Blog Archive

Craig's Cautionary Tales . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I sold my old TV console on Craigslist yesterday. It was simple and painless. The person came to my loft, handed me cash and then left within a few minutes after I wedged the damn thing into the backseat of her gray Nissan Altima.

All transactions should be this easy.

I've enjoyed great success with Craig and his list. Mostly I've sold outdated pieces of furniture and computer equipment, although I did once buy a glass coffee table which I later broke after slamming my fist through the edge during a particularly heated Dallas Mavericks play-off basketball game (I'm not proud).

But it was only lately that I realized that Craig also utilizes his skills for bringing people together to really bring people together - if you know what I mean.

I realize this isn't cutting-edge knowledge to many people. Craig has been known for years to boast a robust platform for hooking up random people to engage in sexual encounters in strange places in cities across the country. After posting my console, I was curious and looked around at the listings in the personals section.

The best part was the detail-oriented nature of the requests for sex. This seems like a natural extension of an increasingly individualized country who wants exactly what they want - whether that be coffee from Costa Rica, cumquats from Fiji or handjobs inside the bathroom at a local gas station located just south of downtown.

The connecting thread is that these people want it right now. There is no patience for a fruit shipment slated for next week nor is there any leniency granted if you want your ass bitten on a Tuesday afternoon. If one place or person cannot fulfill the request, then somebody else will step up to the plate.

You'll find ads such as:

Single White Female seeking sex companion hung like a bull moose for three-way with husband, filmed by a dwarf who may or may not participate in the action. Must be adventurous and have a car that can travel at least 52.5 miles roundtrip from Austin.


Swinging guy still flush with cash and wishing to indulge in cocaine-fueled romp with busty brunette who needs a fine eye for detail, latex stockings and a cattle prod for discipline because I require it.

Different strokes, eh?

This all seemed like a reasonable idea for Craig. I figure as long as everyone knows what they're getting into and are also consenting adults, then the system might just work.

Then I read a story in the Austin newspaper. The facts were that this guy showed up at an apartment complex after reading a Craigslist posting from a female looking for sex. He knocked on the door, and some guy answered who told him that the girl had gone to the store, but would be back soon.

He invited him in, and fixed him a drink. There was something in the drink that knocked the guy out. When he woke up, he had been sodomized. The girl never showed up. This was a terrible story, and a cautionary tale. It was also a horribly planned crime because obviously the victim would know where you lived, but that's another matter entirely.

Anyway, I guess the best advice is simply to use Craig sell your old stuff and leave the sex romps to the professionals.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Gosh, I had no Idea. I hope nobody gets "Craig's Disease".

  3. But if I happen to sell my old TV to some sexy blonde and she just happens to be willing to flip around my dial, I would be stupid not to take advantage of the opportunity, right?

  4. Heff - That's a good term for any fall-out from these meetings. I'll watch to see if it gains popularity.

    WhatIgot - Good question. I think if you can combine the two, then you should barter yourself into the best deal possible. Just beware.

  5. TROLL Says:
  6. When is "The Shield" tome gonna be ready?

  7. Miss Ash Says:
  8. Now I have to go and look at the listings! I always thought it was for people wanting to date or something like that. I had no idea Craig had a dirty naughty side!

  9. TheTroll - I plan to write it tomorrow for posting on Monday. That work?

    Miss Ash - I'm glad I can spread the knowledge, but remember that you're resting yr. back. Ha. Craigslist has been busted several times for hookers hawking their services too.

  10. nobich Says:
  11. Scary story but I guess it would be a he said he said story. Would the guy want to prove it? or just forget it happened?

  12. Romany Angel Says:
  13. That's really awful and very stupid on the perp's behalf because like you said, the victim knows where they live.

    Like Nobich said though, would the guy want to prove it? I think there is even less incidences of guys reporting these things than women rape victims and maybe that's what the animals who do these things count on. Fucksticks!! (there...I managed to get it in there somewhere)

  14. Nobich - Good point/question. I hope I never have to find out, but this guy definitely wanted to remember and he filed charges. There are no winners in that situation.

    Romany Angel - I try to work 'fuckstick' into conversations, but they usually only happen on the weekends (i.e. away from work), nice job getting it in here. Ha. And I guess the perp just figured he didn't care if he got caught or that the guy would want to forget and not file charges like Nobich wondered. Regardless, it's not a good situation at all.

  15. A.B. Says:
  16. I've used Craigslist to hire employees, get rid of an old oven we used in the shop AND I had my beloved dog returned within hours (not days or worse) because of it. I love it. One of my favorite "games" to play (when really bored) is to pick a random city and then read the rants/ravs, casual hookups, job listings, etc. The best to date was Des Moines Iowa where I SWEAR they were complaining about the corn crops. AHAHAH. The casual hookups were married traveling salesmen looking for gay boys (nice)... go to NYC .... oh good lord the Rants/Raves are worth reading.

  17. JLee Says:
  18. I've had good success with it for selling household items, but I really wish you would take my "Moose" ad down please...and thank you.

  19. Linda Says:
  20. Dude, all I want from Craig's list is to sell my under-used piano. I'm keeping a baseball bat handy if some crazy old perv shows up ... and he'd better have cash!

  21. I am aware of Craig's list and the various things that are advertised there. It actually can be a wonderful thing, you know, as long as you don't get drugged and sodomized...

  22. cats Says:
  23. well, you sold me. i've been meaning to try and put some things on craigs list(no body parts included. we're moving and i want to get rid of a piano and some other furniture) so right after reading your post i went to craigslist and i can't sign up because there is an error.

    so much for easy.

  24. You went to the "bathroom at a local gas station located just south of downtown," didn't you?

    I find great humor in browsing the Craig's List personals. I'm amazed that people go for it. Although, my ex-wife recently sold some stuff on there and ended up meeting a Buddhist stripper. I'm not even joking. Maybe I need to list a few things myself.

  25. A.B. - You are a Craigslist veteran. Ha. That's great about the hiring bit too as I am relatively vanilla on the site, and only use it for selling. That being said, thanks for the tips as I can always use a little amusement. Who couldn't, eh?

    Jlee - Sorry to bust you, but if not me, then it might be the cops. Ha. Stay safe. And remember that a moose sounds better in theory than reality.

    Linda - Smart move. "Under-used piano" might be a code word . . . Ha. I bet you'll be OK, but keep the bat handy just in case.

    TrinabeingTrina - You said it . . . I figure most things are just fine as long as the end result doesn't find you drugged and sodomized. Ha. At least that's my stance on the subject.

    Cats - I should have known that I would jinx you . . . try again as I have found it be the easiest way to sell old stuff and the best part is that people come and pick it up. Good luck.
    Native Minnow - That's awesome. A Buddhist stripper, eh? I wouldn't mind meeting one of those myself - purely for research. No comment on teh bathroom.

  26. BostonPobble Says:
  27. I'm a fan of craigslist and have been for quite some time. I've had great success finding AND posting things there. 'Course, I'm not saying what. ;)

  28. Wendy Says:
  29. OK, so you're saying that when my husband sold our old pool equipment on Craigslist, he really DID sell the pool equipment? Whew. What a relief.

  30. Bostonpobble - We all have to make money somehow in this economy, eh? Ha. And knock on wood, we'll both continue to find success w/ Craig.

    Wendy - I would check to make sure the pool equipment is actually gone from you house, but yes, I would give yr. husband the benefit of the doubt. Unless "pool equipment" is a lingo that I don't know about . . . probably not.


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