Bathing With The Drunken Viking: Holiday Edition . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, December 08, 2009

{This is the 32nd entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I ploughed through a holiday birthday bash during the Big 12 Championship game where the Shiner Bock was flowing freely, which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

• Kay Jeweler’s boasts the cheesiest holiday commercials by far each and every year

• You can never have too many Christmas lights around your place.

• Don’t be the person who gives the awkwardly long hugs at holiday gatherings – it’s just creepy for everyone involved

• Be done with your shopping by Dec. 15th – except for the inevitable last minute emergencies - or you will pay the price

• Don’t be the guy wearing the Santa hat to the party unless the full outfit is included with it

• Never get behind anyone older than 65 when checking out with your gifts because this age bracket still writes checks to pay for things

• Stop giving knick-knack gifts to people – everyone has too many of those things already

• When you have multiple party invitations, always finish with the one closest to where you live so your drive home is shorter

• Never use someone else’s joke at a holiday party if the originator is also on the guest list

• Never drink more than 1 cup of eggnog at any party.

• Some combination of Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story and Scrooged should be watched during the month of December

• Never consume more than 3 drinks at your company holiday party unless you want terrible stories to circulate about you and the office intern following the bash

• “You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin



  1. Miss Ash Says:
  2. I agree that one can never have too many Christmas lights and I go on search of those houses every year!!

    I never thought about going to the closer party last....good idea! How has this never occured to me?

  3. wigsf Says:
  4. It's just not the Christmas season without eggnog and office Christmas party tips from the drunken viking.
    I commend you sir. You continue to do the whole world a great service.

    Merry Christmas to you... even though vikings are pagans and don't celebrate Christmas...

  5. Linda Says:
  6. Good list, that's the prettiest eggnog I've ever seen. Good movie recommendations too. I spent 2 days searching for my copy of Scrooged and I saw A Christmas Story for the first time last year. Gotta watch Die Hard as well, ha!

  7. Miss Ash - Definitely. I love Xmas lights - inside and out. They just make me feel good looking at them. And you can thank me for that house party tip because it helps. Always. Ha.

    WIGSF - It's that time of year, eh? The Viking is really just an altruist at heart, even if he is a pagan. Dammit. Again, I should have caugh 'Bad Santa' before making this list . . .

    Linda - Thanks and I thought that about the eggnog too. It looks great, but one cup per season is good w/ me. 'Die Hard' is a great one - nice call. Someone else reminded me of 'Bad Santa.' Hell, I think 'Elf' is a decent holiday movie if I remember correctly.

  8. TROLL Y2K Says:
  9. The Lemon-Drop Kid starring Bob Hope.

  10. Boxer Says:
  11. This is sooooo true:

    "Never get behind anyone older than 65 when checking out with your gifts because this age bracket still writes checks to pay for things"

    and they don't start writing the check (date?name of store) until everything is totaled and they've asked three times if that's the correct amount.

    Anything you want to tell us regarding the last warning? ahahahaha.

    Nice to see you posting on a random Tuesday!

    And Troll is correct about Lemon Drop Kid.

  12. Troll Y2K - I've never heard of it. Seriously. Thanks for the tip.

    Boxer - I know. It's been happening to me a lot at the grocery store lately, but it holds for other venues as well (and you're right about the questioning the correct amount). No comment on the last one - it's just good advice. Ha. And the Viking felt like rearing his ugly head, Tuesday be damned. Inching back into it . . .

  13. oh drunken viking! I love when you grace us with your sensless wisdom!

    Kay Jeweler's commercials make me gag too.

    I don't even have a Christmas tree. :(

    Giving long hugs at the holiday parties could be humorous if everyone was in on it, except for one person. And everyone gave that one person awkwardly long hugs.

    I haven't started my shopping yet either. At least I haven't reached the deadline!

    Men in Santa hats remind me of the creeper in the Enzyte commercials.

    I really love eggnog. But I don't think you should have more than on cup in a season. There's too much cardio involved to work it off. :/

  14. Gypsy Says:
  15. That egg nog looks delish and good advice about the office party. Where were you when I needed to hear that in my 20's?

    I go in search of holiday lights every Christmas and some people go to amazing lengths each year. They bring cheer to everyone and provide a great public service as well.

    Those people over 65 also love to search through their purses for all their coins which they proceed to count several times. Sheesh....

  16. JLee Says:
  17. I disagree about too many Christmas lights. That pic looks just like my neighbors house if you throw a few more decorations in there. ha

    I hope others heed the "stop giving knick knacks" advice, since most of mine end up at Goodwill.

    I can't promise anything on the one glass of eggnog, and I just watched "It's a Wonderful Life" this past weekend (bought it actually) which is also a good one.

    Finally, not to be a Scrooge, but technically Christmas IS a pagan holiday (Google it) but it's the spirit, right? So the Viking is good to go. lol

  18. BostonPobble Says:
  19. I am a particular fan of the no Santa hat rule. While I don't like the overly long hugger, the Santa hat guy creeps me out even more. STRANGER DANGER!

  20. Kmwthay – The Viking is about the love, but senseless? Surely not. Ha. Anyway, that Kay Jewelers storm in the woods commercial is the absolute worst this year, you need an Xmas tree up by this weekend, trust me, that is a really funny slant on the long hug situation as I had to laugh about that one, start shopping before you get your tree (online counts), forgot about those Enzte commercials, and Eggnog is OK but it is too sweet for me to half more than one cup max.

    Gypsy – That eggnog does look great, eh? I often think that about eggnog as it looks better than it tastes – at least for me. And the Viking made his fair share of mistakes too, so he’s loathe to cast stones at prior damage at holiday parties. Ha. I agree completely about Xmas lights as I like them quite a bit, although I keep myself restrained at my own place and am glad others do not. 

    Jlee – I guess I didn’t think about having that many lights right next door. Ha. But I still dig them. My knick knacks head for the Salvation Army once they’ve been in my garage for more than six months. It should be stopped. ‘Life’ is always a good choice as I guess there were more holiday movies that are worthwhile than I initially thought when this post happened. Ha. And thanks for proving the Viking to be in the right when it comes to Xmas – pagan or not.

    Bostonpobble – Stranger Danger indeed. That Santa hat guy – hat always worn askew – is just bizarre to me and they usually have a disturbing yuletide smile on their face too. Always avoid that person at the party . . .


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