Blog Archive

Overheard At A Sports Bar . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, September 03, 2007

I don't go to Sports Bars for stimulating conversation in much the same way that I don't drive to strip clubs for the $3.99 steak and shrimp platter (despite the quality of the lunch menu at the Yellow Rose).

Typically, I prefer to invite people to my loft to gorge on barbecue and beers while watching college football. But for UT's opening game this past Saturday, I found myself holed up inside a sports bar in downtown Austin for nearly 6 hours watching many games with a group of noble savages.

By the numbers:

Pitchers of beer ordered: 12

Mini-corn dog platters: 2
Cheese-Fries: 1
Shots ordered: 8
Jokes made concerning said chicken sandwich and questionable manhood: > 14
Chicken sandwiches ordered: 1
Trips to the bathroom: > 7
Waitresses serving us: 3
Approximate number of people at the bar: 500

As I mentioned, I'm not striving for conversations about N. Korea's pledge to shut down their reactors, the ongoing shift in the forthcoming democratic primaries or the far-reaching subprime mortage meltdown on College Football Saturdays.

Those topics can be handled during the week, and I enjoy turning off my brain to allow for creative-thinking and indulge in healthy bombastic buffonery that would still leave me about 50 IQ points higher than Miss Teen South Caroina.

That last part is neither here nor there, but at some point during the day, I started to hear snippets of other bar conversations which were pretty damn funny, especially as the hours continued passing.

The conversational tidbits overheard included:

"Man, I want to take those mannequins home and fuck them silly." - In fairness, they did have some hot mannequins promoting the t-shirts and underwear the bar had for sale.

"Goddamn, my ass is asleep."

"Why do all chairs have 4 legs? It's like some kind of weird conspiracy."

"That bitch in the bathroom looked like a total whore." - This was from a woman dressed in a tight denim skirt that stopped 1/2 inch below her pelvis, a half-shirt and cowboy boots.

"My girlfriend called me a loser. Then she started crying and passed out."

"I'm not going to Nicaragua. If I can't spell it, then I'm not going there."

"You just pissed on my foot."

I'm really going to miss those conversations next Saturday when I have people back at my place to watch the UT-TCU game, but then again, it's possible some of those statements originated from my table.

Sometimes it's best not to think too deeply about these matters.



  1. Of course the mannequins are hot. If you saw some disgusting fat ass mannequin with lopsided titties, you wouldn't buy the shirt its wearing.

  2. and not one word about the score of the game? It really doesn't matter does it?

    I thought so.

  3. H.Wood Says:
  4. I can't listen to sports call-in shows for similar reasons - a bunch of dummies porking mannequins and peeing on others' shoes.

  5. WhatIgot - A fair point. But these ones were especially voluptous (sp?). Promise.

    Anonymous Boxer - UT 21 Ark St 13. UT football matters entirely too much for me, however, the bar talk managed to keep my temper in check. We all need to laugh.

    H. Wood - I loathe those call-in shows as it's usually a matter of who's louder and the bigger moron, the callers or the hosts. Sheer ugliness, but let's leave the mannequins out of this discussion.

  6. Miss Ash Says:
  7. I was just going to ask if most of this banter came from your table....and perhaps even you LOL.

  8. When you said "football", I assumed you were talking about what Americans call soccer. I was looking forward to praise over Man U's recent victory. What is this...UT of which you speak?

  9. Miss Ash - Honestly, most of it was from other tables/people standing around the bar. However, the mannequins might have been us (me).

    Getoffmylawn - I should have been more specific for the international readers as UT stands for the University of Texas at Austin football (not soccer team). I don't care much for Man U since the Bucs owner (forgot name - Malcom Glazer?) bought them.

  10. JLee Says:
  11. That sounds like some entertaining conversations for sure. I've heard some funny ones in the ladies room from time to time, and I knew you were the mannequin man. ha
    Gives a whole new meaning to "I've got wood"

  12. vivavavoom Says:
  13. oh I was one of those drunken talking too much by the stall girls this weekend....the others waiting in line must have laughed their asses off. But I didn't care then, so I am not going to now. Viva Miss South Carolina!!!I feel your pain....but at least I can blame mine on Heineken.

  14. Jlee - Ha. Wood indeed. And you're right about bathrooms as those are often some of the best ones around.

    Vivavavoom - Good. You shouldn't care as those kinds of conversations are at least half the fun - for everyone involved. And I love Miss S. Carolina.

  15. I'm actually with you on Glazer. How interested in the sport could he possibly be? Will be interesting to see what happens over the next few years as far as team quality. However, they haven't looked this good in a long time. I expect a victory over Chelsea Saturday.

  16. Photogirl Says:
  17. "I'm not going to Nicaragua. If I can't spell it, then I'm not going there." Umm...was Miss Teen Carolina actually sitting there with y'all? That video cracks me up every time I see it!

  18. Getoffmylawn - I only got into soccer a few years ago when I got HDTV as there's something very soothing about all that green on the field. I especially enjoyed the Spanish league (Barcelona, Real Madrid, etc.)

    Photogirl - I wish Miss S. Carolina was at our table, and I'm surprised nobody noticed the fact that I left off the 'L' in S. Carolina. Ha. And yes, that video is funny every single time.

  19. Blogger Says:
  20. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.


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