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Deep Cleaning Without Context . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, October 29, 2007

It's hard to know exactly what the objects inside your living area say about you as a person, but it's still a good idea to filter if people are going to be prowling amongst them.

I was reminded of this principle late last week after I had a maid service perform a cleaning on my loft. This is an infrequent occurrence as I typically spring for a deep, professional cleaning only once a season, and in preparation, I try to camouflage any peccadilloes that might brand me as a weirdo or deviant.

It just seems like a good idea.

I am a faceless character to this service as they arrive after I've left for work, and upon my return, my place is clean, the key is under my doormat and my tip money is gone. I like it this way. However, this past week I found myself pressed for time and consequently, some things were overlooked.

I noticed these oversights yesterday as I found items shifted around, and started to wonder what the maids made of me after finding:

* A giant stuffed tiger - a gift from years past - who guards the garage with a scowl

* The economical and tasteful porn collection - an inventory which is usually the first thing to be hidden well, but this time, it was not and consequently discovered

* 10 lbs of protein powder in the kitchen
* 6 bottles of Worchester sauce - I had recently been to Costco

* One pair of handcuffs - potential Halloween costume
* 2 pairs of boxing gloves
* Framed picture of 4th grader even though I have no children - This was a gag gift from a good friend (it was his 4th grade school picture), and I've yet to change the picture out

Personally, I might be a little nervous to clean the loft of a man who, in theory, could be a short-fused fighter who sits around watching pornography while drinking horrendous concoctions of protein shakes laced with Worchester sauce with his stuffed tiger handcuffed to the coffee table. I won't even get into the picture.

It just shows how things taken without context can be detrimental for everyone involved, and that next time I pay for a cleaning, I will make time to hide things with more care.

This makes things easier for everyone involved.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. If those few items are all you've got to worry about, you'll be fine. Hell, I've got so many "peccadilloes", I CAN'T hire a maid service, lol.

  3. I'm envisioning a "Rocky" like character - adding Worchester sauce to your morning raw egg drink, having the stuffed Tiger as your "eye of the Tiger."


    Yah, they think you're a Perv.

    Time for a new cleaning service.

  4. Heff - Man, that must be a lot of eccentricities (sp?) if you can't bag them up and hide them somewhere once in awhile. Ha. But then again, it's your home, so . . .

    Anonymous Boxer - Ha. I like that image, but can't stomach the raw eggs (at the very least). And I hate to switch as these people do good work. It's a problem.

  5. Miss Ash Says:
  6. That's a rather interesting collection of ummm stuff!! I get the Protein powder...the rest not so much haha.

  7. Clean your own damn house!

  8. Miss Ash - They are all perfectly reasonable under the right (or wrong) circumstances. But really, that's still a ridiculous amt. of protein powder.

    WhatIgot - With the exception of about 4 times a year - I do. But seriously, who derives so much pleasure from cleaning that you wouldn't pay somebody else to do it for you sometimes? I used to bribe my brother in the same way, although he rarely fell for it.

  9. JLee Says:
  10. I have a giant stuffed tiger. Perfectly normal. Everything else is just plain weird. ha
    Well, at least the porn involves a great city.

  11. vivavavoom Says:
  12. love this entry. I actually don't think your accessories were that weird. (wonder what that says about me though)...all except the 4th grader pic. I am sure the service has seen worse. But it does give us readers a glimpse into your personality...somehow I think you will find a way to use those "halloween costume" handcuffs. just put those pics away before the next cleaning time.

  13. Jlee - Ha. Yes, but you're likely inherently biased on the geographical location. That's good news about the tiger.

    Vivavavoom - In defense of the pic, I don't have it displayed prominently as it's lying flat on a cart in my bathroom (that actually looks far worse now that I see it onscreen). And yes, the next time all those things are getting moved to a deep, dark hold somewhere they won't be found for a few hours.

  14. Stephanie Says:
  15. See...this is why I'm hesitant to hire someone to clean my house. Mostly I don't want anyone to see how messy I am, so I'd have to clean before they came!

  16. I'd wager that any cleaning service worth its salt has seen the extreme and probably didn't even notice the things you had lying around. I WISH I could get someone to clean for me. The daughter isn't quite old enough yet.

  17. BostonPobble Says:
  18. Once when I had a cleaning woman come in, it was in the middle of a three-day spell I was working for a friend. I had meant to get my alter and tools put away but had been running late and hadn't gotten it done. When I got home that evening, everything around the altar was clean, clean, clean but there was an obvious ring around the area. HOWEVER! When I went into my bedside drawer, all of my sex toys were lined up and organized.

    And the handcuffs are for a Halloween costume. Right.

  19. Heff Says:
  20. Ok, you've got my curiousity peaked. How long does it take you to go through 10 POUNDS of protein powder ?

  21. Stephanie - Ha. YOu're right about cleaning for the cleaners to come, which I've always felt was ironic yet I still do it.

    Getoffmylawn - You're probably right as in the grand scheme of things - and especially in Austin - my stash was relatively tame. And I forsee a little cleaning help from when I have children to be a wonderful thing.

    Bostonpobble - Yep. That sounds about right as I would think that finding incriminating things in a person's house would be one of the cleaning perks. Ha. And a little organization never hurt anyone I suppose.

    Heff - It depends, but I generally go through 5 lbs every 6 weeks as I have at least 2 and sometimes 3 shakes a day. 1 after waking up, 1 around 4 pm and 1 before sleeping.

  22. Heff Says:
  23. Cool. I'm yankin' down about 4 pounds a month. Maybe I need to step it up, lol.

  24. That's a lot at 4 lbs as during my heavy lifting periods, I almost get 5 lbs in a month. Anymore than that, however, and your digestive tract will rebel - horribly.

  25. Heff Says:
  26. Thanks. That info was, well, worth MORE than 2 Dollars, heh.


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