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Romance & Deceit . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Thursday, February 15, 2007

Since it's the morning after Valentine's Day and love and lust and crushed rose petals and sweat still permeate the air, I started thinking about a concept that goes hand-in-hand with romance - deceit.

Half-truths. Omissions. Lies.

Mainly it was flat-out, bald-faced lies that flooded my brain as I sat drinking coffee this morning, valiantly trying to work up enough motivation to drive to the gym. But before I could venture out to give my delts and abs a beating, I felt like cleansing myself of as many lies as I could recall where women were involved.

Everybody who has been in a relationship or merely hooked up, done a little bump and grind, mugged down in a secluded stairwell or gotten married has also lied at least a few times along the way.

Some lies are worse than others. Of course, some people are also far dumber than others, so sometimes things equal out I suppose.

Anyway, this is by no means a full list, but it's a start of something I'll call Female Falsehoods For Fornication or the BDS 4F Club for short.

1) I am training to be an astronaut (this was before the recent diaper-wearing disturbance - obviously)


2) You definitely deserved to buy yourself those shoes/purse/top and they/it looks great
3) I rarely drink
4) I saw your foreign-exchange roommate having fun outside at the party
5) The scar on my ankle came from a machete in a South American jungle


6) I could convert to Judaism/Catholicism/insert 'ism here
7) Yes I can get you on the field (for UT football games)


8) I think I saw someone in the bushes

9) Your dog isn't watching us


10) I locked the door
11) That's not my pornography
12) My zipper isn't working properly


13) I never went out with that girl
14) My tongue is bruised
15) I'll watch Steel Magnolias with you

I'm not obtuse enough to believe that the lying doesn't get turned back around on guys, so if anyone has a really superlative falsehood that has been used, feel free to throw it out for public consumption.

Consider it research and information gathering because as someone very intelligent once noted, "Now you know - and knowing is half the battle."

-BDS

20 comments

  1. julia Says:
  2. "Chad?"

    (This was me pretending to recognize someone in order to meet him. I was in high school. It worked, up until I found out he was in college.)

     
  3. JLee Says:
  4. "you have the biggest **** I've ever seen" hahah

     
  5. Kayla Says:
  6. Your tongue is bruised??
    Now I want to know exactly how that happened...in my fantasy, it's from overuse
    ;-)
    That excuse just might backfire on you!

     
  7. Melissa Says:
  8. "No, baby, I've never done that with anyone else, I was saving it for you I guess."

     
  9. Julia - Never used that one, but it makes sense. But what are a few years here or there between high school & college?

    Jlee - That's the truth every single time out; at least in my mind.

    Kayla - That was actually the back-end of that excuse (pardon the pun), but it was to get out of certain things I didn't care to do on that particular evening. Ha. You have to stay on your toes.

    Melissa - Ahh, I don't mind this one at all. Practice makes perfect in my book.

     
  10. slopmaster Says:
  11. ha. jlee, I've heard that so many times. I knew you were lying!

    I've told girls I was in med school, I was a lawyer, etc. Most of the lying was done during spring break trips though.

     
  12. Miss Ash Says:
  13. "It's not you it's me"

    "I'll call you next time i'm in the city"

    Haha @ Jlee

     
  14. I once used "I'm a music critic."

     
  15. Slopmaster - Spring break trips hardly count at all as EVERYBODY is lying through their teeth.

    Miss Ash - I like the second one, and loathe that first one, although I've tossed it out once or twice a long time ago. Ha.

    WhatIgot - Aren't we all music critics in some way? Maybe that's not a lie at all . . .

     
  16. "I don't think it will work between us because I smoke pot and you don't." High school boys are sure clever, huh?

     
  17. Ha. That's funny, but the problem is that they don't get that much better post-high school.

     
  18. SymplyAmused Says:
  19. "It was great for me, best ever"...snickers

     
  20. Robert Says:
  21. "I love you for your mind."

    "No, she's not prettier than you."

     
  22. Symplyamused - Another common theme - best ever. Ha. If you believe that then . . . Well there are exceptions.

    Robert - That second one is brutal and there is usually no good answer because the statement was likely preceded by you checking out some other woman.

     
  23. I had a boyfriend tell me once that I was way to honest.(go figure) That kinda gets me into more trouble. So I can't really think of a lie right now that I may have told, eventhough I'm sure there had to be one or two.

     
  24. Sometimes honesty is worse than a decent lie. Ha. Sometimes.

     
  25. SymplyAmused Says:
  26. Umm, that was one "I" used..."best ever" not the guy...grinning

     
  27. Ha. I figured that actually, I was talking from my perspectice as I give people the benefit of the doubt when they say it. Ha.

     
  28. Sherry Says:
  29. HA
    Some of those are pretty bad.
    Thanks for the laugh.

    Do you feel better now, having got that off of your chest?

     
  30. I do feel better. A good soul-cleansing purge is good now & again.

     

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