"All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me, no Cock Pump," - Ryan Reynolds, "Van Wilder"
"Van Wilder" was funnier than it had any right to be, and it certainly helped that they decided to cast Tara Reid as an investigative journalist known for her penetrating exposes about Darfur and other weighty topics. Personally, I don't buy it.
But I do buy the fact that it's Friday, so let's look at the hard stories of the week and expose challenging news items such as:
Paris Hilton has called it quits with Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden with the split revolving around Madden's controlling ways that restricted the heiress, Star magazine reported.
“Paris was fed up with Benji always telling her what to do and bossing her around,” an insider told the mag. “She couldn’t take his overbearing ways anymore . . . She felt she couldn’t cut loose and party,” says the source. 
I'm actually with Hilton on this one because I thought her only job in the world was to party, and you can't deprive someone of their livelihood.
The BBC reported that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were scheduled to be granted a preliminary divorce decree today at the High Court in London. After six weeks and a day, the divorce would be made final.
According to the British press, Madonna, 50, and Ritchie, 40, reached a settlement over money and their kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, 8, and David, 3. London's Evening Standard reports that Madonna will keep the bulk of her estimated $500 million fortune intact, though Ritchie was entitled by law to a share of it. 
Richie forfeited most of his monetary share when he chose to direct Madonna in the putrid film "Swept Away" and he was concerned it would be shown as evidence in the courtroom had he pressed his rights.
Suri Cruise topped the Forbes.com list of Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots this week as the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes shot past last years' winner Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.
The rankings are based on media coverage and popularity of the child's parents.
Public readership for the rankings are aimed towards people who have no life.
Michael Jackson was sued for $7 million this week by a Bahrain Sheik who has filed a breach-of-contract case against the troubled singer at London's Royal Courts of Justice.
In 2006, Jackson announced he would put out a new album for Khalifa's record label 2 Seas Records. Media reports say Khalifa is arguing that the promised work was never delivered.
Jackson is arguing that the Sheik never delivered on his promise that a playground be constructed in the recording studio, and that Jackson "couldn't work under these conditions."
A perfume company is claiming Prince and his music publisher failed to honor a contract to help market a fragrance named for the album "3121."
The breach-of-contract lawsuit was filed Monday by Revelations Perfume and Cosmetics Inc. in New York, and the company claims that it spent $2.5 million and agreed to pay Universal half of net profits from sales of the perfume.
Now, Revelations claims Universal and Prince haven't participated in various promotions since the fragrance launch in July 2007.
It was rumored that Prince became angry during negotiations, shouted to his handlers "Let's Go Crazy," then ran outside and jumped in his "Little Red Corvette" as "Purple Rain" pelted the Revelations executives who were understandably angry.
Heather Locklear was charged this week with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs, a charge which stemmed from her arrest two months ago in Santa Barbara County, a prosecutor said.
There was no alcohol and no illegal narcotics in her system, only prescription medications, said Santa Barbara County Deputy Dist. Atty. Lee Carter. 
Police offered no comment concerning the bottles of Horny Goat Weed located in the backseat.
People Magazine named Hugh Jackman its 'Sexiest Man of the Year' this week.
Jackman's wife of 12 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, calls his perfect form “the Body of Doom — but I like what's inside." 
"Me," she later added.
Winona Ryder's publicist says the actress was briefly hospitalized after falling ill on a flight to London's Heathrow Airport this week.
Publicist Mara Buxbaum says the 37-year-old was taken to a west London hospital as a precaution Wednesday but has been released and is fine. Buxbaum refused to go into details of Ryder's illness.
Reports that Ryder used the illness as an elaborate ploy to steal airline blankets was later proven to be inaccurate.
But let's not finish with health concerns, and instead, focus on a gold image (s):
I hope you enjoy these images as much as I do, remember that most things are sexier with black and white backdrops and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the 23rd entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we broke out the first batch of this year's Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* Always project authority on every subject except the weather. 
* Volvos are undoubtedly one of the safest cars on the road, however, the people who drive them are always the slowest vehicles on the freeway.
* Cranberry sauce always looks far better than it tastes
* Never wear underwear at a strip club or on Thanksgiving day for entirely different reasons.
* Pot-luck lunches at work are the perfect time to pursue stealth reconnaissance missions to check and make sure you are not being underpaid
* You can learn a lot about other people and yourself by digging through their trash
* Even though it results in bills and junk mail, it's always an exciting experience checking the mailbox in hopes that it contains unexpected good news
* Always have sex at a holiday party in the host's bathroom because you're surrounded by clean-up options. 
