Blog Archive

Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, December 12, 2007

{This is the fifteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* When I lose something, find it and then somebody says "it's always in the last place you look," I want to strangle them because why would I continue searching if I found the item in the first place I looked.

* It's not a real vacation if you take your work Blackberry along for the trip.

* Brokeback Mountain jokes are no longer funny - that ship has sailed.

* Unless you're inside a limo then sex in the car is usually more trouble than it's worth

* If you're in a limo with loads of champagne then it's a perfect time to spring that "exotic" request on your partner

* A turtle is a pet for people who don't want to own pets

* Even if you don't care about your shoes, a smoking pair is a good investment because they can damn near get you laid

* Standing in line at a U.S. Postal office is akin to standing in the third ring of hell.

* Never wrestle a bear unless the match is rigged, and even then, I wouldn't recommend it.

* See no evil, Hear no evil is the best way to approach public restrooms

* Never use the word boner after the 9th grade.

* "O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!" - William Shakespeare



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Ahhh, my favorite recurring 2 Dollar post....I agree with too much of this to comment on all of it, so I'll just say this - My daily ride in my early years was a '65 Mustang Fastback 2+2. Yeah, try having sex in the back of that !

  3. cats Says:
  4. i completely agree with the first observation. it drives me crazy too... and if it's going to be in the last place i look, why can't i just look their first and find whatever i am looking for?

    if the post office is the 3rd ring, then the dmv is the first.

  5. Heff - Glad to hear it, but my fear is that I'm going to run out of these in the near future. We'll see. And that sounds like a sharp ride, but damn difficult to seal the deal inside. At least you could drive quickly to a differnt place.

    Cats - You are so right about the DMV as that is always a colossal inconvenience and utter waste of half my day. Ugly. Every single time.

  6. So I shouldn't rent a limo, make sure the minifridge is bone dry, stick my head out the moonroof and scream "BONER!" at people on the street.

    I'm sorry dude, but I am in favour of gratuitous use of the word 'boner' and I feel it should be used more frequently in conversation.


  7. Gypsy Says:
  8. Well I think I will have to go and find the other 14 in this series because that was hilarious. Now you know I am new to your blog so tell me, is that you with the viking hat? Very cute....I'd suggest you'd have no trouble getting laid in the back of a limo with that hat and those cool black shoes. Give it a shot and let me know how it works out.

  9. Maddy Says:
  10. Boner = very sharp cleaver to remove bones. You mean I can't say that anymore?

    This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

  11. JetPass Says:
  12. I agree with these all except, I don't like having sex in the limo my ass sticks to the leather.

    I have a 9 year old son. He hasn't learned "boner" yet. (thank god.) He has learned that "Balls" is funny. Do you know how hard it is to have a conversation with a 9 year old and tell him to "pick up his ball off the floor before the cat chews on them?" Things have totally different meanings now.

  13. WhatIgot - To clarify: I still wouldn't use the word boner in a serious context (i.e. any occasion where you might score). But I do like the word gratuitous - in or out of limos.

    Gypsy - That is indeed me in the hat, and you would be surprised just how well it has worked since college. I'm glad you liked the series as they are scattered in the archives with the last one being a Halloween one in October.

    Madder - Ouch. I don't want to combine your meaning (the true meaning) with my meaning (the organ) as that would be a painful combination for everyone involved. So, go ahead use it if you've got the cleaver in your hand.

    Jetpass - Maybe if you had a hot tub in your limo then the problem would be solved. There are other ways as well to avoid the stickiness factor. As for your son, he'll learn the rest soon enough and he already knows enough to realize that words w/ multiple meanings are funny.

  14. Mr. DNA Says:
  15. Damn!

    I had a really good Brokeback Viking joke too.

  16. I disagree with you on two points:

    1. Brokeback Mountain jokes are still funny.

    2. So is the word boner.

  17. JLee Says:
  18. I'll never forget the time Pauly Short got kicked off our morning show for saying he was so excited to be there, he had a boner. Then he looked at the anchor (who is very religious) and said "what... boner's good"
    I nearly peed my pants laughing.

  19. Miss Ash Says:
  20. I've never had sex in a car TMI!!

  21. Face it, only a drunken naked viking wouldn't enjoy a good brokeback boner joke.

  22. to Miss Ash - are we playing I never?

  23. Mr. Dna - In that case, maybe an exception can be made. I am nothing if not flexible about humor.

    Native Minnow - I was fine with the "I went Brokeback bowling with a buddy last night" jokes, but I just think they are dated now. It seems like too much time has passed. And yes, boner is a funny word and in that context, I think it's a good verbal weapon to employ.

    Jlee - That is funny. It also might be one of the only funny things that Pauly Shore has ever said in his life, so it's good it was recorded on camera. Ha.

    Miss Ash - Ha. You're not missing too much except discomfort, and a possible public nudity ticket from a police officer.

    WhatIgot - If you have proof about Miss Ash, then bring it forward. Ha. A boner joke - check. A brokeback boner joke - nay. At least 98% of the time I feel confident of that assertion. But perhaps I'm in the minority.

  24. vivavavoom Says:
  25. One of my favorite parts of that "green party' video on my blog is when Wil Farrell yelled that he had a 'murder boner' after trying to kill the guy with the SUV hybrid. so in that case I found it funny...but yeah....otherwise not so much.
    the turtle observation is hilarious. I enjoy these viking other words keep getting drunk....yes I am an enabler!

  26. Grace Says:
  27. Hey, don't be putting down turtle people. I've got a turtle and I love him/her dearly... just haven't gotten the chance to confirm his/her gender yet.

    Love him/her to bits though!

  28. Drunken Viking Time!!

    I have a gay brother and I STILL think Brokeback Moutain Jokes are funny.

    The joke I think is OVER is the whole "The 19__'s called... they'd like their ____ back."

    So done with that.

  29. As much as I hate to admit it you might be onto something about the champagne in a limo. I might be a little more "willing" to do some things I might otherwise frown upon.

    A turtle is definitely a dumb ass

    I know what you mean about a good pair of shoes. If I see a man dressed and he has on the perfect pair then that is definitely more of a turn on.

    I never had a problem at the post office...knock on wood.

  30. Vivavavoom - That sounds like the definition of an enabler. Ha. There are worse things. And yes, the murder boner part of that clip was funny as hell, and I'm fine with boner in this way - just not in any attempt at being even slightly serious.

    Grace - Ha. Maybe you are the exception to the turtle rule. I just think that turtles require much less attention than most other pets. You don't take him/her out for walks do you?

    Anonymous Boxer - Yep. That put-down was finished long ago, and I found Brokeback jokes funny for a long time. But now, I just think I've heard nearly every variation (probably not true), so I"m ready for something different.

    Trina - I knew it about the limo/champagne as it just creates an scene where anything is possible and regret only comes later. Ha. As for the post office, you are one lucky person to avoid that trap, and I was thinking of shoes because I recently bought a pair of chocolate brown Hugo Boss shoes for Xmas.

  31. Wendy Says:
  32. A sexy pair of shoes gives me a boner. Um, figuratively, that is.

  33. Grace Says:
  34. I actually do sometimes but only in the backyard, and there's no collar or leash involved.

    Believe it or not, he actually follows wherever I go... if that's not love, then what is?!

  35. Wendy - If it's strictly figuratively then I can abide by that. Ha. I can deal in gray areas.

    Grace - That sounds like a Canadian hoax to me. Ha. But if it is TRUE, then you have a damn special bond with your turtle. This still seems like the exception to my rule.


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