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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, June 20, 2007

{This is the eleventh in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few Palomas and Red Stripes were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* I have a strong dislike for general citizens who drive cars that either look like cop cars or used to be cop cars because I believe that they take a perverse thrill in my adrenaline spike when I cruise past one going 75 MPH.

* Nobody gets to choose their own nickname, but if you subtly drop hints or come up with a recurring theme about yourself, you can certainly alter the outcome.

* I don't care how famous you are or how the question is phrased, if you start referring to yourself in the 3rd person you sound like a flaming asshole.

* How do the creators of Muzak ever stay awake long enough to mix it together?

* I cannot envision myself ever stepping foot inside an Olive Garden.

* If your middle toe is longer than your big toe then I am suspicious of you and your hidden agenda.

* Some guys can rock a mustache (Tom Selleck) - most cannot and end up looking like sleazy porn star extras.

* Speaking of the adult industry, I imagine that in the back of every pizza deliveryman's mind is the slight hope that one day the door will open to reveal 2 girls in see-through Teddies who really "want to party."

* As a general rule, women with hyphenated last names tend to be a bit high strung, and also have a higher tendency to be mean as a rattlesnake in my experience.

* I love thongs (to clarify: on women). That's it.

* If a guy calls another guy "pussy-whipped" it typically means that the guy hurling the accusation is simply not getting any.

* "Work is the curse of the drinking class," - Oscar Wilde



  1. The drunken Viking is actually pretty sharp this morning, despite the over-serving of Palomas.

    Olive Garden - Agree -it's up there with not picking up hitchhikers or opening files from people I don't know.

  2. Wendy Says:
  3. I believe that, in some cultures, a longer second toe signifies aristocracy. I'm definitely a peasant.

    As for nicknames, I want to be a professional poker player so I can have a cool one.

    Mustaches: my husband can carry it off. 22 years of marriage and I still think he's one sexy beast.

  4. Anonymous Boxer - Thanks as the brain feels fuzzy, and the non-opening of files is a good parallel for the Garden. Very good.

    Wendy - Lucky you as your husband can stand proudly among Selleck and others. And you definitely need a cool nickname for poker - it's a moral imperative.

  5. m Says:
  6. Love the nickname observation. In all honesty, I know a guy who has been trying to get people to call him "Viking" for years. It's kind of a joke now, like George Costanza getting "Coco"instead of "T-Bone."

  7. Are you sure you were drunk when you came to these realizations? They sound pretty clear headed to me. One thing for sure, men who call other men PW are most often jealous for the exact reason you said - they aren't getting any. In fact to take it one step further, when a woman hurls that accusation at man, it either means the they aren't getting any or they want some of what you have.

  8. M - It's sad, but true. Perhaps you should find your friend a viking hat like mine, and the transition to Viking will be far easier. Man, that was a funny 'Seinfeld' episode I had forgotten about.

    Sarcastic - Sometimes we find clarity in a drink or two, and I like the perspective you mentioned from a woman's point of view on being called that. Interesting.

  9. Miss Ash Says:
  10. Gotta love Oscar Wilde!!

    PS If i ever get married i'm going to keep my own last name....does that make it worse than a hyphenatated one? I figure i've had it my whole life and I kinda like it.

  11. JLee Says:
  12. I hate that white car, cop lookalike bullshit too! damn them. My second toe is a bit longer than the big one...does that mean I'm royalty? ha

  13. Miss Ash - I think that is just fine about your name as it's the hypen you have to be wary about. And yes, Oscar is a good one.

    Jlee - I just heard that toe theory, but why not? Let's go with that one.

  14. what took place at my work as I was reading your blog in a 3 inch by 5 inch internet explorer window:

    steve: (approaching from behind, unheard): yo, are you looking at gay porn.

    me: no, I'm not looking at gay porn. its this guy's blog. Its pretty good

    steve: oh. for a second there I thought I saw a picture of a naked guy wearing a viking helmet.

    me: (quickly scrolling down the site in order to get that pic off my screen) oh...ya... you did see a naked guy wearing a viking helmet. but its not what you think.

    This is about the time, as I continued scrolling down, that the pic of a shirtless Tom Selleck emerged up from the bottom of my computer screen. perfect timing.

    anyway, Tom not only rocks the 'stache, but also the chest hair. Terrific grooming job.

  15. I'm at work right now, and that's pretty damn funny. The Selleck-Viking connection was a poor one to make, however, and you should have scrolled to the woman's thong to rally. You've got to have ears like a jungle cat at work so nobody sneaks up unannounced.

  16. vivavavoom Says:
  17. Tom Selleck still looks like a gay porn star to me.

    Vivavoom completely agrees with the 3rd person thing.

    Vivavoom and the hubby got a free gift certificate to Olive Garden once. We ended up using only half of it,but it was such a bad meal that we left the other half for tip since we never want to go back.

    My real name is don't disagree with me because according to you I can rip out your heart by my angry laservision.

  18. JLee Says:
  19. My dad loves Olive Garden and I just bought him a gift certificate for his birthday and he loved it! haha

    I once saw an episode of "Blind Date" and the woman said "I want a man to take me somewhere Olive Garden" which has been a running joke ever since.

  20. Vivavavoom - Since your name is a naturally-occurring hyphenate, I can give you a pass. Ha. I was thinking more along the lines of additions, and I don't blame you on the Olive Garden.

    Jlee - I think you should eat where you want, so if you Dad likes the OG, then more power to him. That's funny about "Blind Date" though.

  21. locomocos Says:
  22. well, according to my ex-boyfriend, the ultimate in fine dining would be Red Lobster.

    can't get any better than that.


  23. vivavavoom Says:
  24. hyphenation is not a natural occurrence...unless you call marriage natural. I just didn't want to lose my maiden name since it is such a part of my identity. that identity is also naturally I guess you are right.

  25. Locomocos - I actually love the popcorn shrimp at Red Lobster - those tasty devils.

    Vivavavoom - OK. Maybe I stand by what I said then. Ha. It feels good to be right sometimes.

  26. J7 L7+ Says:
  27. 2 dolla - you're one brilliant mofo. I love this shit.

  28. Thanks a lot, but I fear the shelf life on this series is coming to an end. On the other hand, there's still a lot of drinks to be had.


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