{This is the 22nd entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we finished the Shiner Bock from the TX-OU game which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* Anyone who farts inside a new car without asking permission should have their assholes cut out
* Texting while driving is far worse than talking while driving
* Inspirational sayings become even more ridiculous when you write them on a white board at work
* There are no good-looking stewardesses flying anymore - they're deader than dinosaurs
* Never wink at a woman unless you're being ironic, and even then it won't help you get laid
* There's a fine line between a playful slap and a crimson handprint on somebody's ass
* If you're older than 30 and eating Captain Crunch cereal, then you're probably stoned. 
* It's better to swim in your boxers than borrow another man's swimsuit
* The reason soccer is such a low-scoring game is because scoring a goal is rewarded by being gang-tackled and dry-humped by your entire team in the middle of the field
* "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra
-BDS
I always enjoy this feature.
I take it someone farted in your car, and it wasn't you.
I dig CrunchBerries, but I'm not implying anything.
- You can't cut out a hole, all you will do is make the hole bigger. That would be like turning an ass into a sawed-off shotgun. More spray.
- I still don't get why people text at all. With that phone, you can talk to people in real time.
- There is nothing more inspirational than "Do it or else!"
- Good looking stewardesses were phased out by those damn woman's libbers who made us men hire women based on aptitude and not the perkiness of their tits.
- I've never tried winking at a woman, but I'm willing to try. What's the worst that can happen, I'll get slapped. Still more action than I've had in a long time.
- Exactly, adults prefer Trix.
- Nothing that's touched my wang should ever touch another man's wang. That's the rule. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS!
- Ever see that clip from the guy who tackled his teammate after a goal was scored then kissed his teammate's package? What was that guy thinking? And that post game locker room shower musta been real quiet.
And I agree with Heff on his first two points.
Heff - You better believe it about the fart as that showed a lack of decency in my mind. And I actually like the Captain too, however, I like him more under certain cirumstances.
WhatIgot - Ha. Sawed-off shotgun indeed. That's wise advice. I think threats work better than inspiration too, winking just makes you look like you have a tick or something (but probably won't get you slapped, you understand the swimsuit issue exactly and I've never seen that clip but that is taking things to another level. I'll take a look on Youtube.
I'm stealing the soccer reference.
Farting in a car is rude to begin with, in a new car, inexcusable. That Sinatra quote is one of my favorites of all time ... and so appropriate for this feature. Thanks for the chuckle!
You know, I used to think the drunken Viken was actually you. Ahahaha, I've missed "him."
Such sage advice today - down to the box of Capn Crunchy. Although my version is opening the bag of caramel that comes in those boxes of caramel popcorn. Popping the corn? Too much work!
Happy Wedneday.
Does Raisin Bran mean my partying days are over?
TheTroll - Go right ahead as I've always found it to be a strange way to celebrate.
Linda - No problem as I love that Sinatra quote as well. I agree about the general car rule too (and it's only worse in a new one).
A.B. - That is me dammit! In the flesh & with horns - I just need to update the pic. Anyway, it is too much work to pop the corn as I've tried before & my mind wanders & suddenly I've got a burned bag of nastiness. Happy Wednesday back at you.
Wendy - It might, but then again, I have a box of Fiber 1 honey flakes around too and I refuse to think too deeply on the meaning. Ha.
"Anyone who farts inside a new car without asking permission..."
Like you would say "yes" if they DID ask? ha
I love the quote at the end & I'm writing it down for future use.
Jlee - It's the principle that counts Jlee. Ha. Never mind what my answer would be. The bastard.
Nobich - You can't go wrong with Frank. Use it well.
That swine...farting in your new car, like he thought you'd be pleased. I hope you made him get out and walk :)
Loved Cranky Franky's quote at the end. He was a gold mine in his day.
OK, that makes it that much better.
I do love the drunkee Viking posts.
Dude...check it out...the ghost shapes change color...seriously...
Gypsy - Sinatra had more than a few excellent lines & he was a cool guy. I love the word 'swine' as I need to use it more often & it definitely fits this situation.
Anonymous Boxer - I'm glad I could clear that up . . . Ha. I like the Viking too, however, I'm inherently biased.
Bostonpobble - Don't make find out for sure dammit. I can see myself shopping this weekend & thinking "I wonder if they do change colors & buying them." I'll stay strong.
Bring back the hot flight attendants. Seriously, I'd fly more.
And you should cut the farter's balls off instead. It's more of a punishment, and perhaps better suited for the crime.
Yeah what happened to flight attendants? I always thought that had to be a certain height/weight....
Native Minnow - Man, you are taking it to another level entirely with this balls removal. Ha. But sometimes you have to let the punishment fit the crime, eh? And yes, I'm right there with you on flying.
Miss Ash - Maybe they should . . . Ha. Actually, that would just be one lawsuit after another, so I guess we'll just have to get used to the adjustment. Whimper.