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Corporate Etiquette 110 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, October 27, 2008

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the 10th in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

Several years ago I made my living as a personal trainer. My current position is far removed from the health care/gigolo industry, and yet my previous life continues to bubble up time and again.

This past Friday, I closed a sizable deal which gained visibility up to our CEO's office. Our leader considers himself something of a physical specimen with a fitness regime that includes martial arts displays in an unused back portion of our office (see previous series entry for details).

He will occasionally stop by my office, and discuss his previous workout in great detail, a conversational stance which is only slightly more interesting than watching paint dry, masturbating in the dark or cutting my toenails.


But on Friday afternoon, it was 80 degrees and nearly 4 p.m. and I was about to flee towards a rooftop bar downtown when he suddenly appeared at my desk and announced that we needed to celebrate the deal being closed with push-ups. Seriously.


"I appreciate the gesture, but maybe we should save the celebration for next week," I said, hoping that this postponement would mean it would never happen.

"Nonsense. Let's go."

I reluctantly came around the desk and we moved into the main office area. The CEO made a small speech about my contribution, the importance of the end of the year for the company and a few other things as I kept trying to inch towards the back of the crowd.

"And now, we're going to celebrate the deal with 90 push-ups. BDS come join me."

Shit.

Polite applause. I drifted forward and then found myself next to our CEO, on the ground and doing 3 sets of 30 push-ups as my mind wondered how in the hell this seemed reasonable to anyone involved in the proceedings.

Luckily, it ended and I got a back slap and kept a wide grin on my face as I pretended to head back to my office. I kept walking past the back exit, down to my car and straight to the bar where I sipped a Fat Tire and pondered the implications of celebration by push-up.

Even after 3 more beers, I couldn't make any sense of it.

-BDS

20 comments

  1. I think your CEO is a testosterone junkie.

    "Good work 2DP! Let's do some pushups. Aaah-oooh!"

     
  2. Gypsy Says:
  3. I think your boss may be a sandwich short of a picnic but hey...he recognised your good work and so many of the upper echelon never do. What's a few push ups for a bit of recognition...eh?


    I wanted to congratulate you on a job well done but I think the fact you can even do 90 push ups is more worthy of mention. Congrats on both counts.

     
  4. WhatIgot - That is very possible, but it doesn't make it any less ridiculous. Aaah-oooh! indeed as I guess you can do whatever you want (mostly) once you get to be CEO.

    Gypsy - He's got a head for numbers as he used to be the CFO, however, his blind spot is this somewhat crazed fitness regime. Ha. And he can keep the push-ups, I'll just take the commission check as that's what I get excited about. Ha. Thanks on the push-up count.

     
  5. Heff Says:
  6. That is pretty damn crazy. Never heard of it.

     
  7. JLee Says:
  8. Wow. This guy is too much. He's starting to remind me of that creepy Dr. Rey on "Dr. 90210" ha
    At least he picked a good number of situps, but I think I would choose the masturbation over him. lol

     
  9. Heff- Damn right. But I've seen him do it with others before, so it's not just me. Bizarre.

    Jlee - Nobody is quite as ridiculous as Dr. Rey - that guy takes the cake (how does his wife stay married to him?). And yes, the number was fine, although it could have been much lower - say 9 - and yet I would have chosen the darkness over that any day of the week. Ha.

     
  10. pamokc Says:
  11. You should send this in to the writers of "The Office", truth being stranger than fiction. He just had to be competitive about SOMETHING, eh?

     
  12. A.B. Says:
  13. I've been in sales 20 years and I've NEVER heard of such a strange request. Me thinks your great sale pushed some ancient "boy" buttons in your boss and he needed to prove he can still "take" you. You should consider yourself lucky... he could have clubbed you.

     
  14. Wendy Says:
  15. OK, now I'm VERY glad I don't work in an office. Seriously. I can't even do girl-pushups.

    I really hope that the celebratory exercise wasn't in lieu of a Christmas bonus.

     
  16. Linda Says:
  17. Wow, that's beyond weird. And to think we give gift cards and free lunch once in a while for a job well done. Never thought of breaking out the calisthenics. Yikes!

     
  18. BostonPobble Says:
  19. I think it's a shame about your boss's insecurities. Surely his penis isn't *that* much smaller than Stanley. Poor man.

    Congratulations, though, on the deal ~ and on being able to manage 90 push ups At All. A feat I find just this side of sprouting wings and flying.

