{This is the fourteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Fat Tire were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* Never use the word hump when you really mean fuck.
* In general, sarcasm, a keen sense of irony and a sharp wit will get you nowhere in the corporate world
* The person who came up with the expression concerning "taking candy from a baby" was a sick individual because you know it was based on personal experience. 
* Be wary of going home with a woman who wins the bobbing for apples contest at the Halloween party - she bites down hard. 
* Do go out of your way to go home with the female costume-wearer who can tie a firm cherry-stem knot with her tongue.
* Crocs should only be worn by small children, hygienists or possibly at the beach. That's it. 
* Wearing Guess jeans when you are extremely large is a poor idea as the answer to the implied question is rarely good.
* If you find yourself using office jargon outside of work - slap yourself hard until you stop.
* Despite appearances, always remember that a Gorilla is never your friend .
* "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." --Humphrey Bogart
-BDS
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Matinee. Wes Anderson movies have their own sensibilities, and this one is not as strong as "Rushmore," which was a film worth paying full price.
Will I Own It On DVD: Probably. I own "Rushmore," "The Royal Tennenbaums," and "The Life Aquatic" on DVD, so I will likely add this one to the mix if I can find it for a decent price. 
1) Most people either really enjoy Wes Anderson films or they loathe them. Typically, I like them quite a bit, although I also find them to be somewhat hyper-stylized and far too preoccupied with dysfunctional family dynamics. That being said, "Rushmore" was a great film. "The Royal Tennenbaums" was very, very good. And "The Life Aquatic" had its moments. Anderson's new movie, "The Darjeeling Limited," is interesting, but falls into the latter category.
2) If you're going to see "The Darjeeling Limited" at all, then I would see it now because they just started showing Anderson's short film - "Hotel Chevalier" - prior to 'Darjeeling' and the short which features Natalie Portman and Jason Schwartzman was better than the actual movie in my opinion. 
3) Jason Schwartzman, Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson play brothers in the film, and the trio have a good chemistry together. The differing pieces don't entirely fit, however, that benefits the film as their brotherly relationship is often tense, sneaky and passive-aggressive in the movie. 
4) Owen Wilson spends nearly the entire running time with heavy bandages around his face, and it's hard to separate his real life suicide attempt from the movie, where his character is troubled and melancholy. Wilson does a good job with the portrayal as he generally leaves behind his typical smirking and silly persona which dominate the majority of his comedic films.
5) Anderson's choice to set the movie in India was smart as the backdrop serves his story well, and gives it an exotic feel as the brothers attempt a "spiritual journey" that ultimately goes awry. The movie also features one of the best sets of luggage in the history of cinema.
Overall, "The Darjeeling Limited" is not likely to win any new Anderson converts, however, it was a solid film with some nice visuals and a good soundtrack. At the very least, it would be worthwhile to sneak into the theater early to see "Hotel Chevalier," and then go on about your business.
-BDS
It's hard to know exactly what the objects inside your living area say about you as a person, but it's still a good idea to filter if people are going to be prowling amongst them.
I was reminded of this principle late last week after I had a maid service perform a cleaning on my loft. This is an infrequent occurrence as I typically spring for a deep, professional cleaning only once a season, and in preparation, I try to camouflage any peccadilloes that might brand me as a weirdo or deviant. 
It just seems like a good idea.
I am a faceless character to this service as they arrive after I've left for work, and upon my return, my place is clean, the key is under my doormat and my tip money is gone. I like it this way. However, this past week I found myself pressed for time and consequently, some things were overlooked.
I noticed these oversights yesterday as I found items shifted around, and started to wonder what the maids made of me after finding:
* A giant stuffed tiger - a gift from years past - who guards the garage with a scowl
* The economical and tasteful porn collection - an inventory which is usually the first thing to be hidden well, but this time, it was not and consequently discovered
* 10 lbs of protein powder in the kitchen
* 6 bottles of Worchester sauce - I had recently been to Costco
* One pair of handcuffs - potential Halloween costume
* 2 pairs of boxing gloves
* Framed picture of 4th grader even though I have no children - This was a gag gift from a good friend (it was his 4th grade school picture), and I've yet to change the picture out
Personally, I might be a little nervous to clean the loft of a man who, in theory, could be a short-fused fighter who sits around watching pornography while drinking horrendous concoctions of protein shakes laced with Worchester sauce with his stuffed tiger handcuffed to the coffee table. I won't even get into the picture.
