"I'm sorry I made you clean the bathroom and the toilets, but who did all the work in bed?" - Andrew Dice Clay, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" 
It's hard to imagine why Dice didn't have a longer career (not really), but I refuse to ponder this too deeply as I have a long Labor Day Weekend coming right up and before that can happen I need to tackle tough stories like:
Owen Wilson attempted to commit suicide this week by slitting his wrists, and reports circulated that he has been using cocaine, Oxycontin and heroin recently. 
I like both Wilson brothers as actors, and simply hope that any person who boasts an awesome nickname like "The Butterscotch Stallion" finds reason enough to live.
The new season of "Dancing with the Stars" announced the cast this week which included Mark Cuban, Scary Spice, Jane Seymour and Wayne Newton among others. 
I haven't watched an episode of this show, however, I am morbidly interested to watch to see if Newton breaks into a million pieces as he's roughly 108 years old under all the makeup and surgery.
Leona Helmsley, the recently expired "Queen of Mean" left $12 million to her pampered pooch in her will. 
I suppose there really is one rich bitch who I wouldn't sleep with walking around now.
Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael, claims her mother, Dina, "does cocaine" as well as that his ex-wife is not allowing him access to their children.
Michael - the former convict - was quoted by PerezHilton's website as saying: "I'll give you a videotape of someone who told me, 'Michael, I know for a fact that Dina does cocaine because I delivered it to the house to her.' That's recently, about six months ago."
It's really shocking that Lohan has been to rehab 3 times this year with such outstanding role models nurturing her all these years.
A new Britney Spears single, reportedly titled “Gimme More,” is rumored to be ready to drop as soon as next week, EW.com reported.
‘‘People are going to love (the new single),‘‘ a source reportedly said. ‘‘It’s like when Justin came back (with FutureSex/LoveSounds) — she’s got a whole new sound. She’s funky.‘’
If the source is describing Spears's smell as "funky," then I might buy it, but it appears to be the music and I'll be reserving judgment on that front.
David Letterman will make his first appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show next month, an announcement meant to prove that the reported bad blood between the two is a thing of the past.
Was there ever a longer feud that was more boring as at least the Trump-Rosie feud had nasty insults to go along with it? This one has just stalled in a boring swamp of nothingness for years and years and years.
But let's bury the hatchet, and end things on a high note with this: 
I generally do not labor on this weekend, however, I might make an exception in the name of altruism to help this poor woman. Regardless of your own personal charity, everybody enjoy the time off, help those in need and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the thirteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Harp were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* When you're done peeing, if you shake your penis more than 3 - 5 times then you're playing with yourself.
* It is never a good idea for a man to wear jean shorts. Wear jeans or shorts, but don't combine the two. 
* It's a universal truism that nearly every man knows what you're referring to when you utter "Squeal like a pig," and despite the laughter it provokes, it's a nervous laughter.
* Never eat yellow snow.
* Sonic boasts the best ice in the entire world
* A fine way to end a job interview which is going poorly is by responding to a question - not with a verbal answer - but by pulling out a 2 lb. lobster from your briefcase and placing it on the employer's desk. Say absolutely nothing, and nod your head authoritatively. 
* Spearing a woman on the dance floor will never win you any points with any woman you actually want to take home.
* It must be tough for jailers to keep from laughing when discussing the penal code all day long.
* Despite numerous claims, not all strippers are attending medical or law school, however, they are ALL finance majors in life.
* Never eat nachos at a movie theater, but always eat them at a ballgame.
* “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” - Benjamin Franklin
-BDS
{This is the eighth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"2 Days in the Valley" was released more than 10 years ago, and featured an ensemble cast that counted James Spader, Charlize Theron, Teri Hatcher, Jeff Daniels, Eric Stoltz, and Danny Aiello among the participants.
The project was a black comedy that took notes from "Pulp Fiction," but the results didn't add up to a great movie, merely a decent one that is worth a look if you have 90 minutes to kill on a Sunday afternoon. Even if you don't want to invest in the entire film, however, "2 Days in the Valley" is worth renting to watch the killer sex scene between Spader and Theron, who has never looked better in a film than she does here. 
Fresh from the shower, Theron sports a white teddy and an attitude that I thoroughly enjoyed as she argues with and then mounts Spader on the bed. Theron looks amazing . So amazing in fact that Spader is forced to jump from the bed and jam a handful of ice down his shorts lest he end the scene prematurely.