* "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy," Frank Sinatra
-BDS
Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Full price if you are a Bond fanatic, however, it is a stellar matinee value otherwise.
Will I Own It On DVD: Yes. I own 'Casino Royale' and this film picks up right where that one ended, so it's a fine companion piece. 
1) The best James Bond movies make you hate your own life just a little bit. This is due to the fact that you don't operate on the level of Bond with his constant parade of fine cars, finer bedroom partners, unlimited monetary resources and killing instincts.
Therefore, the most entertaining entries to this series provide an excellent sense of escapism to a reality that you wish existed. 'Quantum of Solace' is a capable product, but this is a Bond world that does not appear to be nearly as much fun as numerous others.
2) 'Solace' is a consistently grim ride that finds Bond hunting down a well-funded, covert organization who killed his girlfriend from 'Royale.' He is understandly pissed off, however, an hour and fifty minutes without cracking a smile or enjoying much of anything outside of rampant killing leaves viewers out in the cold.
This personality also limits Bond's effectiveness as a Secret Agent in the film. In fact, he is a severely poor one for most of the running time because instead of interrogating potential informants, he simply kills them without extracting any useful information. 
3) Daniel Craig turns in another fine performance, and his Bond continues to be one who seems to relish running through walls and windows and people instead of around any immovable object.
Craig's ability to capture the dangerous, brute side of Bond has made him an interesting and necessary choice for the re-invention of the franchise. I just hope the next film gives him the ability to enjoy himself more than in 'Solace.'
4) The biggest problem I've had with 'Royale' and now 'Solace' is the villians, which have pretty fairly lame. This time, the "threat" is a pasty, eco-criminal (Mathieu Amalric) who is trying to help trample Bolivia to get to oil and water resources or something like that (it wasn't interesting enough to truly pay firm attention).
His climatic fight with Bond holds absolutely zero menace because Amalric barely looks like he can stand without tripping himself, and there's no way he would be a problem in hand-to-hand combat. I'm ready for a true badass in the next installment who carries some weight.
5) I was surprised by the number of parents who brought their young children into 'Solace.' As I mentioned, this entry is more violent than most and racks up a fairly impressive body count every step of the way.
There was some crying and at one point I heard a small boy ask with a quavering voice, "Is it over yet?" It wasn't, and this project was not meant for small children.
-BDS
"Wow. You've taken good care of your body," - Mads Mikkelsen, "Casino Royale"
This was a bizarre line in an otherwise fine James Bond movie as the screenwriters must have felt the need to draw attention to Daniel Craig's naked body as he is being tortured in a chair by Mikkelsen. Personally, I don't plan to comment on the exercise regime of any male co-workers today, however, I will gladly accept compliments from any source because I refuse to discriminate.
But before anything like that occurs, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Britney Spears’ 2-year-old son, Jayden James - was hospitalized in a Mississippi medical facility and then released this week after having a bad reaction to something he ate. 
The doctors on staff narrowed down the offending food to Cheetos, Pop Tarts, Blow-Pops, Yoo-Hoo or possibly a toxic combination of all of the food groups that compete for pantry space at the Spears household.
Adrienne Bailon - the eldest member of the teen pop group The Cheetah Girls - had naked pics floating around cyberspace this week after becoming the victim of an extortion plot, TMZ.com reports.
The 25-year-old’s laptop was stolen in late October while the singer was waiting for a flight at JFK International Airport in New York, and later an anonymous man asked for and was given $1,000 for the return of the computer. He gave it back, however, the nude pics of the singer were missing from the computer.
Bailon had reportedly taken the racy pics as an anniversary present for her Robert Kardashian.
Yet again, this story proves that the only safe haven for celebrity nude pictures is with me, so please send all copies to Austin lest they wind up in the wrong hands.
The Hours Oscar winner Nicole Kidman and Monster Oscar winner Charlize Theron announced they will be starring in an upcoming movie together - as a married couple.
Kidman will star in and produce The Danish Girl, based on a 2000 best-selling novel about real-life Danish artists – and husband and wife – Einar and Greta Wegener. In the 1920s, the male Einar (to be played by Kidman) posed as a woman for his painter wife Greta (to be played by Theron). 
In the 2000s, I will pay money to see exactly what kind of posing and painting this entails as I only hope that nude portraits are involved somewhere in the running time.
