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Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, September 15, 2009

{This is the 30th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. Last night, I wallowed in Dos Equis and Shiner Bock for football which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}



• You can never fully trust built-in underwear lining.

• If your actions cause a female to call you a pussy, then there’s a 97.2% chance that she has made an accurate assessment.

• If you cry during the conversation, the percentage raises to 100%.


• Everyone should be able to make themselves vomit because the occasion will present itself when this skill is required.

• Only buy a hot dog at a ballpark or sports stadium

• Never step into a deserted elevator alone when it smells like farts or cloying perfume or both.

• Taco Bell has only 4 total ingredients in each store which are turned into 78 different foods and all of them will give you gas.


• You should cease to perform any kind of elaborate hand-shakes by the time you turn 30 years old.

• Never eat a banana in public.


• Talk to small children, old people and pets like adults and they will be better off for it and you will sound like an adult yourself.

• Never order the special at a restaurant when they fail to mention the price

“Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure” – Ambrose Bierce

19 comments

  1. Heff Says:
  2. Something told me it was Drunken Viking time again, and I'm not complaining.

    Save the Banana pic for a Gold Image later :)

     
  3. JLee Says:
  4. haha...good ones, except I have to strongly disagree with the vomit one. Strongly disagree. ha

    What if a woman is called a pussy? Is that a bad thing? I was called that today. (jokingly)lol I guess we get a free pass...

    Finally, despite watching no football games this week, I am in 1st place in our work pro pickem. Woo hooo!! I only knew because people were texting me about it. hehe

    word ver: "diseat"

     
  5. Heff - It must be yr. sixth sense metal anntenae (sp?). Ha. Or the smell of alcohol on the wind. And actually, I pulled the banana pic from the site where I usually find my gold images, so good call.

    Jlee - Nice work on the pool. Hope you keep it up as I generally find that the "experts" in those things end up losing and getting mad about it too. Ha. As for vomiting, it is the only helpful thing sometimes, so it's good to be able to do it and I think woman to woman pussy calling is far less offensive than a woman calling a man the same thing. But I'm interently biased, so . . .

     
  6. BostonPobble Says:
  7. Much like the dreaded "built-in bra shelf" ~ keeps wearing the stand alone item from being remotely comfortable but achieves Absolutely Nothing.

     
  8. Gypsy Says:
  9. OK now I've seen that pic I will take your advice on the banana eating in public. I'm guessing the same applies to eating an ice cream. Who the hell knew?

     
  10. BostonPobble - Ha. Yes, I hadn't thought of that, but that principle is directly applicable as it's simply unnecesarrily awkward. Selah.

    Gypsy - As a general rule, I don't think ice cream is quite so bad - unless it's a banana split and then you're just screwed. Just go for a cup of ice cream versus a cone & you'll be just fine.

     
  11. wigsf Says:
  12. Taco Bell's four ingredients:
    - dog
    - cat
    - ground up cactus
    - sweat

     
  13. Wine produces mockers; liquor leads to brawls. Whoever is led astray by drink cannot be wise.

     
  14. nobich Says:
  15. I hate to vomit I avoid it at all costs.

     
  16. WIGSF - I like the cactus and sweat ingredients as I had overlooked those completely. Ha. Good call.

    Solomon Grundy - I'd argue that "led astray" is somewhat ambigious (sp?), but if true, might be valid. Otherwise, taking a little off path and choosing the long way home can still yield plenty of wisdom.

    Nobich - I loathe it as well, and it's been years (knock on wood) since I had to experience it, however, I can remember when doing it was the only thing that made me feel better, if only slightly.

     
  17. kmwthay Says:
  18. interestingly enough, I've been doing my own research on fast food places and measuring the calorie count, fat, sodium, carbs, etc... and it turns out that of all the fast food choices, the 'best' choice is Taco Bell.

     
  19. Kanye West Says:
  20. Taco Bell don't care about black people, yo!

     
  21. Kmwthay - Really? I guess if you stuck to grilled chicken soft tacos, hold the sour cream, then maybe . . . I try to eat fast food only when I drink, which I should possibly reconsider. Ha. Chick Fil-A, of course, doesn't count as fast food.

    Kanye West - Would you just go stop talking about Beyonce, Taco Bell, or anything at all? Ha. But seriously, gag orders should be issued when it comes to you for the good of everyone and every color.

     
  22. Boxer Says:
  23. "Taco Bell has only 4 total ingredients in each store which are turned into 78 different foods and all of them will give you gas"

    bwahahahahahahahahaahahah.

    So.Very.True.

    I hope at least your team won?

     
  24. Miss Ash Says:
  25. What's wrong with street meat from a vendor?? It's hard for me cause I get all picky and want them to use different tongs etc which they never understand....but given the chance a good veggie dog from the street is great!

    And WTF is the point of built in underwear???

     
  26. Boxer - I eat at the Bell about once a year, and that's enough to remind me of this fact. Ha. As for football, I didn't have a strong rooting interest, just happy it was back. :)

    Miss Ash - Isn't a good veggie dog an oxymoron? Ha. But actually, I would agree that sometimes, you can and should grab a street vendor dog. Should have thought of that one . . . And built-in underwear is just lame. Period.

     
  27. Wendy Says:
  28. Sorry I'm so late on this one. BEST DRUNKEN VIKING POST EVER. For some reason, I liked the vomit one. I realize that, as a woman, I should be against this, since so many women have bulimia, but I do believe there are times when throwing up can make you feel better.

     
  29. That observation about Taco Bell is sooo true. I was thinking that exact thing the other day. Well, about the four menu items being combined into 78 different things anyway. The gas is just a given.

     
  30. Wendy - Thanks as I will convey it to the Viking, and tardiness doesn't matter to him one single bit. Ha. I agree 100% with the vomit thing too as I would leave bulimea outside of the scope of that, and simply look at it from a drinking perspective (or food poisoining) as it will make you feel better. Sometimes.

    Native MInnow - Yeah, it finally dawned on me the other day even though it's been blatantly obvious for years, much like the gas thing as you noted. Ha.

     

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