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Bathing With The Drunken Viking: Music Festival Edition

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, October 06, 2009

{This is the 31st entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I endured sun and rain and mud and drank my way through a plethora of Heineken Keg cans at the ACL Festival, which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}



• All women look sexier covered with sweat than drenched with water

• Nobody looks sexy while wearing a poncho


• Learn how to take a punch, but only utilize the skill on rare occasions

• Even if it’s being sold, wine has no place at a music festival – beer or water are the only reasonable choices

• Gate Security never pats you down well enough to find a few tightly rolled joints

• There are absolutely no winners, but women truly get a raw deal when it comes to port-a-pots


• You’ll never discover how all the bruises and sore muscles occurred the night before when you wake up the following morning

• Unless you’re younger than 25 years old, then it’s not worth fighting your way right in front of the stage

• Join in during an impromptu group dance session, but stay out of a freshly formed Mosh Pit


• Much like prison, cigarettes work as a particular kind of currency that is valuable even if you don’t smoke

• Never order food that requires utensils in order to be eaten

• Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him. – Mark Twain

-BDS

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18 comments

  1. wigsf Says:
    9:22 AM

  2. - Water is clean, sweat is dirty; and we like 'em dirty. Oooh yeah.
    - I don't dude. I can rock a poncho.
    - Dude, I learned how to take a blast of pepper spray in my face. I can handle a punch.
    - Wine is to be drunken while listening to classical music. So, unless there's an orchestra playing Mozart on stage and the audience is in formal wear, put the wine away.
    - How do you think gate security guys score their stuff?
    - You just gotta give the woman something better to do in the portopotties.
    - I assume they're all from hitting on drunk chicks, who even in their inebriated state, still won't touch me in a pleasant manner.
    - Stay in the back, closer to the beer tent. With age comes wisdom.
    - Gotta meet women somehow.
    - Good to carry a selection of slims for the ladies, just in case.
    - Yes, hot dogs should be the most complex food served at a music festival.

     
  3. Heff Says:
    9:57 AM

  4. 10-4 on the cigarettes as currency. Have you been to prison ? lol.

     
  5. BostonPobble Says:
    10:03 AM

  6. I'd fallen pretty far behind but have gotten (mostly) caught up now. You have my sympathies for the day you couldn't even handle Us Weekly and my envy over the Drunken Viking. ;)

     
  7. JLee Says:
    10:06 AM

  8. hahah...sage advice for the festival goers. I think you should have worn the Viking helmet while walking around. My coworker went and had some fun pics...she was rockin' the hot pink rain poncho! lol When I heard of the rain, I asked "was it like Woodstock?" "Pretty much"

     
  9. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    10:07 AM

  10. WIGSF - That is some nice detail, so good point on the water/dirt scenario, I'm not sure I believe you on the poncho as nobody can in my experience, pepper spray is pretty rough from what I've heard so kudos, agree aboutt he wine (maybe a jazz festival too), gate guys get all kinds of swag, nothing good happens in a porta potty, the beer tent is definitely one reason to do that, cigarrettes do work in that regard and there's this chicken cone (flour tortilla) thing that is awesome at ACl.

    Heff - I had kind of forgotten since not as many people smoke anymore, but it definitely works. And the Viking would never last in prison as the humor level is far too low there. Ha.

    Bostonpobble - Glad to see you around & yeah, it's pretty ugly when US Weekly is too demanding. That must mean the brain has turned into pudding. And the Viking had a good time this weekend, and maybe next year at the festival, he'll even pull out the horns for a bit. Maybe.

     
  11. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    10:08 AM

  12. Jlee - Flew by you in Cyberspace, but see my last commment to Pobble as we were on the same page with the horns at the Festival. Maybe next year. And yeah, there was a hell of a lot of mud on Saturday/Sunday. I stupidly wore flip flops on Saturday and they kept getting stuck, so I just went around barefoot . . .

     
  13. h Says:
    10:10 AM

  14. I still can't believe that Dave Matthew's Band was a head-liner at an event that's supposed to feature cutting-edge music. Did Barbara Streisand play too?