In other movie news, Beyonce said this week that she is interested in playing 'Wonder Woman' in a movie.
"I want to do a superhero movie and what would be better than Wonder Woman? It would be great," Beyonce told the Los Angeles Times. "And it would be a very bold choice. A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing. It's time for that, right?"
I know that the original Wonder Woman - Lynda Carter - caused a 'powerful thing' to rise in me, so I figure it's time that someone else was given a shot as long as the outfit remains intact.
Brad Pitt was the victim of a bizarre incident on Monday when a security guard grabbed him and spun him round at the Los Angeles premiere of his latest movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."
When Pitt arrived, hordes of photographers surged, but instead of shielding Pitt, a plainclothes guard turned on the actor, spinning him around and pulling him backwards, according to People.com. A confused Pitt then broke free, spoke to the man and waited in an upstairs bathroom for the commotion to subside.
Pitt didn't blame the man, however, and said, "Though they were exceptionally more aggressive than usual breaking through a security barrier and into a private holding area, ultimately (it was) just another day in the life. ..."
I thought that being spun around by another man, and then waiting around in public bathrooms was only another day in the life of George Michael.
Jennifer Aniston sat down with Oprah for an interview this week where Anniston addressed the issue of her recent Vogue magazine story that quoted Aniston as saying: "What Angelina did was very uncool."
When questioned Oprah as to why she said that, Aniston replied, "He asked me a question and I, basically, just answered it as honestly as I could." 
Aniston then added that she honestly thought that Jolie was a "filthy, two-faced, home-wrecking slut," but that she wished her and Brad all the best.
As always, let's end with a gold image or two:
Sometimes you have to look at things from behind to get into the proper frame of mind. So, don't be afraid to turn things around today, feel free to ponder the state of the world in the rearview mirror and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I went to the dentist yesterday for a routine cleaning, and despite a stellar scorecard from both the hygienist and the doctor, I left thinking yet again that dentistry is a far bigger racket than doctors. In addition to the astronomical prices for what should be minor procedures by this point in time, it is the entire experience that tends to grate my nerves.
The unpleasantness begins immediately after signing into the registry to confirm your presence in the office. It could be coincidence, however, I've found dentists boast the worst waiting room magazine selection on the planet. It's like they take a perverse pride in only giving you the option of thumbing through 3-year-old National Geographics or obscure Field and Stream issues or possibly Architectural Digest.
After killing time staring at the wallpaper, your name is called and then you are placed into a chair with your mouth pried open wider than the waiting room at a Fluffer try-out session. My personal pet peeve at this point is the hygienists who ask open-ended questions when you can't possibly talk. 
How was your weekend is an inquiry that doesn't lend itself to discussion when you can't do anything except ground or make a few vowel sounds
After scraping your teeth down, they begin to polish them which tickles like crazy. This alternates with them spraying water into your mouth and having you swish before constantly spitting the backwash into a suction apparatus. Then, they begin rigorously flossing your teeth and gums, a procedure that feels somewhat pleasant except that most hygienists also utilize this time to turn into flossing Nazis who chastise you for not spending 20 minutes a day going back and forth over each and every tooth. 
The best part is that during the entire process you get to wear a bib around your neck thus ensuring their superiority over a grown adult who has been forced to wear such a thing.
Luckily, the actual dentist only tends to spend a few minutes making idle chatter and poking a little at your teeth before moving onto the next customer. It would help immensely if they would offer optional laughing gas for routine cleanings, however, I've seen no evidence they plan to extend the service. 
The only good thing is that it's another six months before I have to return, although I'm sure the same National Geographic will be waiting for me.
-BDS
{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the 11th in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}
Anatomy of a Corporate Meeting Escape
Meeting Scheduled: Friday at 2 p.m.
Weather Outside: 78 degrees and sunny.
1:57 p.m. - Arrive a few minutes early with colleagues, and scout seating arrangement. This past Friday, it had changed from standard rows to a semi-circle that made it seem like a campfire meeting, although luckily we did not sign Kumbaya (sp?) yet I wouldn't have minded roasting a few S'mores. 
2:00 p.m. - Mingle a little bit with co-workers from other departments making your presence know, but not too obvious.
2:04 p.m. - Take a seat near the back with access to an aisle that allows you to avoid stepping over too many people. In this case, there are two large pillars in the room and I took a seat to the left of the one closest to the door, thus obscuring the view of those sitting on the right-hand side of the circle.
