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The Worst Bathroom In The World . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, March 24, 2008

Somewhere south of Waco and west of Interstate 35 sits a towering Smiley-Face sign that is evil.

My brother and I witnessed its venom first-hand yesterday during our drive back to Austin. We had been on the road for more than four hours, and desperately needed a bathroom break when we crested a hill and were confronted with the sign.

It seemed perfect. The gas station beneath the Smiley-Face offered an easy exit with an equally simple way to return to the highway. We parked, and entered feeling confident that this would be a relief, an oasis of good intentions belied by the sign out front.

{Editor's Note: This was not the gas station in question.}

We couldn't have been more wrong.

Five feet outside the bathroom door, the odor began to waft and caused my nose to twitch. But nothing could have prepared us for the horror which awaited once the door was opened. I felt like I had stepped into the toilet from "Trainspotting" except that this bathroom was full of them.

The smell was pungent and ripe. It nearly knocked you down as the air was thick with trapped, heated gas. I staggered sideways towards the bank of urinals, where I discovered that two out of the three available weren't working and the one that was in order had a trucker standing in front of it.

Ignoring the trash bags that covered the non-working urinals, some sick bastard had still decided to take a shit in one of them. What kind of sick animal craps in a urinal I wondered as my brother motioned towards the stalls.

My brother won the lottery in the stalls as his toilet was only covered in rotting piss. This was a best-case scenario because mine was filled to the brim with shit. Feces had breached the water line and risen like a vile wave on a angry day at the ocean and was threatening to exit the entire bowl.

Where do the employees of this hell-hole use the bathroom, I thought to myself?

There was nowhere to run, and no place to escape so I proceeded to urinate on this heaping pile of human filth while alternately reading some of the ugliest graffiti I've seen in awhile. Most of the messages extolled the virtues of Hispanic pussy, although amidst the misspellings and lewd suggestions, someone had drawn a nicely realized unicorn which provided me a certain calmness in the face of the abyss.

Still, the whole situation was too much and I started to cackle. It began as a small laugh, then eventually erupted as I felt myself losing my grip on reality. I heard my brother flee his stall and this horrible bathroom and I managed to follow suit without touch anything on the way out.

We were both shaken from the ordeal as we stepped into the fresh air waiting outside.

Nobody said anything for the next 20 miles of highway driving as we both realized just how lucky we were to have survived. The Smiley-Face was a cruel joke, its perverse laughter rang in our ears as we made our way back into Austin, alive and well but forever changed by a gas station restroom that should be burned to the ground.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Ha. This post reminds me of every family vacation I ever went on. Every single gas station bathroom I've ever been in appears to have been decorated by the Shit Fairy. I hope you've at least forgotten the smell by now, if that's even possible.

  3. JLee Says:
  4. "shit fairy" haha

    I'm glad I ate breakfast already because you painted a mighty vivid picture there. At least guys can go behind a tree or something. It might have been worth the risk of being arrested.

  5. Anonymous Says:
  6. I used to work the midnight-to-dawn shift at a bowling alley. The nightmares I saw in the washrooms there were many. And that's just the ladies room. For some messes to have been created, someone would have had actually pick up the fecal matter out of the toilet and smear it on the mirror. Who does that?

  7. Heff - I know. Most bathrooms are terrible, but this one put the others to shame. And I just wish I had not run into the Shit Fairy when the Easter Bunny would have been more applicable.

    Jlee - I would have preferred a tree, but that's a fairly desolate stretch of road south of Waco. Also, I've gotten one public urination ticket, and don't want to get another. Ha.

    WhatIgot - I remember you writing about your bowling alley stint, and for some reason, it seems worse that it would happen in the women's room. I don't know why. And your smearing question is another valid one that I would like an answer to, yet don't really want to know.

  8. Miss Ash Says:
  9. That made me want to vomit LOL. I would have suggested either waiting for your brothers less nasty stall or just peeing outside behind the building if it wasn't busy. How long can a piss take, trees or no trees. That would be worth the public urination ticket.

  10. I think I've been to that restroom - I was travelling across Texas many moons ago suffering from the a bout of food poisoning and REALLY needed a place to, er, "be alone with my pain" - and yeah, what you described is what I found... and despite my "urgent" need.... I left. Men have it so many easier.

    Oh and that picture you posted? It looks like the restroom in our shop so I've just gone out there and said "CLEAN IT UP". Thanks!