It just shows how things taken without context can be detrimental for everyone involved, and that next time I pay for a cleaning, I will make time to hide things with more care.
This makes things easier for everyone involved.
-BDS
"So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president," - Matt Damon, "Good Will Hunting"
It's finally fall in Austin this week as the sun is shining, it's about 75 degrees during the day and the humidity has vanished faster than Britney Spear's visitation rights. So, before I run for a bar with a nice patio, let's tackle some stories like:
J.K. Rowlings recently revealed that master wizard Albus Dumbledore is gay as the British author stunned her fans at Carnegie Hall when she answered one young reader's question about Dumbledore by saying that he was gay and had been in love with Grindelwald, whom he had defeated years ago in a bitter fight.
Rowling later revealed that she was also forced to cut a dramatic passage before the Wizards duel which featured Dumbledore and Gindelwald raising sheep on a harsh and unrelenting hillside because of plagiarism fears from "Brokeback Mountain."
Kid Rock spent most of Sunday in jail after he got into a scuffle with a man outside a suburban Atlanta Waffle House, cops said.
The rocker and five members of his entourage were charged with simple battery after the predawn fight with a man police identified as Harlen Akins. Akins, 39, got into a shouting match with a female friend who was accompanying Kid Rock's posse and then got into a physical fight.
If this incident proves anything, it shows that even with a recent #1 selling album under your belt, there is no better way to say "I've made it" than celebrating at a Waffle House.
P. Diddy has entered a multiyear partnership with boozemaker Diageo PLC to promote the company's Ciroc vodka brand in a deal that could net him over $100 million.
Under the terms of the agreement, the artist otherwise known as Sean Combs will have a hand in everything from marketing the line of booze to determining where it will be sold and take home 50 percent of the profits from his labors.
There's no word about the Vodka's taste, however, it is likely to include samples of many better-testing brands currently on the market.
Before a stunned television audience, Marie Osmond collapsed after her samba routine on "Dancing With the Stars," but recovered enough to get her scores and apologize.
"This happens sometimes when I get winded," a visibly embarrassed Osmond, 48, told co-host Samantha Harris. "I'm so sorry."
Osmond later added that when she breaks wind, EVERYBODY faints.
With the feds on his case, David Copperfield scrapped a series of engagements in Southeast Asia as the FBI investigates allegations he sexually assaulted an unidentified Seattle woman.
Whatever the reason, the 51-year-old Copperfield remains in the U.S. following last Wednesday's FBI search of his sprawling Las Vegas warehouse and a theater at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino where he regularly performs. 
I don't know much about magic, but if I were that unidentified Seattle woman, I'd be terrified that Copperfield would make me "disappear" forever - unless magic really is a sham.
Halle Berry issued a public mea culpa for a quip made on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, where she joked that a photograph making her nose look unusually large could pass for a picture of "my Jewish cousin."
Berry said, "This one, I don't know, this is like my Jewish cousin." The full remark never made it on air, however, as the audience's silence at the attempted joke was covered with a laugh track and the word Jewish was muted out.
Somewhere in the world, Mel Gibson raised a silent toast to Berry.
Eyebrows shot sky-high over the weekend when surfer Kelly Slater tussled with paparazzi while making the scene in Tel Aviv with Bar Refaeli, the model who took Gisele Bundchen's place on Leonardo DiCaprio's arm shortly after the Brazilian bombshell rebounded with the bald-plated wave rider.
Clear as mud right?
Anyway, it's been reported that Refaeli and Leo's relationship is through, which was reported by People.
"The relationship ran its course," explains the insider. "It's bad enough having a cross-country relationship, but it's obviously a lot more difficult trying to maintain a relationship across oceans, and across continents, when both of them are very busy." 
Cry me a river Leo as it must be tough trying to decide which supermodel to hopscotch to next, and this sentiment obviously has nothing to do with a pure and unrelenting jealousy on my part. Never.
But let's not end with ill feelings on such a perfect day. Instead, let's conclude with this: 
I love a freshly iced cake, and I am all for leaning forward to make sure things are done correctly. So, take pride in your work, don't concern yourself with strangers staring over your shoulder and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Matinee. This is an excellent movie, so it might be worth a full-price admission. That being said, it is a dark film, and sometimes those are best seen in the light of day for a matinee.
Will I Own It On DVD: Unlikely. I really enjoyed "Mystic River," but haven't purchased it because it's semi-depressing. "Gone Baby Gone" fits that mode as one $3.25 rental (I would like to see it one more time) is far cheaper than buying it for $20. 
