Blog Archive

Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 22, 2009

{This is the 28th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I wallowed in a mess of things, white wine with dinner followed by rounds of Dos Equis, Shiner Bock, Heinken, Tecate and Fat Tire, a poorly paced spectacle with a concert thrown in which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

• If you have to look behind you before saying it, don’t tell that joke

• Nobody looks good in a flat cap – not even Brad Pitt can pull it off

• Whenever a restaurant includes gratuity on parties of six or more it only ensures your level of service will suffer

• Compliment a woman’s shoes every single time, even if you’re staring at her breasts

• Dentists have the absolute worst magazine selection in all the waiting rooms in all the world

• If you aren’t sitting with kids, then don’t eat at a restaurant where they let you color on the tables

• Never buy an entire outfit that a store mannequin is wearing

• Call in sick to work on a Wednesday – never a Monday or a Friday – and you’ll have a wonderfully inventive day playing hooky

• Golfers are easily the worst-dressed athletes in sports

• You will always get stuck next to a morbidly obese person or a baby on every single flight, just accept it.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading,” Home Simpson


  1. wigsf Says:
  2. I will have to remember that line about the shoes.

    I sort of disagree about the colouring on the tables thing. You see, in Canada, we got this restaurant chain that lets you colour on the tables. But the waitresses are often pretty good looking. Especially at the location right downtown by the baseball stadium and the hockey arena. The waitresses know they are good looking and well, use it to their advantage.
    Me, if I was a parent, I wouldn't take a child there and expose them to a drunken me ogling a waitress.
    But I sure like to draw on those tables. I think once I actually got so tipsy, I left my number on the table, scrawled in Crayola for my server, which may have been a guy. Yeah, I was that drunk.

  3. wigsf Says:
  4. Actually, now that I think about it some more. It's probably best that there aren't those colouring tables and alcohol being served on tap in the same establishment. It prevents me from hitting on the waiters.

  5. WIGSF - I figured there were probably some exceptions to the colouring rule, but then again, maybe not, especially if you're leaving your numbers for waiters too. Ha. I've been to at least one good place to eat where you could do this, and it's probably just frustrating to me because I can't draw a damn thing.

  6. JLee Says:
  7. I think the shoe one should be in the "man handbook" ha
    As far as the coloring at the tables, you KNOW I have to disagree with that, since I can a. have something to entertain myself with (having the attention span of a 5 yr old) and b. I can impress the wait staff with a mural while I wait. haha

    I LOVE that you quoted from Homer Simpson. Classic Homer! lol

  8. kmwthay Says:
  9. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the drunken viking is out and about.

    I like coloring on the tables too. But I fidget a lot.

    Complimenting a woman on her shoes has to be done in just the right way. Otherwise, she may think you are gay.

  10. Jlee - It works every single time. Ha. Maybe not, but it can be helpful. And you're an exception because you CAN draw whereas I am horrible. Still, you can draw anywhere, so maybe taking a break at dinner if OK. :)

    Kmwthay - You could be far away most likely because my voice tends to raise in volume. Ha. I will color on tables if it's available, but I always disappoint myself with the results. Finally, you're right about the compliment as your tone makes a huge difference (though if you're staring at other areas that a tip too).

  11. JLee Says:
  12. ps
    I just saw Mel Gibson playing a drunken Viking on a horse to open the Spike TV's Guy's Choice movie awards. haha

  13. Boxer Says:
  14. As an employer, you're so right about not calling in on Friday or Monday. I feel sorry for my employees, because I was so bad myself that every excuse I've ever heard is one I used myself. HA! No sympathy here.

    I love coloring on tables. I took my nephews out for lunch on Saturday and the waitress asked if we needed the children's menu, to which my nephew said "NO!" but then I said "but can I have the crayons?"

    I totally agree about looking around before you tell a joke and I'm sorry to say this, but Brad Pitt still looks hawt in that stupid hat.

  15. Linda Says:
  16. Drunken Viking very wise this week, especially about the shoes. Though when a man compliments my shoes, I do tend to think BS. I'm more of the assumtion that he likes the way the shoes make my legs look .... which still works.

  17. Believe it or not, I actually have a friend who pulls off the flat cap. I know, I never thought it was possible. He tried it on as a joke, and I told him he should get it, and meant it. It shocked me too.

  18. Jlee - Thanks for the heads-up - I'll have my lawyers draft a suit immediately. Ha.

    Boxer - That's right, you should know about those excuses. Ha. At least you used your experience in seeing right through them. As for the tables, I do color on them too (just not well at all). Finally, Pitt overcomes the hat, but it doesn't do him any favors. :)

    Linda - Ha. Yes, I figure you can see right through such a comliment, but even then, it's a smoother ways of complimenting legs or other things, so . . . it still works. :) Hopefully.

    Native Minnow - Man, I would have bet the house against it. But there are exceptions to every rule I suppose. I think old European guys can sort of wear it, but you need to be 60+. Your friend should play this to his advantage.

  19. BostonPobble Says:
  20. The shoes thing ~ Absolutely 100% Right! Nice tip for your male readers.

    And I thought about the Drunken Viking one night in Cancun when I was having such insights. Mind you, I lost them by morning (the hangover definitely had something to do with it) but it had previously been an insightful evening worthy of the horns, imo.

  21. Heff Says:
  22. Why not just compliment the woman's breasts ? I like to keep things simple : )

  23. Bostonpobble - I thought so, and it felt greedy to hold back such information. Ha. And yes, I seem to recall some insightful things bubbling up during my own trips to Cancun (twice, many years ago), but they are long gone now. Ha.

    Heff - But you are complimenting her breasts in the Viking scenario too - just going about it in a more round-about way. Ha. I guess you could argue for the direct route as well. Whatever works, eh?

  24. Miss Ash Says:
  25. Is a flat cap different from a school boy cap?? Cause I look phenomenal in a school boy cap :)

    As for the magazines in any office, Hands you know how many nasty germy people have touched them. I always bring my own.

  26. Amélie Says:
  27. lol, can't recall any guys every complimenting my shoes. I guess if they did they'd stand out.

  28. Amélie Says:
  29. ever*

  30. Miss Ash - I think it is different, and women (and obviously you know this - ha) can wear the Page Boy well. Men - and probably not even boys - just shouldn't. Ha. And I never thought of the magazine situation until now. Dammit, you've ruined the good ones.

    Amelie - You see - you would remember such a compliment. But now you will also be suspicious. Ha.

  31. Farzan Says:
  32. Good post, Pitt does look kind of funky in that hat.

  33. Romany Angel Says:
  34. Am I the only woman in the universe who can't stand buying shoes? I would go through life barefoot if I could.

    You are not going to believe what the Word Verification is.....imhot. I swear on a stack of bibles it's true.

    Love Homer's quote too.

    Just one more thing in this hotch potch of a comment, have you checked your emails lately?

    Now if you'll excuse me I must go and type imhot for probably the first and only time in my life.

  35. Farzan - Thanks and I agree as Pitt tends to wear those things in real life - a lot. I just think they look kind of silly.

    Romany Angel - I never get any fun word verification. Ha. It's always gibberish. And you must be in the minority on the shoe thing, at least from my experience. :) Finally, I am way behind on email as I am busy as hell through next week, but I will catch up today or tomorrow for sure . . .


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