Viewers are rewarded by Spader's foresight as he returns to the bed, and then the action really takes off with Theron straddling him before he rips open her teddy to reveal an award-winning pair of breasts.
The slap and tickle session continues briefly following Spader's lingerie tearing, but unfortunately not long enough for my tastes. But regardless, the Spader/Theron tryst featured enough hotness to qualify as an all-time great, and also makes me bemoan the fact that Theron got famous enough to where she rarely does nudity anymore.
Selah.
-BDS {http://www.pefs.us/viewvideo.php?id=_w5YqEqPDdc} - Link to clip of the scene
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Matinee. I have a hard time paying full price for any comedy, however, you could argue that the $8 was worth it if you wanted to have a larger audience to laugh with during the film.
Will I Own It On DVD: Yes. 
1) "Superbad" was a funny movie, but my problem was that I built it up too much in my mind prior to the screening. This is always a problem as "Superbad" wasn't quite as hilarious as I thought it would be, however, I still had a good time from the simple premise of two high school kids trying to score booze and get laid - a timeless theme. 
2) Michael Cera (TV's "Arrested Development") made the movie for me as he is a master at the awkard pause, and hilariously mundane responses to conversational situations. Jonah Hill is typically better in small doses as his starring role in "Superbad" borders his outer limits because I found him mildly irritating during certain stretches.
3) Seth Rogen sports a sweet handlebar mustache in his role as an understanding police officer. He also continues to display excellent comic timing this summer as he followed "Knocked Up" with this solid supporting part. 
4) This movie makes me glad I don't have a daughter in high school as hooking up seems easier than ever, and almost like breathing. It also makes me wish I was still in high school - at least for a few parties here & there.
5) "Superbad" is an above-average comedy, but with all the hype around the project, I believe it's also a commentary on just how putrid most comedies are these days that a simple film like this can garner so much buzz.
"Superbad" was a fitting way to cap this summer movie season as it was consistently funny with a core sentiment about evolving friendship that lies underneath all the drinking, cursing and sex.
So, ignore the buzz and escape the heat because there are far worse places to be in August than laughing inside a cool movie theater.
-BDS
" . . . Because I'm a fucking caveman," - Clive Owen, "Closer"
I wish I could crawl into a cool, dark cave somewhere as it's hot as hell, but then I would miss stories like:
Kevin Federline will guest star in a series of shows in the upcoming season of the CW's "One Tree Hill." The aspiring rapper will portray a cocky rock singer, said a publicist for the show.
The part was originally written as a cocky rapper, but then changed because K-Fed was deemed to be wholly unbelievable in that role when his debut album, Playing w/ Fire, was examined.
Britney Spears has reportedly let a chance to record a duet with Justin Timberlake slip away. According to the New York Post’s Page Six, Spears was supposed to record a song with JT and the track was going to be produced by hit-maker Timbaland before Spears cancelled at the last minute. 
Her publicist cited the fact that Spears was "too busy being stone cold crazy" to record with Timberlake.
Lindsay Lohan escaped felony charges Thursday when prosecutors filed seven misdemeanor counts against her stemming from two drunken-driving arrests.
Lohan then reached a plea deal that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug-treatment program.
I'm no legal expert, but it seems like 7 misdemeanors should equal at least 1 felony - or maybe the DA felt that Lohan's appearance in "I Know Who Killed Me" was punishment enough.
Ryan Seacrest was named host of the 59th Emmy ceremony for prime-time programs this week.
"It's obviously an honor," Seacrest told the Daily News yesterday. "It's very flattering to be on a list of contenders."
Seacrest celebrated with a manicure, a facial and a prank call to Brian Dunkleman.
Singer Amy Winehouse has pulled out of a string of concerts in the US and Canada next month to "address her health", her publicist has said.
I think "addressing her health" is British slang for trying to stop using drugs every single day of the week.
Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.
"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Officer Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in."
Murray should have cited "Groundhog Day," "Stripes," "Rushmore," and "Lost in Translation" and told the Swedes that he's made those movies and has earned the right to drink and drive a slow-moving golf cart on the streets of Sweden any time he feels like it.
Jenna Jameson admitted that she recently had her breast implants removed, and is very happy with the results. 
In a related story, I cried this week.
