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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, April 03, 2007

{This is the seventh in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we shared a few pitchers of Harp which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* Spandex is one of the most unforgiving materials in the known universe and you better look damn good before even thinking about wearing it in public

* Does it not seem strange that all these famous women hawking hair color products have so many stylists that the last time they got their hair color from a box coloring product was somewhere around middle school?

* If anyone ever makes a request to pull their finger - don't.

* Take a crap or talk on your cell phone - do not do both at once as both endeavors will suffer.

* There's always one guy in a group who takes a good joke and takes it one step too far, and if you're that person, then you will never be funny.

* There are few things more depressing than packing up to head back home after a vacation. Malaria and movies starring Hilary Duff spring to mind.

* If anyone is still doing bad Austin Powers impressions at parties these days and asking people after 2 drinks "Do I make you horny baby," then walk away from that person immediately and avoid them the rest of the night.

{Editor's Note: This man pictured is NOT me}

* I have never once received an email marked with high importance/urgent that actually was either of the two.

* If someone asks you what your weaknesses are, a good answer is I used to be arrogant but now I have no faults.

* It is not reasonable to masturbate at someone else's house unless you receive specific clearance from the host or happen to be taking a shower at the residence (or obviously if the host is also involved in the session).

* Whatever happened to Neve Campbell?

She should be on a Milk Box or something.



  1. nobich Says:
  2. hmmm rough night huh??

  3. What did happen to Neve Campbell? Oh yeah, she sang Hot Blooded and was never seen again. Good, good.

  4. Wendy Says:
  5. Isn't the "weakness" question something that's typically asked on job interviews? And you're supposed to reply, "Oh, I guess it would be that I stay too late to get my work done..."

    Ugh. I like your answer better.

  6. JLee Says:
  7. Good insights all. I especially like:

    "Take a crap or talk on your cell phone - do not do both at once as both endeavors will suffer."

    I had a friend that would not follow this advice, much to my dismay.

    So how do you go about getting "masturbation clearance" from your host/hostess? I'd like to hear that conversation...

  8. Miss Ash Says:
  9. I was watching a 30K race last weekend and I must say Spandex does not look good on anyone, anyone at all, even the skinny mini's with hot bods. It's just so unflattering.

    {Editor's Note: This man pictured is NOT me} You kill me haha!!!

  10. Nobich - Aren't they all . . . Ha.

    WhatIgot - Yeah, that just occurred to me at the end of the post, but I didn't know about this Hot Blooded thing. I'll have to check it out - or maybe I"m better off not knowing.

    Wendy - Exactly.
    You're supposed to answer something like "I tend to work too hard, blah blah blah." I'll try mine out sometime when I really don't care about getting the job.

    Jlee - You should tell your friend about my advice, and tell him/her you read it in a Dear Abbey column or something reputable. Ha. As for the clearance issue, the only solution is to ask very, very nicely. Or I've found it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

    Miss Ash - Yeah. Honestly, I've never seen anybody look good in Spandex. You can look OK, but that's about it. And I had to put that note in there because someone might be confused and I do NOT want that on my plate. Ha.

  11. JLee Says:
  12. pull my finger! hehe

  13. Must have missed that one the first time around, eh? Ha.

  14. JLee Says:
  15. No, didn't miss it. I just really want you to pull my finger...

  16. the masturbating bit is interesting. Tricky in asking for clearance tho ("yo Hank, you mind, I'm just gonna fire one off in your bathroom, okay")

    I dont know if I'd be able to pull that one off.

  17. Thanx for clearing up any misconceptions about the picture being you. For a minute there I was going to ban your blog forever.

  18. Neve Campbell got to shag John Cusack.
    She is probably still at home in bed, patting herself on the back.

  19. Jlee - I think I'll pass, you know my feelings on that one.

    Idig - Tricky indeed. It's better to have been drinking or simply ask for clean-up materials and don't allude to what they are for.

    Trina - That's why I put the note in there. I don't want any links to that man. Ha.

    Friday - I didn't know that as I've always liked Cusack, just not in that way. Campbell I'm a bit more amvivalent about except for her 3-some scene in Wild Things.

  20. BostonPobble Says:

    I'm with nobich ~ sounds like a rough one.

  22. Some nights are rougher than others. Ha.


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