  11. Gypsy Says:
  12. I'm sorry, but ticket or no ticket, I would have done what I needed to right in the open before I would have gone in that restroom. I'm sure the facilities at the lockup would have been a mild improvement.

  13. nobich Says:
  14. Should've went outside...

  15. Miss Ash - It might have been worth the ticket, although I can't remember the exact fine and I imagine it's gone up w/ inflation since I received it in college. And if you were ready to gag, then this post did its job. Ha.

    Anonymous Boxer - If you happened across the same restroom, then I pity you because I have it on good authority that the women's room is every bit as bad as the mens. Terrifying. But it's also scary that the shop toilet is in disarray as I know you sometimes have to work around the clock to get orders out the door and that is not conducive to long hours at the office. Ha. Nice work starting the clean-up process.

    Gypsy - You're right about the prison having a nicer bathroom - at least I assume the odds are fifty-fifty or better. We should have kept driving or gone outside, however, my brain shut down a little bit upon entering, so I will scapegoat it as the culprit.

    Nobich - I know. I know.

  16. BostonPobble Says:
  17. I've always thought bathrooms like this would be a good time to be a guy because you could just whip it out behind the building. Guess not, huh? Reality rears its ugly head in my little penis envy world. *sigh*

  18. H.Wood Says:
  19. Sounds like it was destroyed beyond repair. A mercy-killing might be in order. Go back with a pack of matches.

  20. Wendy Says:
  21. There must be some kind of Freudian link between one's level of anger and how one behaves in a public toilet. Maybe the people who hate their moms the most also poop in urinals.

  22. vivavavoom Says:
  23. that was disgusting....and SO vividly written. I did imagine that scene in Trainspotting. great movie!!glad you made it out alive....and please tell me you touched nothing. I think I would have used the outdoors, especially if I was a all have it so easy...whip it out, go and put it back squatting, hoping you don't get your underwear, etc, etc.

  24. That sounds like something that is found in a horror movie. I don't know how you survived. I would have probably died from the smell alone!

  25. Claire Says:
  26. Ewwwwwwwwww.



  27. Bostonpobble - In theory, you are correct, so that shouldn't shatter the utopia of a penis envy world. Ha. I should have done just that, and if another circumstance like that occurs, it WILL happen.

    H. Wood - Mercy-killing indeed. There were people smoking in front of the shop, and with the gases wafting through the store itself, I was semi-surprised it didn't go up with me in it. Small favors.

    Wendy - Ha. I like that hypothesis, but I still can't fathom who would find it reasonable to crap in a urinal that already was out of order and had a plastic bag over it? I probably never want to find out.

    Vivavavoom - Trainspotting was an excellent movie, and I own it on DVD. I didn't touch a thing as I kicked open the door on the way out. And yes, in general guys have it far better with being able to pee anywhere very easily as I don't know how women use port-a-pots as those things are pretty damn nasty too.

    Trinabeingtrina - Great to see you around, and it was a horrorific experience. I think the smell shut down part of my brain, which still allowed my body to function, but I felt a bit loopy.

    Claire - Those were my reactions too. It was so terrible, you had to laugh - or cry. Ha.

  28. The Troll Says:
  29. Was the station operated by Pakis, Palestains or some other variety of muslib?

  30. Gnightgirl Says:
  31. You didn't consider checking out the ladies room?! I've made men wait while I use theirs, when the ladies is a mess (yes, women can be pigs too!)

  32. TheTroll - Actually, none of the above. It's just a little south of Waco, which means you're not going to find many people who aren't white in my brief experiences while passing through to Austin. That being said, I left the place so fast I didn't get a particuarly good look.

    Gnightgirl - I met an old girlfriend in the men's room one time, so I have seen this bathroom swapping work. However, I didn't even consider it in this case because I didn't want to get arrested in this small town and face a fate worse than deplorable toilets. Maybe it was a bad decision in hindsight.

  33. Wel written. Thanks for the laugh. Your description actually made me gag. Thank Christ for unicorns.

  34. Grace Says:
  35. Ok, I actually brought my hand up to my nose while reading that; very descriptive... thanks a lot.


  36. Getoffmylawn - Thanks as I think forcing a gag reflex is the only sign this could be written well. Ha. And I agree about unicorns as they were the only redeeming thing about the whole experience.

    Grace - It must have been hell typing with one hand holding your nose, eh? It was ugly as I was breathing through my mouth the entire time, and even that didn't work. There was no escape.


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