"Listen up you little freshmen bitches," - Parker Posey, "Dazed and Confused"
It's only a few short hours before my brother and I and our lady friends board a flight that will eventually land us in Virgin Gorda, a British Virgin Island where a villa awaits for a week of sunshine and snorkeling and beach-combing and margaritas and Negro Modelos and general laziness that I feel has been earned.
But before that happens, there is work to do and stories to cover as:
Britney Spears supposedly attempted suicide in rehab this week, and a paper claimed that Britney also wrote the devil's number, 666, on her shaved head and began screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened clinic staff.
The Spears saga has rapidly reached the point where it is no longer that funny, and the only reasonable thing would be for her to get better quickly so legitimate fun can be made at her choice in men. Let's hope that happens quickly.
30 Seconds to Mars singer Jared Leto sustained a broken nose and other injuries at a show in El Paso last week, as he was hit multiple times when he ran into the crowd during the song "The Kill." 
Along with his nose, which was unintentionally broken, Leto suffered a foot injury and superficial injuries to his face and body.
On the plus side, Leto should be pleased as a peach because those were likely the only "hits" the band will ever have in this lifetime.
A Vietnamese official announced Wednesday that Angelina Jolie is in the process of adopting a three- or four-year-old boy whom she chose to add to her burgeoning family during a recent trip to the Tam Binh orphanage.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Jolie is hot, a humanitarian, and I'm sure these kids are going to a good home, yet I have the sneaking suspicion that she is secretly completing a mission to have a child who matches every outfit before she's done.
Bad Boy boss P. Diddy is being sued over the alleged assault of a fellow reveler at an Oscars aftershow party, where he supposedly hit on the man's date before punching him in the face. 
No court date has been set and no witnesses reported if the punches were thrown by Diddy or merely sampled from another rapper standing nearby and then attributed to Diddy.
British beauty Naomi Campbell will swap her catwalk outfits for a broom, gloves and safety vest when she begins mopping floors at New York's Sanitation Department on March 19, a court official confirmed on Tuesday.
My hope is that on March 18th, dozens of New Yorkers suddenly decided to drop their pants and start shitting on the floors at the sanitation department - it seems only fitting.
Jason Wahler was sentenced to two months in jail for punching a city worker and tow truck driver during an altercation last year. Wahler, 20, star of MTV's "The Hills" and "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County," was also ordered to attend a one-day program at the Museum of Tolerance for uttering racial slurs during the September incident, authorities said.
Maybe there is such a thing as reality TV after all because Wahler looked like a flaming asshole on the show, and apparently he's an even bigger one in real life. This restores my faith in the entire genre.
As always, let's end with a soothing image:
Everybody have a great weekend, keep your tail out of the sand and know that $2 Dollar Productions will return on March 19th with beach stories and rum-soaked adventures in paradise.
Let's hope so . . . And Happy Early Friday!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part Deaux:
When I opened my mail yesterday, hidden among the new issue of Newsweek and Maxim and several credit card offers, a small package from New Jersey had arrived containing the pictures from my modeling shoot a few weeks ago.
This was the evidence I needed. My mind had been cloudy and untrustworthy and as the days slipped by, I started to wonder if I had dreamed the "Model House" after watching "Zoolander" and eating an entire pizza one dark night.
Surely there weren't puppies and male models and oil and photographers and me trying to run around the mean streets of New York. Yet I couldn’t deny the proof that was staring me right in the face.
So, I placed the disc in my computer and it all came flooding back to me. It was real. It did happen.
And although it was probably the last shoot I'll do for quite awhile, I'll take it and keep it for when I'm a sarcastic old man with a potbelly and need a reminder that I once had some pride.
And on a final note - Fuck Wonder Bread. I don't eat white bread these days & I don't need it for a prop. Ha.
Here's the proof:
- BDS
I can see why they didn't think you were 30.
Wonder Bread: Heh. Now I have myself a little giggle every time I walk down the bread aisle at the supermarket.
Heck yes, show me that pudding.
Truly, I think I like the one of you un-shirted by the window best. Junk makes me uncomfortable (don't tell boyfriend).
Photos #3 and 4 are fantastic!
Haven't seen such a close up of your face before. They all look like a professional model to me. You should definitely be proud.
The Britney saga has hit a bat shit crazy low I didn't think she was capable of. (If it's all true). Sad.
Ha!! Diddy sampled the punches! Wonder if he can make that fly in court?
As for Naomi..every person that has ever been pummeled with a cell phone should join the shitfest too!
And I want lots of photos of her cleaning it up. haha
Have a wonderful time in Virgin Gorda...I'd say you earned it!
Wendy - That bit of info still makes me laugh, every single time.
Julia - I like that one too & my guess is that your boyfriend doesn't need anyone to tell him. Ha.
