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The Office Serial Killer . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, February 06, 2007

You know how there's always somebody in your office that you suspect might be a tad unhinged. Someone who seems too perfect or unsteady or simply boasts a certain gleam in their eyes that makes you uneasy for reasons you can't entirely explain.

Everybody knows that person, and it's a good idea to avoid them in the break or bathroom like the plague.

I see nothing inherently wrong in this assumption, the problem lies in the fact that I have a sneaking suspicion that in my particular office, the person most likely to be an American Psycho might just be me.

Personally, I don't believe it, however, the evidence is mounting and has a large part to do with my peculiar diet.

My food consumption is easily the strangest and most challenging business aspect as my NYC diet has forced me to bring my lunches (note the plurality) for months and months and months.

I eat two lunches, the first at 11 a.m. and round two at 2:00 p.m., and both are identical - brown rice and ground turkey fixed with onions, salsa and chili powder. The smell of this combination is overpowering and nearly everytime I heat it up, I have at least one other person who comments about how good it smells.

The truly strange part, however, is that I eat this same exact meal roughly 8 times per week while at work. That's 8 times per week multiplied by 3 months straight, which means I've consumed the same exact meal nearly 100 times over this time period.

I have never told a soul about the real reasons for this habit, a choice that is by design as letting them know about my New York modeling trip can only hurt me by making me appear distracted from my work, vaguely narcassitic or both.

So I've been very vague about the rational behind my steady, unrelenting consumption. Luckily, most people know I was a personal trainer for several years, which helps a bit in explaining my behavior.

But only a little as I know people are most likely talking about me in terms that inspire the Fear. I know I would if the situation were reversed and a co-worker of mine at the same meal for months at a time.

Unfortunately, there's little that can be done until late February, but as long as I do my work and keep my wits about me, there will be no trips to the HR department to discuss my delicate situation.

On an unrelated note, I took this picture from my rooftop deck at sunset last night and the colors were spectacular:

Now could a true serial killer do that? Don't answer that question.



  1. JLee Says:
  2. It's funny, the other day I asked my coworkers "who would be the one person who would go postal and come in shooting one day?" We all said the same guy at the same time! haha
    Let's hope yours don't say the same about you ;)

    Can't you vary the diet a little? Like salmon with barley, or chicken breast, etc? Of course the smell of fish at work is not a good thing at all.

  3. JLee Says:
  4. ps
    love the picture! It was a gorgeous day yesterday.

  5. Jlee - Fish is a very bad thing. And I've found that I get tired of chicken very easily, so for now, I'm stuck with this one. And it was a hell of a nice day.

  6. sometimes eating becomes a chore and one loses interest in satisfyin the taste buds. eventually, it becomes an obligation.

    yea that is one hell of a view alright.

  7. Kayla Says:
  8. I think I would become the office serial killer on that diet!
    I admire your tenacity.

    Did you read about the astronaut that went crazy? She's married with children, but apparently had a crush on a fellow single astronaut. She perceived another woman was flirting with this single man, and tried to kidnap her! She followed her to an airport parking lot disguised in a wig and trenchcoat.
    Sprayed her with pepper spray, and had a BB gun in hand.
    I couldn't believe it!
    Here's the yahoo article link:

  9. I'm certainly willing to off some people. I am also willing to discuss the greatness of Invisible Touch to anybody who will listen.

  10. The picture looks like warmth.
    I am so jealous!
    It's -25 here.

  11. Lastlife - That pretty much describes my relationship with food lately. A chore that is growing increasingly boring.

    Kayla - I just saw that article on Google news this morning. Nothing surprises me anymore, I guess the strange thing was the astroanut connection because for whatever reason, those people just seem beyond reproach. Not sure why . . .

    WhatIgot - I literally just finished the book last week, and Ellis goes on a lengthy dissertation regarding that issue.

    Girlbehind - Warm indeed. It was 68 degrees that day, and just about perfect. But the weather is supposed to rebound soon, maybe not to 25, but . . .

  12. orchid Says:
  13. We're all considered 'weird' or 'psycho' to some extent, by some people - for good reason or not -

    IMO it's not worth paying attention to how everyone perceives us because you just can't please everybody, while trying to act as normal as we possibly can.

    However, if you wear a diaper on your drive to catch up with the love interest of your love interest, even though you're married with children...astronaut or not, that's definitely the sign of a truly disturbed mind...

  14. slopmaster Says:
  15. I bet it looked better in person. Pictures never really show the true range in nature.

    The food thing sounds perfectly fine to me since I ate Raemen noodles for 4 years straight in college.

  16. Orchid - You're right as everybody has their own idiosyncrasies or strangeness, and I don't really care except to that point that it lands me in HR for counseling. Ha. That being said, if you're wearing a diaper to drive to see your lover twice-removed - you're weird. End of story.

    Slopmaster - Very true about the picture. And I though everyone subsisted on Ramen Noodles during college. They were a food group unto themselves.

  17. Melissa Says:
  18. Ramen and two Jack in the Box tacos were the standard college menu. Your commitment to this plan is admirable, I hope your trip nets you what you want.

    We've had more winter weather this season than we've ever had. I'm ready for our warm Texas days again.

  19. Anonymous Says:
  20. You don't know how to determine a gimmick from a basic fact? That is what makes BDS a psycho...uh oh, I am just kidding again

  21. The great diarist Samuel Pepy recorded everything he did, thought, and ate in his diary. I'm not sure if that is what makes him a great diarist or if it is because people thought he was a tad unhinged by his relentless need to have this information at his fingertips at all times. I'm thinking this would be the gentleman that would make fellow co-workers lose it. Plus having the same thing everyday is sort of like wearing a uniform to work - it takes all the guessing and obsessing out of it.

  22. Melissa - We'll see about the trip as I've lost sight of the end goal. But I'm with you on the weather as I never thought I would be asking for heat in Texas.

    Anonymous - I suppose that distinction was lost on me. But feel free to explain it. Use small words please.

    Sarcastic - It does take all the guesswork out of things, including grocery shopping as I could do it in my sleep. As for Pepy, I find that attention to detail both interesting and a tad scary.

  23. Sherry Says:
  24. I think in general, office workers are more likely to eat bad/fast food and are leery of those who bring in something with actual nutrition. You should take pride in being the "office serial killer", I know I do. :-)

  25. Carmel Says:
  26. That is a spectacular shot! I ate the same meal for a week because it was sooooo good, now I don't like it anymore, that meal you have looks good to me since rice is one of my fave foods.
    I haven't met the office weirdy, but this week I met the general store weirdy, I should have asked him what he has been eating!

  27. Sherry - I do take a certain perverse pride in the situation, and I've had at least 6 people come up to me and ask for dietary/workout advice during this time period. I used to charge for this service . . .

    Carmel - I wonder which is worse, office or general store weirdos. It might be a toss-up, but I would be wary in either case and watch his food consumption for clues. Beware.


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