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Horror At The Storage Shed . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, March 06, 2007

My brother and I share a climate-controlled storage shed in South Austin as it's amazing how much crap you can accumulate, and yet it's even harder to get rid of the clutter as "you never know when you might need something in the future."


It had been awhile since I had been to the shed, but I needed some snorkeling gear for our upcoming trip to the British Virgin Islands, so I ventured to the facility yesterday evening, rode the freight elevator to the third floor and was then confronted by a horrific and unnatural sight - an older man with a hairy pelt across his chest and cut-off jean shorts around his waist.


The horror.

Luckily, I only caught a fleeting glance of the man as I quickly rounded the corner to my own unit, however, I saw enough of his disturbing set-up to provoke a sense of wonder and awe. His shed appeared to be a personal gym circa 1970 as I saw the oldest stationary bike still in existence, some dumbbells and a few other pieces that were a complete mystery to me.

Music poured out from an unseen source, and a sweatband sat dark and ominous on the cement floor.

Questions filled my head as I frantically searched for my mask and breathing tube. I didn't want to linger as several disturbing things occurred to me:

1) A man who would put himself through his fitness paces in a cramped space with bad lighting was not someone I wanted to run into inside a place where nobody could hear me scream

2) Tight blue jeans shorts on a man are NEVER acceptable, and only a lunatic would wear them, which tied into my first thought that this man was obviously unhinged

3) How long could I survive if I had to lock myself inside my own unit until this denim monster finished his workout and left?

There were too many terrible things to ponder, and I wasn't prepared for any of them when I stopped by after work with thoughts of the beach and tropical fish on my mind. But I kept my wits about me, snuck around the corner like a thief in the night and escaped without looking back.


Take this as a warning to anyone with a storage shed or anyone even thinking about renting one - these units can be invaluable for storing your excess belongings but be aware of your surroundings and if you hear the clinking of weights accompanied by a glimpse of faded blue fabric, run and don't look back.

You'll thank me later.

-BDS

15 comments

  1. slopmaster Says:
  2. storage shed...

    you have too much stuff. Typical American overspending. It's almost funny that you have so much stuff, you have to rent a place to put it all.

    slopmastertales.com

     
  3. Rob Says:
  4. That sounds like the makings of a Nicholas Cage movie

     
  5. JLee Says:
  6. hahaha..I just can't get past "where did he find that picture?" lol

    It is written that "men shalt not wear jean cutoff shorts"

     
  7. Slopmaster - It is funny in a vague way, but that doesn't change the fact that I have one & that horrible things going on inside of the building.

    Rob - Now I might pay to see that one. Ha.

    Jlee - It should be written somewhere about the jean shorts and given out to every male when they reach middle school. Nasty business.

     
  8. Miss Ash Says:
  9. I have to agree with Slop on this one, it's kind of funny.

    I was actually driving by a storage place the other day thinking

    a)The tiny ones, what the hell would you put in there anyway? They are soooo small

    b)Creepy, Creepy, Creepy, I can't imagine what's in some of them.....bones, bodies, men in denim hot pants haha

     
  10. tkkerouac Says:
  11. Yes we consumers hold onto way too much stuff, and live scattered lives because of it.
    These storage places do great business.

     
  12. nobich Says:
  13. Well just make sure you pay each month on yours. A lady around here didn't- they auctioned off her stuff & found her dead husband yikes!! (so that's what they're used for in Jersey Ha!!)

     
  14. Melissa Says:
  15. But being the big fitness guru you are today he may have learned from your brilliance or even had a trick or two to share with you.

    You should post a missed opportunity on Craig's List and see what happens.

    "Dear Sexy Pelt Man in Hot Pants,
    You were at the X-Storage facility the other night and I didn't have the courage to say hi... Are you thinking about me too?"

     
  16. Miss Ash - It's probably better that you don't know what people put in those things. But mine is perfectly reasonable. Ha.

    tkkerouac - The storage places keep springing up in Austin like toadstools (sp?) and it's easy to fall into the trap of keeping way to much crap.

    Nobich - So that's how they do it in Jersey, eh? Ha. Luckily, they would only find a leather couch, some Xmas decorations, framed posters, and seasonal stuff - no dead bodies.

    Melissa - That's not even funny. Ha. There is no need to mock what could have been a horrible & profoundly disturbing experience. And no amount of money or appreciation would have gotten me to admit my fitness background to that man.

     
  17. I was at a lesbian wedding last year, or the year before. I was slow dancing with my date when she urgently whispered in my ear "DO NOT TURN AROUND!!"

    I, of course, turned around and saw two huge guys (lou ferrigno huge), about 6 inches away from me, wearing matching super-short jean shorts, suspenders, white undershirts and doc martens, slow dancing with each other.

    I instinctively recoiled.

    No, not because I saw two guys dancing with each other. I instinctively recoiled because I think I saw testicle (hanging down from inside the jean shorts)

     
  18. Having a home gym in a self storage unit. Almost a normal idea. He probably went there to avoid his wife and weep but slowly started the workout process to vent his frustration.
    But dude, what's with the renaissance pic of David Cross in those little gay shorts?

     
  19. Being the nosey person I am always made the trip to the storage unit fun. You do see a lot of odd characters. I have seen people using them as a work out spot. I've also seen people repair cars and do woodworking out of one. However, this sight of said man would be a little uncomfortable. Personally I always liked to be there on the day they were evicting somebody. They would either hold a sale or just put the stuff in the garbage. It is always interesting to see what other people think is important, when in reality most of what we have is just stuff and at some point you just have to part with it.

     
  20. BostonPobble Says:
  21. As with jlee, I keep thinking "how did he find that picture?...okay, make a legitimate comment now but...how did he find that picture???"

     
  22. Drywall Mom Says:
  23. When I was about 14 I was in softball and one of the girls on my team had a dad that wore way too short shorts. He was in shape but it still made me feel very uncomfortable around him and even at that age, I knew it was just not right. I still don't get why some men prefer wearing those tiny swim shorts out in public. The only guys that should be wearing those are ones that are on a swim team and have to and even now they are not b/c of the technological advances to the suits that they have to make them swim faster. But the worst memory I have a a guy in one of those was when I lifegaurded at a theme park and I had to witness a fourty yr old italian guy that weighed about 300 lbs with hair all over him walking around. I can still imagine it to this day and that was about 10 yrs ago.

     
  24. Idig - That's a horrible mental image. But your girlfriend should have known that saying Do Not Turn Around will lead to your turning around every single time.

    WhatIGot - Ha. I'm glad somebody called out the David Cross connection. I thought of Arrested Development as soon as I saw the guy and this was the first pic I found.

    Sarcastic - It is interesting to see what people decide is worth keeping, and as long as that obsession doesn't cause you to rifle through people's trash, I think it's fine by me. Ha.

    BostonPobble - I painted it myself and scanned it in Pobble. I am a Rennasaince (sp?) man, who can paint but not spell.

    Drywall mom - That is a cautionary tale as I agree that men wearing too tight and shorts that are too small are a walking epidemic. Ha. Women on the other hand, I give a free pass. I'm biased that way. And I think there's a rule that people in Speedos are always way overweight and often sport chest hair and medallions.

     

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