2:12 p.m. - Meeting is called to order by CEO. This bullshit meeting is already 12 minutes behind.
2:28 p.m. - Walk casually over to your boss, and congratulate him on his 5-year anniversary at the company (which was just recognized by CEO). Then, return to your seat. This establishes that you can stand up, move around to do something and yet still return to the meeting to give it your undivided attention.
2:43 p.m. - CEO places miniscule representation PowerPoint slide of company finances seen through accounting standards dating back from the previous 18 months. Day-dream about escaping downtown to meet for drinks while alternately looking concerned as you check your Blackberry. 
2:58 p.m. - Leave your seat and stand near the back next to the pillar, grabbing at your back is optional to explain without words that sitting that long has irritated your body.
3:09 p.m. - Executive Council asks for questions. Ask one early question that you know someone on the staff wants to answer as it shows your company interest as well as the fact that you're still in attendance. Inch closer to the pillar. 
3:21 p.m. - Questions are winding down yet the invitation to stand around and have some beers will be coming soon.
3:27 p.m. - CEO thanks everyone for taking time from their days to attend, and turns it over to the HR department. It's time to make a break for it.
As the Executive team goes back to their seats and the HR team moves forward, walk confidently towards the door - fast, but not too fast - and don't look back because only guilty bastards look back.
Grasp the door handle firmly and once on the opposite side of it, do NOT let it slam shut and instead, bring it to a gentle closing and then run for the closest exit, down the stairs to the your car and then drive towards a downtown patio bar secure in the knowledge that you are living the best of both worlds.
-BDS
"My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free," - Jason Lee, "Mallrats"
That's a fine question to ask as long as the subtext isn't inquiring about sex with cattle. Probably not.
Anyway, there will be no bestiality for me today, although some evil son of a bitch scheduled a company meeting for 2 - 3:30 pm and if I’m still in the office at 3 pm on a Friday, then something horrible has occurred.
But before I figure out a meeting room seat that allows me to sneak out quietly, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
As of the deadline for QHF, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were rumored to be joining Madonna onstage last night at Dodger Stadium for the Material Girl's stop in Los Angeles for her "Sticky & Sweet" tour.
Ryan Seacrest called KISS FM DJ Boy Toy Jesse to reveal the news prior to his own radio show.
"I just got word that Justin and Britney are going to be onstage with Madonna tomorrow at Dodger Stadium," Seacrest said. "They're going to be onstage, performing at some point with Madonna tomorrow."
The only real question is which one will be Sticky and which will be Sweet and how many times will Madonna lick both of them to discover the proper ratio.
Jessica Simpson's friend and celebrity hair stylist Ken Paves had his face cut by a paparazzi camera during photographer rush following his meal with Simpson.
According to TMZ, Jess' mane man was leading his star client out of the restaurant, when the cameramen closed in. During the fracas, Paves was hit near his eye with a part of a camera, causing blood to trickle down his face as he still managed to get Simpson inside their waiting ride. 
As they rode to the hospital, Simpson bandaged Paves and repeatedly assured him that "your hair still looks beautiful."
Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor's car.
A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the "Matrix" star before clearing Reeves as Silva was seeking damages of about $640,800 for medical bills and past and future lost earnings.
The jury did, however, convict Reeves of highway robbery to the general public for his participation in parts 2 and 3 of "The Matrix."
Filmmakers Peter Farrelly and Bobby Farrelly ("There's Something About Mary"), will be bringing "The Three Stooges" to the big screen as the duo are attached to direct the project from their own script. MGM hopes to release the film next November.
"The Three Stooges are a timeless staple of comedy," said Mary Parent, chairman of MGM's worldwide motion picture group. "And when we heard what the Farrellys had in mind, we knew it was time for Larry, Moe and Curly to return to the big screen."
I'd bet my paycheck that the Farrelly's minds envision disgusting bodily functions and repeated kicks to the crotch for the Stooges.
Oscar-winning actress Jane Fonda will return to Broadway after a 46-year absence to perform in "33 Variations" in 2009.
The projects concerns the story of Beethoven's fascination with a trivial waltz and the modern-day musicologist Katherine Brandt (Fonda) who sets out to discover the root of his obsession.
"I am very excited about being in Moises' new play. I can't wait to get back on stage with him in this role that I understand so well. It's been 40-some years!" Fonda said in a statement.
