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Boring Drunken Holiday Parties . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Now that Thanksgiving is finished, it's time for the dreaded Christmas season to descend.

I don't mean Christmas itself (I happen to love the holiday as it's Thanksgiving + Gifts), but rather the holiday party season which means every weekend until 2008 will now be filled with good cheer, mistletoe and so many boring drunks that it's disastrous to even ponder this dire situation.

At any given party, the number of boring drunks will fluctuate, however, they will always be large enough in scope to require others to drink more in order to stand near them. This toxic environment leads to ruined parties and scorn. Brute violence and tears. And possibly impotence.

The definition of a boring drunk is elusive, but common traits include:

* Long-winded diatribes on esoteric subjects that nobody cares about like your stock portfolio or model train building
* Inappropriate hugs
* Pissing down the side of your pants

* Talking badly about your ex-wife, "the bitch"
* Threatening to harm yourself
* Dipping your fingers in the queso dip

* Wearing a mistletoe belt (like you're the first one to think of it)

* Going to sleep in the master bedroom
* Refilling your glass with what they're drinking, not what you're drinking
* Arguing about religion
* Re-enacting your high school football games
* Consistently asking the hosts "how much did this cost?"

There are many more characteristics, but the only certainty is that there will be at least 3 of these people at every party. The actual number is likely to be higher. It also seems to exponentially increase as the parties get closer to Christmas as people are on edge, and feeling the holiday pressure.

The only pressure I feel revolves around going to these things because for every 4 parties I attend, I will only enjoy myself at one of them. This is not a good ratio.

It is, however, a necessary evil (I suppose), and the best way to cope is to try to laugh because everyone is semi-funny in their own way - even if they don't realize it and are stone drunk wearing a Christmas tie and blathering on about global warming being a hoax.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. I tend to avaoid the things at all cost. Heff is his OWN personal party !

  3. Heff Says:
  4. Damn. Two days in a row with the "typos". What the hell's wrong with me !?

  5. Miss Ash Says:
  6. I have a huggy drunk friend that likes to recant a joke regarding hemroids and involves him shoving his balls between his legs...ewe.
    (I have photos if you're interested ha)

  7. Heff - These things come in waves. You just need to "avaoid" them in the future. And it's very smart keeping your own party as you know you like the guests.

    Miss Ash - I'm not interested in the photos, although it is an interesting visual. This could be a bad drunk (depending on the crowd), but not a boring one as a balls between the legs joke is far from boring.

  8. vivavavoom Says:
  9. man I know people who behave like that sober. the hubby always tries to set people up when he has had one drink too many. he believes everyone should be having sex by the end of the night. that is when I know he had the 4th gin and 3 he is just funny, at 4, he is yenta, the very drunk, not jewish matchmaker!

  10. This post makes me very happy that I have a small office and we give everyone gift cards to restaurants and let them do all of this crap with their friends and family.


    Yeah, The Holidays are kinda dreaded to me too.

  11. No alcohol at my parties. I live in a "dry" community. I put it in quotation marks cuz everyone ignores the "dry" bylaw. But office functions are sober. It's not til I get to visit my family that I remember that alcohol makes an ass out of most of us. Heck, I once had an argument with a passing stranger on a bridge about marine life. I didn't notice, but my friends tell me I was so obnoxious I almost got punched.

  12. Vivavavoom - I like yr. story a lot, and that doesn't sound bad about yr. husband at all. That would help nearly any party. Ha.

    Anonymous Boxer - That is definitely an advantage in my book, and you are an employer with intelligence (which likely places you in the minority). I would much rather have a gift certificate to spend w/ friends and family versus the party I MUST attend in a few weeks.

    Getoffmylawn - I can relate to that as some semi-drunken arguments often take on a much greater scale than others (and most are vitally important when drinking I've found). As for office functions, they should all be sober (or very mildly drinking) unless you want to commit career suicide.

  13. Your blogger profile is so hill country.


  14. BostonPobble Says:
  15. I tend to avoid all but a select few holiday parties for this very reason. This year, I will be attending Lithus' company party for the first time. It should be...interesting.

  16. These are some of the reasons why I avoid the Christmas parties like the plague! I have been at my job for 5 years and every year at one of the parties. (We have many because we have many different departments) Anyhoo, there is always an affair that takes place. Then the next thing you know they are the newest couple in the hospital. They are either cheating on their husband/wife then the next thing you know they are leaving their significant other for the person they started the affair with and they basically leave one train wreck for the next.

  17. Isabella Snow - Scary in a good way, right? Ha. Besides, I live in Austin . . .

    Bostonpobble - Sounds like a blog topic to me. Make something happen to really up the ante and the drama.

    Trinabeingtrina - Exactly. There's usually at least one illicit hook-up that leads absolutely nowhere good. Also, someone usually cusses out the boss, which can be amusing.

  18. I'm a boring drunk. But I'm also a horny drunk. I think it depends on what I drink. Whiskey makes me boring. Beer makes me randy. Can't really explain why.

  19. damn. I am the stock portfolio guy. I think though I just use these stories to try and prove my worth as a semi-valuable member of society as I chose not to have a real job.

  20. WhatIgot - Good point. What you drink does matter as wine makes me sleepy, beer correlates with yours and whiskey can turn mean if you don't watch it. This can all be challenging.

    Idig - Ha. That's right. I actually enjoy stocks in general, but what I don't want to hear is 30 minutes about how somebody "made a killing" on this or that last year. I don't mind a harrowing story of a horrendous loss w/ a punchline, but the former doesn't do much for me.


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