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Screw Company Bonding . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Sunday, July 08, 2007

I am dreading a company dinner I have tonight which constitutes the beginning of two days of "kick-off" meetings which means forced togetherness, positive reinforcement and unrelenting bullshit.

The all-day meetings are one thing as they are during normal working hours, but forcing me to fraternize with co-workers and infringing upon my Sunday is too much to take.

Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest for crying out loud.

It's enough to drive a man to curse the black souls of his company E-staff, and drink heavily. One or both of these might occur, however, I will have to use the utmost discretion because I'm trying to drive home a raise in the next couple of weeks so this is the wrong time to alienate key allies or urinate in public places (unfortunately the times when these options are reasonable are becoming less frequent all the time).

I've always felt that the best way to improve company morale would be to cancel any planned outing, and to simply send everyone home early.

But this rarely happens, so I might be absent until mid-week when I'll have enough team building oozing from my pores that I will be allowed to return to my normal routine.

I'll be able to regurgitate the company values in my sleep when I'm not dreaming of naked, nubile mermaids. My brain might explode. My liver will recoil in shoke and horror. And yet that wonderful, corporate shit-eating grin will never leave my face.

Let the games begin.



  1. Ah, public urination. Where did our youth go?
    Good luck with your raise. as soon as you get it, the plants in the lobby might be a good place to pass some... time?

  2. JLee Says:
  3. I have a different take on this, since I went drinking at the Palm with my boss, a few coworkers and the assistant news director Friday. (we were on the clock) My friend (coworker) and I decided we like to be inappropriate at such functions and she says to the director "hey, the 80s called and they want their shirt back"
    Luckily, he laughed...ha

  4. Getoffmylawn - It's a long drive up North, but sometimes you have to do whatever it takes, eh? At least I think so.

    Jlee - That's a funny line, but it's lucky your director had a sense of humor as I've found that the higher your title is the lower your humor level becomes. And I'm not quite sure why.

  5. BostonPobble Says:
  6. Who was it who decided that employees need to bond anyway? I'm perfectly happy nodding in the hallways and going on my way, thank you. You have my sympathies and best wishes during this dark time...

  7. Wendy Says:
  8. This is the good part about being self-employed and working at home. You're always in good company and you can get as shit-faced as you want at the party--no designated driver--or self-control--required.

  9. Bostonpobble - I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm with you 100% on the hallway nod constituting the bulk of my involvement with my co-workers (who by and large are perfectly reasonable people).

    Wendy - I remember those days fondly, but it's been about 3 years for me since that time and it seems to be getting further and further away. Enjoy it and self-control is overrated.

  10. God Speed, Good Man, God Speed.

  11. Denny Says:
  12. UHG I so dont miss office/corporate life. Just reading your post made feel queazy and I shuddered ever so slightly. My condolences.

  13. Anonymous Boxer - I wish I could speed through these days like lighting, but I feel like I'm stuck in molasses (sp?). Ugly.

    Denny - I don't blame you for the shaky stomach as this is easily one of the worst aspects of corporate life for virtually everyone. Stay away if you can.

  14. J7 L7+ Says:
  15. I hate meetings. I usually just stare at asses, that or I stuff my stomach full of cold medicine: 'daytime' if I'm in the mood to look productive, 'nighttime' if I can't take any more mentions of being 'proactive' or 'utilizing the group dynamic.'

  16. nothing like "forced togetherness" to build team morale, eh?

    Really these company outings do nothing but say to your co-workers "you know, I'm not quite sure if I hate you, but I am sure I dont willingly want to spend any of my free time with you..."

  17. locomocos Says:
  18. just put pieces of food on your face and pretend your Sloth from Goonies. See what happens then....

  19. vivavavoom Says:
  20. this pseudo bonding thing bigger companies do makes me very happy to be self employed. but the hubby has some great stories from his days at halfasstic (comcass). It was true there that thehigher up you were the lower the sense of humor. but his boss was always the one that got too drunk and started telling you too much information. hope you get the raise you want and then go pee in some of the office plants.

  21. Miss Ash Says:
  22. I've always felt that the best way to improve company morale would be to cancel any planned outing, and to simply send everyone home early.


  23. Forced company fun seems to go with the summertime. I'm not sure why the powers that be think a bunch of people during the summer who see each other all week want to see said people on the weekends or the evenings. I can only think their home lives are horrible and unfit to be printed where they might be seen by children.

  24. J717+ - I should have taken up your meds idea as the alcohol wasn't available until far too late.

    Idig - That's about the only thing it confirmed for me as well. But I'm sure we know that already, eh?

    Locomocos - I'm not sure if there were any Baby Ruths around, and although I"m not certain, that would probably call unwanted attention to myself. Ha.

    Vivavavoom - I miss those days of self-employment on occasions like this, and it's sometimes amusing to hear you drunk boss's stories (if only for blackmail material at a later date).

    Miss Ash - I wish more people were on this bandwagon. Many more.

    Sarcastic - It's true that summertime seems to breed more of this, which also leads to seeing people wearing far less clothing than they should - a bad combination.


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