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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, May 23, 2007

{This is the tenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Sierra Nevada Summerfest were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* If you want to get your woman to experiment with something new in the bedroom, start with a king hell foot massage, add champagne and suggest away.

* I have rarely, if ever, seen a straight male who can pull off wearing a hot pink shirt button-down shirt.

* I have a fondness for ass-less leather chaps on women, but it's hard to find an appropriate place to wear them and very frustrating to deal with when a quick removal is called for.

* There is absolutely nothing good that happens in a Men's locker room. It's best to quickly take care of your business and leave immediately.

* You look like a moron while eating corn on the cob, it's irritating as hell to pick out of your teeth, but it's so damn tasty.

* If you have to buy a clever slogan and wear it on a t-shirt, you're probably not very clever in real life.

* If somebody claims to be an athlete and cites a bowling score - ask for more evidence.

* A hot dog never tastes nearly as good as it does when you're eating it at a ballgame.

* Never tell another man he smells good.

* Always keep your resume updated, your pubic hair trimmed and your steak knives sharpened.

* If you end up at Taco Bell at midnight in the middle of the week, there's a 95% chance you've been drinking.



  1. Wendy Says:
  2. Taco Bell at midnight is the perfect time and place for ass-less leather chaps.

    As long as you're a customer and not an employee.

  3. vivavavoom Says:
  4. is that you in the bathtub? get drunk and the abs just bust open the the Hulk

  5. There isn't enough booze in the world to get me to eat Taco Bell. However, no night of drinking is complete without fried chicken.

  6. BostonPobble Says:
  7. I would say the odds are better than 95% ~ so long as you are not an undergraduate.

    And the exception to the t-shirt is, of course, when the back of the t-shirt reads "Always Worth It".

  8. I love Drunken Viking Day! I think if you end up at a Taco Bell at Midnight means you've been smoking, not drinking!

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.  
  10. Wendy - That's a powerful image. Maybe not one I'd like to see in person, but a good one for mind games.

    Vivavavoom - Of course that's me in the tub (which other Viking could I be referring to), and there is strong force that sometimes appears with alcohol consumption. But who takes a bath clothed anyway?

    WhatIgot - Fried chicken is a good substitute, but I occasionally eat that when stone-cold sober. But that never is the case with Taco Bell.

    Bostonpobble - There should be a qualifier about education status as I ate at TB quite a bit because you could buy about 37 items for roughly $1.37. And of course there are exceptions to EVERY rule.

    Anonymous Boxer - I love Drunken Viking Night, but the next day - not so much. And smoking something to induce a powerful lust for TB is probably the only other way to truly enjoy the experience.

  11. JLee Says:
  12. Why do you need to take the chaps off? They are ass-less after all. I think I'll have to go with Whataburger as the drunk-ass food of choice. Dare I ask what a "king hell foot massage" is? No one else will...

  13. That's a good point on the chaps, but sometimes the leather hurts if you don't remove it. Whataburger is a great choice (slow but great). And the specifics of a KH Foot Massage are only known to a few Native American shamans, voodoo practioners and myself.

  14. nobich Says:
  15. We always wound up at White Castle @ 3:00am eating 6-8 little tiny burgers- do you have them in Texas?
    never sober always half in the bag (or more like it all the way in that bag with just your feet sticking up) Ha!

  16. Robert Says:
  17. "Always keep your resume updated, your pubic hair trimmed and your steak knives sharpened."

    Preferably not at the same time.

  18. Nobich - No, and I wish we did as I watched a movie about them, and also see them in the freezer section - but it's not the same is it?

    Robert - Ha. Yes, and prefereably don't use the steak knives for the pubic hair. But to each his own. . .

  19. J7 L7+ Says:
  20. Corn on the cob IS TOTALLY the official vegetable of the slob.

    I love these installments. You are one wise mutha.

  21. I agree with most of this post but the one thing that I totally agree with is keeping your pubic hairs trimmed. That is one thing I definitely stay on top of.
    Just thought you might want to know that. hahaha

  22. Miss Ash Says:
  23. Umm let me guess, you ended up at Taco Bell that night haha!!! Am I right?

    As for the ass-less chaps, why do they need to be removed at all? Pretty easy access if you ask me.

  24. J717+ - Wisdom comes in many forms, and you're right about the corn thing. My fear is that I'm running out of reasonable things for this series, and it will only get stranger and more deviant, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

    Trina - Ha. That's good to know and an even better thing to stay on top of (so to speak).

    Miss Ash - It's possible that Taco Bell was part of the evening . . . and as for the chaps, they would be fine for awhile, but then it might prove difficult to add variety into the mix. Maybe.


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