     
  20. Pamokc - Ha. You're right as I actually thought about it seeming like a B-grade episode of "The Office." Luckily, he's not typically as crazed/bizarre as Michael Scott on most days. Last Friday, however, was a notable exception.


    A.B. - A clubbing would have been far worse, although it makes me think of a movie where a car salesman threatens to "club a baby seal to make a better deal." It was a comedy. Ha. Anyway, you're likely right as I've celebrated with drinks, gift cards, etc. and yet this past Friday it was push-ups. To me, that doesn't set a precedent that others would want to follow by closing something only to be rewarded with exercise.

    Wendy - Maybe you should make yourself do girl push-ups when you have writer's block. You could yell insults at yourself or give yourself a pep talk and push up at the same time . . . Don't discount it out of hand as you never know what might work. And I'll get my commission in December for the deal, so the push-ups were just a little something extra. Lucky me.

    Linda - Exactly. A gift card and a lunch are regular, reasonable things to reward someone with versus an audience-watching push-up exhibition. Ha. It makes no sense as all to "reward" someone with that kind of behavior.

    Bostonpobble - I couldn't do all 90 in a row as that would have resulted in total collapse and system malfunction, however, I usually do sets of 25 when I work out, so it wasn't totally out of left field. But I agree about the bizarre insecurity because he doesn't KNOW how much larger Stanley might be, although I have no idea what he might suspect. Ha. Let's leave it at that.

     
  21. nobich Says:
  22. Isn't this harassment of some sort maybe we should call someone.....

     
  23. Miss Ash Says:
  24. You really can't even make shit like this up. How is that your reward?? It sounds more like an odd punishment to me!

     
  25. TROLL Says:
  26. Don't ponder it too hard. It's a mystery. Like why Texas and Penn State are ranked Numbers 1 and 2 when both would be winless if they played in the SEC.

    Yes, I know you THINK Texas could beat Vandy. But you're wrong.

     
  27. Nobich - It probably technically falls into that category, however, with the current state of the economy, I don't think I'll pursue it. Ha. We'll see what happens when things turn around.

    Miss Ash - The truth is nearly always stranger than fiction. And I agree as that is the most bizarre, inane (sp?) reward I've received in a long, long time. Next time, I'll skip the celebration and leave even earlier.

    TheTroll - This is still a mystery whereas Texas being #1 constitutes an innate sense of reasoning. Hell, it's like Muschamp (sp?) said recently when asked about the SEC: "I'd like to play against some of their offenses." The point being they have none outside of run, run and then throw a 5-yard pass into the turf. Oh well, Texas could very well lose against Tech this weekend, so it's likely not going to matter in the end. Penn State is another matter entirely as the Big 10 is awful and unwatchable.

     
  28. You was such a good sport about the situation. The average person just simply would not have done it. But I agree with with a.b., he just wanted to show you he can still "hang with the best of them". Hahaha

     
  29. TrinabeingTrina - I was a very reluctant sport, and it was probably due to the fact that pissing off the CEO on a Friday afternoon might have ruined my weekend. Ha.

     
  30. TROLL Says:
  31. I agree Texas isn't a joke like Penn State and the Big 10 but...

    The Mighty Fighting Gators STARTERS have scored 95 points in the last 6 quarters they've played. Both games against teams with statistically good defenses.

    Would you say they have a good offense only if they let the starters play the whole game and rack-up the big numbers?

    I'd call that bad sportsmanship and bad coaching, myself.

    I'd also say it was bad coaching if the Gators threw "exciting" long passes 30x per game. They have the fastest player in Football (including the nfl) and 3 others who run sub 4.3s.

    If you have players who can turn a "boring" 5 yard pass into 70 yard touchdowns, why throw bombs?

    The SEC is once again the premier conference. And the bowl games will once again prove that.

     
  32. TheTroll - OK. Those are reasonable arguments, and I'm not saying the SEC isn't at the top, however, I still only think that Florida, Georgia and Alabama are legitimite Top 10 teams this year.

    In the Big 12, I would argue for Texas, OU, Oklahoma State would stack up just fine against those other 3, but it's the latter parts of the conference where the Big 12 has an edge - this year.

    As you mentioned, we'll see what happens in the bowl games, but I'm worried about the home stretch of the season to see which bowls will happen as I would again argue that Texas has played the hardest or at least tied for the hardest schedule of anyone in the country this year.

     

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