1) 1) "Gone Baby Gone" is a surprisingly assured first feature film from Ben Affleck. He was smart to pick excellent source material (author of "Mystic River") and this story is similarly dark and complex with lots of characters facing hard decisions after a 4-year-old girl goes missing.
2) I enjoy movies which feature a very specific geographical location, a locale which actively plays into the story and gives you a sense of place. This movie definitely showcases the Boston neighborhood area, and Affleck cast some non-actor locals to give it an authentic flavor which helps the movie immensly. 
3) Casey Affleck, who I find hard to watch in leading roles (see 'Jesse James' review), works out in this project with better results than I expected. To the screenwriter's credit, they mention early in the film about Affleck's young-ish looks and small frame, but once that is noted, Affleck steps up with a very solid performance that does hold the movie together. It's only near the end when he's paired against Morgan Freeman that his shortcomings bubble up a bit, however, acting opposite Freeman is tough for anybody. 
4) If I was casting, I would place Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman in supporting roles in every movie I could find. They are both always interesting to watch, and the pair provide excellent support as police officers investigating the case.
5) Ben Affleck deserves credit for this film, a project which he co-wrote the script and directed a fine first movie. His own acting choices have been spotty to say the least, but "Gone Baby Gone" showcases his potential as a director. This movie builds tension throughout, and ultimately concludes with a complex and satisfying ending which is sure to inspire conversation about the tough choices these characters make.
-BDS
I drove by a car dealership near my loft recently, and was somewhat perplexed to find two camels standing at the front entrance near the street.
They seemed distinctly out of place on in South Austin on a Sunday afternoon. But then my mind shifted to wondering why the dealership felt that paying money to hire two exotic camels was going to boost their sales? 
Why indeed.
I can't imagine that a pair of camels would cause anybody who was driving around for lunch or errands to suddenly brake, bolt from their car and declare that "Although I had planned to go to Home Depot today, those hairy beasts are now compelling me to buy a car from you. Right bloody now!"
These kinds of things don't happen. At least, I tend to doubt it.
Maybe if I had small children, and they happened to see the camels, the little people would demand, cry and yell unless I stopped for a closer look. My response to this plea might have been "those aren't camels, those are two hairy guys with bad posture. Now let's keep it quiet in the backseat and sit up straight unless you want to end up like those poor bastards."
Obviously, I do not have children.
The only reasonable marketing explanation I venture from the camel show was that the dealership hoped that the pseudo-petting zoo would stand out enough that you would remember them fondly when you ultimately chose to buy a vehicle. That seems like a stretch to me as I still couldn't tell you the name of the dealership.
However, I do know that the car lot exists, and I suppose that has a lot to do with the presence of the camels. It will also help their case when I develop the pictures I took riding the camels in a heated race down South Congress Avenue.
-BDS
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Matinee. Unless you consider any movie starring George Clooney to be worth the money, then a matinee price will leave you feeling much more satisfied with this well-crafted movie.
Will I Own It On DVD: Only if I can find it for under $10 at some point after the initial DVD release, which seems very possible. 
1) I generally loathe movie titles which also serve as character names. I don't know why, but it just seems lazy to me and although there have been some good ones ("Michael Collins"), some excellent ones ("Erin Brockavich") and some mediocre ones ("Wyatt Earp" and "Dolores Claiborne"), I still don't care for those kinds of titles. That being said, "Michael Clayton" falls into the upper echelon in this naming genre.
2) This film is a well-made, tightly-constructed project that forces you to pay attention from the start. It treats the audience with respect (at least until the end), and is a slow burn movie that serves up solid tension after a law firm's fixer, George Clooney, finds himself embroiled in a clean-up job that keeps getting worse. 
3) It's nice to see Clooney play a character with flaws who doesn't have all the answers and who isn't one step ahead of everyone else. His character, Michael Clayton, is flawed and unsure, qualities which allow Clooney to perform some acting outside of star-driven roles in the Ocean's 11, 12 and 13 movies. This is his best work since "Syriana" as he is constantly watchable yet weary-looking in this film.
4) Tilda Swinton ("The Chronicles of Narnia") plays a powerful corporate client of Clooney's firm, and gives an interesting turn as his nemesis. Swinton crafts a woman who has risen to the top of the business world, however, when things go south, she showcases the personal conflicts and comprimises which are hidden beneath the tough exterior. 