I just hope she plays the character decked out in leg warmers from the 80s (Editor's note: I realize that time chronology between her last Broadway stint and her jazzercise hey-day does not hold).
Kate Winslet slammed British critics this week after her sexy spread in the upcoming "Vanity Fair" issue was deemed to have been airbrushed.
"Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed," her rep told People. "She is in terrific shape and what you see is how she looks or she would never have agreed to pose for those shots," her rep added.
I'm on Kate's side, and to prove it, I have sent a certified letter to her 'people' offering my services in Austin as an impartial judge of her body. I've yet to receive confirmation of the receipt.
Holly Madison - Hugh Hefner's former No. 1 girlfriend - told "Extra" this week that she is excited about her future dating prospects and also took some digs at Hef.
"It might be refreshing to date someone who is not high maintenance," Madison said. She also added: "I haven't had sex in a really long time," she said. "And that's the honest truth."
Shocking. I can't believe that Madison wasn't having no-holds-barred, round-the-clock sex with an octogenarian. I just don't believe it.
I do, however, believe in gold image parting shot (s): 
Damn, these pics make me feel like breaking out some Baby Oil and going to the gym (among other places). So, remember to lie or sit straight up today, feel free to grease yourself as needed and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I was having people over to watch the election coverage last night, and I needed booze. 
Typically, I stock beer and red wine at my loft to drink myself as hard liquor is usually reserved for going downtown. But to me, election night demanded the hard stuff as beer and wine were far too tame for what was at stake. It proved to be a fine idea as it was comforting to listen to the talking heads pontificate with a drink mixed inside a squat, sturdy glass that burned going down.
Different occasions call for different intoxicants, and so with that in mind, I wrote a short list of activities and their corresponding pollutant during one of the innumerable dead stretches where bizarre holograms appeared on my television last night.
Election Coverage: Hard Liquor and Champagne
Super Bowl: Beer
Las Vegas: Ecstasy 
Dinner party: Wine, Irish coffee
Sweat Lodge in the desert: Peyote
New Years Eve: Champagne
Summer party: Margaritas and Sangria (not too sweet)
Winter party: Stout beers and Whiskey
Party where you know nobody: Cocaine
Judd Apatow movie: Dope
Bachelor Party: Good Tequila
Prison: Glue
I'm not sure what is appropriate for taking a break to blog at work, however, I think I'll go slug some coffee and push through the afternoon.
-BDS
Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Matinee. Unless you have a burning desire to see it because the word 'porno' is in the title, then a matinee would suffice. And if the word porn gets you going that much, then you might as well apply that $9.50 towards an actual adult movie.
Will I Own It On DVD: Possibly. If it drops below $10 at Best Buy, then I might pick it up one day. 
1) "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" is a wonderful title that sums up the film quite well. It tells the story of platonic best friends - Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks - who live together and then one day turn to making a porno film when they run of money to pay their rent/heating/water bills. This happens every day I suppose. 
2) This movie does not serve as a particularly good date movie unless you are dead-certain about the female who might accompany you for a consistently vulgar ride filled with rampant nudity, strong profanity and a bit of pure sexual filthiness to round things out.
3) Luckily, 'Zack and Miri' also has a small, but sweet side as the cast helps elevate the material into an enjoyable package (pun intended). Banks turns in an extremely winning performance that grounds the movie into some sense of reality and reasonable behavior, however, the entire cast is strong.
The ensemble works well together, and allows you to believe that they truly enjoy being with each other and have found a rallying goal in making this porno. Craig Robinson (Darryl from TV's "The Office) and frequent Smith collaborator Jason Mewes are particularly amusing, and Brandon Routh ("Superman") and Justin Long (Mac commercials) have a funny cameo as a gay couple at the high school reunion. 
4) I enjoy Seth Rogen. I find him to be likable and a funny guy, however, he's starting to grind away at the same character over and over again. There is certainly a place for a profane slacker with a tender side, but when that is the character description nearly every time you are cast, then it becomes very ordinary. On the plus side, he wasn't smoking pot this time, so I guess that counts as a bit of a departure.
5) In the Kevin Smith filmography, "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" is a fine addition that is far closer return to form then "Clerks 2." It doesn't rival "Clerks" or "Chasing Amy" for Smith's best work, but if you're looking for a winning cast and a film that is summed up in the title, then you could do far worse than spending time with Zack and Miri. 
-BDS
