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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, May 09, 2007

{This is the ninth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Harp were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}


* I hate when someone says to me "To tell you the truth _______" because I always wonder if they're lying to me the rest of the time.

* There's nothing worse than being condescended to while drinking (or stone-cold sober) as it is one of my biggest irritants, and nearly always provokes me to ignore that person and consider punching them in the kidneys.

* If you ever meet a good-looking woman skilled in the art of applying Johnson's Baby Oil - count yourself lucky & hitch your wagon to her - but realize that there are some things in her closet you probably don't want to know about.


* I always worry when I'm at a fast-food restaurant and the food pictures on the board don't even look appetizing. If you can't make your food look good in a publicity shot then it probably tastes like shit.

* One of the worst jobs in the world must be working at Denny's/IHOP around 2:30 a.m. on weekends as you must be dealing with drunken assholes for 90% of your shift.

* The fact that strip clubs have reasonably priced buffets rarely works as justification for lunching there on a regular basis.


* I hate pennies.


* Every time I eat at Long John Silver's (which is roughly once a year), I swear it takes 2 weeks off my life span

* Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to go for a ride inside a Kangaroo pouch? That would be awesome.


* When people try to comfort/cheer me up by saying something like "Things could always be worse" it doesn't help, and my standard reply is "No shit. But things could be a hell of a lot better too."

-BDS

16 comments

  1. Anonymous Says:
  2. each and everyone of these are hilarious!! At fast food restaurants, Im always worried they spit in my food- why not? Its easy and it probably feels good to let out some of that built up anger over having to wear a visor.

     
  3. Miss Ash Says:
  4. I am guilty of saying "I honestly blah blah" when talking, it's just as bad as "to tell you the truth"

    I hate the smell of pennies...bleh!!!

     
  5. Anonymous - That's another fast-food fear, but I never thought about the visor connnection until now. Interesting.

    Miss Ash - The smell is bad. Everything is bad about pennies. Worthless little bastards.

     
  6. Yup, I hate the "can I be honest" because I want to answer "can I be dishonest?"

    FUNNY stuff today.

     
  7. JLee Says:
  8. I hate pennies too and throw them into this giant jar every time I get some. Then I take them to Kroger and cash them in at the machine and get all excited because I have like $5. woo hoo

    Maybe I'm naive, but I'm trying to figure out why you would use baby oil, unless you have a baby. It clogs the pores you know...

     
  9. Anonymous Boxer - That's a good answer to the honesty question. I might have to use it in the future.

    Jlee - Pennies suck. No doubt about it. And you can always wash the Baby Oil off. Besides, a true pro doesn't get it everywhere.

     
  10. Wendy Says:
  11. Great. Now I want a kangaroo ride. Something else I'll never have. Wah.

     
  12. BostonPobble Says:
  13. 1. while I hate being condescending to when sober, you're right ~ it is worse when drunk.
    2. As for the baby oil thing...nothing is worse than a man who, while he appreciates such skill, gets pissy when he realizes his woman didn't learn it from the nuns in the convent. Unlike me. Who obviously did learn it from the nuns. In the convent.
    3.I don't think I *have* considered a ride in a kangaroo pouch. How cool would that be?!!!??!!
    4. My response to "it could be worse" is "True, but that doesn't make *now* suck any less."
    5. Drunken Viking and on a Tuesday night, at that...well done, my friend!

     
  14. Wendy - I know. The hard part would of course be the execution of such a plan.

    BostonPobble - Vikings care very little for days of the week, and if you didn't learn that in a covenant then it's best NOT to bring that up. Ha. I do like you're 'now' sucking any less response quite a bit - probably learned at the reformatory.

     
  15. Carmel Says:
  16. That was great. Here is another one,
    When someone says "with all due respect" it really means "I'm going to say something that may offend you"
    :)

     
  17. Carmel - You're right - another good one. I was watching "Talladega Nights" the other day & they used that in a fairly funny way.

     
  18. SymplyAmused Says:
  19. Want my jar of pennies? (smirks)

     
  20. I think you know the answer to that question, but thanks anyway. Ha.

     
  21. Grace Says:
  22. Oh wow, I can just imagine how incredibly fun a Kangaroo-pouch ride would be! I can't believe I never thougth of that before... you're brilliant BDS!

     
  23. Grace - Brilliance comes in many forms, especially when you're drinking. Ha. But that would be a pretty damn fun ride.

     
  24. Blogger Says:
  25. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

     

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