5) The main problem I had with "Michael Clayton" was the ending, which tries to tie up too many plot devices and seemed too easy to me after the action which preceded it. It wasn't a competely illogical leap, but it also didn't finish as strongly as I would have hoped.
Overall, "Michael Clayton" was a very good film, and one that I was originally hesitant to see as lawyer plotlines don't excite me very often. This is less a legal thriller, howerver, and more about a man who finds himself boxed in during a personal and professional crisis, a situation that plays out well with Clooney carrying a movie which is well worth watching.
-BDS
"So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... Striking," - Bill Murray, "Caddyshack"
It seems like a fairly slow week in Hollywood as people are getting out of rehab instead of entering, which usually leads to boring stories, however, I'm sure there was some challenging ones such as:
On Monday night, Britney Spears turned herself in to a police station in Los Angeles. The troubled singer is now booked on two misdemeanor charges for hit-and-run accident that occurred in Van Nuys, California back in August and driving without a valid license.
Then, the week got worse as Spears has now temporarily lost visitation rights with sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.
"[Spears'] visitation with minor children is suspended pending [her] compliance with court orders," reads a court document (via TMZ.com).
It was not immediately clear what orders Spears defied, but TMZ suggests she "did not provide the drug testing people with contact information so they could reach her to facilitate the random tests ..."
With all this negativity around Spears, I think we should accentuate the positive as she: 1) Didn't run into any parked cars on her way to court 2) Probably refused to take the drug test because she was up doing drugs the previous night and didn't want to fail. Well played Britney.
Paris Hilton, 26-year-old socialite, has vowed to change her party-girl image after serving a 23-day jail sentence in June for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
"There are a lot of bad people in L.A. Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties — it was a fantasy," she tells Newsweek magazine. "But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."
Let's hope that "mark" can be taken care of with a shot of penicillin.
Clay Aiken is going from "American Idol" to Eric Idle's "Spamalot" as Aiken will join the Broadway cast of "Monty Python's Spamalot" on Jan. 18, playing one of the leads, Sir Robin, in the Tony Award-winning musical directed by Mike Nichols.
"I really couldn't have asked for a more wonderful group of people to work with," said Aiken, who became a recording and concert star after his appearances on the TV series "American Idol."
It's a great choice for Aiken as it will certainly refute all those gay rumors circling around him if he starts wearing tights in a Broadway production with a title that conjures up images of cheap and salty meat.
Ellen DeGeneres bawled for several minutes on her syndicated chat show this week as she told the audience about an unfortunate incident involving a dog, her hairdresser and a canine contract.
The 49-year-old explained she had adopted a puppy named Iggy from an animal rescue centre on September 20, but, despite training and neutering, Iggy failed to impress the comedian’s cats and Degeners gave the dog away to her hairdresser.
When pet rescue agency Mutts and Moms heard of Iggy’s new domestic arrangements, it informed DeGeneres that giving away the Brussels Griffon terrier cross was a breach of the adoption contract she had signed. The agency reclaimed the dog, leaving the hairdresser’s two young daughters distraught. 
I'm just surprised the dog agency didn't throw Ellen a bone, and overlook her indiscretion as she was doggone sad about it. This wouldn't have happened to Oprah.
A hits package by the reunited Spice Girls will be sold exclusively in the United States through Victoria's Secret for the first two months of its release, beginning November 3.
This is excellent news as now I can lurk around Victoria's Secret stores with an excuse other than my old standby: "Research."
Fans of country music superstar Garth Brooks who couldn't get tickets for his sold-out concerts will now get a chance to see his final show live on the big screen because on November 14, Brooks' final show in the series of nine concerts will be simulcast from the Sprint Center in Kansas City, Missouri to more than 300 movie theaters.
For non-fans: We've been warned and can mark our calendars accordingly to stay away from the movies.
John Goodman checked out of rehab this week after being treated for an undisclosed reason. The actor left Promises Treatment Center in Malibu on Wednesday.
"For my family and myself, I voluntarily took the necessary steps to remain sober the rest of my life," Goodman said in a statement issued by his publicist Stan Rosenfield.
We have to assume that alcohol was the cause, however, I enjoy Goodman's acting and I think the more pressing concern is food as that guy looks like he might fall over dead in nearly every movie I've seen him in since 2000.
Madonna and concert promoter Live Nation Inc. announced a deal this week which will give the company an all-encompassing stake in the music of the Material Girl, the latest big-name artist to break ranks with a major record label.
Financial terms were not disclosed, but a person close to the deal said it is worth about $120 million over 10 years.
