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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, April 25, 2007

{This is the eighth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Spaten were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}


* When someone starts off a sentence with "I'm really not a racist/sexist/pervert/etc" then you can bet that the following statement is 98% likely to nullify their first statement.

* Anybody who says they would continue to work after winning the lottery simply needs more hobbies.

* Sharing a group hot tub with a hairy individual is like showering with a Werewolf and I wouldn't advise becoming embroiled in either situation.


{Editor's Note: This is NOT me nor did I take this picture.}

* Anyone who makes quotations marks with their hands during a conversation without being facetious about it makes me very nervous.

* Stringing more than 3 clich├ęs into a 10-minute conversation makes you sound like a total moron, which is a good thing to remember during a job interview.

* There are few things that are more boring than watching someone else's vacation video.

* When you see a guy walking around carrying a large bouquet of flowers your first instinct is to wonder "I wonder what he screwed up?"


* Those red-assed baboons made me laugh in the third grade, and they still do.


* I like my balls as much as anybody walking this planet, but I feel no need to constantly check to make sure they're still in place while in public. Privately, that's an entirely different matter.

* After careful consideration, I think that Sofia Loren is the oldest person I would still sleep with these days.


* Show me a guy who hasn't wanted to deliver some asshole a horse's head a la "The Godfather" to send a message and I'll show you a total wimp.

-BDS

17 comments

  1. Miss Ash Says:
  2. I love the 1st one as it is soooooo true. I met a drunken fool at a bar once, he turned out to be not only homophobic, but racist AND a conservative. He didn't do well at my table. "I'm not racist but I would never want to have a black baby and I dislike chinese people" Ummmmm ........

    When i see a guy with flowers i think "lucky bitch"

     
  3. Anybody who doesn't find red-ass babboons funny is somebody I don't wanna know.

    And please destroy that photo of me. I don't know you got it. Whaddyou do, sneak into my place and snapped the shot while I was asleep. Not everyone can be a male model you know.

     
  4. locomocos Says:
  5. someone needs to do some manscaping....

    with a weed whacker...

     
  6. JLee Says:
  7. I should not have looked at the hairy man before breakfast. urp
    Hey, what's wrong with "air quotation marks" I ask you?? ;)

     
  8. Miss Ash - Ha. That's a different spin on the flowers thing & it's funny how often people just lie about their views only to reveal them a moment later.

    WhatIgot - That's what happens when you pass out in a hairy heap these days - it gets plastered all over the Internet. Plan ahead. Ha.

    Locomocos - I would hate to run into that guy during a full moon - actually there's already a full moon in the picture and it isn't pretty.

    JLee - It's not good after lunch either. And if I have to explain the air quotations then you probably won't like the answer. Ha.

     
  9. julia Says:
  10. yeah, i pretty much read your blog for the drunken viking shot and in hopes that you'll post that hot teacher pic again some friday.

    girl can dream.

    and 1. is probably the true-est.

     
  11. Wendy Says:
  12. I will never, ever again tease my husband about his lack of body hair.

    I bet the baboon would laugh if you showed him the picture of the hairy guy.

    I'm not one to dis living legends, but I have a feeling that, in real life, Sophia Loren looks more like your grandma than you think she does.

     
  13. Wendy Says:
  14. Heh, I just realized, with my Sophia Loren statement, that I fit the criteria of your number one complaint.

     
  15. Your first statement is so true. You have to hope you aren't too drunk to remember what was said in case you need to use it as a bribe at some time.

     
  16. I may just try to pour bleach in my eyes over the picture of hairy dude.

    FUNNY blog.

     
  17. oh my gawd!! Where did you get that pic of Bob Hoskins?

    The Sophia Loren question is a good one.

     
  18. Julia - I was actually thinking I was due for a new Viking picture, and the only thing I can guarantee is that the hot teacher WILL show up again somewhere.

    Wendy - Your husband is lucky & it's great when you prove my drunken point. I like it a lot (although you're likely right about Loren, but still . . . )

    Sarcastic - I think the best policy is to just shut it down if you ever hear yourself starting off with that statement because something bad will proably follow it. And someone will remember.

    Anonymous Boxer - Thanks and I found that horrible pic this morning which woke me up faster than the 3 cups of coffee I usually need. Ouch.

    Idig - That may be Hoskins, but do you think Roger Rabbit knocked his ass out?

     
  19. J7 L7+ Says:
  20. Guh... vacation videos are so fucking boring! I've been held captive on more than one occasion.
    "And here's one of us at the airport..."

     
  21. SymplyAmused Says:
  22. I don't mind a hair chest but all over body hair..ewwwww

     
  23. Melissa Says:
  24. There's not a lot of difference between the hairy guy and the baboon...

     
  25. I would totally sleep with my Classical Myth prof - she's gotta be mid forties, and, mmmm, big crush moi!

     
  26. J717 - Brutal. Unrelentingly brutal is how I would describe such sessions.

    Symplyamused - A line must be drawn & this guy crossed it -badly.

    Melissa - Very little except a red ass.

    Malnurtured - Professors have a certain hotness factor going for them, but mid-40s is nothing compared to Sophia. That's like half her age. Ha.

     

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