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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, August 29, 2007

{This is the thirteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Harp were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* When you're done peeing, if you shake your penis more than 3 - 5 times then you're playing with yourself.

* It is never a good idea for a man to wear jean shorts. Wear jeans or shorts, but don't combine the two.

* It's a universal truism that nearly every man knows what you're referring to when you utter "Squeal like a pig," and despite the laughter it provokes, it's a nervous laughter.

* Never eat yellow snow.

* Sonic boasts the best ice in the entire world

* A fine way to end a job interview which is going poorly is by responding to a question - not with a verbal answer - but by pulling out a 2 lb. lobster from your briefcase and placing it on the employer's desk. Say absolutely nothing, and nod your head authoritatively.

* Spearing a woman on the dance floor will never win you any points with any woman you actually want to take home.

* It must be tough for jailers to keep from laughing when discussing the penal code all day long.

* Despite numerous claims, not all strippers are attending medical or law school, however, they are ALL finance majors in life.

* Never eat nachos at a movie theater, but always eat them at a ballgame.

* “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” - Benjamin Franklin



  1. Helloooo Drunken Viking - more sage words from the depths of a hangover. Thanks.

  2. I've heard that shaking you penis theory before, but 3-5 times does nothing for me after peeing...perhaps I have exceptionally long foreskin.

    regarding your previous post: Charlize Theron was a marvel of nature in that beauty. few have ever looked better.

  3. Miss Ash Says:
  4. What does "Squeal like a pig" refer to???

    If by spearing a woman you mean going up behind her whilst poking (not using your fingers) and uttering "you feel that, that's for you" then EWE, you're right it will get you nowhere. I had it happen once or twice bleh!!!

  5. Carmel Says:
  6. All the money looks so good!!

  7. Anonymous Boxer - Thanks as it feels good to be somewhat productive when faced with one.

    Idig - You're dead-right about Theron. No comment on foreskin. But regardless, no matter how much shaking is involved it never quite does the job.

    Miss Ash - Squeal like a pig is a line from "Deliverance" in a scene where Ned Beatty gets raped by some toothless mountain men. Not pretty. And yes, that's spearing, but I like your additional dialogue. Ha.

    Carmel - Maybe you're a stripper at heart. Ha. Actually, it looks pretty good to me too.

  8. Wendy Says:
  9. Hey, my boss thought that lobster thing was hil-freakin-larious. Oh, wait. I'm self-employed. Perhaps that's why.

  10. Tiara Girl Says:
  11. ...Drinking on a TUESDAY - DEPLORABLE !!!

  12. Wendy - Then you have the greatest boss in the world. Also, there's no HR department, which I think is a major benefit.

    Tiara Girl - I read somewhere that Tuesday is the new Thursday. They might be lying.

  13. How much alcohol had to be consumed to arrive at the lobster conclusion? Or is that a Monty Python sketch I have yet to see?

  14. Stephanie Says:
  15. Did anyone ever consider that so many of the snacks they sell at movie theater concessions stands are crunchy? And that cruncher always sits behind me. And now they put plastic on everything so it rattles. Very annoying!

  16. WhatIgot - It does sound like a Python sketch, but I don't think it is as my brother and I have discussed this scenario at length - a disturbing issue in and of itself.

    Stephanie - They should ban noisy people - whether eating chips or talking - from theaters and flog them repeatedly. I'm serious.

  17. vivavavoom Says:
  18. love the viking series! since I do not have a penis I will take your word for it. the lobster thing is classic, but where do you put it for the begining of the interview?

    saw deliverance years ago.. amazing how one film has 3 things I will never forget....that line, the kid on the porch that was a obvious product of imbreeding and that dueling banjos song.....

  19. cats Says:
  20. martin luther said it was a sin to brew a bad beer... which is why i only drink really good beer.

    said elaine to george: "honestly, i don't know how you walk around with those things." (that's a verbatim seinfield quote since the only one i can remember clearly is "these pretzels are making me thirsty." mmm beer and pretzels.)

  21. Vivavavoom - Those dueling banjos do stick in your head, eh? As for the lobster, keep your briefcase/bag closed with the crustacean inside and then spring it out at the end. They're very quiet.

    Cats - Good Seinfeld quote as I remember it, just not the context. But I'm asking for a few seasons on DVD for Xmas this year, so I'll catch up soon enough. And yes, I try to only drink good beer, although slumming is good under certain circumstances.

  22. Robert Says:
  23. I can play Dueling Banjos on a banjo. That always brings up the "you've gotta purty mouth" line.

  24. I bet it does, and I wish I could play those dueling banjos for that reason alone.

  25. Blogger Says:
  26. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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