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Inventing Foul Language . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, October 01, 2007

{Editor's Note: The following post contains cursing - lots of cursing.}

Outside of sitting in traffic and watching University of Texas football games, I don't consider myself to be an angry person. I'm not a pacifist, but nor am I filled with an all-consuming rage that manifests itself daily.

Unfortunately, this past weekend I was dealt the double whammy of sitting in horrendous traffic to ultimately watch the Texas Longhorns embarrass themselves on their home field to Kansas State. This potent combination led to anger which then lead to cursing - lots and lots of cursing.

My throat is still a bit raw from the volume as well as the frequency of the insults being issued from my mouth during the game.

George Carlin has a famous comedy routine where he lists the 7 Dirty Words you can't say on broadcast television. The list is made up of Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits. Let me just say that all bases were covered on Saturday.

It got so bad in the game's second half that regular curse words ceased to be strong enough to aptly describe just how disgusted I was by the Longhorns play.

I soon began to make up words. Words that made no sense, but were still vulgar. I'm not sure if you've ever been mad enough to invent words, but let me just say that it's not a fun mental place to be when things like: Shitbird, Cockmonkey, and Fucknuckle start foaming from your mouth.

This should not happen in a civilized society. There is simply no cause for those kinds of extremes. A sporting match should not constitute the need to refer to anything as: Dickshits, Whorehounds or Pissmongers. Let's have a little class, eh?

I am not proud. The rampant cursing might have been cathartic, and although the inventive - though grammatically suspect and physically impossible - phrasing might have also felt right at the time, there is no excuse for getting that worked up even if two of your pet peeves were violated on the same day.

It's inevitable that Shit (birds) happens, and we've all got to learn to roll with it.



  1. Melissa Says:
  2. Shitbird just happens to be one of my all time favorite descriptive terms. Although I must admit stump-jumping sister fucker is still number one.

  3. this is where knowing a 2nd language to swear in comes in handy. Greek has some of the all-time most satisfying (classless) curses (ghamo teen threeskia su = I am f***ing your religion)

  4. Linda Says:
  5. If you haven't seen it, rent the documentary "Fuck". Interesting observations on the word. The Carlin bit is discussed.

  6. JLee Says:
  7. The invented swear words are the best kind! They just feel so good and cleansing when they come out. haha

  8. Melissa - I like shitbird as well, but you're right about S-J S F as that's pretty damn good. A mouthfull, but worth the effort.

    Idig - That's as good a reason for learning another language as I've heard in awhile. I know a bit of Spanish for cursing, but Greek & Italian are on my list too.

    Linda - I remember hearing about that doc, and I should pick it up. I tend to doubt Blockbuster carries it, but I could very well be wrong. Ha. We'll see.

    Jlee - They do feel really good at the time, although I need to learn a lower volume to spare the vocal cords a bit. Just a bit.

  9. Swearing can be fun at times. But what's more fun is saying words that aren't cuss words, but should be. Words like: vaginal secretions, snow blower and rumpy-bumpy.

  10. BostonPobble Says:
  11. My favorite when I'm Really Really there is motherfucking, cocksucking son of a whore. It feels good rolling off the tongue. My father ~ who was an ordained minister and therefore frequently couldn't cuss the way he wanted to ~ used shistleopt and dimflooey under those circumstances. Not quite as satisfying but nice enough when legitimate swear words are simply NOT appropropriate.

  12. WhatIgot - Those first two are pretty solid, but I would have to hear the tone of the delivery of the third one. But then again, the tone and attitude are everything.

    BostonPobble - I like that phrase as I utilized the first two parts frequently on Saturday, however, I haven't used son a of a whore for too long. Ha. And I feel for your father as that has to be very tough to refrain nearly all the time, but at least he coped well.

  13. Wendy Says:
  14. When my kids were little, I told them that if you cuss in the car, it doesn't count. I'm not a sports' fan, but perhaps there's a parallel between games and traffic: Both scenarios feature assholes who don't know what the hell they're doing.

  15. "Fuckknuckle" - brilliant. My favorite made-up curse word is: Fucker Breath. I have no idea why.

    Sorry about your "loss."

  16. Wendy - Ha. That's a good rule because horrible things typically happen in the car, and most of them are not your fault. And your parallel to sports holds all too frequently.

    Anonymous Boxer - Thanks, and it's strange how a completely conjured word (s) can be so fulfilling. I like Fucker Breath too and might file it away for future use.

  17. Miss Ash Says:
  18. Anger Managment anyone?? anyone??

  19. vivavavoom Says:
  20. this entry actually made me 'fuckin' laugh out loud. I personally like your 'pissmongers'. I have made up quite a few...jesushole is my favorite. have no idea why but it seems to insult the religious right at the same time as whoever I am saying it to under my breath.
    probably my near and dear one will always be just feels so right when used in the right context.

    of course since I have kids I have to really watch it. my son is now saying 'what the hell'...even when it is a good thing that happened. I cursed myself out over that one. I can't help it, I was brought up by a chilean single dad who butchered the english language as he made up many different swear words. but with a spanish accent, they all sounded the same and very serious.

  21. Miss Ash - I chalk your passive nature up to the fact that you're both a Vegan and seem to live north of the border. Ha. I'm not sure which one is the main contributor, but I think it's the lack of meat in your diet. Then again, I'm not a scientist.

    Vivavavoom - Great story about your Chilean dad as I can imagine everything sounded serious, stern, etc. while the new bilingual cursing was being invented. And I feel a little of your pain with the small children as I was around a 2 year-old earlier this season at a watching party, but luckily, swearing was not off-limits at the house (but I still felt guilty).

  22. "rumpy-bumpy" is to be said in an Elizabethan English accent.

  23. In that case, I think that can be added to the cannon as well. It's all about the details.

  24. Blogger Says:


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