Kayla - Thanks & that Britney story sounds suspect to me, but you never know . . . And with any luck there will be plenty of Naomi photos to amuse us all.
The pictures are great and you've certainly earned your vacation.
I'm sure while you are gone the whole Brittany thing will only get crazier. Again, who would have thought K-Fed was the more stable of the two?
I heard about that Britney thing and wondered if it was true?? crazy
I can't wait to see Naomi in her new bright orange ensemble. HA
Like Wendy, I had a giggle yesterday when passing a Walgreens. Their big sign in front said "WONDER BREAD" on sale. hehe Stock up now!!
That little cartoon girl freaks me out a little...like a Bratz doll gone wrong or something.
Great job on the pictures and although you're covered up, I love the ones in the green shirt because the lighting is so beautiful through the window. The third pic is nice...you have a very serene expression. Kinda like Mona Lisa. lol
oh yeah, and have a great trip! enjoy
NICE!I like the one in the jeans
Yeah- you girls are liars. You know you like the shirtless ones.
Sarcastic - I feel like a little break is deserved, and I'm sure the Britney thing will change/morph 27 times before I return. And I have no Internet connection to keep up with it . . . that's OK.
Jlee - Thanks as the photographer was yelling at me to "be more like Mona Lisa dammit." Ha. Glad I finally nailed it. And thanks for the vacation wishes as I'm ready to be extremely lazy.
Anonymous - Thanks & liar might be a little strong. Or maybe not. Ha. You never know these days.
Sounds like a wonderful vacation is in store for you. Say hey to your brother- he never writes anymore!! Your pictures came out great & you do look much younger then 30. That whole Britney thing is just sad. doesn't matter what you have if you get so lost like she did. fucked up eh?? Happy Friday early!!!
All of your hard work and sacrifice really paid off. You should be very proud.
Enjoy the time off, I'm sure the islands will be brilliant.
Nobich - Will do & I'll also mention that he is a lazy bastard who never writes anymore. Ha. And I agree about Britney.
Melissa - Thanks and brilliant is a fitting description, at least in my head and with any luck it will exceed my expectations.
WoW, come on over, Rover
Damn it $2. I'm trying to concentrate here!
Any shred of productivity - OUT THE WINDOW!
If I get fired, I blame you!
Thanks for sharing those pictures, a bright spot in a gray winter day! Enjoy Virgin Gorda, you are the second person I (sorta) know that's sought refuge there this winter. Have a great time!
Yeah, you go on that vacation of yours...maybe I'll be done __________over the finest Texas Prime ____I've seen in a while by the time you get back...
And thanks for sharing the other stuff too!
Yowza!!! I love that last photo.
Have a great trip, relax and enjoy you lucky duck!!
ummm errrr... I know you wrote something before you put up those photos but I can't remember what it is now : )
So are those pictures going into a men's health magazine? Just think of the pleasure you will be giving young closeted men. I don't throw around the word "hero" alot, but this might be a good time to do that.
hehe... I kid, I kid. I'm jealous I don't have the self-control to fuck delicious and wonderful carbs.
*gulps*
uh... i had no idea.
*applauds*
Don't forget to post all your sexy vacation photos
Why am I the "mad rapper" because I'm on a computer where I can't see the pictures of you. I'm even more pissed off because the comments are making me think that I'm really missing some good stuff. When I get to a different computer "I'll be back" (using the Arnold Schwartzenegger voice from Terminator) Did I spell his name right?
tkkerouac - Who's rover?
Friday - Sorry, but tell your boss to ring me if there's any issues. I know how to talk to people.
Linda - Thanks and it was a great time. I'm curious if the other person you know liked it as well.
Orchid - That's the nicest thing I've heard in awhile, and it makes me hungry for steak, which I didn't get in the islands.
Dr - I'm with you on the Laguan/Hills/Etc as I can't bring myself to pause for more than 2 seconds on one because it's a haven for idiots. See Jason as one example.
Miss Ash - I appreciate it as I had another one posted as well that was an extension of that last one, but took it down on second thought.
Symplyamused - Ha. I hope you read something as it took me a little while to write it & organize all the "hard news" of the day.
Bostonpobble - You're right, I won't lose my pride but I will be one sarcastic son of a bitch. And mean.
Jackie - Unfortunately no, the pics won't be going anywhere anytime soon. If I moved to NYC full-time, then probably they would go many places. And I'm comfortable with hero. Ha.
Lastlife - I hope it was illuminating then. Ha. And thanks for the applause/golf clap/etc, I always like them.
tkkerouac - Some of them are now on the board.
Trina - I hope you made it back with a better computer, and as for the spelling, something looks wrong yet it doesn't change the sentiment.
Let your hair grow.
I can get you work as a hair model any day!
That's a good offer, but my hair doesn't really grow long, it's mainly thick which is a better problem than the opposite one, but still . . .