Let's hope the terms of the deal also prohibit Madonna from making anymore movies, although "Swept Away" should have cemented that years ago.
As always, let's end on a high note with this: 
Strangely enough, I feel suddenly parched for unknown reasons. So, everybody drink plenty of water, it does the body good and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I went to lunch today with my boss and the Vice President above him at a local brew-pub, which makes good beer and also has excellent food. An older colleague of mine came too, and it was semi-comical to be a witness to his small debacle that unfolded during the course of the hour-long meal.
These kinds of outings are never fun. They are most definitely work, and although you receive a free meal from attending, a complimentary lunch is not worth the strain necessary to make such a meal politically successful. When the work is judged against the price of the entrée involved, it is a poor (yet necessary) decision to go.
But we went anyway, and as I made innocuous small talk about sports, the VPs golf game, his kids, etc., my colleague managed to:
1) Order a beer when nobody else was drinking
2) Spill marinara sauce on his white shirt
3) Touch on hot-button topics like the death penalty and racial profiling in airports.
4) Get into a long debate about company policy which he didn't agree with
5) Awkwardly hit on/banter with the waitress
It was really quite impressive just how unimpressive he was during the meal, and I kept thinking of the old line about "if you want to look thin, then hang out with fat people." I hate to be cavalier about this poor showing, however, my co-worker has been entrenched in my current position for many years before I arrived and is semi-arrogant about things.
Therefore, I had to laugh about the business lunch as I drove back to the office.
-BDS
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But speaking vaguely of eating establishments . . .
The Playboy Advisor question and answer section is always worthwhile as topics generally range from clothing to mixing drinks to sex. Obviously, there is a heavy emphasis on sex, and occasionally you get hilariously esoteric inquiries like this one from the recent issue:
My boyfriend loves to come on my face. A few weeks ago he said he waned to try something crazy: He wanted to film me going through the drive-through of a fast-food resaurant with come no my face. After a drink or two I said, "Okay, fuck it. Let's go." I knew he would love it, and honestly, it was a rush. Now he wants to do it again. My question is, are we doing anything illegal? We want to be daring but not so daring we end up with a police record. - M.S. Las Cruces, New Mexico
Advisor answer: There's nothing illegal about it beyond breaking the laws of good taste. 
This letter starts out fairly normal, but then proceeds to turn into a mess - both literally and figuratively - as I found myself laughing like a hyena while watching the baseball play-offs last night at the visual imagery.
There are so many things disturbing about this situation, and in no particular order, I found them to be:
1) Who gets turned on by these kinds of drive-through shenanigans?
2) Even if you do get off on it, why would you feel the need to tape it?
3) Was the woman in question sitting around having "1 or 2 drinks" with come already on her face as she worked up the courage?
4) Who does this kind of thing?
5) What did they order at the fast food drive-through?
I loved the Advisor answer as well, which worked a nice pun into the mix and refrained from questioning the motives of the writer. It's best to take the high road I suppose.
-BDS
For the life of me, I cannot understand the necessity of bathroom attendants. 
The purpose of having a chaperone inside the bathroom of upscale restaurants and nightclubs has never made any sense to me, and in fact, I have an active dislike for the entire situation. I am a grown man. I do not need another grown man to turn on the water faucet, offer me a mint or give me a paper towel to dry my hands.
I have been performing these basic grooming machinations for many, many years. Alone.
The bathroom should be a sanctuary. A private place where you "shake hands with the unemployed" or commit other acts which are best witnessed by as few other human beings as possible. It is not an ideal place for loose chatter under the watchful eye of a paid interloper. 
This bizarrely artificial co-habitation situation cannot be any better from the attendant's perspective.
It seems like a poor career choice to have your office be a bathroom. For most people, the bathroom is a stopover from the office, a temporary escape from board rooms or cubes or mahogany desks, but for the attendant, the bathroom itself represents his entire world.
This cannot be a good thing.
It goes against the natural order, and I'm surprised I've never read nor heard about bathroom attendants starting to piss in inappropriate places like hallways, bars or potted plants - just for a change of scenery. Why not? I know I would feel justified if I spent my days and nights standing inside a men's room.
The solution seems simple to me: Do away with bathroom attendants entirely.
This would enhance my dining and clubbing experiences enormously, it would allow the attendants to find better employment the pervasive smell of urine and the only losers in this scenario would be those sleazy bastards who are too lazy to wash their own hands or enjoy blaming their own farting on others.