But let's not end with tears, and instead, focus on the positives like this: 
If your packing didn't go as planned, then ask for help, keep your wits about you and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I got tagged recently with a list of Fours, so here goes it:
Four jobs I've had or currently have in my life:
1. First job that I ever had was as a linesman for children's soccer. It wasn't a bad gig at the time, but I doubt I would do it now as parents have gotten worse and turned into animals about their children's sporting activities.
2. My initial job after college was writing for a daily newspaper as I was the police/fire/court reporter, which meant that I covered anything bad that happened. I also had a column about the Citizen's Police Academy that I was asked to join, and eventually gave the keynote address at graduation.
3. For several years, I worked as a personal trainer with a sideline gig as a fitness model. 
4. My current job is in the technology industry for reasons that are not entirely clear, but I think it's good to diversify and keep things interesting.
Four countries I have been to:
1. Italy - Went to Rome, Florence and Sienna. Great trip.
2. Spain - Madrid and Valencia and Bunol, where I participated in the Tomatina festival and barely made it out alive. 
3. Netherlands - I've been to Amsterdam twice, although I barely remember the second time so I'm not sure if that counts.
4. Ireland - Dublin and Cork to visit my best friend and watch him get married.
Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. Tahiti.
2. My loft.
3. Switzerland
4. A movie theater.
Four foods I like to eat:
1. Chilean Sea Bass.
2. Chicken Fried Steak.
3. Crab Cakes.
4. Barbecue.
Four personal heroes, past or present:
1. Hunter S. Thompson 
2. Jackie Robinson
3. Great uncle
4. Attila the Hun
Four books you've just read or are currently reading:
1. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon - Excellent read filled with a love of literature, Dickensonian characteristics and a vivid sense of Barcelona.
2. The Savage Detectives - Roberto Bolano - Just about to start this one.
3. World's End - T.C. Boyle - I wouldn't place it at the top of his work, but impressive nonetheless.
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Had to finish the series, and Rowling did a very solid job wrapping things up in a satisfying manner.
Due to rule changing somewhere along the line, here's where you are suppose to add your own new question.
Four songs that would be played at your funeral:
1) To Live is To Fly - Townes Van Zandt
2) Nobody Knows Me - Lyle Lovett
3) You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones (I don't give a shit that it was featured in the Big Chill)
4) I Ain't Ever Satisfied - Steve Earle
-BDS
For some strange reason, I woke up with sex on the brain this morning and when I took a brief tour through Cyberspace, it only added to the problem as it seems that everyone is concerned with the same issue.
First, I stumbled across this quote from the giant-breasted, English pin-up Jordan who said:
“I’m thinking of having my vagina tightened. After having three kids, I’d really notice the difference. By the time I’m finished I’ll be like a nun.” - Jordan
I'm not sure how common this type of surgery is nor do I consider myself anything more than an amateur Doctor of the female form, yet I would volunteer to counsel and consult with Jordan before she made any rash decisions. 
Then, I read that guitarist Dave Navarro has just directed his own hardcore porno movie - Dave Navarro: Broken.
The feature-length movie has an all-star cast of adult performers, including Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, Victoria Sin, Audrey Bitoni, Kayla Page, Lisa Daniels, Tommy Gunn, Marco Banderas, Mark Davis and Spyder Jonez.
“I got into this because I have a lot of friends in the business,” says Navarro. “One aspect to bring up — you know, I’ve been around the music business for years and years and I watched it spiral into absolute bullshit and nothingness and become the same old, safe regurgitated things that the corporate world is trying to shove down the public’s throat. But in terms of edge and the taboo factor, it doesn’t seem to exist anymore [in music] — and to me, this seems like the only art form out there that’s exciting, shocking and taboo, yet there’s a huge market for it.”
I'm not sure I follow Navarro's logic about becoming bored with his music so making porno seemed like the only outlet, however, I bet he can pull this off because as long as Navarro keeps the angles and the lighting going then he's already won the battle because if anybody is looking for plot then you're in the wrong genre.
Finally, Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine apparently told some Russian news outlet that Maria Sharapova was less than thrilling in bed. 
“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.” - Adam Levine
Ouch. The flip side of that coin is that maybe Levine is no good at all and Sharapova was concentrating on someone better.
I was hoping this partial list would be a cathartic purging as I have a client call in 30 minutes, and don't want to slip into anything unprofessional. Until then, I will stay off the web and focus my energies into productive channels versus the gutter where my brain awoke this morning.
-BDS
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Full price. This film was easily the best Threequel I've seen this summer, and slightly better than the second installment.
