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Corporate Etiquette 112 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, December 15, 2008

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the 12th in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

I survived my company holiday party this past weekend, and overall, it went as well as it possibly could have given the inherently limited potential of such events.


{Editor's Note: This was NOT my actual Christmas party}

All the standard party checklists were accounted for: Drink coupons on the name tags, chicken or fish, speculation concerning who the slutty intern might sleep with, small amount of face-time with the CEO to prove you were there, speeches about company accomplishments, and there was even a Happy Holiday card to each employee which contained a crisp $100 bill.

That last bit was a nice touch.

Around 9:47 p.m., I was feeling quite lucky. Everyone I needed to greet had been found, there was no awkward dancing about to happen and everyone was finished eating which meant a stealthy exit for my wife and I that would draw little attention. But I needed to use the bathroom, which was where the trouble began.

The Men's Room was located at the back of the ballroom. I walked inside and heard a muffled giggle. This should have immediately caused me to spin around and exit, however, I ignored the sound and strolled further inside to find a lone man standing at the urinal with a drink in one hand while his other appendage was trying desperately to rescue his pants from around his ankles.

This wasn't the bothersome aspect. Instead, it was the fact that the man was wearing black bikini briefs that seemed to feature a hot pink striped pattern running throughout the fabric. I can't be completely sure as I averted my eyes and walked to the sink to wash my hands and settle my mind.


The strangest part of the whole thing was that I'm almost positive he worked in our engineering department. I hate to generalize about people, however, if there was one section of the company that I doubted would boast even a single pair of bikini underwear among them, it would be the engineering department.

But obviously I was wrong as here was a pair of pink and black ones peering out from an unsteady hand that simply couldn't register that setting the drink down would allow him to raise his pants.

It was time to leave. I raced from the bathroom - bladder still full - and walked quickly outside where my wife was waiting. The ride home was quiet as I focused on not making a mess in my new car while also attempting to cleanse my mind of a bizarre Christmas party image.

-BDS

19 comments

  1. Heff Says:
  2. Perhaps you'd have felt more at ease had a bathroom attendant been present, lol !

     
  3. JLee Says:
  4. hahahaha...that is very surprising, especially for an engineer type. It's even funnier that he was giggling and trying to navigate his pants situation.
    Your holiday party sounds WAY better than ours. We got a crappy free Starbucks coffee coupon and plastic tableware. Times are tough...

    word verification: nonstopj (no kidding)

     
  5. Heff - Ha. That would have only made a bad situation even worse. Trust me.

    Jlee - I was pleasantly surprised even though they forced me to give up a Saturday night, which left me in a foul mood. They should have held it on a Thursday or Friday . . . And I wish I could have laughed at the situation like he did. Ha. Word verification gave me something odd the other day too, but it escapes me at the moment.

     
  6. nobich Says:
  7. You really need to stop going to the men's room altogether. Just hold it in.

     
  8. Boxer Says:
  9. and this is why I refuse to have any more Christmas Parties for the employees. We had out gift cards to nice restaurants and let them pick the night, the date and whatever underwear they'd like to wear.

     
  10. BostonPobble Says:
  11. I'm with nobich. My first thought was "$$ has the worst possible luck in bathrooms. what is it with this man and bathrooms?" Bad bathroom juju, my friend.

    And is it a prerequisite at your company that everyone be magnificently beautiful?

     
  12. Nobich - I was thinking something similar too . . . But bad luck tends to run in 3s, so I've got 2 down yet I'm terrified about the final installment. Ha. Ugly.

    Boxer - That is very, very considerate of you, and I'm sure your employees appreciate it - I know I would be thrilled. Smart move for everyone involved.

    Bostonpobble - I know . . . I think that the law of averages also catches up with me because I tend to drink a lot of water and coffee everyday, so I also tend to visit the bathroom frequently which only increases my chances for illicit behavior. Maybe I need to limit my beverage intake, eh? And no, there is no prerequisite as that company party was a picture I found on Google (though I wonder which office that is too - ha).

     
  13. Wendy Says:
  14. I'm not so shocked by the underwear as I am by the $100. Geesh. When I worked in Corporate Land, the biggest bonus I ever got was a frozen turkey.

     
  15. Linda Says:
  16. You could have offered to hold the drink while he took care of business, and maybe he would have tipped you!

     
  17. Wendy - I was happily surprised, but two years ago, they gave all the spouses a $200 Visa gift card (back when we were flush with VC money). Still, I'll take it & feel lucky.

    Linda - Oh no, that would have brought me far too close to the underwear in question. That being said, if he tipped me the $100 bill that he received from the company - maybe. Ha.

     
  18. Miss Ash Says:
  19. I love it!!

    My male friend was sporting a pair of white bikini brief thingamagigs once. He left them on the hotel bathroom floor "by mistake"

    Come on now....you've never ever worn a man thong ever??

     
  20. grace Says:
  21. That's pretty funny. At my Christmas party a couple of years ago, I remember seeing a lady in the bathroom wash her hands after doing her business, and then raising her leg and spraying something onto her crotch. Ok first of all, what the heck is she spraying down there?! And secondly, why didn't she spray herself when she was in the stall?

    Some people just blow my mind.

     
  22. That's it. You need an electively surgically implanted colostomy bag op you never have to worry about public toilets ever again. I'll chip in for the surgery.

     
  23. Wait, but who was giggling? The man with the bikini briefs? You? Someone else watching through a peep hole? I need to know more details.

    Also, I was about to scroll down and comment about how you would get no sympathy from me about having to go to your office parties with that many attractive Asian women around (I have a thing for them you know). But then I saw the editor's note proclaiming that it was not, in fact, your office party. Too bad.

     
  24. Miss Ash - Never. I promise. Ha. I'm much more willing to forsake all than go with a thong, although I do like them on women quite a bit. That is a double standard I simply have to live with, and as for your friend, 'mistake' my ass. Ha.

    Grace - I know, people never cease to amaze me. I guess it keeps things interesting, however, sometimes I'm fine with keeping things mundane, especially in the bathroom. As for your Xmas party, that is a bizarre story, but maybe this happens frequently in the ladie's room as I'm not completely up to speed on what constitutes normal behavior in there. Ha.

    Getoffmylawn - Maybe that is simply the best and easiest and safest way to avoid this kind of thing. But man, it would likely crimp your romantic possibilities wouldn't it? I have to assume the answer is yes.

    Native Minnow - I do know your powerful lust for them, so I'm sorry to disappoint and even sorrier that I don't know where that party took place so you could crash it in the future. If I find out, I will send word. Finally, it was the guy with his pants down who was giggling, although I'm not sure what the joke entailed.

     
  25. TROLL Says:
  26. Send the HR and/or Legal Department some recent cases where employers have been held financially responsible for Xmas party shennigans.

     
  27. Romany Angel Says:
  28. One word for you for any future bathroom dealings at work and/or work functions.....catheter. Sure it's not very sexy but it's that or these emotionally scarring events that keep plaguing you in the workplace.

     
  29. TheTroll - A fair point, but then I would have to admit to and describe the situation to the HR department. If it ever leaked out, I would be finished. Ha.

    Romany Angel - I know as I assume this would be a far steadier existence, however, I just can't justify the killjoy it would be in the bedroom. Ha.

     
  30. Romany Angel Says:
  31. You take it out in the bedroom you wally. Goodness...do I have to explain everything?? :)

     

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