2 Dollar Productions

"Man, Mexico is what the United States could have been," - Luke Wilson, "The Wendell Baker Story"


It's the start of a long 4-day weekend for me as I decided to stretch the Memorial Day holiday for my own personal pleasure. These things happen. But before I give myself over to the carnal and slothful vices I have planned, let's take a look at the week that was:

Scott Stapp, former lead singer of Creed, was ordered to stay away from his wife and undergo random drug testing Monday after allegedly throwing a bottle toward her following an argument over him staying out all night, the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said.


A more fitting punishment would be to strap Stapp down to a chair and randomly play Creed songs for him, but that might be considered cruel and unusal punishment - I know it would be for me.

Paula Abdul broke her nose and a toe over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday.


Her publicist failed to address the giant porpoise and miniature unicorn that Abdul also saw due to her massive pill and alcohol consumption prior to her fall. Abdul was heard crying on her way to the hospital about injuries to "that poor little unicorn."

Nicole Richie denied that she dropped in and out of rehab for an eating disorder and pill addiction this week after several media outlets reported on her recent absence from the limelight.


Instead of popping in and then out of rehab, perhaps Richie should stay a little longer or simply pop into the In and Out burger chain more often.

Jessica Simpson confirmed this week that her romance with rocker John Mayer is over.


It's probably for the best as the breakup should give Simpson more time to focus on salvaging her career, which has been reduced to appearing in public and flaunting her admittedly impressive chest.

"[Kiss' Gene Simmons] said that our kids are on drugs and that his aren't messed up like that. He'll always be C-list, and his wife's snatch has been rubbed on every pole in L.A. I'll fucking tear his head off and stick it up his wife's cunt!" - Sharon Osbourne told Blender magazine


That's one thing I respect about the Osbournes - there's never any fucking ambiguity with that clan of linguists.

Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno on Tuesday won "Dancing with the Stars" this week as he beat out former boy band 'NSync member Joey Fatone and world female super middleweight boxing champion Laila Ali, daughter of Muhammad Ali, to claim the title.


After the results were announced, Fatone left to drown his sorrows at the Olive Garden and Ali beat Ohno's ass to a pulp.

In other reality news, Jordin Sparks took home the "American Idol" title and a $1 million record deal Wednesday night by beating Blake.


I don't know why I'm so apathetic towards this show, but I simply do not care one bit about who won, what they sang or how quickly they will fade into oblivion (with a few exceptions - Kelly Clarkson & Chris Doughtery - but even a blind pig finds an acorn every once in awhile).

Besides, American Idol is much like in restroom of life as #2 seems to take always take precedence over #1.

Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck squabble all the time on "The View," but Wednesday's dustup was particularly nasty with the co-hosts trading accusations and personal digs including words like "coward" and "terrorists."


I didn't think it was possible, but this feud is even lamer than the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump brohaha and that's saying something.

But let's not end with big mouths and quarrells and bad feelings as this lifts my spirits:


If you feel a breeze this weekend be thankful, don't bother covering your ass on the Memorial Day holiday and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS