
-BDS
Although my motivation is lacking, I've decided to give this NYC modeling gig one more shot.
My nutritionist recently held a long discussion with the modeling agent and the topic was my body. Specifically, it was about the exact dimensions that my body needs to attain to earn a free trip to New York and an introduction into print ads, magazine covers and commercials.
And although it wasn't mentioned I would hope that it also means a free pass to parties and scenes from Roman times complete with ample food and drink and drugs and orgies - minus the vomitorioums. 
"It won't be easy or any fun at all," my nutritionist warned me, and he is currently devising a hellacious 8 - 12 week program that will be absent of many things that makes life worth living.
That means no booze, sugar, refined grains, milk, dope, starches, and fat. On the plus side, there will be plenty of egg whites and protein powder.
The plan is to start the program in mid-August when I can focus my energies on this project with the idea being to peak in October.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my freedom of food choices and plan to consume a lot of barbecue and Tex-Mex and Shiner Boch beer.
I also plan to start working on my model expression of "I don't care about any aspect of your existence and wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire" look. It should look something like this: 
It's far from perfect, but it's a start as this one was taken by my brother while we were attending my best friend's wedding in Ireland.
But that's neither here nor there, and I think there's an ice-cold Dos Equis in the freezer calling my name.
The plain oatmeal and chicken breasts will have to wait for now.
-BDS
These battles are not getting any easier and now Star Jones has leapt into the fray. 
In the latest round of evil things it's t-shirt slogans that have locked these two firece combatants into a brouhaha.
Although I do own a couple of t-shirts with pithy sayings, I've always felt that if you have to wear something clever on your body then you're probably not a very clever person in real life.
But the winner (or loser) in this case is clearly Star Jones who has had a bad run of luck recently as first she gets fired from "The View" and now she loses this contest by the decree of 2 Dollar Productions.
The cake girl most likely has a good sense of humor in order to wear that shirt, but I have a suspicion that Mrs. Jones actually believes that she is indeed a "trophy wife."
Nothing could be farther from the truth, however, and if Star is the trophy for winning anything then I can guarantee you that I'd be throwing that game.
-BDS
Naomi Campbell might be one of the best-looking people walking this planet, but she is also a flat-out terrifying bitch with a nasty temper, powerful hands for dealing out cell phone blows to her hired help and the morals of rabid wolverine. 
In her latest round of bizarre and violent behavior, Campbell allegedly caused over $50,000 worth of damage to her boyfriend's yacht.
And once again it was the hired help that set her off.
The trigger that caused the ferocious supermodel to destroy fittings and furniture aboard the vessel was something universal that I'm sure we can all relate to as an unrelenting cause of anxiety and pain - A tomato, mozzarella and dried ham appetizer with white wine sauce.
The dish did not meet Campbell's satisfaction, and when the cook shouted back at the model, a furious Campbell is said to have begun throwing around items.
"All hell seemed to break loose," an onlooker told an English tabloid. "All you could hear was shouting and screaming in English. There was the sound of plates being broken. Some of the crew later said the kitchen was a complete mess and the curtains and cushions had all been ripped apart."
Naomi better reign herself in or she will be putting those fighting skills to use in jail as she is currently defending herself against 3 lawsuits brought by former employees. 
{Editor's Note: Real prison will probably be nothing like the fictional one presented in this film.}
I'm not sure about the exact circumstances around those cases, however, Campbell's temper has gone completely over the edge because anyone who can justify throwing a tantrum when you're dining on Italian cuisine aboard a high-priced yacht needs to get some real problems.
I can only imagine how much damage Campbell would do if she was ever forced to mail something at a U.S. Post Office.
Scary.
-BDS
Keira Knightly recently admitted that anorexia runs in her family, but the announcement was no surprise to me after she turned up at a "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" premiere looking like this -
Talk about a Dead Man's Chest.
Knightly's sunken and emaciated chest was distressing to me because I generally think she's one of the best looking actresses in Hollywood.
And while her face is still fine, Keira's new body would be about as much fun to touch as a 90-year-old woman after her feeding tube was removed.
Obviously I have never experienced such a sensation, however, the image just came to me after seeing this picture and I only hope that Knightly puts some weight back on in a hurry.
Anorexia may run in her family, but she needs to run to Burger King and order the left side of the menu.
-BDS
