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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, August 12, 2009

{This is the 29th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. Last night, I wallowed in a refreshing tequila drink called a Mexican Summer Smash which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

• The odds of picking up a hot bartender are astronomically low, so tip normally when confronted with one.

• Whenever anyone slides on a pair of rubber gloves in the same room as you, something awful is about to happen.

• Hot tubs are great places to start fooling around, but horrible places to finish

• You can save money on paper towels, but never spare expense on toilet paper

• Absolutely nobody looks good in the mirror at an airport bathroom

• It’s best to always be two steps removed from your drug dealer.

• Swinging on a swing set never gets old even when you do.

• But never go to a park alone to do your swinging or you’ll be arrested.

• Your car will never make the same noise it makes for you when you take it to a mechanic or service dealer – ever.

• Always keep $500 in cash hidden somewhere inside your house.

“The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.” – Winston Churchill



  1. kmwthay Says:
  2. You do your best thinking when drinks are involved, clever as usual. I think its best just not to have a drug dealer.

  3. JLee Says:
  4. I agree 100% on the toilet paper...and I have a super jumbo cheap pack that's been sitting under the sink for months to prove it. ha

  5. Kmwthay - Many people do . . . Ha. And it's probably not good to have a regular drug dealer, but every once in awhile, it's just good to be able to get things when an emergency arises.

    Jlee - Yep. Spare no expense. Ha. There's enough cheap stuff running around at public bathrooms that you don't need to add to it in your own home. Be strong.

  6. wigsf Says:
  7. Always tip the unattractive waitress. There always is an unattractive waitress. It's easy to tip her well because she's the one doing all the real work anyway. AND, she appreciates the nice tip and will thank you for it.

  8. Boxer Says:
  9. bwahahaha to the hot tub comment and just WHERE did you you keep your $500.00? Ha.

  10. WIGSF - You're probably right, although I try valiantly to tip based on service & leave the attractiveness factor out of the equation. Try.

    Boxer - It's true. Trust me. Ha. And neither you nor my friends nor the occasional cleaning person will ever know where I stash my cash (and it's closer to $1,000) because you never know when you need to run for it and everyone accepts cash when you're on the run. Everyone.

  11. I used to work with a guy who kept $3000 on him at all times "because you never know when you're going to have to skip town."

    Minutes after he told me that he looked at me and asked, "You're not going to try to off me now, are you?"

    It'd take a LOT more than that to tempt me into doing that.

  12. TROLL Y2K Says:
  13. I didn't understand the drug dealer axiom. Or your explanation of it.

    Did you mean that it's unwise to know the specifics of their operations? So, they won't think to blame (and kill) you if their stash gets stolen or they get busted?

  14. Native Minnow - Like what, $5,000.00? Ha. But that's a pretty funny story nonetheless. I wouldn't keep that much cash on me, however, because I figure if I had to flee town, I could probably go home first. Maybe.

    Troll Y2K - My reasoning/explanation is that it's good to be able to obtain things - in this case drugs - but that you don't want to be one call away from the dealer. It's best to have at least one go-between (an acquantice more than a friend) because then the dealer doesn't really know who you are & yet you can still probably get your hands on some drugs in a pinch. Always be prepared, but not too prepared is the concept behind it. I guess.

  15. slopmaster Says:
  16. these are so genius! people, beware of the hot bartender! luckily in Africa there is no typing, and no customer service.

  17. slopmaster Says:
  18. I of course meant tipping.

  19. Slopmaster - I figured it could have gone either way with typing or tipping. Ha. And that is a lucky thing indeed. Live it up while you're still there . . . and we should all spread the word about the hot bartenders out there because stuffing their jars full of bills won't get you anywhere.

  20. Miss Ash Says:
  21. The park bit is hilarious...I was at one recently with my mother, waiting for my sister and niece. I told my mom that we looked like a bunch of creepy perverts lurking around without a child.

  22. BostonPobble Says:
  23. What does it mean that upon reading this and the comments section, my first thought was "oooo...I want to be the kind of person who needs cash on them in case they have to skip town!" Hm. There is something that requires self-reflection here but I think I'll just let it go and have a cookie instead.

  24. Miss Ash - Exactly. Ha. You just feel utterly creepy at parks without a child. Even if you have a dog or something. :)

    Bostonpobble - That's the writer in you looking for adventure. Ha. I know what you mean though as I just like the thought myself, which might be why I keep a stash around the loft. Fleeing town has a certain cache (sp?) to it - no doubt about it. Enjoy the cookie nonetheless.

  25. Heff Says:
  26. You mean you're NOT supposed to give the Hot Waitress all your money ???

    DAMN !!!

  27. KayDee Says:
  28. You couldn't loan me some of that stash could you? Both kinds :) I'll let you work out the semantics on that one B.

    I hear you on the spa too and besides the smell of chlorine is a real passion killer.

  29. Heff - Rookie mistake. Ha. YOu're a veteran - you should know this. But that's what the Viking does - impart knowledge. Sometimes.

    KayDee - Ha. It's taken me too long too build up both stashes, so I can't give you all of both, merely recommend you start bulding up your own. :) Very selfish I know. As for the spa, you're right about the chlorine too as that stuff smells and gets in your eyes and is just another reason it's best to move that kind of thing elsewhere.


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