2 Dollar Productions

"My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free," - Jason Lee, "Mallrats"


That's a fine question to ask as long as the subtext isn't inquiring about sex with cattle. Probably not.

Anyway, there will be no bestiality for me today, although some evil son of a bitch scheduled a company meeting for 2 - 3:30 pm and if I’m still in the office at 3 pm on a Friday, then something horrible has occurred.

But before I figure out a meeting room seat that allows me to sneak out quietly, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:

As of the deadline for QHF, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were rumored to be joining Madonna onstage last night at Dodger Stadium for the Material Girl's stop in Los Angeles for her "Sticky & Sweet" tour.

Ryan Seacrest called KISS FM DJ Boy Toy Jesse to reveal the news prior to his own radio show.

"I just got word that Justin and Britney are going to be onstage with Madonna tomorrow at Dodger Stadium," Seacrest said. "They're going to be onstage, performing at some point with Madonna tomorrow."


The only real question is which one will be Sticky and which will be Sweet and how many times will Madonna lick both of them to discover the proper ratio.

Jessica Simpson's friend and celebrity hair stylist Ken Paves had his face cut by a paparazzi camera during photographer rush following his meal with Simpson.

According to TMZ, Jess' mane man was leading his star client out of the restaurant, when the cameramen closed in. During the fracas, Paves was hit near his eye with a part of a camera, causing blood to trickle down his face as he still managed to get Simpson inside their waiting ride.


As they rode to the hospital, Simpson bandaged Paves and repeatedly assured him that "your hair still looks beautiful."

Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor's car.

A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the "Matrix" star before clearing Reeves as Silva was seeking damages of about $640,800 for medical bills and past and future lost earnings.


The jury did, however, convict Reeves of highway robbery to the general public for his participation in parts 2 and 3 of "The Matrix."

Filmmakers Peter Farrelly and Bobby Farrelly ("There's Something About Mary"), will be bringing "The Three Stooges" to the big screen as the duo are attached to direct the project from their own script. MGM hopes to release the film next November.

"The Three Stooges are a timeless staple of comedy," said Mary Parent, chairman of MGM's worldwide motion picture group. "And when we heard what the Farrellys had in mind, we knew it was time for Larry, Moe and Curly to return to the big screen."


I'd bet my paycheck that the Farrelly's minds envision disgusting bodily functions and repeated kicks to the crotch for the Stooges.

Oscar-winning actress Jane Fonda will return to Broadway after a 46-year absence to perform in "33 Variations" in 2009.

The projects concerns the story of Beethoven's fascination with a trivial waltz and the modern-day musicologist Katherine Brandt (Fonda) who sets out to discover the root of his obsession.

"I am very excited about being in Moises' new play. I can't wait to get back on stage with him in this role that I understand so well. It's been 40-some years!" Fonda said in a statement.


I just hope she plays the character decked out in leg warmers from the 80s (Editor's note: I realize that time chronology between her last Broadway stint and her jazzercise hey-day does not hold).

Kate Winslet slammed British critics this week after her sexy spread in the upcoming "Vanity Fair" issue was deemed to have been airbrushed.

"Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed," her rep told People. "She is in terrific shape and what you see is how she looks or she would never have agreed to pose for those shots," her rep added.



I'm on Kate's side, and to prove it, I have sent a certified letter to her 'people' offering my services in Austin as an impartial judge of her body. I've yet to receive confirmation of the receipt.

Holly Madison - Hugh Hefner's former No. 1 girlfriend - told "Extra" this week that she is excited about her future dating prospects and also took some digs at Hef.

"It might be refreshing to date someone who is not high maintenance," Madison said. She also added: "I haven't had sex in a really long time," she said. "And that's the honest truth."


Shocking. I can't believe that Madison wasn't having no-holds-barred, round-the-clock sex with an octogenarian. I just don't believe it.

I do, however, believe in gold image parting shot (s):



Damn, these pics make me feel like breaking out some Baby Oil and going to the gym (among other places). So, remember to lie or sit straight up today, feel free to grease yourself as needed and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS