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Flushed Away Forever . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, October 16, 2007

For the life of me, I cannot understand the necessity of bathroom attendants.

The purpose of having a chaperone inside the bathroom of upscale restaurants and nightclubs has never made any sense to me, and in fact, I have an active dislike for the entire situation. I am a grown man. I do not need another grown man to turn on the water faucet, offer me a mint or give me a paper towel to dry my hands.

I have been performing these basic grooming machinations for many, many years. Alone.

The bathroom should be a sanctuary. A private place where you "shake hands with the unemployed" or commit other acts which are best witnessed by as few other human beings as possible. It is not an ideal place for loose chatter under the watchful eye of a paid interloper.

This bizarrely artificial co-habitation situation cannot be any better from the attendant's perspective.

It seems like a poor career choice to have your office be a bathroom. For most people, the bathroom is a stopover from the office, a temporary escape from board rooms or cubes or mahogany desks, but for the attendant, the bathroom itself represents his entire world.

This cannot be a good thing.

It goes against the natural order, and I'm surprised I've never read nor heard about bathroom attendants starting to piss in inappropriate places like hallways, bars or potted plants - just for a change of scenery. Why not? I know I would feel justified if I spent my days and nights standing inside a men's room.

The solution seems simple to me: Do away with bathroom attendants entirely.

This would enhance my dining and clubbing experiences enormously, it would allow the attendants to find better employment the pervasive smell of urine and the only losers in this scenario would be those sleazy bastards who are too lazy to wash their own hands or enjoy blaming their own farting on others.

And I sincerely hope those people are in the minority.



  1. Stephanie Says:
  2. I agree. It makes me very uncomfortable to have someone all up in my space like that. And I'm supposed to TIP? So it's gonna cost me two bucks to pee?

  3. Its the perfect job for recently paroled homosexual peeping toms. But I do find it very uncomfortable to "go" with an attendant. Stage fright and such.

  4. cats Says:
  5. it's why women take their girlfriends into the bathroom with them.

    what i never understood was why urinals in men's rooms are open and not private.

  6. JLee Says:
  7. I can't help but think of "Deuce Bigalow" where his dad was a bathroom attendant! hahah
    I agree..get rid of em.

  8. Stephanie - Yep. The tipping adds insult to injury as their very presence makes the situation uncomfortable AND I have to tip them for that courtesy. Give me a break.

    WhatIgot - Exactly. I loathe it, and it ruins a little bit of private time where stage fright shouldn't be an issue. If they weren't there, it would help immensly.

    Cats - The worst about guy's restrooms are the old ones/sports stadiums where there is just a one big trouph (sp?). That is no good at all in my mind.

    Jlee - Ha. Yeah, I thought of that same thing when he goes in with a plunger in his hand saying something like "Son, it's time to go to work." That was far funnier than real life attendants.

  9. Heff Says:
  10. I concur as well. They also make it extremely difficult to piss on the wall or leave a pile on the floor without getting caught... Wait, perhaps I just went "Pro Bathroom Attendant"...

  11. kismetic Says:
  12. Since my stripping days ended, I never have a spare $1 to drop in the prominently placed tip jar, so I feel guilty taking advantage of all the free shiz. Yeah, guilty even though I paid $12 for this watery vodka tonic.

  13. Heff - Ha. Yes, I believe that would place you firmly in the pro category as that is a dicey situation otherwise.

    Kismetic - It's nice when you pay top dollar for diluted drinks, and then you pay again to get rid of the drinks in the bathroom. The other morale is that stripping - at least on a part-time basis -would be helpful for tip money.

  14. and it would have made Larry Craig's life sooooo much easier.

  15. Miss Ash Says:
  16. I am not a fan of these attendants either. I just turn on my own water and thell them I do not need a paper towel.

    I never thought of the privacy issue before though, like if you ate a bowl of chili and then had some broccoli as well, then the poor sod has to listen to it all come out. Ewe!!

  17. Anonymous Boxer - Ha. That's true, but it's still like giving a bank robber a key to the bank. Trouble will ensue.

    Miss Ash - That's just another by-product, so to speak, of this poorly designed system. Nobody should be subjected to that, and this is easily solved. I'm w/ you on the water, but where do you wipe your hands if they don't give you a towel

  18. nobich Says:
  19. Wasn't Kramer's Mom a bathroom attendant?? or am I remembering all things that never happened... again?!

  20. Miss Ash Says:
  21. I very rarely dry my hands to be honest. I find using paper towels every time I go to be wasteful. I just let them air dry, wipe em on my pants LOL. Anything to save a tree.

  22. Nobich - I think you're right. I've seen nearly every Seinfeld episode, but I can't say with absolute certainty that you're correct. But it seems like it. Or we're both crazy.

    Miss Ash - Ahhh, that makes sense from an environmental perspective. Ha. I have to admit that I like paper towels far better than the air blowers, although I can't say why.

  23. vivavavoom Says:
  24. the only place I understand having them is in clubs when you are too wasted to make anything out and they can help you find your way. The macabre of beauty products they offer are very scary though.
    beyond that, you'll have to ask Larry Craig or George Michael.

  25. The bathroom attendant is a level of swankiness I have never encountered. I don't know if it's not Canadian or if I'm just trailer trash but... ok, I'm trailer trash. Still, it bothers me that it might be something I could run into. You have my full support

  26. There was a club I used to frequent and the bathroom was like the hottest spot of the club. There was a woman that was there every single week and being as though the bathroom was huge she was able to spread out a variety of products. Like hair products and candy. She even had hair culers and blow dryers plugged up. Once I split my pants (because I have been known to drop it like it's hot) Anyway. I went into the stall took off my pants, gave them to her and she sewed them back up for me. Good as new! She was the best and every woman that frequented that club loved her to death. If ever you needed something she had it.

  27. H.Wood Says:
  28. The attendants are nice for those times when you're just too lazy to shake yourself.

  29. Vivavavoom - I almost forgot about George Michael into the bathroom mix. Ha. But I think I'd still rather staggeer into a toilet and fall down alone versus having a stranger grab me. I could be wrong.

    Getoffmylawn - It's definitely a good thing that you've never encountered this phenomenon, and let's hope you never do. Luckily, it's not everywhere, but one time is one time too many in my book.

    Trina - OK. I will admit that you were definitely helped out by the attendant as that's pretty damn helpful when you split your pants. Ha. Obviously, you were having a good time & it's even better it didn't have to stop.

    H. Wood - That's pretty damn lazy in my book. Ha. I don't know if I've ever been that tired/lazy/etc.


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