Will I Own It On DVD: Yes. I have the first two, and will definitely round out the set when it is released. 
1) This film was a fitting way to conclude this surprisingly good franchise (and let's hope they don't decide to make a Fourth one to really cash in) as it boasts a frantic pace that rarely let's up, and provides answers to a fair share of the questions which have driven Jason Bourne from the beginning.
2) There's a lot of debate on exactly how this installment merges with the second film, "The Bourne Supremacy." I have my own theories, but if you haven't seen 'Supremacy' for awhile, you would do well to rent/buy it prior to 'Ultimatum.'
3) One of the best scenes in the movie finds Damon eluding authorities in Tangier while trying to track down a hired killer. The best parts find him jumping from building to building, diving into open windows and eventually finding his target.
4) The entire Bourne series features excellent up-close fighting sequences, and 'Ultimatum' features another great one as Damon squares off for an extended and brutal altercation that bests the newspaper scene in 'Supremacy.'
5) I'm a sucker for films with lots of exotic European locations, and 'Ultimatum' fits that bill as it made me want to book a flight immediately after leaving the theater (and I would if the dollar wasn't in the toilet right now).
"The Bourne Ulitmatum" is an excellent way to end this franchise. Damon continues to create a compelling character while speaking roughly 20 lines of dialogue during the entire film, and the supporting cast is top-notch.
If you needed a reason to get out of the August heat, this movie certainly provides a welcome respite and it is easily one of the best movies of the summer.
-BDS
"Hello pussy," - Louis Gossett Jr., "An Officer and a Gentleman"
It's been a hectic week at work, and August in Austin is the worst month of the year, however, there's always celebrity nonsense to distract from life's little burdens with stories like:
Kevin Federline has carefully documented and crafted an argument to wrest his children away from Britney Spears as his lawyers subpoenaed an assistant to the pop star, and have plans for more in an attempt to portray Spears as unfit for motherhood. 
K-Fed has hired a crack legal team to conduct the matter, but a team of monkeys could also put together a case based on the amount of public evidence that Spear's has contributed showing her fragile grasp on reality.
Van Halen have announced a tour of America, which will see front man Dave Lee Roth playing with the band for the first time in 22 years.
I wouldn't mind hearing a little "Panama" and "Hot for Teacher" again, but Roth better be careful if he tries to "Jump" or else he'll end up in the hospital.
O.J. Simpson's hypothetical account of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson will be printed by a New York publisher as the deal was struck on behalf of the family of Ron Goldman, who was murdered along with Brown Simpson at her Los Angeles home in 1994.
A federal judge last month gave the rights to the book, entitled "If I Did It," to Goldman's family, who are owed $33.5 million in damages by Simpson.
Two questions: 1) Who is going to buy this book? 2) Why does the title include the word "If"?
It was reported this week that Amy Winehouse's mother-in-law has called the singer a heroin and cocaine addict. Winehouse is supposedly in a treatment facility following a trip to the hospital recently that was allegedly due to massive drug consumption.
I can't say I'm surprised by either revelation because when you're biggest hit concerns people trying to send you to "Rehab," then it's probably only a matter of time before you actually end up there.
In potential new couple news, it's being speculated that Cameron Diaz and John Mayer have been spending time together. 
And somewhere else, Justin Timberlake is with Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson is with her father, which is disgusting.
Jimmy Fallon, former Saturday Night Live actor, proposed to his girlfriend, movie producer Nancy Juvonen.
Juvonen would have received a bigger engagement ring if Fallon had decided to stick around "SNL" versus making putrid films like "Taxi," but her reps state that she's not bitter at all.
Let's end with a gold image per usual: 
On an unrelated note, August is a great time for watermelons and I do love that fruit, so head to your local farmer's market, gently shake the produce and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
It's 100 degrees in Austin, and if you're outside then you better be near water or you will soon be drowning in a pool of your own sweat. With beach season still firmly in place, here's a few reminders about good swimwear choices as well as more dubious decisions.
It's just painful to see what has happened to Jenna Jameson:
Especially since she used to look like this:
Brutal.
Carmen Electra, however, knows exactly how to fill out a swimsuit:
Electra could pass on some advice to Uma Thurman who could use a little support judging by this picture: 
It's easy to stand back and pass judgment on swimwear, but at the end of the day, even if you're wearing a burlap sack with some dental floss attached, it still means that you're near a body of water, so things could be far worse.
-BDS
