{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the second in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}
"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler…" Milton Waddams, "Office Space" 
I came back from an office meeting yesterday to discover that someone had stolen chapstick off my desk.
I left for the meeting with my Jack Black chapstick (SPF 25 - a gift from an ex-client) sitting inside a wooden tray. I returned to find it gone without a trace. This was both surprising and disturbing on many levels.
What kind of a person steals another man's chapstick? Chapstick is not a hygienic theft as you are obviously stealing something that has been on another person's lips. There were far better choices in my estimation (almonds, business card holder, lint roller, Altoids, signed picture of Rue McClanahan {joking - unfortunately}, etc), but this inter-office thief chose to ignore those options for a very personal theft which has left me wondering about the motives of everyone from the IT guy to our administrative assistant. 
It's hard to decipher what evil lurks in the hearts of our fellow co-workers, eh?
I am more fearful than angry, and now envision some co-worker who I accidentally slighted is burning an effigy of me in a darkened room while chanting and wearing paper pants. Let's hope not.
In the meantime, I will consider setting another trap in hopes of catching the culprit, however, I will be replacing Jack Black with standard chapstick since I'm footing the bill on this one.
-BDS
Get another tube and fill it with Ben Gay, or any other heating ointment. You'll find the culprit soon enough.
chapstick!?? You've got to be kidding me! Speaking of corporate etiquette, my coworker eats on my desk every day and I have to clean sticky food particles off it when I come in. She also smells and someone is finally going to human resources today to "turn her in" for smelling like animal feces. yeah!
Heff - Now that's a good idea. Much better than mine, although I would hate to miss when the thief applied the Ben Gay/Flexall/etc. Still . . .
Jlee - I wish I were kidding. But your situation sounds really nasty. That definitely sounds like an HR issue to me, and for crying out loud, get here away from your desk. Just don't touch her. Ha.
Someone may try to use your chapstick as a method of collecting your DNA from any saliva that may have made it onto the stick. And once somebody has your DNA, they can create a race of evil clones hellbent on the destruction of all that we hold dear. Be afraid, be very afraid.
I gotta go with whatigosofar's theory. But I'll tell, it would disturb me to think someone was rifling my desk. Truly.
WhatIgot - That's why I've got the Fear. For reasons like you suggested. It's something to watch and I will.
Idig - Completely. It's like sending bagels to a sorority house with pictures at the bottom of the box showing a bunch of guys with said bagels around their dicks. Sort of. Anyway, don't worry that chapstick will never be used again.
Anonymous Boxer - Sheer terror. But chapstick? That's just bizarre & ridiculous.
First of all, why is office space like one of my all time favorites! I used to work in an office like that. When I was working there I encouraged everyone I worked with to watch that movie. Everytime a new person watched it we would fall out laughing about all the parts that were almost the exact same as our job.
Anyhoo...I would also have been extremely disturbed over missing chapstick. That is quite personal. I wonder if you have a secret admirer and perhaps she took it because it was the most person thing on your desk.
BTW...Rue McClanahan? That was real random!!
Hope that it was someone burning things while wearing paper pants. The culprit is bound to set himself aflame in his privates and you can thank the Karma Police for doing your revenge for you.
Meantime, use a heated paint brush to disguise the ex-lax logo on a bar and slip it inside a generic cholcolate bar wrapper. Leave it out once in a while, see what happens.
Love the movie Office space. It is/was my husbands life!
the chapstick caper is bizarre!! seems more like someone is pulling a prank. and for godssake if it does magically return...do NOT use it!!
and Jlee....that is foul!!! I wonder if they will have to put that in her report, "termination based upon foul feces odor being secreted by employee".
I freaking LOVE that movie!!
As for the chapstick thief, did you ask around at all? I'm with heff on this one, you should put some random stuff on your desk IE hand lotion.....but replace it with Nair kinda thing or that numbing gel from the dentist.
TrinabeingTrina - Great movie. So many good scenes/quotes. And I've considered the admirer option, which is better than the rest - I think. Finally, the Rue thing was as random as I could think of while writing, so I guess mission acomplished. Ha.
Getoffmylawn - Ha. I like the concept of karmic revenge as well as systematic plots to accomplish such things. I am definitely looking into something for the future.
Vivavavoom - That's why the movie is so funny as it cuts close to the bone. Ha. And don't worry, that chapstick is never being used by me ever again. Finally, I'm working on your tag today.
Miss Ash - Nair would be fitting as that stuff is toxic. I had to try it years ago for a project (don't ask), and that seems like a fair punshment. We shall see.
I once had someone steal my pushpins. They were "writer inspired" and one was a yin-yang given to me by a dear friend. Unsurprising as they were not your ordinary everyday pushpins ~ except that I was the only one In The Whole Place with a pushpin board. Go figure...
Bastards. Nothing is sacred. Not pushpins, not chapstick. Nothing. It's just another reason why working from home might be a good idea. I'll get on that ASAP.