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A Job The Economy Should Shed . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I went to a nice steakhouse last night where nearly everything was perfect - the cut of meat, the red wine, the asparagus - until I visited the bathroom. Then, things turned ugly.

It wasn't the bathroom itself, but rather the gentleman hovering inside the walls who made me uneasy. And angry.

I believe I've railed against bathroom attendants in the past, however, this is one topic where my irritation level has not ebbed, been diluted or softened. This is a job that needs to be banished from the face of the Earth.

Being a grown man, I have years of experience using the bathroom - alone.

I don't need a chaperone or someone shouting encouragement. I don't require another man to turn on the faucet or hand me a paper towel to dry my hands. Adults are veterans when it pertains to cleansing themselves. Even though children might need some help now and again, I don't believe a strange gentleman wearing a suit is the best solution for that scenario either in less you enjoy being slapped with lawsuits.

I can think of absolutely no good reason for these attendants to exist, and the worst part is that you're expected to tip them for providing their awkward presence while you're valiantly trying to urinate. Madness.

From the attendants perspective, this can't be a rewarding job. I don't make it a habit to linger in bathrooms, preferring to simply take care of my business and flee. But the bathroom is their office, so they are trapped inside the one place where the human condition is often at its most barbaric. It doesn't work for anyone.

The worst part was that I drank a lot of water throughout the day and then there was wine with dinner, a combination which sent me towards the bathroom three times before I left (it was a long, long meal). This also cost me $3 in tips.

I believe the next time I visit, I'll just urinate in a restaurant corner in protest until the attendant is re-assigned to another task.



  1. You do get it, do you? Washroom attendants do not just clean the washroom, they keep it clean by making you feel too uncomfortable to make a mess. Washrooms that don't have attendants are always in worse shape than those that do. Ever walk into a washroom and find shit on the toilet seat, cigarette butts in the urinals, urinal cakes on the floor? I have, and there was no attendant in that washroom. Most people don't make a mess in a public washroom. But some do. And those people don't when there is an attendant in the washroom.
    You say you feel uncomfortable with an attendant. Good. You're supposed to feel uncomfortable. It keeps you aware of your surroundings and how you are supposed to behave. Bodily fluids are to be disposed of properly. The attendant is kinda like a scarecrow. It keeps the bad people away, or at least, keeps them well-behaved.
    As for tipping, if I was stuck at a job having to smell other people's poo, I would require some money. I do my best not to poo in public washrooms, but if I really had to, and then I let out some really stanky ass shit, I would probably tip the attendant twenty bucks, at least. He's gotta stand there and smell it. Tipping would be my way of saying "I'm really sorry, but maybe after your shift, you should talk to the chef. I think he's doing something wrong, cuz that in there, that ain't right."

  2. I think I agree although WIGSF has a good point. Some people do spoil public restrooms, which are a necessity today. But why swanky hotels and schmancy resaurants instead of in gas stations, where they are most needed? No, the only reason I can think of to put an attendant into a bathroom is as a way to increase the shiek of the place. And it doesn't. Crapping is not the most sacred of activities. Maybe not barbaric, but certainly a moment that ought to be private. There doesn't need to a ceremonial blessing and I don't need to feel like the King of Austria by having all of my bodily functions monitored and celebrated by a guy in a tux. Lets trim this piece of fat.

  3. JLee Says:
  4. I didn't realize WIGSF was such an expert? lol
    I can't understand how men can "valiantly try to urinate" while someone is standing next to them doing the same, let alone an attendant! I think you should find a potted plant next time ;)

  5. Boxer Says:
  6. Is the attendant thing only for men? I know this is an old fashioned custom, but I'm just wondering.. did they exist for woman? Or are we better at leaving restrooms better than when we found them? (and I have to admit, there are times when I do grab a towel and dry the sink area before I leave.)

    WIGSF DOES make some great points and having seen some pretty awful things in nice restaurant restrooms, I get why they may be helpful. BUT, they shouldn't be tipped. If they are there to assist the business, the business should be paying them.... not you.

  7. Heff Says:
  8. Something tells me WIGSF has been a bathroom attendant before, Lol !!

    I'm with 2Dollar on this subject. Find a nice quite corner, or piss in a potted plant.

  9. Heff Says:
  10. er, "Quiet".

  11. There is no shame in being the person who cleans washrooms for a living. It's an awful job, but, washrooms don't clean themselves. (Okay, maybe some fancy ones in Japan do but right now, it's still cheaper to pay somebody to do it.) Somebody has to do it. I'm not ashamed to say I've done it. I'd rather have a shitty job than no job.

