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Happiness Is A Large Penis . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I had a friend in middle school who used to slam his dick inside drawers.

He claimed it made his penis bigger. Although we never saw him perform this act, he swore repeatedly by his method and the results supported it. The guy had a big dick - at least for sixth grade - and was prone to wagging it around the locker room in unabashed displays of penal projection.

We fell out of touch as high school approached, so I'm not sure if his dick slamming continued to enlarge his appendage or if he just hit puberty early.

I was reminded of this guy and his penis when I recently read an article in GQ, Details or Esquire which claimed that men with big dicks are nearly invincible to life's follies. The message was that owning a super-sized Johnson insulated you when times were tough. Apparently, an enormous cock allows you to laugh in the face of danger, remain confident when faced with adversity and approach women with diplomatic immunity.

One quote read something like "I've seen my friend, who has a 9-inch penis, remain upbeat in the fact of situations the would have crippled nearly any other man with an average-sized penis."

I have my doubts about this theory.

One reason is that the last time I heard anything about my sixth grade friend, he was living in a shack somewhere near the Florida Keys. Another is that a large penis is not something that you can often put on display or use to make money when the rent is due unless you plan to dabble in amateur pornography or perform tricks for $20 a pop under the freeway.

It can certainly be nice to know that you're packing heat below the belt, however, that knowledge is of little comfort if you let the rest of your life go to shit.

The article claimed that possessing a sizable tool enabled the man to laugh at life in general and stay positive. I think that staying upbeat in the face of adversity has a shelf life - big dick or not.

Then again, if you've been reading this blog for awhile, you might have noticed that there is very little negativity and a lot of laughing at life its ownself around here. Think about it.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Take the pluses with the minuses. If I was "larger than life", I wouldn't wear pants, I'd be wearing chaps all the time, so just be thankful I'm "normal" - at least in that respect, lol.

  3. Miss Ash Says:
  4. Hmm as for that last part...I do recall mr model stuffing his nether regions with wonderbread for a shoot.....or perhaps i'm wrong and it was just a tip but never really happened.

    All this talk about big cocks has gotten me flustered.

  5. Heff - Larger than life, man I should have used that one. I like that expression. Chaps. Ha. Why not? If you're packing it, then chaps are fine except in the summer (of course some have cut-outs, so . . . ).

    Miss Ash - Lies. Besides, I said most male models wrap the Wonder Bread - not all of them. Ha. I have to admit that it felt a bit strange even writing about them.

  6. Even if this theory is true, it's not worth slamming your dick in a drawer to attain such confidence.

  7. nobich Says:
  8. I think I know that guy..

  9. Native Minnow - Well said. I agree as very few things in life are worth slamming your dick into a drawer.

    Nobich - Ha. How did that work out for you? And did you ever witness the slamming? Questions.

  10. nobich Says:
  11. There was full participation & the costumes were fun!!!
    ha!! ha!!

  12. Anonymous Says:
  13. I was reminded of this guy and his penis...

    Why would a straight man continue reading after that statement?

  14. Oh Jeese. Your friend must not live in the Keys anymore because I've seen every cock in Monroe county. No lie, they all have teeny weenies.

  15. WhatIgot - Ha. Fair enough. It was more a play on words than a play on anything else. Hell, you get the idea.

    Upset Waittress - Ahhh, a subject matter expert. Ha. That's what I needed for validation, so I guess we can assume that he blew town awhile ago for destinations unknown. Or maybe the drawer-slamming came back to haunt and shrink him in the end.

  16. vivavavoom Says:
  17. okay I am a size queen...and the only reason I am a size queen and probably why any gay man and/or straight woman is a size queen is because they have at one moment come in contact with a very small penis. does a big penis make you more confident...maybe. but I have seen very ugly large penises and that is no good too. But my guess is the size only matters to those who have tried the french fry variety.

    And your friend is an idiot for slamming his penis in a drawer when he was young...or he was into S&M at an early age.

    which reminds me...a Prince albert is such a no no!!

  18. H.Wood Says:
  19. Perhaps the most famous schlong-shaker, Johnny Holmes, died a terrible death after living a bad life.

  20. Vivavavoom - I agree about my friend, and I still like to think that he was kidding. I have my doubts. Size queen is a term I've always liked. As you noted, however, an ugly penis is an ugly penis any which was you slice it. Ha.

    H. Wood - You are right about Holmes. Schlong-shaker - that's a good one. I always think of Dirk Diggler from "Boogie Nights" in this regard as well.

  21. Heff Says:
  22. Note to self : Slamming dick in drawer DOESN'T WORK !

  23. JLee Says:
  24. Well if that works why not go for a huge schlong by slamming it into a car door?

  25. Heff - I should have put a disclaimer warning at the top of this post. Ha. Hopefully, it's healing by now.

    Jlee - Great to see you back around, and I've slammed my finger in a car door. That was painful enough. Ha.

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