And I sincerely hope those people are in the minority.
-BDS
{This is the tenth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"Sideways" is an excellent movie about friendship and wine as well as the chaos which ensues when you mix the two together during a bachelor party weekend. 
The sex scene which earned a place among the cinematic elite, however, is not the taut, silicone-enhanced variety which occurs during most bachelor parties, but instead, features a pair of individuals who are best seen in low-lighting.
This rendevous occurs near the end of the film as Thomas Hayden Church begs Paul Giammati to retrieve his wallet, an item which he left inside the house of a large, married waitress after her even larger husband came home early to discover the pair in a comprimising position. 
Following this romantic break-up, Giamatti sneaks inside the house to hear the bed creaking as the husband and wife are mating like wild porpoises and talking dirty to each other.
This seems like a very reality-based scene, and I won't ruin it completely for anyone who hasn't seen this film. Let's just say that things get far funnier and visually unappealing from there.
The elements of a foot race, thievery, pale skin and full frontal male nudity are involved, and the combination of elements makes for a hilarious scene that ranks among the truly elite.
-BDS
"Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda," - Ben Affleck, "Mallrats" 
That mantra is known as dedicated salesmanship in some circles, and although it's a hard line to take, everyone has their own philosophy on commerce. I am not overly concerned with it for now as there are tough stories to tackle like:
Pam Anderson married beau Rick Salomon at the Planet Hollywood Resort in Las Vegas Saturday night, less than a week after being granted a marriage license by the state. 
This new union/impending divorce proves once again that nothing good ever happens at a Planet Hollywood.
Lindsay Lohan left rehab this week, and has been negotiating interviews with various magazines to talk about her "sobering experience."
To save time and effort, Lohan has also negotiated her story for the next time she goes back to rehab.
Britney Spears fans will be happy to hear that the embattled pop star's album will hit stores two weeks earlier than expected. According to her record label, Jive, the new album questionably titled "The Blackout" will now be released Oct. 30 due to online leaks. 
The title was taken from Spears state of mind on virtually any day of the week ending in a 'Y.'
Charlie Sheen has promised to laser off his 13 tattoos as a show of devotion to fiancée Brooke Mueller, who "hates" them, reports the New York Post. His ink stains include a four-eyed, fire-breathing dragon, a note on his chest reading, "Back in 15 minutes" and a subtext-free eyeball peeking out of an open zipper. 
Sheen tried to claim the eyeball-zipper tattoo was "like a window into my soul," however, Mueller told him to remove it anyway.
Nick Nolte and his longtime partner, Clytie Lane, had a baby girl this week as the 66-year-old father welcomed the yet to be named baby into the world. 
The new birth means that Nolte will be 82-years-old by the time his daughter is 16, and he is forced to explain his stupendously awesome mug shot to her.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized this week after a drinking relapse sent him to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
“David had a brief relapse and immediately recognized the importance of addressing it with the assistance of his doctors. He is doing fine and will be back home in the morning,” his rep Judy Katz told Access Hollywood. 
On the plus side, no fast-food hamburgers were harmed or thrown onto the floor during Hasselhoff's latest binge.
Bobby Brown denied Wednesday that he had a mild heart attack, something his attorney said earlier he had suffered this week in Los Angeles. The 38-year-old singer told Associated Press Radio that he is feeling fine and went to the hospital just for a checkup.
His account differed from that of his Atlanta attorney, Phaedra Parks, who earlier in the day told The Associated Press that Brown had severe chest pains Tuesday night and was taken to two hospitals.
"This morning they did diagnose him as suffering from a mild heart attack ... they attributed to stress and diet," Parks said, noting that she had spoken with him.
Apparently, Brown was diagnosed with a mild heart attack in the morning, and mild amnesia by the afternoon when he claimed the heart attack never happened.
Men's magazine Esquire named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive" on Wednesday, bestowing its annual honor on the South African actress who is currently starring in war film, "In the Valley of Elah."
"She combines unbelievable beauty with a smart mind and this attitude like she's almost one of the guys -- like you could hang out and have a beer with -- and all of that adds up to sexy," said Esquire articles editor Ryan D'Agostino.
D'Agostino later added that her "beautiful butt" and "bodacious ta-tas" also helped her claim the crown.
Since we're ending with beauty, let's stay with that theme and close with this:
I can tell by looking at this picture that the woman in question has a tremendously large and giving heart. You can tell by the necklace of course, so look closer at the inner beauty of people today, wear your heart on your sleeve and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