  12. WhatIgot - Ha. I think your comment is longer than my post. But you make many fine points as this was compelling explanation. Personally, I don't make a giant mess in bathrooms because I do realize someone has to maintain them, especially the nice ones. And you must have taken one horrendous dump to have to pay him $20. Ugly.

    Getoffmylawn - I remember your bathroom post quite well, so you're probably right about it not constituting barbarism, but it should be private as you noted. And you're right about not increasing the swankiness of a place - it's just irritating. Spend that money/time elsehwhere.

    Jlee - I know. We all have our hidden areas of extertise. And sometimes, it's not easy to get it all out when there's a crowd in the bathroom, hence the valiant effort. Ha.

    A.B. - I confirmed this from a female at the table - there was indeed an attendant in the ladies room. Fair is fair. Ha. I agree about not tipping, but then again, I would tip them if they would just leave and let me do my business in private. Maybe that's their goal . . .

    Heff - Ha. Maybe in WIGSF's former life, eh? Like the movie "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" - I''m sure you meant to wait for it on Dish. Ha. Finally, thanks for the self-correction.

  13. WhatIgot - Was this during the bowling alley days? That's the gig I always remember . . . And again, you make a fair point.

  14. Heff Says:
  15. Man, you just never know whose toes you're gonna step on in this crazy blogosphere, do ya ? Lol !!

  16. idobcool Says:
  17. Where do the restroom attendants go to to relieve themselves?

    That's what I'd like to know.

  18. Yup, the bowling alley jobs.

  19. Romany Angel Says:
  20. I just love your bathroom stories. I feel sorry for bathroom attendants as that would have to be one of the worst jobs imaginable. No disrespect intended WIGSF. Think about rock up to work feeling less than stellar or with a raging hangover and you spend the entire 8 hour shift smelling other people's bodily functions.

    I hope they get paid EXTREMELY well because they deserve it.

  21. Heff - That makes things interesting as you never know about people's experiences out there in Cyberspace . . . I kind of dig it.

    Idobcool - Good question. Hopefully, they relieve themselves in the coffee mug of the bar/restaurant owner.

    WhatIgot - I figured that job might include a wide variety of duties. At least you got some damn good stories from it.

    Romany Angel - I agree as they deserve every penny they are paid, but I blame the restaurant owner (or bar owner) who felt the need to hire someone and place them inside the bathroom. THey are the truly despicable person in this scenario. And there is absolutely no way I could show up with a raging hangover and spend 8 hrs inside a bathroom - not a chance in hell. Ha.

  22. I get stage fright. I can't pee if I know (or even suspect) someone's watching. Hence, if there's an attendant, he's going to be watching me for a long time until I can finish the job. Sometimes I can go into a stall and pee there. Other times it just never happens and I have to hold it until I can go to a less busy bathroom. Hence, I never tip the attendants. They make me uncomfortable and should not be rewarded.

  23. And apparently I like using the word 'hence'

  24. Miss Ash Says:
  25. I'm not a fan either, perhaps it's because I'm cheap or perhaps because I drink far too much when I'm out for an evening and spend precious beer money on tipping someone handing me a paper towel pisses me off.

  26. slopmaster Says:
  27. wigsf is an idiot. 'nough said. Sure Kramer's mom may have been a bathroom attendant, but it doesn't make it any more appealing. Let me do my shit in peace!

    It does remind me of that SNL skit where the bathroom attendant is in the stall WITH you while you're taking a dump.

  28. slopmaster Says:
  29. also, I have a question... how much do they actually make?? Is he walking home with a 100 bux a night from making me uncomfortable?

  30. Native Minnow - I'm with you and usually opt for the stall if it's available (even to pee) as I prefer to spread my wings if you know what I mean. Not really, but I guess the point is that I don't enjoy pissing next to some other guy who's close enough rub shoulders against. And I like the word hence just fine, but maybe space it out a bit in the future. Ha.

    Miss Ash - I can certainly respect not wanting to waste valuable drinking money as that is an admirable stance. And I just have a problem rewarding or tipping people who perform tasks that irritate me - it's the principle.

    Slopmaster - I forgot about Kramer's mom . . . As I've mentioned, my head for 'Seinfeld' trivia is piss poor for reasons I can't entirely explain as I have good head for entertainment questions as a general rule. Selah. And I'll have to look for the 'SNL' skit on Youtube as I haven't seen it. Finally, guessing from the amount I saw in the tip jar, I'd place a nightly take home closer to $40 - $50, which still isn't half-bad.

  31. Boxer Says:
  32. $40.00 is NOT worth listening to a bunch of men urinate.

  33. A.B. - I agree. Not even close . . . and it's probably worse than just urination. Ha.


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