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Corporate Etiquette 104 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, December 17, 2007

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the fourth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

Things were going well for me at work this past Friday until I walked into the bathroom.

It was almost 2:00 p.m., and I was wrapping things up for the week with an eye on leaving early to beat the Friday traffic. My mind was on a downtown bar as I opened the men's room door to discover a foul and unpleasant odor.

This olfactory irritation wasn't entirely unexpected. These things DO happen. I was, in fact, standing inside a bathroom so the surprise factor was limited. The culprit was inside a stall with his pants bunched around his ankles in the common mode of bathroom operation.

As I stood at a urinal, however, a low rumbling was heard from the stall. It was a guttural, primal sound of fury. A take-no-prisoners cry from the bowels of hell. It sounded like a an oversized duck being fed into a wood chipper, except the smell was much worse.

I quickly flushed, and started washing my hands. I wanted to leave. No part of me wanted to actually view the man responsible, but right before I could exit our CEO walked out.

He looked neither ashamed nor proud. He just looked above the fray, and held an expression that seemed to signify "I'm the CEO, a title where earns me the right to shit like an unholy beast and feel no shame."

In fact, he wanted to talk to me. I simply wanted to vacate the area, but was forced to discuss a deal that I was working to update him on the progress. The conversation seemed to continue forever as he washed his hands, casually dried them and then we left the bathroom before ultimately parting directions.

My day had gone sideways.

Regardless of the circumstance, it's never a comfortable conversation with your CEO - especially in the men's room following an unrelentingly savage toilet attack. But I was impressed with his attitude following the discovery. I made a mental note to remember that same philosophy if I ever became CEO of any company at any point in life.

Then again, if I was CEO, I would negotiate my contract to stipulate that a bathroom would be built inside my office with a toilet made out of gold.



  1. Gypsy Says:
  2. I was just about to go to bed when I saw you had posted. Now I am laughing so much I have woken myself up so thanks!! That was brilliant, the best post I've read in ages in fact. Cheers!

  3. Anonymous Says:
  4. This post is so good, I swear I can smell the fecal matter. Oh wait. I think I pooped my pants.

  5. Heff Says:
  6. I was expecting a "Larry Craig" story of sorts, but I'm NOT disappointed, trust me.

  7. Well this post has gone to shit. :)

  8. Gypsy - That's right. It's late around your side of the world, but I think laughing is as good a way as any to go to bed. Ha. Thanks.

    WhatIgot - No shame there. It happens to the best of us. Just make sure there is no evidence, and deny, deny, deny. Always.

    Heff - If this would have been a Larry Craig story with my CEO, then I would be retired right now as that is a lawsuit with gold on it. CEO tries to seduce employee in Men's Room - that would be a field day. Ha.

    Upset Waitress - Damn right. It started that way, kept a straight line and finished the same way. Ugly.

  9. Come on, at least he had the good grace not to come straight out of the stall, acknowledge you and try to shake your hand!

    I am reminded of that scene from Boston Legal (I tried to find a link but it's no longer on Youtube) when Shirley Schmidt is inspecting the men's facilities and Alan Shore is using the urinal. He turns round and holds out his hand as he introduces himself. When she looks askance at him, he explains 'I keep a very clean penis'. God I love that programme!!!!

  10. Miss Ash Says:
  11. I'm speechless....(and of course laughing)

  12. Wendy Says:
  13. This would be a great scene for a movie, but, for the full effect, you'd have to have smell-o-vision.

  14. I gotta give him props for acting as if this is a normal occurance. Me? I would probably mentioned the importance of fiber in our diets.

    If he does this at work, can you IMAGINE what happens at home??

  15. BostonPobble Says:
  16. First, one should never have to listen to your CEO shit. Second, you should never have to have any kind of conversation whatsoever with anyone you've just had to hear shit. Third, I'm impressed by the way you both handled the situation.

    And laughing my ass off right now.

  17. Havingmycake - Small favors. Ha. If he tried that trick, I would have had no choice, but to succomb (or run). I think I know what choice I would have made. And that's too bad about the Boston Legal clip as I hadn't seen that one.

    Miss Ash - Astounding. But not in a good way. Ha.

    Wendy - You're right about the smell-o-vision, but that would send people running for the halls. This might be a good for ticket sales as people would need
    To buy another ticket. Good marketing.

    Anonymous Boxer - His home bathroom habits are not something I ever want to contemplate. Ouch. And if he was smiling then I might have made a fiber crack. However, this was not the case. Ha.

    Bostonpobble - I agree wholeheartedly with yr. first two points. That is something that shouldn't happen once you become a CEO - ever. I barely struggled through it, and now I really never want to see him again.

  18. vivavavoom Says:
  19. hee hee. that was hilarious and very easily visualized which is kind of gross. men are much better with this. I think women would seriously wait on the toilet for an hour to make sure everyone left the bathroom before unleashing.

  20. It could have been worse. There's a faculty member here who literally sprays the back wall of a bathroom stall when he shits. I have no idea how that happens, nor do I want to know. I refuse to use the restroom that he uses. I'd rather walk to a different building.

  21. JLee Says:
  22. This is one of those times you definitely need hand sanitizer. Then you could run out and just rub that on your hands to escape quickly! ha
    I do give him credit for his attitude...he didn't seem to give a shit. Or did he?

  23. Vivavavoom - Yeah. I think if the situation was reversed that I would wait a long while before exiting. It must be good to be the king and simply not care. Ha.

    Native Minnow - Sounds like explosive diarrehea (sp?), but then again, I'm not doctor. But I'm with you, and would choose another building every single time.

    Jlee - Unfortunately, I keep the hand sanitizer at my desk. And he gave a huge shit from the sound of things, however, when it came to his attitude his tune changed quite a bit. Now I'm confused, but I think we all get the picture here. Ha.

  24. I have a problem with this whole scenerio. First of all, why didn't he just wait until you left before he came out of the stall. I'm sure he was well aware that there was someone else there. But apparantly he was just that dam smug that he didn't care about you seeing exactly who it was that was violating the bathroom. Then I think it was quite rude for him to have you indulge in a conversation with him. How can you talk to someone with that kind of smell lingering in the air? Don't you feel like you can taste the foul smell? hahaha

  25. Foul and smug indeed. I agree w/ all yr. points as the whole ordeal was unnecessary, filthy and ridiculous. Let's hope it doesn't happen again - to any of us.

  26. Shitting like an unholy beast! GOLD!


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