    Totally concur with Wigsf's assessment of Concert Security. Dope and cash and jewelry taken from stoner-kids are their prime sources of income.

     
  15. Kymical Reactions Says:
    10:19 AM

  16. I refuse to use a port a pot. There are no circumstances when I would. I get grossed out just thinking of it.


    Bummer that it rained for the festival. But Beer always makes rain no big deal.

    Thanks for your support of my team this weekend. (which I find slightly suspicious since you're on the other sided of that Red River ShootOut.) The post before my MM was a breakdown of what I felt happened. Or didn't happen. (that's probably more accurate.)

     
  17. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    10:44 AM

  18. Troll Y2K - Yeah, but DMB still has a pretty huge following, and they make sure the Fri/Sat/Sun headliners have something like that. Kings of Leon were the Friday closer, and they are probably the biggest rock band going right now, or so I'm told. And I figure you gotta have some perks as a security guard. I guess.

    Kmwthay - Then you would be in trouble at the festival. Ha. But I don't blame you - it's a bad deal for sure. As for the Sooners, the only reason I wanted them to win was to keep their ranking high so Texas could stomp them, which in turn, would help us keep our ranking high. So . . . the motives might wrong, but I was still pulling for them. Ha.

     
  19. nobich Says:
    11:39 AM

  20. So did you have fun?? mud & all it sounds like a good time no??

     
  21. Jenny Says:
    12:01 PM

  22. I once attended a fairly fancy outdoor event and the portapots were LOVELY! It was a little freaky. I almost missed the smell of that deodorizer. In general, I'd rather pay for gas I don't need, or a coffee I'm going to drop in the trash just to use a real bathroom.

    Are you getting too old for these things? bwahahahahhaha.

    Agree with the ponchos, btw.

     
  23. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    12:39 PM

  24. Nobich - Yes. Definitely. I just need a weekend from my weekend as 3 days straight is tough. Ha.

    Boxer - See above comment about getting too old. :) But yes, it's a little more brutal with each passing year (think this is my 5th in a row). That would have freaked me out with a clean-smelling porta potty as you must have somehow stumbled across a tear in the universe with that one. And yeah, everybody just looks soggy and shapeless in a poncho. Unfortunately.

     
  25. Linda Says:
    12:49 PM

  26. Reading this makes me realize I am not qualified to go to an event like this. I think I was born too old to attend. Mud, mosh pits and fists make me shudder. Though the beer appeals to me :) Hope you had fun despite the rain!

     
  27. Miss Ash Says:
    10:57 PM

  28. I think wine belongs at fancy restaurants...it bothers me when I see people drinking it at busy clubs nevermind weekend concerts in a field.

    Amen brotha about the bruises...I often wake up with enormous inexplicable marks all over my body after a night on the town.

     
  29. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    10:19 AM

  30. Linda - To be fair, this was the first year there was mud, I've never seen a fight at this festival in the 5 years I've been attending and my Dad has come down every year to go and he loves it. And rarely is there a mosh pit either. But there is always beer. Ha.

    Miss Ash - I know . . . and yet I can never figure out how they happened & why they didn't hurt at the time. Beer probably has something to do with that. And yes, I generally only drink wine at restaurants or at home, but never at a concert.

     
  31. Savannah Says:
    10:21 PM

  32. Gee I'm alarmed at the consensus about wine because I'd be totally screwed since it's all I drink. Luckily I am past the point of wanting to go to a shindig like that anyway...ha.

    Port-a-pots are the worst and the drunker people get, the worse it becomes as they are incapable of pumping that flusher. Ewwww....

     
  33. Native Minnow Says:
    12:28 PM

  34. I'm sad I missed out on the music festival. Again. I have a friend who went. She had a wonderful time. Mud and all.

     
  35. 2 Dollar Productions Says:
    8:37 AM

  36. Gypsy - I like wine quite a bit, but I would only drink it at a jazz festival, I think. This kind of thing demands beer or water in my opinion and you might be surprised at how the setting helps you like it. Ha. Amen on the porta pottys - ugly all the way around.

    Native Minnow - One of these years Minnow, you are going to have to make it to Austin for this festival. It's a good time - promise.

     

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