Blog Archive

Human Garbage . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Yesterday was trash day.

Generally speaking, nothing remarkable occurs every Tuesday when I leave my trash can outside my garage, and then return from work to find it empty and ready for use once again. But not yesterday.

Yesterday, I came home from work to find my trash can pilfered and switched with my new neighbor’s own disposal bin, which thanks to the previous occupant, was heavily used and utterly disgusting (more so than your average trash can as it’s not like any of these containers will be up for cleanliness awards).

Work had been hellacious, and then I come home to find a rotted-out trash can standing in place of my own and I was pissed. The top lids of each trash can had been clearly marked with the corresponding unit number, so there should be no question concerning ownership. I had only briefly met the new neighbor, and while he didn’t seem like a flaming asshole, this larcenous act certainly seemed to be a declaration of his low character versus merely an honest mistake.

I stewed on my options during dinner, plotting ways to reclaim what was mine. My plan was to wait until the following Tuesday, and then switch cans prior to pick-up and hope he wouldn’t notice until it was too late and it was safely back inside my garage. The major flaw in this plot was timing – it would take an entire week for me to realize my victory and each time I went into my garage and saw his mocking trash can staring back at me, it would turn my mood into black fury and seven days of that sourness sounded like no fun at all.

After dinner, I had to grab something from my car, and on the way, I passed my neighbors garage. Now, each garage also has a door – which locks – as another access point into the inner sanctum and on a whim, I took a quick swipe at his handle as I walked past. It was unlocked.

The door swung open as I took a casual glance into his garage, and spotted my trash can leaning up against a wall, lid down and the markings clearly visible indicating it was mine. Son of a bitch.

In a fury, I grabbed his trash can from my own garage and in a display of brute strength, yanked it up and carried it into his space. I quickly exchanged the cans, leaving his spoiled one behind. On my way out, I opened my own can and discovered he had already placed a huge sack into the bin, so I grabbed it and threw the trash into his own can before shutting his door and calmly placing my own stealthily reclaimed trash can inside my garage.

This was an immensely satisfying victory, especially for a Tuesday and I celebrated with a cold Heineken and a smile on my face secure in the knowledge that my neighbor would know he had been bested by a true professional.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Let it be announced :

    You Da MAN !

  3. wigsf Says:

    That's right man! Show that muthah fuckah how you do things downtown!

    Okay, in all seriousness, fucking eh, man, fucking eh!

  5. Heff - I must admit, it felt pretty damn good afterwards, but a bit nerve-racking at the time. Not entirely sure why . . .

    WIGSF - You're damn right as who does that kind of thing 2 weeks after moving in? Otherwise, I've had no complaints, but I've got my eye on him from now on & I slapped a big old label on my trash can lid this morning. Huge.

  6. Boxer Says:
  7. Bravo!!!!!!!!

    I'm glad you went after your kidnapped Kan ASAP. I had visions of you turning into Michael Douglas in "Falling Down"

    BTW... your neighbor?

    What an Ass.

  8. BostonPobble Says:
  9. It's the little things, isn't it? Who the hell steals a trash can?

  10. Boxer - I think I would balk at the crew cut Douglas sported in that film. Ha. I haven't seen that in awhile . . . Anyway, yeah, I agree about the neighbor, although it might have been his interior designer(s) who have been there a bunch too. He better hope so.

    Bostonpobble - You must celebrate the small victories or else you could wait a long time between bouts of happiness. Ha. And I can't figure it out either about the trash can as I figure he could have just ordered a new one from the city.

  11. JLee Says:
  12. Well played my friend, well played...
    I would love to see the look on the guys face when he sees the cruddy old trash can back in his garage! (watch your back)

  13. kmwthay Says:
  14. Jerk face neighbor! I'd leave an anonymous note on their door that informs them that trash cans are clearly marked as to where they belong. Just in case...

    I would add in the note that if they were unhappy with the condition of their trash bin, they can certainly call the city and request a new one. That would be much less kindergarten way of solving the problem.

  15. One of our neighbors jacked a trash can a while back. The problem is, we could never figure out which one. It wasn't the next door neighbor, because I looked in their garage. I feel vindicated after reading your story. So what if our garbage can never returned. At least someone got vindication. Well done!

  16. Wendy Says:
  17. HEY! So weird. We had a similar thing happen on OUR trash day, which was also Tuesday. Our neighbor took our green can after it was emptied, but his was stolen by someone else. Instead of neighbor being a stand-up guy and giving us back ours (which he'd already filled up again) and calling the trash company to order another one, my hub had to do it. Ugh. Neighbors.

  18. CHEF TROLL Says:
  19. You're Batman!

  20. Jlee – Thanks you and you’re probably right as this might be the start of a whole series of posts. Ha. Hopefully not as I have no desire to constantly be playing this game. But I would also love to see his face. Ha.

    Kmwthay – Exactly . . . the city is the first place I would have started & the last place would be my neighbors who would certainly suspect me. I’ve now labeled my own can with a huge sign that I taped in place with packing tape this morning. If anything happens to it again, there will be no anonymous note, it’s more of a face-to-face scenario & it will likely yield another post. Ha.

    Native Minnow – I’m glad you could get a little vicarious vindication & victory (alliteration today), but sorry to hear about yr. own can. This subject is now very personal to me, so I say hang all these thieving bastards up by their toes. Keep it in mind in the future.

    Wendy – That is bizarre, and I’m sorry to hear that your husband had to mess with it & untangle the web of deceit. This kind of thing seems to be running rampant. Let’s hope it stays calm for both of us in the future, eh? And yes, neighbors can be absolutely brutal.

  21. Chef Troll - Flew by you in CyberSpace & yes, my sleuthing abilities seem to have improved somewhere along the ways (sans cape & cod piece).

  22. Farzan Says:
  23. That sucks, at least you showed them whos boss.

  24. Miss Ash Says:
  25. I love it!! Though you better watch your back (and lock your garage) as this may have started something not so neighbourly. Ha!! I look forward to the future posts!

    I remember a website one man "dedicated" to his neighbour and by dedictated I mean took photos of all the terrible shit in his yard and a play by play of the goings on, I'll have to find it again.

  26. Really freak him out and next week, switch them back again. Swith them every time you get a chance. Buy three different cans and rotate them in and out of his garage.

  27. Farzan - For now. Ha. Let's hope it stays that way & doesn't escalate because every week of this would be tiring.

    Miss Ash - I agree as it would be great posting material, but I've got enough side projects without taking this feud to another level. Ha. And yes, I figure we've all had neighobrs at some point in our lives who just annoyed the piss out of us - it's a universal problem.

    Getoffmylawn - That's taking it to another level in both time and money. Ha. It would be pretty funny, but my guess is that he starts locking his garage door immediately.


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